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And what is she? What is she?

She is hopeless

A loser

Out of her mind.

~ Beloved by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2005, all rights reserved

I still struggle with the defect of low self-esteem. The good news is that I’m slowly ridding myself of this defect. I feel much better about myself today than I did in the past. I’m beginning to see my worth as a person. I’m a worthwhile, lovable person just because I am a child of God. I can love myself just because of that.

Sometimes, however, I still get down on myself and tie my self-worth to what I accomplish in a day, how hard I work, how well my books sell, how many students I have, what other people think of me, and how I look.

What really affects me is what my students and their parents think of me. Making mistakes with, disappointing, or losing students is very, very hard on my self-esteem. I beat myself up endlessly when such incidents occur and really have to work my program to recover.

Process Four really helps me to stay centered and balanced in the classroom.

Let’s revisit Process Four:

• Don’t take it personally.
• Don’t react.
• Stick to business and just teach music.
• Think before you speak.
• This too shall pass.
• Let it go.

• Don’t take it personally: I learned this from my therapist. Anything that anyone says to me is about them, even if it sounds like it’s about me. This helps me realize that I didn’t do anything intentionally wrong to hurt someone. They’re telling me about them.

• Don’t react: I live in a world of reactors. I have been guilty of this myself. I get input from someone and blurt out whatever I’m feeling at the moment. The right thing for me to do is to stop, consider the situation, and say nothing, until I’m sure about what they said, what happened, and how I feel about it. This also helps me to keep my self-esteem up because it prevents me from saying and doing things that I’ll regret later.

• Stick to business and just teach music: So after I have restrained myself from reacting to whatever a person said or did, I just stick to business and teach music. That is why I’m there. Juliet needs to do her job. That also helps build my self-esteem because I’m doing what I’m supposed to do.

• Think before you speak: I need to think before I speak. This is related to don’t react, but it is helpful for me to have it as a separate step to remind myself to do it. What I say matters in the classroom and there are lots of little ears engaged. I need to be careful to say what God wants me to say, not what I want to say. Being in a constant state of prayer helps me to think before I speak.

• This too shall pass: I have placed this slogan here because sometimes things are said and done in the classroom and on email by parents that are very hurtful to me. I have to remind myself that the moment and the hurt will not last forever. God will get me through it.

• Let it go: This slogan is here because after I have experienced whatever hurtful verbal or email comment or criticism that occurred, and have reminded myself that this too shall pass, then it’s time for me to let it go. I put it in my imaginary beautiful goblet and offer it up to God. Then I move on.

I say these steps as mantras to myself whenever I need to during my workday or any other time. They help me get my center back and help me focus on God.

Another activity I engage in that helps me to stay centered on God is reading scripture at lunchtime. I have scripture written on index cards in a bag in my purse. I read scripture during my lunch break while I eat. This really helps me recover from whatever may have just gone on in the classroom by getting my focus back on God. Knowing that I have a loving, merciful God who cares about me and is sovereign over my life improves my self-esteem. I know I’m not charge, I don’t have to control or fix it, and I’m worthwhile because God loves me. 

Deep down I am truly beginning to realize that I have worth as a person just because I exist. We all do. We all have worth. We are all worthy of God’s love, regardless of who we are or what we have or haven’t done. We are all equal in the eyes of God.

I used to get my self-worth from the promise of a successful music career. I’ll be a worthy person when I achieve success in music. As I look under the carpet of my past, I find my dream of commercial musical success trampled and crumpled like a dirty gum wrapper that flew out of my pocket, landed on the ground, and was never thrown away. I wanted that musical success for a very long time. Now I know that probably isn’t going to happen for me, at least not the way that I thought I wanted it. This self-pronounced failure gave me low self-esteem for a long time. I’ve failed. I didn’t get there. I didn’t make it. I don’t matter.

Thanks to recovery I now have a different outlook on the music I make in my life. Now I’m writing and playing my music to heal myself. I share it with others in case it might help them to heal. That is the God in me speaking to the God in them. I like that. Thank you, God. Under the carpet near the gum wrapper, there is the old Juliet who got her self-worth from her musical success. So when she failed, she wasn’t worth anything as a person. We can throw that self-image in the recycle bin and fix it right up. Juliet is a beloved child of God just because she is herself.

