Codependency and Selfishness

Codependency and Selfishness

 

What I’ve noticed about my codependency in relation to my selfishness is that my disease has led me to take care of others for most of my life. Most of my time on this earth has been consumed by what someone else needs, wants, and has to have. Taking care of them has been priority number one, along with feeling their feelings and being the scapegoat for whatever has gone wrong.

 

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns and Feelings at work here:

  • Your moods and actions are my fault.
  • If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.
  • Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong.
  • I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.
  • My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
  • Please don’t get mad at me. I’ll do or be whatever you say.
  • I think I have to be perfect and so do you. Nothing less will do.
  • I am less than.[1]

 

Juliet’s Feelings:

  • This is all my fault. I did something wrong.
  • They are right, I am wrong.
  • They are going to abandon me.
  • They are going to reject me.
  • I don’t deserve good things.
  • I am less than.
  • I am ashamed.
  • I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever.
  • Different from everyone.[2]

 

 

I have focused on the needs of others so much in my life that at one point I woke up and realized I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted, or how I felt. Then I came to CoDA. I started learning who I was, what I liked and wanted. Most important of all, I strengthened my relationship with God. I learned what He wanted me to do with my life. So when I finally came face-to-face with who I was, who God wanted me to be and what He wanted me to do, I wanted to spend all of my time in that place doing what God wanted me to do.

 

By this point, my inner child had made me wake up and pay attention. My inner child was saying, “What about me, when do I matter? When do I count?”

 

I hadn’t had much time to answer those questions and fulfill those requests of hers, making time for her, letting her know she matters, that she counts and that what she wants is important. So in the beginning I may have been a little selfish about my self-care. I was just learning to take care of myself. I am also learning what is mine to take care of and what isn’t. That distinction is really important for me to understand and respond to appropriately.

 

 

Positive Affirmations:

  • Taking care of myself is not selfish, it’s self-care and that is a good thing.
  • It’s okay for me to put myself first.
  • Juliet deserves good things.
  • Juliet matters.
  • Juliet deserves to be happy, even when someone else isn’t.
  • Juliet deserves to take time off without feeling guilty, even if someone else is busy or working.

 

The good news is that as long as I follow my process, I can defuse the feelings I identified above and get all that negative stuff out of there.

 

 

Working through Selfishness with My Processes

 

So let’s plug my processes in to an instance when the phone is ringing after hours and my inner critic has called me selfish.

 

Process One:

 

  1. I consciously breathe in and out slowly. Breathing with awareness brings me back to the present moment. It gives me an automatic time-out.
  2. I become aware of what I’m doing.
  3. I ask myself, What’s going on in my body, feelings, and brain?

Body: Tense, heart-racing, muscles are clenched

Feelings: Feeling threatened, unsafe, a little angry, but guilty, shameful, bad, and selfish as well

Brain: My brain says that my boundaries are feeling violated and I need to step back and take care of myself. My inner critic, however, is labeling me as bad and selfish for not taking care of the other person. I am believing him.

  1. If possible, I write down the information and journal about how I’m feeling. I feel guilty, shameful, bad, for being selfish. My inner critic is after me.
  2. I pray for the willingness to accept the situation and information as it is. God help me be willing to accept the situation as it is. Someone I care about is calling too late and I need to be in bed. Help me to be willing to accept that I may have to disappoint them, and take care of myself by getting some sleep.
  3. I pray for acceptance of the situation. God, I am now willing. Please help me accept the fact that someone is calling too late and I may have to let them down by not answering the phone.
  4. I admit powerlessness over said problem. I am powerless over what this person will think of me by not answering the phone.
  5. Then I become willing to feel my feelings. I am willing to feel my feelings of feeling threatened, unsafe, a little angry, but guilty, shameful, bad, and selfish as well.
  6. I pray for God to help me with the pain I feel inside. Dear God, please heal the painful feelings I feel inside of being bad, selfish, blamed, shameful, threatened, unsafe, guilty, and a little angry.
  7. I put a note in my God Box about it. Dear God, I give you the situation with this person on the phone and my feelings and the solution to the highest good of all involved.
  8. Where can I put my mind that is not on this? I go do something else.
  9. In this case the something else would be to go to sleep.
  10. I have to remember that God doesn’t make junk. I am a beloved child of God just the way I am. I don’t have to do anything to be okay. I am okay just because I’m me. I must never forget that. I am a worthwhile person just because I exist.
  11. From now on, I will turn off the phone at 8:00 pm and will stay away from it until morning. I will deal with the problems or issues then. I will pray and give it to God too. He will help.
  12. Even if I listen to the phone and feel awful or pick up too late as the critic has convinced me what a selfish person I am, I am still okay. I’m still a good person. I am a beloved child of God. I can always talk to God about it. He’ll help me.
  13. Take myself to Tanglewood: If I’m not near my picture, I use my cross ring as an anchor to remind me to go to Tanglewood in my mind. This helps me relax.

 

 

After I go through Process One, I proceed to Process Two — Make a Plan:

 

  1. I recheck my anxiety level. How am I feeling? Better, less sad, less panicked, more relaxed
  2. I breathe big and deep.
  3. What’s the information? The phone is ringing too late and I can hear it and I’m feeling selfish for not answering. The machine got it and I feel selfish for not calling back.
  4. What are my choices? I can call back and be resentful and cranky about it, or I can go to sleep, wake up fresh tomorrow, and call the person back when it’s convenient for me.
  5. I hold the outcome in the Light of God, give thanks, and visualize what I want. God I give this situation to you to the highest good of all involved. What do you want me to do?
  6. I take action in the direction of the choices I’ve made. If needed, I plan my additional steps. I listen for God’s guidance and directions.
  7. I affirm my choice and accept it. God is telling me to go to sleep and handle the situation in the morning. There is no urgency in spirit. Seasoning things overnight is always a good plan.
  8. I give it to God by either placing my problem in an imaginary goblet and offering it up to Him with arms outstretched or by getting on my hands and knees and giving it to Him. Thank you God for taking this off my plate.
  9. I ask myself, Where could I put my mind that’s not on this?
  10. In this instance, I go to bed, read for a few minutes, and turn out the light.
  11. I thank God. Thank you God for taking care of me.

 

 

Now if I call the person back and then they react negatively to my not being there for them originally, a slightly modified Process Four (that I developed for my teaching life) helps me out: not in TOC

 

  • Don’t take it personally.
  • Don’t react.
  • Stick to business and take care of yourself.
  • Think before you speak.
  • This too shall pass.
  • Let it go.

 

 

Working the Principles to Overcome Selfishness

 

I think one of the biggest things that has helped me overcome all of my defects, but especially my selfishness, is working the 12 Spiritual Principles and their corresponding steps.

 

Honesty: I become honest with myself and admit that I’m powerless over whatever the situation is, or even over my selfishness. I also have to be honest with myself about how I feel, what my needs are, and how I’m going to make sure they are met.

Faith: I have faith that God is there, that He is all powerful, and that He cares for me. I also have faith that He knows how I feel and He can help me with the situation.

Surrender: I give my life, my will, the situation, and my selfishness over to Him.

Soul searching: I do an inventory of how I’m feeling, what I’ve done in the situation, and why. If I’m being selfish in the situation, I need to recognize that. If I’m feeling depleted and need to take care of myself, I need to recognize that too.

Integrity: I tell God and my sponsor how I’m feeling, what I’ve done and why.

Acceptance: I accept myself, what I’ve done and my selfishness, if it is an active factor in said situation, as it is. If I am just taking care of myself and am justified in doing so, then I may still feel selfish because that is my habit, my training, especially if the person is opposed to me taking care of myself over them. Either way, just accepting how I feel and what’s going on is such a huge relief. Suddenly the pressure is off. I just feel better about myself, my world, and my place in it. It’s okay. I’m dealing with what is. This is me.

Humility: This is the principle that helps the most with my selfishness. There is a God, it is not me. I am not in charge. I am here to do God’s will, not my own. Then I humbly ask God to show me if I’m being selfish or just taking care of myself. I ask Him to show me what He wants me to do about it.

Willingness: I am willing to admit I’ve made mistakes, hurt people if that is the case here. I am willing to make plans to make amends, even if those amends are a change in my behavior. That counts as an amends.

Forgiveness: Then I forgive myself and others for everything that has occurred in the situation at hand. I forgive myself for whatever actions my selfishness has had on others. I forgive them for whatever it is I think they’ve done to me.

Perseverance: I keep working my program, working on myself, and do a daily inventory of my behaviors during the day. When I’m wrong, I admit it. This still is not easy for me, but I do it.

Making contact (spirituality): Worship through prayer, meditation, bible study, and a constant contact with God all help me get rid of my selfishness because I’ve placed God at the center of my life.
Service: Nothing like service work to remind me that it’s not all about me. It’s all about God and what he wants. It’s about reaching out to others in need and sharing my recovery. That is me getting out of my selfishness and into a place of compassion and care.

