Integrity

Integrity

The view at the top of the ladder

Shows a soul searching for what she can keep

~ Beloved, from Beloved,

by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2005, all rights reserved

Integrity is the spiritual principle that plants its feet firmly in truth. It is a foundational adherence to honesty and uprightness. I must have integrity if I am to live a Godly life. Integrity is one of the Quaker testimonies and is the structure on which a faithful Christian life is based. I must be honest and fair, focusing on the truth in all situations.

To me, integrity means that I live my life by an ethical and moral standard that is based on honesty and truth.

 

Integrity is the spiritual principle that is at the core of Step 5:

 

  1. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.[1]

           

If I have integrity, it means I care about what the truth is and that I tell the truth. It means that I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. What I do and how I conduct myself is real and upright, not self-serving and deceitful. I conduct myself in a reliable, honorable way in all matters.

 

Now there lies a problem. Being a compliant codependent, I sometimes say yes when I mean no. During those times, I lack integrity. Last year, I went to a Quaker Yearly Meeting. It was my first time at this event. Well, as soon as I got there, I quickly overbooked myself as usual. First of all I signed up for the choir ahead of time. I love singing and enjoyed it, but I did not realize what a huge daily commitment it was. It was very time consuming. I also signed up to volunteer at the on-site Quaker Yearly Meeting Bookstore for three afternoons in a row. That was fine with me. No problem. But on my last day, I stayed one hour longer than I wanted to because the manager wanted to go to another meeting. I said yes when I meant no. That didn’t serve me because I got resentful. I lacked integrity. I won’t do that again.

 

I have to have integrity in terms of admitting how I feel about over-responsibility and caretaking. Sometimes I need to be by myself and take care of myself. I don’t like it when the phone rings late at night. I don’t like it when people I love are hurting. I don’t like it when they have crises late at night and call me, especially when I have to teach in the morning. This sounds really selfish, but it’s true. It’s just too hard for my little codependent brain and heart to handle. I get too upset. My heart hurts and I feel like I have to fix it. The hamster gets on the wheel and away we go with obsession. It’s too much. My heart is racing just thinking about it. That’s the truth.

 

Even the little things matter. Take my taxes, for example. I know I have to be honest and forthcoming about what I spend my money on. In the past, I have purchased classical music partly for enjoyment and partly so I can listen to it and become a better teacher and musician. One might say I could write it off as sheet music on my taxes. It is for my job after all. As much as I would like to do that, I cannot. It just isn’t right. Too bad. I bought a lot of classical CDs.

 

I used to get tax advice from other people who would tell me not to worry about it.

 

“Just write a figure in there and that’s what it is,” they would say to me. “Don’t worry about it.” I followed their advice when I was younger, but I can’t do that now. It’s not right.

 

I also need to have integrity in terms of the private strings lessons I give to some of my students. They often pay in cash. I know I don’t have to declare it because how would they know? But I know. Truth is truth. I made that money and I can’t cheat the government. So even though it’s cash, I’m declaring it honestly.

 

I have integrity. I have to admit that with Cain (a relationship that I looked at in the first book), I told him I would have sex with him even though I meant to say no. I can’t just completely blame him for being a bad person. I should have said no to begin with. So that is what I learned. I have to say what I mean and mean what I say.

 

I can’t just say that Brad was a completely bad person, because I should have walked out the door — although he was manipulative. I knew in my soul that what we were doing and where we were headed was not right for me. That was the truth. I should have followed God’s truth from the beginning of that relationship and saved myself a lot of heartache. I learned from that too.

How can I have more integrity in my life?

By not answering the phone, when I don’t want to talk. Let the machine get it when it’s appropriate for me.

I can have more integrity in my teaching life by admitting when I’ve crossed the line from responsible teacher to control freak who wants to be right, respected and admired by her students. On the one hand, my job requires that I fulfill the task of teaching my students to become honest, upright, responsible citizens. This means teaching them to remember to come to lessons with their instrument and their music and to be on time.

This can be a very difficult job. I have students who are always late, never have their book, never practice and don’t seem to care. They think the rules don’t apply to them. They play with long fingernails week after week, when I’ve asked them to clip them. Sometimes if they don’t have their music, they blame me, saying I didn’t give it to them. I know what is right. I know what is true. What they are saying isn’t true. I need to teach them to be honest and do what is right.