Next to that crumpled gum wrapper from under the carpet that represents my tortured music career are small pieces of a muffin that dropped while I was eating breakfast and changing violin strings at the same time. These pieces of muffin represent the Juliet who used to get her self-worth from the men in her love-life. Let’s throw that in the garbage too.

I used to think I was only worthy if a man loved me at that moment. For most of my adult life, that was Alex. So when our marriage failed, I thought I had no worth. The soul searching and step work I have done on that relationship has helped me heal from the related pain and relieved me of those misconceptions. I am grateful to God for this healing and learning. Thank you, God.

I definitely take some of my self-worth from what I look like. When I was younger, my relying on this source of worth was worse. I was supposed to look great all the time when I was young. Above all, I was supposed to be thin. This was fueled by my parents’ expectations and, later, a career in Hollywood. I still take some of my self-worth from what I look like, but it’s not nearly as severe as it used to be. Moving out of Hollywood and back to Vermont really helped me with this. I know that I’m a good person underneath it all and that won’t change with 5 pounds of fat, 5 pounds of makeup or a lack thereof. I’m a perfect child of God just the way I am. Despite aging, I really like how I look. That’s a huge step forward for me. That’s recovery.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other,

just as in Christ God forgave you.

~ Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

But with you there is forgiveness,

so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

~ Psalm 130:4 (NIV)

Forgiveness has really been on my mind lately. It has been on my mind in relation to myself. It is a vital, fundamental spiritual principle. Without it, I cannot lead a healthy spirit-filled life. I must be able to forgive others and myself. Otherwise, my grudges will turn me into a dark, gnarled mess. Forgiveness comes directly out of my step work.

To me, forgiveness means that I am releasing the anger, resentment, and blame that I feel towards someone or myself for a wrong that has been done against me. I let it all go and move forward.

The principle of forgiveness is related to Step 9:

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.^[1]

The Lord’s Prayer asks the Lord to forgive us the way we forgive others:

 And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.

Saying I’m sorry is one of the easiest, yet hardest things for me to do. It’s easy in that I have the defect of over-responsibility and think everything is my fault, so of course I have to say I’m sorry for everything I’ve done wrong, which is everything. I say I’m sorry a lot. I always have. What makes saying I’m sorry difficult is the fear of abandonment and rejection that comes with saying I’m sorry and making amends with someone.

Since I’ve been in program, I have learned that part of making amends is changing one’s behavior. Part of that change, for me, is coming face-to-face with what I’ve done and the person I’ve done it to, saying I’m sorry, and making an effort to change.

Based on what the Lord’s Prayer says, if I don’t forgive others, then God shouldn’t forgive me. Not good. I want forgiveness. So I have to give forgiveness if I want to receive it in return.

How do I know if I’ve forgiven someone? Well, if I’m still crabbing about something someone has done to me, that probably means I’m still ticked off about it. That means I’m probably harboring resentments about whatever it is I think they did to me. In my mind, it means I haven’t truly forgiven them.

So this means that if God forgives me the way I’ve forgiven that parent Jenny for hurting my feelings at a concert recently, then He hasn’t forgiven me. I obviously haven’t forgiven the parent because I’m still complaining about their behavior and thinking negative thoughts about it. I’m harboring a grudge.

I have done extensive step work in regards to my mother and father. I have looked at these relationships through the lenses of relationship inventories, defects of character inventories, and codependency patterns. This step work has helped me to heal these relationships, even though my parents have both passed on. Completing my Step 9 and making amends with my parents further helped me heal these relationships. Although my father made his transition in 2003, I feel I was able to make amends and heal this relationship through step work, prayer, meditation, journaling, and therapy after he died. I did a Step 9 with my mother before she passed away and much healing was accomplished as a result.

This step work has enabled me to forgive my parents for all of the unhealthy behaviors and lack of nurturing in my life. My hard work has enabled me to let go of the anger and resentment that I once felt toward them. They did the best they could. Their lives were turned upside down by many incidents, including disbarment, addiction, miscarriages, and infidelity. As a child, I was caught up in that and wasn’t in the position to stick up for myself or correct anything.