Simplicity: I keep my life simple, with God at the center of my world. I live my life with clarity of purpose focused on God and what He wants, not what I want.

 

The principles are vital to my recovery from my selfishness. I will continue to work them and apply them to my life. Thanks be to God, I am grateful.

 

[1] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.

[2] Ibid.

Selfishness

Selfishness

I have done step work around my selfishness, dug through my issues, and have thrown a good portion of my selfishness in the garbage. However, there is still a little bit left. So I can still be a selfish person sometimes. Selfishness continues to be one of my defects of character.

 

To me, selfish means that I only care about me and what I want. What other people want, need, or feel is not an issue. It’s all about me.

 

So when could I be excessively concerned about myself, while not considering the well-being of others?

  1. When I get ticked off that the early morning lifeguard at the pool is late. In this instance, I am upset that my swim is going to get cut short because I have to get to work.
  2. When I’m behind someone slow, either in the car or in the checkout line at the store. Usually I’m in a hurry, either because I am running late, or I have somewhere else I would rather be.
  3. My inner critic accuses me of being selfish for not answering the phone when I’m in the middle of doing something else. I don’t have to listen to his lies. The truth is that letting the machine get the phone and calling the person back later is how I take care of myself. That’s not selfish.
  4. When I get ticked off inside at a child for quitting class. Deep down part of me is upset that they’re quitting because it will make my class numbers look low, which will make me look like a bad teacher. Maybe it’s actually in the best interest of the student to quit.
  5. When I rush past an elderly, struggling person, instead of holding the door for them or helping them. I used to do that, but I don’t anymore. I always try to help them.
  6. When a family emergency or event threatens to interrupt whatever it is that I wanted to be doing in my life. I usually obsess about this until the situation gets resolved.

 

 

Selfish or Practicing Self-Care?

 

Now I can look at the above list in two ways. I can look at it as if all of the items mark me as being selfish. I can also look at it like all of the items on the list are times when I just feel selfish. Or a third option is that it could be a little of each.

 

I think there’s a difference between actually being selfish and feeling selfish. In some instances, I probably am selfish. In some other instances, I’m just taking care of myself but I feel selfish. This is my codependency talking. As a young person, I was reprimanded for doing what I needed to do to take care of myself. So I learned that putting myself before others was wrong. So now whenever I put myself first, I feel selfish.

 

Let’s go through the six scenarios.

 

 

 

 

 

A Closer Look

 

  1. The pool issue: The opening time for the pool is supposed to be at 6:00 am, not 6:05, 6:15 or 6:30, but 6:00 o’clock in the morning. I don’t think that is me being selfish. I have to be at work at a certain time. If I’m late, people are waiting for me. Business is business.

 

  1. Slow people and the hurried Juliet: I think this is largely a patience problem that has already been addressed. I think this is an instance where most of the time I just feel selfish. I do wait in line with everyone else, even though inside I could be feeling incredibly impatient. I do usually drive safely even behind a slow driver, despite the fact that I’m trying to control the situation by whining and yelling inside the car.

 

If I’m obviously huffing and puffing in the line at a Cumberland Farms convenience store, that is probably not very nice of me. If I rudely cut in front of someone in line, that would be selfish. That would be me putting my well-being ahead of everyone else, no matter what. The other people are often in a hurry to get somewhere else too.

 

  1. The phone: Let’s say someone I know calls me, and they are in a bad way and really need a friend. If I don’t pick up the phone and talk to them, even though I have time, that is me being selfish. If, on the other hand, they’re calling at a late hour, when I’m working or busy, then by not answering, I am taking care of myself. Program is teaching me that I matter and I must take care of myself before I take care of others.

 

  1. Students quitting class: If a student stops taking my class and I’m upset because it makes my student roster look too small, that is me being selfish. I need to put the student’s well-being ahead of my own. If it’s better for the child to stop studying the instrument, then that’s what is most important. If I’m upset because they’re quitting and I feel it’s in their best interest to keep playing their instrument, then saying something is me looking out for them. That’s good. That is compassion and care.

 

  1. Rushing by those in need: If I rush by people who may need my assistance without helping them, that’s selfish of me. It only takes a minute to hold the door for someone. It only takes a minute to hold the door for someone and smile at them while you’re doing it. A few years ago, my sponsor gave me the assignment to smile and say hello to everyone I saw in the hallway. I still do that. It really helps me to feel happier.

 

  1. Schedule and priority conflicts: I think the scheduling and priority conflicts that we deal with in relation to our family of origin can be some of the toughest conflicts for anyone to face. I know they are for me. When a family crisis occurs, I think I need to do my best to be there for my family as much as I am able. But I don’t have to fix whatever it going on. Most of the time, I can’t fix it anyway. By crisis I mean someone is ill, has been in an accident, or has passed away. I’m sure more crises exist, but those are some amongst many that I’ve dealt with. I think what holds true here is exactly what holds true with the phone. If I’m able and available, I need to be there for my family. If, on the other hand, they are contacting me when I’m asleep, need to be working, or otherwise busy at something important, then by not answering the phone I’m taking care of myself.

 

 

As you can see, my selfishness is a defect of character that still needs some work. I need to focus my efforts on ridding myself of selfishness in regards to being behind slow people, whether I’m in line at the store, or behind a vehicle on the road. I need to work on my selfishness in regards to the pool schedule and its inconsistencies. Everyone is doing the best they can and I can go get on the treadmill if the pool is closed. I need to keep working on my selfishness in regards to schedule and priority conflicts. Sometimes there are things that are more important than what I am doing for myself. For example, if I’m supposed to meet someone somewhere and I keep them waiting because I want to finish what I’m working on (like a lesson plan or a section of this book, for example,), then that is selfish of me. When a student quits, I must remember to consider their needs and what is best for them above my own. The needs of the student are the most important thing. That is me letting go of selfishness.

 

I heard in a CoDA meeting that a person gets on their knees first thing in the morning and asks God to remove all selfishness from them for the day. What would that look like? I should do that.

Pride

 

He was telling me

Get your ego out of the way

Music, art and book

Are for you to heal yourself

Heal yourself so you can be a better teacher

Teach from the center of who you are

 

~ He Was Telling Me by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2013, all rights reserved

 

 

I sometimes struggle with pride. I want people to respect me. I want to get what I think I deserve.

 

To me, pride means that I want to be noticed by others and important to myself and other people. I want to matter.

 

My pride often rears its ugly head when I’m at work. When this happens, I want to be heard, recognized, respected, obeyed, honored, noticed, and loved. I want my students to follow directions and do it my way. My pride leads me to want control over my situation and others.

 

Sometimes I feel like the universe is telling me to swallow my pride, humble myself, submit, be obedient, stick my head in the sand, and just deal with it. My inner child doesn’t like that. She did that her whole life. She feels like she works hard and wants to be recognized. She wants to be right, loved, justified, and perfect.

 

Usually I start feeling like this when I’m working too hard and not taking care of myself. I start losing track of where I end and my job begins. My job and I become intertwined and pretty soon I think I’m my job. This happened to me last fall, when school was at its busiest. What follows is an account of one of those terribly hectic weeks and how I came to resolve this pride issue inside of myself.

 

 

I’m Not My Job 

 

I’m not my job. I do the best I can but I’m a separate person from my job. I must remember that. I am a beloved child of God just because I exist. I’m not my actions; I’m me, I’m soul. I’m not just emotions and human ego. There is that of God in me somewhere. On my better days, it shines through.

I’m not my job. It doesn’t define who I am. It’s something I do. I put food on my table, a roof over my head, and pay my exorbitant property taxes. I do the best I can. Thank you, God.

 

I am distressed because I have had a really rough week at work and my ego is feeling bruised. First of all, I got an email from a teacher at a local music school that upset me. In this email, the teacher asked questions about how I teach notation. She said she was trying to figure out how to help my students. She wondered at what point they learn letter names and finger numbers from me. I emailed her back and told her that I teach in solfeggio. When one teaches in solfeggio (solfege for short,) syllables are used to stand for notes of the scale. These syllables allow music students to sing their parts. This is a very effective way to teach young children because if they can sing it, they can play it. This also helps them learn to read it.

 

The parent emailed me too and asked me to teach her child in a certain way. She said that if I needed help she knew someone who could teach me how to teach notation. Give me a break. That was definitely an ego bruiser.

 

I felt very threatened by this email. I felt less than, like a failure and a bad teacher. I felt like I had no worth because I was bad at my job. I felt like I should quit.

 

The second blow to my pride came later that same week when I received an upsetting email from a parent. This parent failed to read all of the paperwork I had sent, and thus misread and misunderstood the class schedule. The email the parent sent me was abrupt, and it scolded me for misrepresenting the who, what, when, and where of the fall strings schedule. Somewhere in-between email responses and replies, this parent must have been set straight by someone or something, because she did apologize later. My email reply to her was a simple “thank you,” because I didn’t know what else to say.

