Honesty

Honesty

With love I can see

Their souls search for truth

Eager to leave youth behind.

But can I see?

~ In Front of Me from Fearless Moral Inventory,

by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2008, all rights reserved

Honesty is one of the most vital spiritual principles in my recovery program. It is the foundation on which my spiritual growth and healing are built. I need to be able to be honest with myself and others about what I can and can’t control. An admission of powerlessness is the first move to getting well. I need to be truthful with myself and admit that I have no power over whatever defect I am dealing with, which right now is mainly over-responsibility and caretaking.
To me, honesty means that I tell the truth as I know it to be. I am completely up front, without holding back or altering it in any way.

Now therefore, go, and I will be thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shalt say.

~ Exodus 4:12

Note to God: Thank you God for doing my writing for me. All I have to do is listen and move my fingers. Honestly.
Honesty is the spiritual principle behind Co-Dependents Anonymous Step 1:

1. We admitted we were powerless over others, that our lives had become unmanageable.^[1]

To me, when I think about honesty, I think it is a fundamental, spiritual necessity, because it is where healing begins. In order to recover from codependency and grow spiritually, I have to face what is true, real, and right. Otherwise I am just lying to myself and cultivating deceit and giving Satan somewhere to hang his hat. Believe me, he doesn’t need any help. He is lurking around every corner trying to trip me up.

One of Minister George Fox’s epistles talks about dealing with truth. He says that the first move towards spiritual enlightenment begins with dealing with what is. One sits and looks truthfully at one’s self. What do you see?

Stand still in that which is pure, after you see yourselves;
and then mercy comes in.
After you see your thoughts, and the temptations,
do not think, but submit;
and then power comes.

            ~ George Fox^[2]

And what of unmanageability? Is my life unmanageable? When I’m caught up in trying to control and fix everyone, and am powerless over the telephone, and sliding down into despair to the point that I cannot function, yes my life has become unmanageable. Believe me, I have had that experience several times over the past two years.

During my brother-in-law’s illness and eventual death my over-responsibility and caretaking went crazy. I went on a quest to save him. I was obsessed with fixing him to the point that I could not take care of myself.
My first course of action was for me to be honest with myself and admit that I was out of control. I was powerless over others. My life had become unmanageable. Living inside my brain was unbearable.

My list of solutions to this begins the same as other lists, with journaling. I practice honesty by journaling every morning. This gets everything out of me and down on paper. I write down everything I’m feeling about my brother-in-law, his illness and eventual death, and all of the affects this had on my dear sister and her life, hopes, dreams and future. Then I pray, worship, and put notes in my God Box if I need to do that. This helps me let go of whatever I’m holding onto emotionally.

I try not to go to a place of blaming myself in this sincerity journey because it does not help anything. All it does is send me on a shame spiral, which doesn’t help. I’m still working on correcting this. Sometimes I do get into shame, which leads to extreme sadness and low self-esteem. I’m not perfect. I’m human. I make mistakes.

In my quest to tell the truth, I admit that I am a recovering codependent. I admit powerlessness over others. This is the essence of Step 1. I admit that sometimes I am powerless over myself. I confess to God that I use people, food, online shopping and sometimes alcohol to fill the emptiness inside of me and numb myself out. At this time of my life, I am truly struggling with over-responsibility and caretaking.

I admit powerlessness over my over-responsibility and caretaking. As soon as I do that, my over-responsibility and caretaking release their hold on me. The pressure is lifted. It’s funny, isn’t it? If I try to practice restraint with caretaking others, or to stop myself from bowing like a slave to the slave master telephone, I am unsuccessful. If I admit I have no control over it, the obsession leaves. If I hold on too tight to how I’m supposed to be fixing others and be at their beck and call, obsess about it, dissect it from every angle, I drive myself crazy. If I admit defeat and voice my powerlessness over others and their views of me, or whatever, I can let it roll off me like water off a duck’s back. That is freedom.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• You are only responsible for yourself.
• You are only in control of where you put your attention.
• Treat it like the front page of the paper.