Resentment is a dangerous feeling that weights you down with darkness that can be life-long and harmful. I carried a bag of bricks of resentment for a long time. Thank heavens, I got into recovery and learned I could put that bag of bricks down. My childhood was filled with fear, doubt, pain, self-blame, shame, loneliness, and a terrible lack of a strong spiritual foundation. I was taught to look without for all of my approval, self-worth, love, and acceptance. Since I didn’t get that at home, I looked to my peers at school, boys, food, academic success, physical beauty, and success in extracurricular activities — such as music and horse showing. Nothing filled that empty space inside.

My mother tried to fill the empty space inside with alcohol. Dad filled it with power, control, and other women. I chose food. It didn’t work for any of us.

I grant pardon to my mother for drinking and sometimes not being a good mom. She was hurting and did the best she could.

I grant pardon to my father for yelling at me about how fat I was in that restaurant (covered in the first book). He was in pain too and was taking it out on me. He was shattered by the loss of his career. 

I forgive Brad (a man I dated who I discuss in the first book) for being controlling, manipulative, and self-serving. I know everything that happened between us happened for a reason and for our highest good. My relationship with him was one of the primary relationships in my life that brought me to CoDA and for that I am grateful.

I forgive Alex (my ex-husband; covered in first book) for having a change of heart and wanting out of our marriage. Our relationship has gone through a lot of healing and amends since I wrote my last book. I am very, very grateful to God for this. My friendship with Alex has grown a lot since we made amends and I very happy about that.

I absolve Betty (a friend) for not emailing me back six years ago when I sent her that beautiful email in which I poured out my heart to her. I accept that she was at a place where she felt her boundaries needed to be established a little farther out than I would have liked.

Forgiveness requires letting go. It requires that I let go of what I want. It requires that I accept where the person is at and stop trying to change that. It also obliges me to take care of myself.

When I need to forgive someone for something, the background is that I probably have not gotten something from him or her that I felt I wanted or deserved. It could also mean that I feel that I got treated poorly when I didn’t deserve that.

Sometimes this treatment is not on purpose. Often the person does not even realize they are doing it. And besides that, it’s not being done to me. Much of the time, the person is just reaching out or expressing themselves, trying to rid themselves of stress, extreme sadness, panic, or despair. When this happens to me, nine times out of ten, the timing doesn’t work for me. So then I get mad at them like they are doing something bad to me. Then I try to forgive them. But they didn’t do anything. For instance, I’m the one who answered the phone late at night and let the person’s sadness get all over me.

What happens is that I take on the other person’s feelings. I feel what they feel and want to fix them. This is my over-responsibility and caretaking. This is how I harm myself. In cases like this, I need to disengage, detach, give the person back their problems, and go take care of myself. This happened a lot with my sister Alice during my brother-in-law’s illness. This behavior pattern caused me a lot of distress. I do this kind of thing to myself; I am aware of this. I need to forgive myself for being a caretaker, and start detaching and taking care of myself.

Sometimes, as was the case with Brad, I was manipulated, which caused a lot of confusion, suffering, self-blame, and shame. The manipulation in that relationship also led me to engage in behaviors that I felt shame about, that I was not comfortable with. Why did I do this? I’m a people pleaser. I get my self-worth from what others think of me.

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns:

• I shower you with favors and pleasures to make you stay.
• My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
• I shove my morals under the carpet to be with you.^[2]

Of all the people I need to forgive, the one I need to forgive the most is myself. I am very hard on myself. I have a difficult time releasing the anger, resentment, and blame that I feel towards myself for something I have done wrong. I turn all of that blame, anger, and resentment inward. It does not feel good and it doesn’t serve me. If I can’t forgive myself, how I can I forgive others? I can’t. It has to start with me. I need to change this behavior and learn to forgive myself. I need to do a Step 9 on myself.

For example, I really have to work on canceling the debts I feel I owe myself for not getting enough done each day. I have traditionally beat myself up mercilessly for not accomplishing huge amounts of work on my book, not practicing my music, not writing blogs, and not doing book promotion. Thank goodness (because of the work I do with my step work and in program), I am starting to realize that there are only so many hours in a day. I can get only so much done in a 24-hour period. And you know what? There’s always tomorrow. Even if I think the world is going to end if I don’t accomplish everything on my three page “to do” list, it’s not true. Life will go on. It will be okay.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Treat it like the front page of the newspaper.
• Remember your bubble. My therapist told me to imagine a protective bubble around myself so that when hurtful things happen, I am not affected. The bad stuff only hits the outside of the bubble.
• You are only in control of where you put your attention.
• I’m not in charge here.
• It’s not my fault.
• Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

I have Positive Affirmations that help me with my forgiveness:

• Today I forgive myself and others.
• I forgive myself for not being perfect.
• It’s okay for me to make mistakes every day.
• It’s okay for my child and me to be who we are, ourselves. We are loveable.
• I will listen to the truth, which is that I am a good person.
• I do the best I can in everything I do and that’s enough. I am a good person.
• It’s okay that I’m not perfect.
• Today I am God’s brand new creation.
• Today everything God intends to accomplish in and through me shall be done.