 

Still, I felt very beaten up and was crying on my way home from work that day. Anytime someone points the proverbial finger in my face and says “you said,” I feel blamed. That hurts.

 

When school is first getting started, parents can be very demanding. They want information from me at all hours of the day and night. They want things to be right for their child and they want to know where they need to be when. I get that. But I’m busting my tail to get the information out there to them and then they get upset about it. Would they rather I not say anything? Maybe I should just stop communicating.

 

Why do I work so hard? Why do I do it? It’s because of the kids. I do it for the kids. My students are wonderful, cool, fun people and I like them a lot. I owe it to them to go to work every day and do my best. I owe it to them to teach them, develop their playing, and to bring out the good in them. The kids are the best part of this whole business. They are why I get up and go to work every day. I must remember that.

 

When I get overtired, depressed, and discouraged, I tend to look at things all wrong. I look through the eyes of my tired, less-than self and try to find something I did right so I can feel good about myself. This is me getting my worth from my job and what I do. This is Satan tempting me to be prideful. My pride wants me to look good and be glorified to feed my sagging ego.

 

But this isn’t about me. It’s about me being a vehicle for God’s will and doing the job he has asked me to do. The only thing that matters is that He be glorified. If God is glorified by what I do, then I’ve done my job.

 

I need to humble myself before God and what He wants me to do in this life.

 

I prayed about this on the way home that day. During that time, God told me some things, including:

  • “Your book and your music are the thing, Juliet, don’t forget that.”
  • “Dream God’s dream.”

During this time, I recited a favorite bible verse:

 

“Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”

~ Psalm 61: 2 (NIV)

 

 

And look at how I got permissions from CoDA to use their steps, traditions, and promises in my book. That is God talking to me. That is God reaffirming that it’s what he wants me to do.

 

I am a beloved child of God just because of me. I don’t get my self-worth from my job. My job is something I do. I have worth because He made me. He has a job for me to do. I will take off the coat of pride, put on the sweater of humility, and will do what God wants me to do to the best of my ability.

 

Additional practices I engage in when I’m struggling with my pride: 

  • Worship: Talking to God through consistent morning prayers and meditation is necessary for me to remember that it’s not about me and what I want, it’s about God and what He wants. I need to be alone with God every morning to listen for His voice and serve Him better.
  • Journaling: I journal every morning to get the pride, ego, and control issues out of me and into the open so they can be dealt with.
  • Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to get anger, resentment, and selfish human pride out of the way so I can be God’s servant.
  • Time with my inner child: Often when I’m feeling unimportant, less than, worthless, or unappreciated, it’s because I’m ignoring my inner child and not meeting her needs. To remedy this, I spend time visioning with my inner child. During this time, I watch her in my vision and listen for what she needs and wants. Then I try to give her what she wants and needs. This helps me immensely.
  • Scripture: Reading the bible every morning helps me to remember that God is in charge of my life. He must come first and is giving me guidance on what to do.
  • Constant God connection: I pray as much as I can throughout the day. This includes morning and evening prayers on my knees, silent prayers, and listening for His direction throughout my day.
  • Read the daily list: I read my list of defects of character to God every morning and humbly ask him to remove them if and when He is ready. Pride is on that list.
  • Submission: When God gives me a message, instructions, or assignments, I try to do them, whether I want to do them or not. I trust that He knows what’s best for me more than I do. I do my best.
  • Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “There is a God, it is not me,” “I can’t, God can, I think I’ll let Him,” “Willingness is key,” “This too shall pass,” and “Just for today.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t React in the Classroom 

The next lesson in not reacting happened with a boy in my classroom.

 

A parent emailed me and told me that her son, we’ll call him Louis, was on an Individual Education Plan (an education plan specifically designed for a child by his education team) and struggled in cello class. She said that her son felt he was behind everyone else in my class and that he felt singled out by me. I guess he felt picked on. The parent said she didn’t know if this were true or not and that she was not there to see it. She also said that she and her husband had had enough of the crying fits that would go on the night before cello class. So she was returning the cello and thanked me for everything I had done for her son.

 

I took this in as blame. Again, I wanted to react. All of Juliet’s Codependency Patterns and Feelings as listed earlier were hard at work, hammering away at me.

 

Louis had come in for his group cello class earlier on the day that I received his mother’s email. He was upset and on edge when he walked in the room. He remained that way for the whole lesson, despite my efforts to appease him, praise him, and create a comfortable, positive environment. He left upset as well. I was upset by this and was doubly upset when I received his mother’s email.

 

Once again, the old Juliet wanted to email that parent, get in front of the student, get on my knees, and beg for forgiveness. But I didn’t do that. I took a time-out. I gave it to God and “seasoned” it overnight. Seasoning is a Quaker term that basically means to give the issue at hand over to God for a length of time to see what He wants to do about it. So that’s what I did.

 

Again, I started by chanting my mantras:

  • Time out!
  • I will not react.
  • I will wait for God’s guidance.

 

I repeated them over and over.

 

I went upstairs to my altar and contacted my inner child, inner teen, and Christ. In short, I gave the situation to my team (the child, teen, and Christ), and they told me what they wanted me to do. Then I spent time in prayer about it. I asked Christ to write the email for me. I prayed for Louis.

 

In the middle of the night, I woke up and realized that God was teaching me not to react. That was, once again, my lesson in all of this.

 

Once again I did not react. I did not respond to the email until Monday. I had received the parent’s email on a Friday afternoon. (I’ve noticed that I have been getting emails on Friday afternoons as tests and lessons in not reacting.)
When I did email the parent, it was a nice, balanced, truthful email. I have not heard from her.

 

I did not react. I passed the test.

 

 

Then I gave myself a pep talk:

  • I’m human.
  • I make mistakes
  • If I’m wrong, I promptly admit it.
  • I apologize.
  • I’m doing the best I can.
  • I have to let it go because I’m doing the best I can.
  • I’m not responsible for their feelings.
  • I have feelings too, I’m human.
  • I have to turn it over, every time.

 

The next Thursday, after I had responded to his mother’s email, I saw Louis in the hallway and made amends to him.

“I’m so sorry if you felt like I singled you out,” I told him. “I had no idea you felt that way and did not intend to do that. I think you were doing fine in class and were keeping up with everyone just fine. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he said, looking in my eyes.

“Well, I just wanted to say I’m sorry and if you ever want to come back, you’re more than welcome.”

 

“Okay, thank you.”

 

He was looking into my eyes and I felt like he was really sincere.

 

These lessons are very, very painful. But they must be necessary or God wouldn’t keep giving them to me. Either I will pass the test or I won’t. I want to pass the test. I’m trying hard to pass the test. In fact, I’m sure God will keep giving me the test until I pass it.

 

Then I realized that I needed to go back to my mantras and processes for life that I outlined in my first book.

Using the process I described in my first book, I helped myself heal.
In Everything Is My Fault, this process is included in “Juliet’s Mantras,” in a bulleted list, and for this occasion, I will plug in some comments related to the situation with the student I am calling Louis (note: not all the mantras are listed here):

 

  • It’s not my fault.
  • This has nothing to do with me. This is about his process, not mine.
  • Go do something that makes you happy.
  • Work on your tunes.
  • I’m doing the best I can in this moment to nurture my career and myself.
  • When I’m feeling emotional, I can make an excuse and walk around the school, or at least leave the room and breathe in and out.
  • I am clear and upfront in my communication.
  • Be patient.
  • Take care of yourself.
  • Get out with your woman friends.
  • I do things because I want to make myself happy, not to gain approval from someone else.
  • I need boundaries with all folks, especially students and parents.
  • What is the karmic opportunity here? What can I learn from this?
    • I’m not in charge here.
    • Stay in the moment.
    • This is not my problem to fix.[1]

 

I then realized that the issue here may be the inner teen and what she’s going through with this. Then I did some inner teen work, similar to the work described in “The Inner Child and Doris” section of “Recovery and the Inner Child.”

 

Later that week I ran into a fellow teaching colleague from another district who gave me some much needed advice on getting the necessary information to meet the needs of all of the students in my classroom. She also gave me some helpful tips on contacting parents right away when things happen in the classroom, to circumvent the storytelling that can happen after the child gets home. This was great advice.

 

Then I wrote my gratitude poem that is in the front of this book. That is me taking my gratitude list one step further. That is me in recovery. Everything that happens is for my recovery.

 

Let’s plug Processes One and Two into my “Don’t React in the Classroom” Incident.

 

We’ll start with Process One:

 

  1. I consciously breathe in and out slowly. Breathing with awareness brings me back to the present moment. It gives me an automatic time-out.
  2. I become aware of what I’m doing.
  3. I ask myself, What’s going on in my body, feelings, and brain?

Body: Tense, heart-racing, sweating, starting to panic

Feelings: I am bad, I hurt someone, blaming myself, shame, hurt, panicked like I have to fix it

Brain: My brain says I am a bad teacher and I hurt this child. That it is my fault that he is quitting and I need to do better and be more perfect.

