I just took my daily dose of dislikes. I take one every time I want to torture myself unnecessarily. Much of the time it involves making phone calls to my bank, credit card, Phone Company or other automatic-frustration-available-here type of organizations. UGH!!!!!!!!! This daily does of dislikes is a good example of how resentment and rage can go hand in hand.
So what is going on with me today? What defect is emerging its ugly brown crap colored head? I am feeling resentful. Why? Because for the 40th time I had to call the bank to try and get them to send me a reminder that the auto bill pay for my non-profit organization phone bill is going to happen. But they can’t send me the reminder. They can only send the old treasurer the reminder. Now I’m not even clear if the auto bill pay is going to happen or not. It had better not because I just paid the bill.
So I have to remember. But remembering is beyond my capabilities. I can’t remember anything. It took a half hour of my time to not get this done and most of that time was spent on hold. Very obnoxious. I hate that. I am resentful.
If it makes me resentful, it’s not a choice. Resentment leads to rage. So why did I bother calling? Unknown. Why don’t I just put a note on my own phone bill or calendar that says, “Don’t forget non-profit bill!” Cuz that is the only reminder I’m going to get. Argh!!!!!!
How much will the bill be? I don’t know. I’ll have to guess. Maybe I’ll just pick a number out of a hat to decide how much to send them. I’m kidding, but man. Seriously.
Okay, breathe. I am really upset because I didn’t get started on my book until 11:35, which is criminal. Plus my week is slipping away because my Quaker Yearly Meeting starts Saturday and goes until next Thursday. How will I keep my food cold? How will I exercise? Breathe. Chill. There is a God and it’s not me. Thank heavens it’s not me.
Resentment. It’s my problem. Rage. It’s my problem too. I’m the one who called the bank. I knew what I was getting into. This is after calling another Internet utility company last night and getting someone from heaven knows where that I couldn’t understand that hung up on me. That was another winner. What a party. I can’t stand having this much fun.
Resentment. Frustration. Anger. Get it out. I have the Matrix Reloaded Soundtrack on and they are screaming their lungs out. Awesome. That helps. I have candles going. That helps. I’m journaling, typing, spilling my guts, working on my book. That helps too. Breathe. It’s okay. Just get over this hump. It’ll be okay. God loves you. Keep writing.
Bruises by Unloco is my new favorite song. This is the stuff!!! He is screaming his lungs out. He is helping me express myself. Yes! Go boy go!!!
So these are some of the things I do when I’m really frustrated. I listen to loud screaming music. I look at my Angry Bird, at least when I’m in my car. I journal or if I’m in my car, I journal by speaking into my little tape recorder and then type it out later. Typing it out later is kind of a pain in the caboose, but I do it and get good stuff from it. When I’m home I pound and yell on my punching bag or get on the treadmill for a long walk.
I wish they had Angry Bird shirts for adults. It blows that they don’t. I need about twelve of them.
The poor bank lady. I feel bad for her. God bless the bank lady. It’s not her fault that this process sucks eggs. I wish I had been nicer to her. I knew how the conversation was going to end when I started so what was the point? I knew she was going to come back and say she couldn’t help me. God please bless the bank lady. She really tried hard to help me. I hope she talks to nicer people than me.
That’s it Unloco, scream some more about your Bruises. Let it out. Thank you for helping.
I am expressing my rage and trying to let go of my resentments. After all I did it to myself.
And see this stuff totally works for me. I listened to Bruises by Unloco about ten times. Then I listened to the entire Matrix Reloaded Soundtrack. I lit some candles and wrote on my computer about how I’m feeling. I wrote and wrote and wrote. And now I’m calm. Now Unloco has taken a refreshments break and Brahms is helping me out with his String Quartet #1 Opus 88 in F. Thanks Brahms! I’m sorry you never got Clara but your music is great and has helped many people. It feeds my soul. It helps me breathe in and out.