The steps I take to practice forgiveness:

• More journaling: I journal as much as necessary to rid myself of resentment, anger, blame, and guilt.
• Worship: I talk to God about my resentment, anger, blame, and guilt through prayer. I ask God to fill the empty space inside me and to give me what I thought I needed from the other person. Then I listen through meditation to what God has to say by sitting in silent worship and waiting upon him. This helps me move to a place of forgiveness.
• Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to get rid of the anger, blame, and resentment inside, which brings me closer to the forgiveness of myself and others.

• Constant God connection: I pray as much as I can throughout the day. This includes morning and evening prayers on my knees, silent prayers, and listening for His direction throughout my day. Sometimes He speaks to me through other people at Quaker Meeting, at my CoDA group, through a radio sermon, in a book, during a bible study, or through people I see during my day.
• Scripture: Reading the bible every morning helps me to remember that God is in charge of my life; He must come first and is giving me guidance on what to do. His word has a lot to say about forgiveness and I find it very helpful.
• Willingness: I pray for the willingness to forgive the person and myself. 
• Read the daily list: I read my list of defects of character to God every morning and humbly ask Him to remove them if and when He is ready. I forgive myself for having these defects.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “There is a God, it is not me,” “I can’t, God can, I think I’ll let Him,” “Willingness is key,” “This too shall pass,” and “Just for today.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Let it go: I realize that things happen. I don’t have control over what goes on. I’m doing the best I can.

When I practice the spiritual principle of forgiveness, I feel the blessed ease of spirit that comes from forgiving myself and others. I thank God for helping me to be able to forgive myself, which opens the door to forgiving others.

The way that you deal with forgiveness and any of the principles is by dealing with your feelings. Get them out of you. Look at your feelings and accept them. Come to a place where you are all right.

Thank you, God, for this learning.

---

^[1] Ibid.

^[2] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.

No More Plastic World 

No more plastic world

No more cement walls

No more fake chest

Eyelashes or makeup

Only purity

Leaves crunching under my feet

Rocks, dirt, twigs

Spirit is here

God is here

He loves me

Sincere

No more pretending to be okay

No more lies about how I feel

Just me my kid and God

Just me my kid and God

No more plastic me

No more inner walls

Dear God I give you my life

They wanted me to be 

A perfect entity 

I tried 

To fit into their mold.

Who in the world are you

Looking back at me

I’m wearing their charms

And you’ve hid your face from me

I am lost

They’ve banished me.

Their hearts are cold

It’s plain to see

Take off their charms

Give back the key

This is not your destiny.

I didn’t even know her then

The child locked within

Buried but game

For making herself known

A volcano

Almost blown. 

Letting go 

Of all I wanted 

For God

Took my dream away.

Eliminating 

My false prophets

Now He’s in the lead to stay. 

Driving lost for hours

With the rest of the herd

Heavy eyes, fading out

Then I feel a crash

Shame and angry words

Another mess made in a flash

Guess what I’ve failed again.

I have exposed my sin.

I’m not good enough

To fit his mold 

This is the end

His heart is cold. 

But me and my kid and God

Me and my kid and God

No more plastic world 

Just dirt crunching

Under my feet

relax

Let go

Just breathe. 

(No More Plastic World, by Juliet A. Wright, 

copyright 2019, all rights reserved) 

I wrote “No More Plastic World” largely while walking at Tanglewood. It is one of my favorite places. It is a place where I can go to breathe, relax and be close to nature and music at the same time. 

This song is about my trials in materialistic, traffic-ridden Los Angeles and its skin-deep inhabitants.  In this song my inner child and I choose the simple life, comfortable with just being ourselves. 