  1. If possible, I write down the information and journal about how I’m feeling.

I feel sad, like I’m bad, shame, I hurt, panicked like I have to fix it

  1. I pray for the willingness to accept the situation and information as it is. Dear God, help me to be willing to accept the situation with Louis as it is.
  2. I pray for acceptance of the situation. Dear God, help me to accept the situation with Louis as it is. Heal me, Lord.
  3. I admit powerlessness over said problem. Dear God, I am powerless over Louis and his future in my class.
  4. Then I become willing to feel my feelings. I feel sad, bad, shameful. I’m feeling panic too, like I have to go fix Louis and save him from hurting.
  5. I pray for God to help me with the pain I feel inside. Dear God, heal me from this pain I feel inside.
  6. I put a note in my God Box about it.
  7. Where can I put my mind that is not on this? I go do something else.
  8. The something else lately has been me playing music on my violin, viola, cello, and guitar when I feel despair coming on or am in the middle of the CoDA crazies. Playing music gets me relaxed, calm, breathing, and balanced. In the later section titled “Music for Recovery (The Healing Power of Music),” I discuss the genres of music I play in more detail.
  9. I have to remember that God doesn’t make junk. I am a beloved child of God just the way I am. I don’t have to do anything to be okay. I am okay just because I’m me. I must never forget that. I am a worthwhile person just because I exist.
  10. From now on, I will try and get the IEPs of my students ahead of time so I am better prepared to meet their needs. I will also wait before responding to parents and students. I will not react. I will pray and give it to God too. He will help.
  11. Even if I am not able get my hands on an IEP or by accident react to a student instead of waiting, I am still okay. I’m still a good person. I am a beloved child of God. I can always talk to God about it. He’ll help me.
  12. Take myself to Tanglewood: I take myself there in my mind. If I’m not near my Tanglewood picture, I use my cross ring as an anchor to remind myself to go to Tanglewood in my mind. It helps me relax.

 

 

After I go through Process One, I proceed to Process Two — Make a Plan:

 

  1. I recheck my anxiety level. How am I feeling? Better, less sad, less panicked, more relaxed
  2. I breathe big and deep.
  3. What is the information? Louis is quitting and his mother says he feels singled out.
  4. What are my choices? I can sit here and obsess and feel awful about myself, or I can realize I’ve done the best I can in all that I’ve done about the situation and let it go.
  5. I hold the outcome in the Light of God, give thanks, and visualize what I want. Dear God, I give you Louis and the situation with cello class to the highest good of all involved. Thank you God for taking this off my plate and fixing it for me. I imagine Louis happy and living his life.
  6. I take action in the direction of the choices I’ve made. If needed, I plan my additional steps. I’ve done all I can. I give this to God and let it go.
  7. I affirm my choice and accept it. I’ve done all I can. I give this to God and let it go.
  8. I give it to God by either placing my problem in an imaginary goblet and offering it up to God with arms outstretched or by getting on my hands and knees and giving it to Him. Dear God, here I give you Louis and cello class and his mother to the highest good of all involved. May your will be done.
  9. I ask myself, Where could I put my mind that’s not on this?
  10. I go play my instruments, write a song, work on my book, or do some painting.
  11. I thank God.

 

The critical first step that has helped me the most in recovering from being a reactionary is chanting my mantras:

 

  • Time out!
  • I will not react.
  • I will wait for God’s guidance.

 

Then I follow my processes. This works for me and I am recovering. Thank you God for these lessons and this progress.

 

[1] Wright, Juliet. Everything Is My Fault. Pownal, VT: Hidden Angel Publishing, page 286.

Don’t React to Your Friend – Twice!

 

This lesson was so strong that I got it twice in a row, with the same person.

 

This happened with my friend Doris, who I wrote about in “Recovery in Friendships,” and in my first book, in a section titled “Doris.” This was a painful experience for me.

This was also a lesson in not reacting and it was a lesson that I passed. I received an upsetting email from Doris and I did not react. I did not respond right away. I prayed about it and contacted my inner teen. God said I didn’t have to do anything about it, so I didn’t. That doesn’t mean it was easy. There was a big part of the old Juliet deep down in there that wanted to go shamefully crawling back to my long-time friend, blubbering all the way, stating how “less than” I was, and begging forgiveness. I was really hurting.

 

That has been my training from my family for most of my life and I was an excellent student. But I did not react. I clung to the words and voice of God for dear life and listened. This was difficult, laborious, and emotionally exhausting for me, but I got through it. God told me not to respond to the email, so I didn’t.

 

A couple of weeks later, I got another email from her, which was an attempt to tell me how she felt about things. I felt my heart start to race as I read the email. None of it felt positive. I took it all in as blame. As I read it, I felt like I was being put through a paper shredder. My heart chakra felt really uncomfortable. Panic was setting in. It didn’t feel good. I felt the CoDA crazies coming on. I was in trouble.

 

All of Juliet’s Codependency Patterns and Feelings that are listed above were in action inside my brain.

 

I wanted to react by emailing right away, just as I wanted to with the student, in an endless apology, begging forgiveness so I could feel better about my pitiful self.

 

I started once again by chanting my mantras:

  • Time out!
  • I will not react.
  • I will wait for God’s guidance.

 

I repeated them over and over.

 

Thanks be to my loving, all powerful, merciful God. He got me out of that chair at my computer and sent me upstairs to my altar. I contacted the inner child and the inner teen. The details of the contact with my inner child and inner teen are presented in further detail in “The Inner Child and Doris” section of “Recovery and the Inner Child” later in this book.

 

The short version that I will present here is that I asked the child, the teen, and Christ what to do and they told me. They told the how, when, and what regarding my email to her. I followed directions and did that. I thought it was a nice email.  Summing it up, I asked for space from her. It was really difficult for me to do this, but I did what God wanted me to do. In the end, as tough as this process was, I felt relief — a huge amount of relief.

 

Then I got on Facebook and saw part of her post. The trailer indicated she was devastated by something, but then you had to click on it to find out the details. I didn’t click on it. I didn’t take the bait. I didn’t react. Yea me! It was tough. My heart was beating and I felt like I was bad. I had been bad and was hurting her and it was all my fault. I was mean. This was my inner critic once again giving me grief. The good news is that I did not react. I told my inner critic to be quiet and I got the heck out of there. I stopped following her on Facebook and eventually defriended her.

 

This was a good decision for me and for my inner child. We feel much safer.

 

A few weeks later, I got another group email post from her. I was away at the American String Teachers Association Conference in Utah at the time. The subject line referred to the dark, rough time she was going through. This email came late on a Friday night, just as so many of them had. This was a lesson in not reacting. I felt panic run through my body. I did not feel safe and neither did my inner child. I stopped. I breathed in and out. I called a program friend for support. She stayed on the phone with me as I deleted the email. I know this was what God wanted me to do. This was my lesson. After all, what else could I do? It seemed to me that I could never do anything right in this person’s eyes. Anything I did got criticized. Reacting would have no doubt had bad, painful consequences. I followed the directions from God and am better off. I did not react. Good for me.

 

 

 

Juliet the Reactor (Lessons in Not Reacting)

 

 

Part One

 

I have been a reactor for most of my life. I learned to react as child. I did it to protect myself and survive my difficult childhood. Now that I’m an adult, the habit of reacting no longer serves me. Lately I’ve had some lessons in not reacting.

 

Reacting to me means that I respond to a situation automatically without thinking it through first.

 

What follows are some of the lessons I’ve received in learning not to react.

 

 

No More PD?

 

In “Patience Please,” I described a situation that occurred in my worklife regarding my professional development. In this situation, I think I was being given a lesson in not reacting.

 

Did I react? Maybe. As soon as I received the email from the computer system saying that my paid professional development was denied, I emailed everyone involved and informed them that the trip had been canceled.
A better plan might have been for me to wait a few days, contact my administrator, and see what could be done about the situation.

 

I did react and then I obsessed about the issue all weekend. It was a long holiday weekend too, which was too bad because I ruined it by obsessing.

 

In the months that followed as this process evolved, I tried to think the process through and reach out to those who could help me. It did work out in the end but it was a long process requiring much patience. There were many times that I wanted to react by either canceling the whole trip and saying forget it or calling the administrators in charge and demanding that they resolve the situation immediately. In the end, I didn’t over-react. Good for me. This was a lesson in not reacting.

 

 

Don’t React to That Student 

 

The next lesson took place in the classroom with the student that I wrote about in “Keeping My Eyes on Christ.” I didn’t react on that one either, but boy I wanted to badly. The old Juliet wanted to get that parent on the phone, bring the student in, and then get on my knees and beg for forgiveness. I wanted to react, but I didn’t. I stopped, prayed, asked God what he wanted me to do, and waited for him to tell me. I waited to respond. It was very difficult for me to do this. It was painful. I obsessed. My gut ached. That is what happens when I feel like I’ve hurt someone.

