It’s Not My Meeting, It’s God’s Meeting

In this story, I describe some issues I’ve had with fellow meeting attenders in the past. I’ve come to a place of service and acceptance, remembering “principles before personalities.” I also realize that I don’t have to fix others. Only myself.

Doing service work can be a very difficult thing. I do a lot of service for CoDA both at my home group, at the larger, Intergroup level, and through online meetings. I hold positions at both levels and both are equally rewarding and challenging.

Sometimes I have to deal with people who are not easy to deal with. I include myself in that group.

When I give service, it’s important that I do my service to give back and for no other reason. It’s good for me to remember this. Sometimes I come in with expectations. For example, I might expect gratitude. Sometimes I want to hear the words “thank you.” I don’t always hear those words. I know many other folks in service positions often do not hear those words, either.

Sometimes I want people to follow directions and do what I want them to do. They don’t always do this. This is a control issue on my part. Sometimes I have not made the directions as clear as I should have because I’m in a hurry. Sometimes I assume people know how to do things when they don’t. Those are my issues.

Codependents do things to gain approval from others. I am no different.

Codependents also expect people to know how they’re feeling without them saying it directly. I think it is hugely obvious on the outside how I’m feeling on the inside. That is not necessarily so. If I want someone to know how I’m feeling, I need to tell them.

Sometimes when I describe how to do something at a meeting, I assume people already know how to do it and know what I’m talking about. That is not always so.

I recently attended a CoDA meeting during which a fellow attender asked me if I had to chew gum. The meeting had not officially begun yet.

I sat for a moment and did not answer. This is progress for compliant, codependent Juliet. The old me would have been apologizing all over the place and spitting it out immediately. The new me paused. This is growth.

Now deep down inside, my inner child was saying, “Of course I have to chew gum! Give me a break! It’s part of how I cope!”

But I didn’t say that. I only thought it.

I took a deep breath.

“I’ll spit it out when the meeting starts but until then I get to chew it. That means I still have two minutes.”

I was boiling mad inside. But it wasn’t my meeting. It was everyone’s meeting. It’s God’s meeting. I needed to turn it over.

I started a CoDA meeting near me when my brother-in-law got sick. I did this in an effort to help myself cope with his illness. I had found so much helpful information in the Codependents Anonymous Basic text that I decided to start a basic text study.

I do a lot of service at this meeting. I basically do most every service position as it has been a fairly small meeting. That means I do most of the leading, set up the room, and put stuff away. I’m the literature person, I’m treasurer, and Group Service Representative (GSR). (The GSR attends the meetings of the larger CoDA organization.)

Given the situation, it’s understandable that I would claim ownership of this meeting in my mind. But that isn’t true. It’s God’s meeting.

I’ve been lucky enough to find someone to fill in for me when I have had to be absent. I am grateful to these people for their service. They don’t, however, always do things the way I like. Mistakes have been made with the literature. Next time, I’ll need to be clearer about the job, procedures, and expectations.

I recently realized that I needed to make amends with the person who made mistakes with the literature at my meeting. I called up the person in question and left a message on her cell phone. I apologized for not being clear about the literature job, prices, procedures and expectations. In doing this I completed a Step 9.

Step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.[1]

 I did the amends for me. I felt better after hanging up the phone. I have never heard back from her, which made me a little sad. But I made the amends for myself. I cleaned my side of the street. I did not do it to win her approval.

This situation with the literature brought back a memory. A person who doesn’t come anymore complained about how I always announce the literature and she didn’t understand why. So I stopped announcing it. Look where it got me. The new people didn’t know what to do and now we have lost literature and are out the money for it. Juliet can be compliant when it does not serve her.

 The facility we use for meetings is run by volunteers. This means that sometimes things such as flyers, postings, and announcements frequently disappear. I usually have to correct this. I get annoyed, but remember that this is my service work. I am giving back. People aren’t perfect. I’m not either. We all do our best.

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns at Work:

Your moods and actions are my fault.

• Your customs and thoughts are always right. I am always wrong.
• My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.

(Note: I do have fear of abandonment and rejection. This fear would make me think, “I can’t be myself and express my feelings. If they know who I really am, they will realize how awful I am and they will leave. Then I won’t have a meeting.” Reacting out of fear will not solve anything. I have to do my best to be of service as joyfully as I can and still be true to myself. The rest is up to God. It’s God’s meeting, not mine.)

• I think I have to be perfect and so do you. Nothing else will do.
• I am less than.

Nobody is perfect but God. We all do our best and that is all that’s required.

Juliet’s Feelings Patterns at work:

This is all my fault. I did something wrong.

• They are right. I am wrong.

 But I didn’t do anything wrong. I did my best. They did their best too.

The recovery that is evident here is that I used to say:

I am not conscious of my own moods. I am conscious of your moods.

• If you’re happy, I’m happy.

I can’t say that here. I do know how I felt right then. I was angry.

I did however engage in:

I like to do whatever you like to do. What I like to do isn’t important.

I engaged in the second half of that, at least. I decided that what I wanted wasn’t important. I did compromise. Good for me. I was giving, not selfish.

 I think this is why they developed that saying, “Principles before personalities.” To me, this means that when we deal with people we have to practice forgiveness, humility, trust, honesty, spirituality, faith, integrity, soul searching, surrender, service, and maintenance. That sounds like a mouthful, but what it means is that we need to consider these principles when dealing with others, not just decide we don’t like a person because of how they act so they must be a wrong, bad person. To put it another way, we need to love and accept the person inside of them, not the behavior.

 I was speaking with my sponsor and she said that it is second nature for a codependent to be selfish. I want my gum and to be able to chew it too. I want my literature taken care of in a certain way. My way. But life isn’t like that. Through service work, I am learning to be self-less.

Sometimes in program and at meetings, we come across people who are in need of a lot of support. Sometimes I come away thinking, “How can I fix them? What do I need to do?” I am concerned.

During these times, I think about the person and ask God what to do. More often than not, he reveals to me that perhaps this person is in need of more support than I can give them. It’s not my job to fix them. That is God’s job. My job is to be a good listener. That I can do.

My sponsor told me that when you don’t know what to do, don’t do anything. So, I need to do nothing.

This is recovery too. The old codependent Juliet would have flown in there with her Wonder Woman cape and made it her mission to fix the person. Enter another defect of character:

•  If you hurt, I hurt: I think I have to fix you.

I don’t have to do that now. I can be a source of support, but on my terms. I don’t have to stop my whole life, be there for them every minute, and deny myself of my life.

My job is to stay in constant contact with God and do what he wants me to do. I know he wants me to be of service because Jesus said so. When I serve, I am ultimately serving God, not just others or myself. I must always remember this and do my best to be of service no matter what. One of my main avenues of service to God is through CoDA. I can’t forget that.

All of this is the result of years of hard work, working the program. This is recovery. I am grateful.

[1] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous, Second Edition (Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 2009), p. iv.