I moved to Los Angeles to make it in the music business. When I arrived there, I quickly learned that looks were everything in this town. It was virtually all that mattered. Since I didn’t look that great at the time, this was a problem. I quickly began dying my hair, caking on the make up, where padded bras and skimpy clothes, everything that my band leaders indicated was required for us to draw in customers, get them to buy booze, buy albums, pick up people, whatever. 

They wanted me to be 

A perfect entity 

I tried 

To fit into their mold.

Who in the world are you

Looking back at me

I’m wearing their charms

And you’ve hid your face from me

I am lost

They’ve banished me.

Their hearts are cold

It’s plain to see

Take off their charms

Give back the key

This is not your destiny.

And I never said how I felt. That was banned in my family and banned in LA too. You just pretended to be okay. I tried to fit into their mold, look like they wanted me to look. But it didn’t work and didn’t fit me. And even after  years and years of trying, when I started to look like I thought they wanted me to look, it didn’t make any difference anyway. I was still in the same place I was when I started. 

Meanwhile, my inner child was being squashed by all of this. She was getting sick and tired of it too. Everyone once in a while she would explode in a volcanic rage as if to say “Stop ignoring me.”

And what did I want out of life? Or what did I think I wanted? Love, fame, fortune. I wanted people to love me so I could love myself. I was looking outside of myself for love, satisfaction, approval. Typical co-dependent. So God said, “No more.” 

“Letting go, of all I wanted.

For God took my dreams away.
Eliminating my false prophets.
Now He’s in the lead to stay.”

The focus of my life needs to be on God and what he wants for my life. It’s about what he wants, not what I want. 

The last verse is about a car accident I had on the 405 Freeway. It was the second Saturday in December, one of the biggest party nights of the year. I was on my way to a gig. Coffee in hand, I still managed to fall asleep at the wheel and plow into an old Dodge. Thankfully, the old Dodge and his driver had virtually no damage and he was fine. My new Toyota truck wasn’t so lucky. I felt horrible about it, falling completely into shame. My spouse was not sympathetic at all at the time. I was bad. I was wrong. That is how my inner child and I felt. 

Another mess made in a flash

Guess what I’ve failed again.

I have exposed my sin.

I’m not good enough

To fit his mold 

This is the end

His heart is cold. 

But now, my focus is on God, my Lord by my side and in my heart. My inner child is no longer being ignored and if I forget, she lets me know it. God had to take away my false idols of looks, fame, fortune, a marriage I worshipped, a town I lived in to which I did not belong. 

I thought it was fitting to do this video today as I am recovering from an allergy to eye make up and can’t wear any make up at all for two weeks. If I put my money where my mouth is, I am comfortable about this. I can’t totally say that I feel very vulnerable right now. But here I am. This is me. 

Please check out my website, www.hiddenangel.net where you can purchase my books, Everything is My Fault, Everything is for My Recovery, and my CD’s, Beloved, Fearless Moral Inventory, and my latest CD, which contains this song, No More Plastic World, Acoustic Songs of Recovery and Worship.

IT REALLY IS TRUE

My jaw dropped as I read the list.  I saw myself in every entry.  I had tears rolling down my face.  I felt my stomach tighten.  It really was all my fault.  I was really sick.  Brad was right.  I was responsible for everything that had gone wrong between us.  Everything everywhere was my fault.  How would I ever recover?

Here is the list I read (presented with further refinements to my own patterns):

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns[1]

I am not conscious of my own moods, I am conscious of your moods.

If you’re happy, I’m happy.

Your moods and actions are my fault.

If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.

It’s difficult for me to recognize my moods or articulate them.

I am inclined to diminish, change, or refute my moods.

If you like me, I like me.

If you think I’m good, I think I’m good.

I ignore and ditch all my other friends as you are the center of my world.

I don’t know what I need, I focus on what you need.

I like to do whatever you like to do. What I like to do isn’t important.

Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong. 

I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.

I shower you with favors and pleasures to make you stay.

My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.

I shove my morals under the carpet to be with you.

Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll do or be whatever you say.

Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll feel however you want me to feel.

I think I have to be perfect and so do you.  Nothing less will do.

I am less than.

The recovery facility that was treating Mom for alcoholism had a family weekend that all family of origin members were encouraged to attend. They sent preparatory materials for me to look over before my arrival.  In the packet was information about Codependency, including the patterns list. 