 

Here are Juliet’s Codependency Patterns that were at work:

  • Your moods and actions are my fault.
  • If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.
  • If you like me, I like me.
  • If you think I’m good, I think I’m good.
  • Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong.
  • I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.
  • I shower you with favors and pleasures to make you stay.
  • My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.[1]

 

All of Juliet’s Feelings were at work here:

  • This is all my fault. I did something wrong.
  • They are right. I am wrong.
  • They are going to abandon me.
  • They are going to reject me.
  • I don’t deserve good things.
  • I am less than.
  • I am ashamed.
  • I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever.
  • I’m not good enough to be here.[2]

 

This is what I learned from my family of origin. I learned that I was responsible for everyone else’s feelings and actions. It was all my fault. So I learned to automatically apologize for everything all the time and take everything in as blame. I don’t have to do that today.

And I did not do that in this situation either.

 

I started by chanting my mantras:

  • Time out!
  • I will not react.
  • I will wait for God’s guidance.

 

 

I repeated them over and over.

 

Then I waited to respond to the mother’s email until I was sure what God wanted me to say. I asked God to write the email for me and He did. The fact that I never heard back from the parent is immaterial. This was a lesson in not reacting and I passed.

 

[1] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.

[2] Ibid.

Patience Please

 

 

All my life I’m waiting

For one thing or another

Patience is my lesson

And time is my mother

 

~ Waiting Part One from Fearless Moral Inventory by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2010, all rights reserved

 

 

One of my biggest defects of character is impatience.

 

To me, patience means that I’m willing to wait for what I want or need. Impatience means that I want what I want right now and don’t ever want to wait for it.

 

That pretty much sums it up for me. I’d like everything right this minute, please. I can’t stand waiting. Whether I’m in traffic, on hold on the telephone, in line at the checkout counter at the grocery store, or waiting for my computer to boot up, I’m always in a hurry. Maybe it’s because I’m always late, always short on time, and thus am always trying to fit too many activities into a small amount of time. Or maybe it’s because I live in a society where multi-tasking has become the norm. Perhaps it is a combination of all of those things.

 

I’m very impatient. I’ve written a three-part song about my impatience, in fact. A selection from that song introduces this section. The song is called Waiting. Here are some more choruses from that piece of music:

 

Why must I keep waiting

For time that doesn’t exist

Am I missing something

Or trying to resist

 

Why must I keep waiting

Everything takes forever

Life is never simple

It’s always an endeavor

 

~ Waiting Part Two from Fearless Moral Inventory by Juliet A. Wright copyright 2010, all rights reserved

 

 

Why must I keep waiting

For hours without salvation

What is it that I’m gaining

But pain and frustration

 

Why must I keep waiting

What is it I’m to learn

If it’s peace I have none

More lessons will I earn

 

~ Waiting Part Three from Fearless Moral Inventory by Juliet A. Wright copyright 2010, all rights reserved

 

 

I am impatient for many different things. I’m impatient at the wheel of a car when I get behind a slow driver. I’m impatient when the phone rings, I answer it, and I don’t have time to talk and need to hang up. I’m impatient when I’m tired. I’m impatient with my art. I’m impatient when I’m in line at a Cumberland Farms convenience store, where some person is buying lotto tickets, cigarettes, sandwiches, and everything else behind the counter at a very slow pace.

 

I’m impatient when it comes to my weight loss too. God tells me to be patient and to persevere. I do my best. I am learning to endure the weight loss process by being happy with small amounts of weight loss at a time. This comes in opposition to my old self who expected to lose 10 pounds in one night by starving myself as I have in the past. It took me a while to gain the weight, it will take me a while to lose it. Good things come to those who wait. In this way, I am learning patience. One step forward, two steps back.

 

The bible addresses patience in the book of James:

 

Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near.

~ James 5:7-8 (NIV)

 

When I’m struggling with patience, James reminds me to look for support in the prophets who were patient and persevered. I need to do this because:

 

As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered.

~ James 5:10-11 (NIV)

 

So the principle of perseverance is being addressed here. James wants us to keep going, keep trying, and not give up. In the book of James, Job — even though he was suffering from all kinds of illness and loss — persevered.

 

Patience and perseverance go hand in hand in my world too. I must learn to go by God’s timing, not my own. And I must remember that everything is happening as it is meant to happen.

 

Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake.[1]

 

The booklet Let Go and Let God by Steve Mays says that God made Joseph wait 13 years before he became head of Egypt as Prime Minister.[2]

 

So here I have the concept of patience coming at me from multiple sources. That is God talking to me. I must listen.

 

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God that He may exalt you in due time. ~ 1 Peter 5:6 (NIV)

 

Steve Mays says we are impatient by nature. All humans are. He says sometimes God withholds things because he wants to do something even greater in the end. God is not in a hurry.[3] My therapist says that too. There is no urgency in Spirit.

 

 

Patience at Work

 

Patience and tests produce endurance. That must be why I went through all of those difficulties with my professional development approvals this year. Each year, I take my two professional development days and one personal day and go to the American String Teachers Association Conference. The conference is in a different place every year. In 2015, it was held in Salt Lake City, Utah. Every time, the process of getting it approved by my superiors gets a little more difficult. This go-round really took the cake. My school district has a new computer program that records absences. Of course I’m still learning how to use it.

 

The process is supposed to be really efficient, but that was not the case this time. I followed the process by filling out the necessary paperwork and putting the dates in the computer. Then my Deputy Superintendent said I couldn’t go. So I canceled the trip. I was really confused and disappointed by the Deputy Superintendent’s decision. This trip is one of the highlights of my year. Then she said I just entered the information wrong, but it could be fixed and I should go. So I fixed all of the information in the computer and sent it to her. She approved it. I thought I was all set. Later that month, she contacted me and stated that she never heard from me and therefore didn’t approve it. Then she left our district to work somewhere else. By then, I had paid for my non-refundable plane ticket and conference attendance fees. I was very frustrated and bewildered by this. I don’t blame my former leader. No one is perfect and she was no doubt doing the best she could, just as I was.
I did not give up. I stuck with it. The administration asked me to be patient and trust that it would be approved. I did that. I waited for the administration to help me fix the problem and they did.

 

This process taught me patience and perseverance. Working my program helped me to stay calm and take things in stride, instead of going to a place of anxiety and obsession. I had to wait for the Deputy Superintendent’s replacement to be hired. Then I had to persevere and patiently resubmit all that paperwork to get the trip approved. I was patient. I asked God for help. Once again He delivered. The trip was approved and I went.

 

 

Patience and Art 

 

I am also learning patience through the medium of art. I am an amateur visual artist, dabbling in oil painting. I’m not good at it, but I love it. I am slowly learning a little bit at a time. I built myself an art studio that has a barn underneath. The studio has a bathroom and doubles as a guest room. It has a wonderful view out the windows.

 

The purpose of painting in my life is to teach me patience. When I first started art, I approached it like I approach everything else. I was in a hurry. I wanted to create a perfect, museum-worthy painting in an hour. Right. Hello? I was still like that until recently. Then I had an awakening. Why don’t I just leave this painting on the easel for a while until I get it how I like it?

 

Now my paintings are not something I am trying to get finished, in the can, signed right away. They are something I am patiently picking away at over time. The old Juliet would have been yelling at herself, saying, “You just bought all of those art-instruction DVDs and videotapes and you haven’t even gotten through the first video yet! Hurry up! I want all of those videos done by the end of the month!” Tell me, do I have a drill sergeant in my head or what? That is my inner critic barking orders. I don’t have to listen to him.

 

Painting teaches me patience in many ways. First of all, it takes time to apply the medium to the canvas and work it in to the point where it can be successfully painted upon. Secondly, it takes time and patience to mix the desired color to be just right. The process cannot be rushed. Thirdly, it takes time, control, effort, and infinite patience for me to do the brush strokes just right as I try to emulate what the instructor is doing on the DVD. (I am teaching myself to paint via Bob Ross’s Joy of Painting series. Right now, I am working with his 3-hour “how to paint” DVD, which is fantastic.)

 

I am learning patience in other areas of my life too. A while back, I was leaving the coffee place and an old man was trying to make it to his car. This poor old man was really struggling and didn’t have a cane, so he was moving just a little bit at a time. Why didn’t he have a cane? I felt badly for him. The old Juliet would have been annoyed that he was so slow and in her way. The new Juliet had compassion for this man and was debating about whether or not to help him. That is a step forward, towards the kinder, more compassionate Juliet and away from the impatient Juliet. I’m learning to be more patient with others. I’m learning to be patient with myself. I’m doing the best I can. I’m doing as much as I can.

 

I’m still impatient when I am driving in traffic and I’m working on that. I’m also trying to leave earlier so that there is less stress involved and more time available to get where I’m going. I also try to get up at the crack of dawn when possible to get where I’m going so I miss traffic. I have my Angry Birds stuck to my dashboard. They are there to calm me down and they do so quite effectively. I keep lots of music in my car that I use to calm myself down and get into the patient mode when I’m driving. As I stated earlier, The Matrix Reloaded soundtrack is great for calming me down.