On the other hand, there is a limit to what I can make my students do. As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. I can’t force the students to be on time, to remember or keep track of their book, or to bring their instrument. I can only keep giving them the information they need to succeed.

When I repeat myself over and over again to my students about these matters and they still do not follow directions, it is easy to become frustrated. So then I think to myself “why bother? Why keep telling them what to do when they won’t listen? It is wasted energy. Why don’t I just give up the ghost and if they don’t have their stuff or do their work, who cares?”

The answer is because I have integrity. I have to focus on doing what is right, honest, and true. That means getting in the classroom and teaching those kids to the best of my ability, no matter what the circumstances are – because that is my job. Every student must get the best service I have. This means making sure that they know what to do, when to do it, where to be and when to be there. This means repeating it as often as I need to. It means adjusting my teaching methods as necessary to service different students so that they will be successful in my classroom.

Adhering to what is right and true in the classroom also means knowing when I’ve crossed the line by taking my job home with me and fretting all weekend about how some kid got the better of me. Then the correct thing for me to do is let it go. I need to let it all go and take care of myself. Because to not do this is to give my over-responsibility free reign. I will fret and stew and think “how can I get this kid do what they need to do? I have to fix them, to get them to do the right thing.”

I give the children the information they need repeatedly. At some point they need to take the ball and run with it. So at the end of the day I need to go do something that makes me happy, like sit by the fire and listen to it crackle, go stare at the stars in wonder or sit in my rocking chair on the porch and just breathe in and out. That is the magic answer for me to during those times.

I want to teach the children to have integrity too and accomplishing that can be a difficult job as I am not their only influence. I think it is very important for children to understand and adhere to the moral standards of truth, right and wrong.

I want to have integrity. Pointing fingers at myself, I know I have to get in the car and get to work at all costs, to follow my sponsor’s instructions. It was right for me to go to work even though it was dangerous for me to be on the wintry road and I was grumpy at the administration for putting our lives at risk. At least we got another day under our belt.

If I have integrity, I am going to keep admitting when I am wrong. But I also have to admit that I’m right once in a while. I do my best to do what is right. If someone asks me how much money they owe me, I will give them the true amount. If someone asks me why I left a recent music concert early, I will say it is because I found the performer’s lyrics offensive. That is my truth.

If I have integrity, I tell the truth even when it is easier to lie. That means that when I am listening to someone and their circumstances are starting to make me sad to my core, I must either tell them, change the subject, or end the conversation. Over-responsibility and caretaking are not a healthy choice. Going into despair and not being able to function are not a good choice for me. I must build in a new behavior of taking care of myself.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

  • Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
  • Relax and watch.
  • Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10.

 

Positive Affirmations:

  • I listen to the Christ within that loves, guides and strengthens me.
  • All good in me comes from God.

When I have integrity and something is done right, it is God doing it – which I think is true.

In sharing my thoughts about integrity it is easy to see how it is the principle behind step 5, as I have shared “the exact nature of my wrongs.”[2]

Additional practices I engage in when working the principle of integrity:

 

  • More journaling: I journal as much as I need to in order to get the issues out of me.
  • Worship: Through prayer and meditation I ask God what the right thing is for me to do. He helps me see it clearly.
  • Exercise: working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill and lifting weights all help me to calm down and see things more clearly.
  • Documentation: I record my thoughts and revelations about my integrity into a tape recorder and notate them later.
  • Ask the Observer: When I’m with others and I hear something I’m not sure about, I stop and take a time-out. I get into the Observer position and ask myself “Is this true for me? Do I agree with this?” I make a choice and speak my truth when the time is right.
  • Turn it Over: I give it to God, ask him to take over, and let it go as much as possible. To do this, I say, “Dear Lord, let my words be your words, my thoughts be your thoughts, and my actions be your actions.” I do this as often as I need to.
  • Breathe: I breathe in and out. I relax.
  • More Mantras: Mantras help me to focus on listening for God’s guidance throughout my day and helps me to hear and see the truth about myself. Two mantras that work well for me are “I open all before thee” and “Here I am, Lord.”
  • Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy Does It,” “This Too Shall Pass,” “Act As If,” “Let Go and Let God” and “Turn it Over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
  • Pat Myself on the Back: I realize that I’m doing the best I can to do what’s right and give myself credit for that.

 

 

[1] Ibid., p. iv.

[2] Ibid. pg. iv

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