I am not responsible for other people. I can’t fix them. That doesn’t mean I need to get back on the give-Juliet-grief train, but it does mean I can hold the situation out in front of me like the latest Rolling Stone magazine and realize it is not about me. (Really!) Everyone is responsible for their own life. Now that doesn’t mean that I can’t have compassion and empathy for what they’re going through. I do. But I cannot fix them, resolve their problems, or alter their choices. It’s not my job. I am powerless over it.

Being honest means admitting my defects of character of over-responsibility and caretaking. No sugarcoating, no excuses. Here I am. I am confessing that I engage in these behaviors. I do this. Let’s start from there. I am powerless over my over-responsibility and caretaking. That is honesty and it is a vital first step in the path towards recovery and a happier life.

I am speaking now about over-responsibility and caretaking, but it could be any of my other defects — such as compulsive overeating, obsessiveness, selfishness, vanity, workaholism, rage, or complaining. I need to be truthful and admit to them. Get that nasty, destructive denial out of there. All denial does is keep me stuck. I get the truth out of my body, feelings, and brain and on paper. I look at it honestly. There we have it. I am admitting what is. This is the truth. I face it, and then I breathe in and out. Now what do I do with it? I start working the other 11 principles and their corresponding steps on the defect I’m working on.

So honesty. Without honesty, there can be no forgiveness. Without honesty, there can be no faith, surrender, soul searching, integrity, or acceptance. It is an imperative principle on the path that leads to recovery.

In my honesty, I admit that I was on the treadmill a while back and was very, very sad about my brother-in-law’s illness (just prior to his death). I was feeling very sad and frustrated because I couldn’t fix him. I couldn’t cure his illness. I was powerless over it. Yet I still felt that it was my responsibility to fix him, care for him, make it all better.

Then God spoke to me. He kept saying, “Aren’t you going to trust me? Aren’t you going to trust me?” I realized I could only see a small portion of the picture. He sees the whole story. He is the Master Architect, the guy with the blueprints.

Overall, being honest means being forthcoming about who I am, what I am, what I do and where I’m headed, where I’m at with God, and where I’m at with my program.

Additional practices I engage in when working the principle of honesty:

• More journaling: Writing gets everything out of me. I can never journal enough.
• Reflection: I look at what I wrote and admit my powerlessness over my defects of over-responsibility and caretaking.
• Exercise: working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill and lifting weights all help me to calm down and see things more clearly.
• Worship: Through prayer and meditation, I give this to God and listen to Him.
• Scripture: I read my bible, especially verses that involve pouring out my soul to God and trusting him with my life.
• Documentation: I document my thoughts on audiotape while driving and put them on the computer later.
• The God Within: I realize that there is part of God inside me and I can trust that.
• God is in Charge: I remember that God is sovereign and he has a plan for me. This is all part of my journey. It is all perfect.
• Don’t Judge: I refrain from judging what comes out of me when I’m honest. Then fear won’t be an issue. Just accept it for what it is.
• Listen: I remember that God speaks to me in many ways, not just in the bible, or in silent worship. He speaks to me through my sponsor, others at Coda meetings, and members of my Quaker meeting. I am always “listening” to what he has to say. The more I ask for guidance and listen, the more he speaks to me.
• More Mantras: Mantras help me to focus on listening for God’s guidance throughout my day. Two mantras that work well for me are “I open all before thee” and “Here I am, Lord.”
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy Does It,” “This Too Shall Pass,” “Act As If,” “Let Go and Let God” and “Turn it Over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.

^[1] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous, Second Edition (Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 2009), p. iv.

^[2] A Collection of Many Select and Christian

Epistles, Letters and Testimonies Written on Sundry Occasions, by

That Ancient, Eminent, Faithful Friend, and Minister of Christ Je-

sus, George Fox, (2013) RareBooksClub.com