 

God is not on my time line. I am on His time line. He has a better plan for me, better than what I could have orchestrated. I need to chill out, trust Him, and keep going. These tests of patience are producing perseverance in me.

 

Juliet’s Mantras on Patience

  • I am learning patience.
  • I will become a more patient person.
  • Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

~ Corinthians 13:4 (NIV)

  • Juliet is patient, Juliet is kind. Juliet does not envy, she does not boast, she is not proud. ~ Juliet’s translation

 

So now I will take my impatience with my professional development approval and put it into Processes One and Two.

 

 

 

Process One:

 

  1. I consciously breathe in and out slowly. Breathing with awareness brings me back to the present moment. It gives me an automatic time-out.
  2. I become aware of what I am doing.
  3. I ask myself, What’s going on in my body, feelings, and brain?

Body:  Body is tense, heart is starting to race. My body is starting to sweat.

Feelings: Angry, frustrated, impatient, and rageful.

Brain:  I’m very tired of waiting for my professional development to be approved. Nothing is happening and I’m stressed out about it. I can’t get my money back for the flight, hotel, or conference fee. If they don’t approve my time off, I’ll be out all that money and I won’t get the professional development this year.

  1. If possible, I write down the information and journal about how I’m feeling. I feel angry, frustrated, impatient, and rageful.
  2. I pray for the willingness to accept the situation and information as it is. God help me be willing to accept this endless waiting process for my professional development approval as it is.
  3. I pray for acceptance of the situation. God help me to accept this endless waiting process for my professional development approval. Help me accept that you have a reason for this process and delay and that it is for my highest good.
  4. I admit powerlessness over said problem. Dear God, I admit powerlessness over my professional development approval process.
  5. Then I become willing to feel my feelings. I feel angry, frustrated, impatient, and rageful. I really let myself feel it, all out. I let my rage out by playing Porcupine Tree’s Fear of a Blank Planet, or The Matrix Reloaded soundtrack to relieve myself of this anxiety. I will glance at my Angry Birds while I listen. This helps me get my rage out. If I’m at home, I will exercise and pound and yell to get rid of that icky anger energy inside of me.
  6. I pray for God to help me with the pain I feel inside. Dear God, I am powerless over this anger, frustration, impatience, and rage that I am feeling now. I ask that you remove these feelings of pain from me.
  7. I put a note in my God Box about it. Dear God, I give you my professional development approval and my feelings about the situation to the highest good of all involved.
  8. Where can I put my mind that is not on this? I go do something else.
  9. The something else lately has been me playing music on my violin, viola, cello, and guitar when I feel despair coming on or am in the middle of the CoDA crazies. Playing music gets me relaxed, calm, breathing, and balanced.
  10. I have to remember that God doesn’t make junk. I am a beloved child of God just the way I am. I don’t have to do anything to be okay. I am okay just because I’m me. I must never forget that. I am a worthwhile person just because I exist.
  11. From now on, I will just decide to be happy and patient when confronted with situations where I feel anger, frustration, impatience, and rage. If this doesn’t work, I will repeat step 8 above of Process One until I feel calm. I will pray and give it to God too. He will help.
  12. Even if I never get my professional development approved and I lose all that money, I am still okay. I’m still a good person. I am a beloved child of God. I can always talk to God about it. He’ll help me.
  13. I take myself to Tanglewood: When I do this, I look at a picture I have of Tanglewood and take myself there in my mind. If I’m not near my picture, I use my cross ring as an anchor to remind myself to go to Tanglewood in my mind. It helps me relax. I am at Tanglewood sitting on the lawn and the breeze is blowing my hair. The orchestra is beginning to play.

 

After I go through Process One, I proceed to Process Two — Make a Plan:

 

  1. I recheck my anxiety level. How am I feeling? I feel better, more relaxed.
  2. I breathe big and deep.
  3. What is the information? I am impatient about my professional development coming through and am stressed about losing money over it.
  4. What are my choices? I can stay stressed, or I can do whatever I can to resolve the situation and leave the rest in God’s hands.
  5. I hold the outcome in the Light of God, give thanks, and visualize what I want. Thank you God for helping me with my professional development approval process. If it is your will, I pray that I am able to go on my trip and that I will be at peace during the whole process.
  6. I take action in the direction of the choices I’ve made. If needed, I plan my additional steps. I am doing everything I can to resolve the situation with my professional development approval and give it to God to fix the rest.
  7. I affirm my choice and accept it. I am comfortable with my plan.
  8. I give it to God by either placing my problem in an imaginary goblet and offering it up to God with arms outstretched, or by getting on my hands and knees and giving it to him. Dear God, please take this issue off my plate. I place it in your capable, loving hands.
  9. I ask myself, Where could I put my mind that’s not on this?
  10. I go play my instruments, write a song, work on my book, or do some painting.
  11. I thank God.

Additional practices that help to me work through my impatience:

  • Music: I listen to Porcupine Tree’s Fear of a Blank Planet, The Matrix Reloaded soundtrack, or Linkin Park when I feel severe impatience coming on. It helps me relax.
  • Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to get rid of the negative energy that comes with impatience.
  • Scripture: Reading the bible every morning helps me to discern God’s will for me and helps to give me the strength to do His will. It helps me to remember that he is in charge and I’m not. I’m on his time table, he is not on mine.
  • Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy does it,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” “Let go and let God” and “Turn it over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
  • Take a break: Sometimes I need to just stop, sit, and breathe. This helps get rid of the anxiety and stress associated with being impatient. I need to keep practicing this. Sitting and doing nothing but breathing is a really good exercise in patience for me.
  • Let it go: I rid myself of anxiety and impatience every time I give my life to God. I let go, trust Him, and move on. I consider that it is as it’s supposed to be at this moment and I always feel better.

[1] Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous: The Big Book, 4th ed. New York, NY: Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. 2001, p. 417.

[2] Mays, Steve. Let Go and Let God: Casting Your Cares Upon the Lord. Gardena, CA: Light of the Word, 2009, p. 9.

[3] Ibid, pp. 6-7.

Being Wrong

Being Wrong

 

Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper,

But the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

~ Proverbs 28:13 (NIV)

 

 

I am much better at admitting I’m wrong than I used to be. I can admit I’m wrong and not get nearly as bunched up on the inside as I did before. Working my recovery program has really helped with this. Quite specifically, working Step 10 and the corresponding principle have worked immensely.

  1. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.[1]

 

 

Sometimes now when I’m in front of my students and they catch me making a mistake, I admit it and kind of shrug. I’m human. I’m not perfect. It’s okay to admit I’m wrong. It does not make me weak. It makes me human. Being able to admit I’m wrong reveals my humility and that’s a good thing. Thank you, God!

 

Now sometimes I’ll admit I’m wrong with someone and the situation will not work out the way that I wanted. A perfect example of this is the incident that occurred with my student Connie that I described in “Keeping My Eyes on Christ.” I went and confessed my sins to this girl, so to speak. I apologized and tried to make amends. What I wanted was for her to forgive me and come back to viola class again permanently as a student. That didn’t happen. There was no forgiveness there on her part, at least in a form expressed directly to me.

 

Now the old Juliet may have thought to herself, Why did I bother embarrassing myself in front of this student when nothing good came out of it? She still quit! She’s still mad at me. I failed. I’m wrong and have made a permanent error. This is the Juliet that gets caught up in “all or nothing” catastrophic thinking.

 

I would have practiced the following Juliet’s Codependency Patterns:

  • I am not conscious of my own moods. I am conscious of your moods.
  • Your moods and actions are my fault.[2]

 

I would have been engaged in the following Juliet’s Feelings Patterns:

  • They are right. I’m wrong.
  • I don’t deserve good things.
  • I am less than.
  • I am ashamed.
  • I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever.[3]

 

This does me no good.

 

My new teaching mantras fit perfectly here as a recovery tool:

  • Don’t take it personally: Her feelings and decisions are about her, not me. Her decision to quit has nothing to do with me.
  • Don’t react: I will just observe her behavior and the situation. I will not act until I’m sure if I should take any action and what that should be.
  • Stick to business and just teach music: Every child in this class is there to learn music and that’s what I need to teach them. Focus on the children that are here and the subject matter at hand, which is music.
  • Think before you speak: I will not say anything unless I’m sure it is the right thing to say.
  • This too shall pass: This situation will not last forever. I will move on and so will the student.
  • Let it go: I will give it to God and keep doing what I need to do. God has it handled.

 

First of all, the recovery Juliet feels better just knowing that she has done the right thing by practicing Step 10. I promptly admitted I was wrong with Connie. I cleaned my side of the street. It seems like it helped me more than it helped her. So what! That’s the point, isn’t it? This is my life, my program, my recovery.  Doing a Step 10 about this incident took the burden of guilt off my shoulders. The fact that she chose not to attend class with me anymore is her loss, not mine. I did the best I could. That’s recovery.

 

But sometimes pride keeps me from admitting when I’m wrong. When I was growing up, we were punished and love was taken away if we were anything less than perfect. In order to more easily admit I’m wrong, I have to admit, accept, and believe that it’s okay to make mistakes. Today I know it’s okay to make mistakes. God will not love me any less. Now it even easier for me to admit my mistakes in front of my students. I know it’s okay with God. It seems to be okay with my students too.

 

Admitting I’m wrong helps me to practice humility. There’s a God, it’s not me. Only God is perfect.

Positive Affirmations:

  • It’s okay for me to make mistakes every day.
  • I do the best I can in everything I do and that’s enough. I’m a good person.
  • I do the best I can to teach these children and that’s all I can do.
  • I do my best to teach and then I let go. I give it to God before and after.
  • It’s okay that I’m not perfect.
  • Today I’m God’s brand new creation.
  • Today everything God intends to accomplish in and through me shall be done.

 

It’s okay for me to be wrong. It’s okay for me to make mistakes. As I persevere in my quest to become closer to God and the person he wants me to be, I shed the shame I feel for this defect because I know that mistakes, trials, and suffering are part of the process. Recovery is a process, not a destination. It involves getting up, dusting myself off, and trying again. It’s worth it.

 

Additional practices that help me when I’m struggling with being wrong: 

  • The 12 Steps: Reading the 12 Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous every day out loud really helps me to get back in balance because it reminds me that God is in charge, not me. I don’t have to figure everything out and I don’t have to be perfect.
  • Attend meetings: Going to a CoDA meeting is one of the best ways for me to recover from a bout of the CoDA crazies when I’m beating myself up for being wrong about something. Sharing with others and learning from their shares really helps me to realize that I’m okay just the way I am, mistakes and all.
  • Submission: I put my face to the floor and give it all to God. This is about what He wants, not about what I want. He’s doing work in me and I have to do my part to listen and follow Him.
  • Worship: I pray to God. I walk into His healing arms. I tell Him what is bothering me and ask for help. I ask Him through prayer to take this cup of guilt and shame about being wrong from me. I listen to Him through meditation.
  • Constant God connection: I pray as much as I can throughout the day, listen for His guidance, and try to do His will as I think He has told me. Just knowing that I’m trying to do His will and follow Him helps me to feel better about myself. If I’m listening to and following God, there must be good in me.
  • Step work: I work the steps on whatever it is I think I’ve done wrong. This helps me separate myself from my behaviors, which is very, very helpful. I am not my behaviors.
  • Music: I listen to and/or play etudes, Handel’s Messiah, and Bach’s Sonatas and Partitas on my violin, or sing and play my own music on my guitar when I’m feeling bad about myself. Being able to play music helps me to forgive myself and let go.
  • Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to feel better about myself.
  • Gratitude list: Reading my gratitude list helps bring me back to a place where I realize how wonderful my life is, how much I have, and how much I’ve accomplished. This helps me to realize that I count and matter in this world.

 

 

 

 

 

[1] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous. Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 2009, p. iv.

[2] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.

[3] Ibid.

Center of the Universe Complex

Enlightened now, I look above

There’s His love, It’s perfect.

 After all it’s not about you

 

~ Expectations from Fearless Moral Inventory

by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2009, all rights reserved

 

 

I am really recovering well from my center of the universe complex. I am much quicker to catch myself and get out of that mode than when I first got into recovery.

 

The world does not revolve around me, my wishes, or my dreams. People are not always thinking about me. I am also not the cause of other people’s problems.

 

Here’s an example of this defect in action and how I quickly deflected its action inside myself. I recently spoke to a contractor about doing some concrete work in my new barn. He never got back to me with a price, so I chose someone else to do the work. So then one day he just showed up at my door, ready to start doing the work. I told him I had hired someone else. Well, the other day, I saw his truck for sale at the local convenience store. Oh gosh, I thought to myself, I’ve put him out of business. Now he has to sell his truck to survive. He has gone out of business, is going to starve, and it’s all my fault.

 

Stop! First of all, I don’t know for certain why he’s selling his truck. It could be for any number of reasons. Second, he never got back to me and business is business. So neither myself nor my job could have been foremost on his mind. Clearly he is not thinking about me. I am not the center of his world.

 

I also am now aware that just because a principal might have reprimanded me in some way, she may be reacting to something else that had happened to her earlier in the day and is just taking it out on me. The negative energy I experienced probably has nothing to do with me. She was also onto the next thing in her life as soon as she interacted with me. I am not the center of the universe.

 

Here’s another example. Last week a student came into class and seemed to be very angry and frustrated that she had to be there. The old Juliet would be thinking to herself, Wow, this kid hates me, and I’m ruining her life by making her be here. I have to make her like me. I have to control her and make her do things my way.

 

Then I would have jumped headlong into my codependency patterns:

 

I’m not conscious of my own moods. I am conscious of your moods.

  • If you’re happy, I’m happy.
  • Your moods and actions are my fault.
  • If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.
  • If you like me, I like me.
  • If you think I’m good, I think I’m good.[1]

 

Then I would have jumped headlong into a power struggle with this girl to get her to do what I wanted her to do and win her over.
I didn’t do that this time. I immediately got into the observer and just watched her behavior. What’s going on with this girl today? I wondered.

 

During the course of the class, it became clear that she was not going to follow directions or do as she was asked. The new in-recovery Juliet let it go. I went on with my class, focused on the other students, and did my job. I knew in my heart that I was not at the center of whatever was going on with this kid. It was her issue. I was doing what I was supposed to do.

 

I was a little flustered during and right after the incident with the student, at least on the inside. My heart was pounding the whole time, indicating that my inner child did not feel safe. She felt attacked. Still, I held it together, didn’t take it personally, and kept going. I didn’t get resentful at her or lay blame. That is huge progress for me. That’s recovery.

How did I do it? I plugged in my new mantras that I use when teaching:

  • Don’t take it personally. This girl is going through something today and it has nothing to do with me. She was upset when she walked in.
  • Don’t react: Observe her behavior but don’t react. Relax, breathe, wait, and watch.
  • Stick to business and just teach music: Remember, she’s not the only student in the room. Every student here deserves my equal attention. My job is to teach them music to the best of my ability. That’s why I’m here.
  • Think before you speak: I’ll take a breath and wait before I speak. Do I really want to say that?
  • This too shall pass: This situation and the anxiety it produces inside me will not last forever. I can handle it.
  • Let it go: Give the class, the students, and the situation over to God.

 

Besides, I’m not the center of the universe anyway. God is the center of my universe. He’s the one that it is all about. He’s the one to whom I need to be giving my attention. Everything that I do needs to be done to glorify him, not myself. What a great place it is to be in to not be the center of the universe. What freedom! What joy!

 

Whenever I feel like my center of the universe complex is coming back, I can plug into any of my mantras, including:

  • It’s not about you.
  • You are not the center of the universe.
  • Business is business.
  • Relax and breathe.
  • Where could I put my mind that’s not on this?
  • Treat it like the front page of the newspaper.

 

 

 

 

Working the principles to overcome a center of the universe complex:

 

I think one of the biggest things that has helped me overcome all of my defects, but especially my center of the universe complex, is working the spiritual principles and their corresponding steps.

 

Honesty: I become honest with myself and admit that I’m powerless over whatever the situation is, or even over my center of the universe complex.

Faith: I have faith that God is there, that he is all powerful, and that he cares for me.

Surrender: I give my life, my will, the situation, and my center of the universe complex over to Him.

Soul searching: I do an inventory of how I’m feeling, what I’ve done in the situation and why.

Integrity: I tell God and my sponsor how I’m feeling, what I’ve done and why.

Acceptance: I accept myself, what I’ve done, and my center of the universe complex as it is. Just accepting that I have it is such a huge relief. Suddenly the pressure is off. I just feel better about myself, my world, and my place in it. It’s okay. I’m dealing with what is. This is me.

Humility: This is the principle that helps the most with my center of the universe complex. There is a God, it is not me. I’m not in charge. It’s not my show, it’s His to run, as my song goes (from Something to Believe In). Then I humbly ask God to take away my center of the universe complex if and when He is ready. And He is doing it.

Willingness: I am willing to admit that I’ve made mistakes, hurt people, and make plans to make amends, even if those amends are a change in my behavior. That counts as an amends.

Forgiveness: Then I forgive myself and others for everything that has occurred in the situation at hand. I forgive myself for whatever actions my center of the universe complex has had on others. I forgive them for whatever it is I think they’ve done to me.

Perseverance: I keep working my program, working on myself, and do a daily inventory of my behaviors during the day. When I am wrong, I admit it. This still is not easy for me, but I do it.

Making contact (spirituality): Worship through prayer, meditation, bible study, and a constant contact with God all help me get rid of my center of the universe complex because I’ve placed God at the center of my life.
Service: Nothing like service work to remind me that it’s not all about me. It’s all about God and what he wants. It’s about reaching out to others in need and sharing my recovery. That’s me getting out of my own way, for sure.

Simplicity: I keep my life simple, with God at the center of my world. I live my life with a clarity of purpose focused on God and what he wants, not what I want.

 

The principles are vital to my recovery from my center of the universe complex. I will continue to work them and apply them to my life. Thanks be to God, I am grateful.

 

[1] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.

Concert Confusion

Concert Confusion

Wait to be hired

Wait to be fired

Wait for a voice

Wait for a choice

 

Wait to work

Wait to rest

Wait to try and

do your best

 

~ Waiting Part Three by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2010, all rights reserved

 

Very recently, I received two somewhat, in my opinion, reprimanding emails from one of my principals regarding who was to be in the audience of one of my school orchestra concerts. What happened was that I had booked a concert on the same morning as the school field day for certain grade levels. (Field day involves lots of outside activities for students and lots of parent volunteers are involved also.) I booked this concert with this principal’s knowledge, but I sense there was a misunderstanding about what grade levels I needed for my orchestra concert. I don’t think she remembered that I teach third grade. I was going to remind her of this fact but was afraid of offending her, so I just kept quiet. Initially, when we first picked the date, we scheduled the concert for first thing in the morning. Fast forward a week and I get the first email that reprimanded me for not checking the schedule when booking a calendar and why didn’t I know that field day was that day, blah, blah, blah. I informed her that I did check the schedule and reminded her that we decided together that I would do the concert first thing in the morning and that way it wouldn’t conflict with the field day.

So we agreed to keep the same schedule. My third grade students would come and perform first thing and then leave right away to go do the field day outside. Fine. The principal asked me to arrange this with the teachers. So I did that. The teachers then decided that they would like to have their third graders who are not in orchestra come to see the concert and see their peers perform. They decided that they would all sit in the back and leave as soon as the third grade orchestra members were done performing. That was completely agreeable to me. I mean, we were only talking about 5 minutes of performing, and I know my students would like to perform for their peers. I arranged this with the teachers and everyone was happy. I sent an email to the teachers, the custodian, the band teacher, and the principal confirming the plan so that everyone involved would know what was going on.

Then I received the second reprimanding email from the principal, which simply stated that I had misunderstood what was going on and that only my students who were going to perform would be there and no third grade students would be watching. She hoped I now understood what was happening. There was no formal greeting or sign off, no thank you or anything. Just a basic “you don’t get it.” I was upset by this email. I felt bad about myself too, like I had goofed up.

Here’s an example of how I use my Process One to get myself out of this low self-esteem attack:

  1. I consciously breathe in and out slowly. Breathing with awareness brings me back to the present moment. It gives me an automatic time-out.
  2. I become aware of what I’m doing.
  3. I ask myself, What’s going on in my body, feelings, and brain? I’m feeling bad about myself because I didn’t speak up in the first place reminding her of what grades I teach. Then I tried to follow the wishes of everyone involved and she sent me a reprimanding email saying I don’t get what’s going on.
  4. If possible, I write down the information and journal about how I’m feeling. Now I feel sad, stupid, worthless, unappreciated, unimportant, defective, wrong, shamed, and I’m obsessed about all of it.
  5. I pray for the willingness to accept the situation and information as it is. God help me to be willing to accept the events as they occurred, the concert situation as it is, and myself as I am in this moment.
  6. I pray for acceptance of the situation. God help me to accept the emails from my principal, the concert plan as it is, and myself as I am in this moment.
  7. I admit powerlessness over said problem. I am powerless to change the details of the concert, my boss’s wishes, her email, her opinion of me or my program, or the past events and how they occurred.
  8. Then I become willing to feel my feelings. I feel sad, stupid, worthless, unappreciated, unimportant, defective, and it hurts.
  9. I pray for God to help me with the pain I feel inside. God, please help me move through this pain and come to a place of serenity. I know you appreciate me, so I should appreciate myself. I know I don’t get my self-worth from my job or what others think of me. I have worth because I exist.
  10. I put a note in my God Box about it. God, I give you my concert, email, and principal situation at this school to the highest good of all involved.
  11. Where can I put my mind that is not on this? I go do something else.
  12. The something else lately has been me playing music on my violin, viola, cello, and guitar when I feel despair coming on or am in the middle of the CoDA crazies. Playing music gets me relaxed, calm, breathing, and balanced. I go play music on my instruments, do step work, write, or get to a meeting.
  13. I have to remember that God doesn’t make junk. I am a beloved child of God just the way I am. I don’t have to do anything to be okay. I am okay just because I’m me. I must never forget that. I am a worthwhile person just because I exist. I repeat this to myself a few times.
  14. From now on, I will go play music, go do step work, work on my book, or walk in Hopkins Forest when I feel a low self-esteem attack coming on. I will pray and give it to God too. He will help.
  15. Even if I don’t ask for clarity in understanding first, perfectly obey my principal’s wishes, and make mistakes, or get told to do things differently, I am still okay. I’m still a worthwhile person, worthy of the love of God. I can always talk to God about it. He’ll help me.
  16. I take myself to Tanglewood by looking at a picture I have of Tanglewood. If I’m not near my picture, I use my cross ring as an anchor to remind myself to take myself to Tanglewood in my mind. It helps me relax and breathe.

 

 

After I go through Process One, I proceed to Process Two — Make a Plan:

 

  1. I recheck my anxiety level. How am I feeling? I feel more relaxed and positive about myself. I feel like everything is going to be okay.
  2. I breathe big and deep.
  3. What’s the information? My principal sent me two reprimanding emails and I’m blaming myself for not speaking up when I should have and feel lousy about myself.
  4. What are my choices? I can keep beating myself up about it, replaying it in my mind, and thus living in the past, or I can accept what happened, turn it over to God, let it go, and move on.
  5. I hold the outcome in the Light of God, give thanks, and visualize what I want.
  6. I take action in the direction of the choices I’ve made. If needed, I plan my additional steps. I will accept what happened and stop beating myself up. I will do step work around the incident and will read it to my sponsor. I will then go play music.
  7. I affirm my choices and accept them. I accept my plan and am comfortable with it.
  8. I give it all to God by either placing my problem in an imaginary goblet and offering it up to God with arms outstretched, or by getting on my hands and knees and giving it to him. Dear God, I give you my principal at this school, her opinion of me, and my future there to the highest good of all involved.
  9. I ask myself, Where could I put my mind that’s not on this? I go play Bach and etudes on my violin and play my own music on my guitar. I once again rediscover why God has me on this earth – to play music.

Positive Affirmations: I am a worthwhile person just because I exist.

  • I love myself unconditionally.
  • I am a child of God.
  • I don’t have to do anything to be okay.
  • God doesn’t make junk. I am perfect just the way I am.

Additional practices that help me work through my low self-esteem. Submission: I get down on my knees in the morning, give my life and my day to God, and ask that His will be done. I say The Lord’s Prayer, The Serenity Prayer, and My 11th Step Prayer. This helps to remind me that God loves me and is there for me.

  • Worship: I pray to God. I walk into His healing arms. I tell him what is bothering me and ask for help. I ask him through prayer to help me feel better about myself. I listen to him through meditation.
  • Constant God connection: I pray as much as I can throughout the day, listen for His guidance, and try to do His will as I think He has told me. Just knowing that I’m trying to do His will and follow Him helps me to feel better about myself. If I’m listening to and following God, there must be good in me.
  • Step work: I work the steps on whatever situation is triggering my low self-esteem. Doing a 4th Step inventory of my positive character traits also helps. An example of this can be found in the “Positive Character Traits” part of this book.
  • Program literature: Reading the 12 Promises, 12 Steps, and 12 Traditions of Co-Dependents Anonymous really helps me to rediscover my sense of worth by getting me back on track with program and putting God in the driver’s seat. Reading the CoDA basic text and the stories within its pages reminds me that I am worthwhile just because I exist and that I’m not terminally unique.
  • Music: I listen to and/or play etudes, Handel’s Messiah, and Bach’s Sonatas and Partitas on my violin, or sing and play my own music on my guitar when I’m feeling bad about myself. Being able to play music raises my self-confidence.
  • Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, taking a spin class, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to feel better about myself.
  • Attend meetings: Going to a CoDA meeting is one of the best ways for me to work through the tough times when I’m suffering from low self-esteem. I learn a lot from what others share and just being with them makes me feel less defective.
  • Gratitude list: Reading my gratitude list helps bring me back to a place where I realize how wonderful my life is, how much I have, and how much I’ve accomplished. This helps me to realize that I count and matter in this world.
  • Documentation: I record my thoughts and revelations about the situation that is causing my low self-esteem. Then I listen to the tape and write the contents into my computer. Working the matter out in this way really helps me to become settled on the matter.
  • Give it to God: I place the person and situation that is triggering my low self-esteem into a beautiful, imaginary goblet and offer it up to God. Then I put a note in my God Box about it. This helps me let go and move on.
  • Service work: I always feel better after doing service work. I know I’ve done something good by giving back and helping other people.