I read the list sitting in my car in the parking lot of the Hollywood Presbyterian Church waiting for a music teachers meeting to start. I cried when I realized I was reading about myself.  This was me!  Every single trait on the sheet described how I relate to people.  Wow! There was so much wrong with me. 

How I felt about myself in almost every relationship and situation could be summed up by the following list:

Juliet’s Feelings

This is all my fault, I did something wrong.

They are right, I am wrong.

They are going to abandon me.

They are going to reject me.

I don’t deserve good things.

I am less than.

I am ashamed.

I’m bad and now everyone knows it.  I’ll be alone forever.

Different from everyone

I am only worth what I accomplish.

I’m not good enough to be here.

This is my story. 

I am writing down this story in an effort to understand my history.  I need to know and understand where I’ve been so that I can figure out where I am and where I’m going. 

I have decided to look at my codependency as it manifests itself in my relationships with my family of origin, school friends and acquaintances, close friends, romantic partners and within social situations.   Names have been changed to protect the anonymity of those involved.

I began to write this book in an effort to get all of my recovery and therapy notes in one place so I could refer to it when it’s needed.  Therefore, in addition to the relationship material discussed above, this document also includes information about my defects of character as well as my program of recovery. 

All of the techniques, exercises, processes and literature contained herein are all part of my program that is helping me heal.  My hope is that others reading this will gain insights from it about their own recovery. 
 

My name is Juliet and I am [a] codependent.

WHAT IS CODEPENDENCY?

Codependency has been referred to as relationship addiction. A codependent person becomes addicted to controlling another person. 

To put it another way, an alcoholic admits powerlessness over alcohol, whereas a codependent admits powerlessness over other people. 

Melody Beattie, author of many books on the subject, including Codependent No More, The New Codependency, The Language of Letting Go, and The Codependents’ Guide to the Twelve Steps, defines codependency this way:

A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.

Codependency is when I take caretaking and controlling behaviors too far.  It is when I become obsessed about controlling and/or manipulating another person to the point that I forget about myself.

WHAT’S A FEARLESS MORAL INVENTORY

What do I mean by inventory?  Just as a store manager takes inventory to find out what they have in stock and what they need to order, I am taking a sincere look at my positive and negative behaviors and belief systems (also defined as defects of character) as they have manifested themselves in my life. 

There are many ways to do an inventory. For example, one can do an inventory based on different time periods of their life.  Examinations of significant events, habits, convictions or relationships are also options. 

This book has two types of inventories in it.  The first one is a relationships inventory.  I have examined my conduct to view how it has affected the relationships with my family of origin, school associations, friendships, romances and work contacts. I changed the names of everybody to respect their anonymity. The second inventory is an assessment of my defects of character.  In this section of the book I take a look at my defects of character and how they have affected my life.

These are merely examples of how to do a relationships and defects inventories. They are not right or wrong; they are just what I did.  I hope that reader will be able to use them as models for doing their own inventories.  

Codependency In My Family of Origin

My codependency began in my family of origin, which was dysfunctional.  The Codependents Anonymous welcome states that “many of us were raised in families where addictions existed…,”[4] and I was no exception.  My mother was an alcoholic.  My codependent behaviors developed as a survival response to this disease that the family contracted.

I continuously practiced Juliet’s Codependency Patterns and Juliet’s Feelings List, as they appear in “It Really Is True,” with all of my family members. 

Above all, I felt like I was responsible for everything that went on in the family.  Everything that happened was my fault, something I did wrong.  These feelings fed my fear of abandonment and rejection and my resulting perfectionism.

What follows is some information about my family that may help shed some insight into this baffling disease of codependency.

My Earliest Memories

I have a few early memories that I believe foreshadowed my codependency.

One of these memories took place at a ski area daycare center.  I must have been too young to ski, probably around the age of three or four. As I recall, I did something that called for attention from the daycare workers, and they yelled at me severely for it.  I was crying hard.  I thought, “I’m a bad person because I did this.”  I still have residual effects of this treatment to this day. 

I have another memory of my sister Alice and me playing in the downstairs hallway on a Sunday afternoon. We had little plastic horses and dolls we were playing with. One of the dolls was named Little Linda. Alice said that Little Linda was going away for a while. The fact that Linda was leaving made me feel really sad. As I look back on it now, Linda represented my sister Alice somehow. This was the first time I was fearful of being abandoned and rejected by my sister.

I remember crying when my first grade teacher, Mrs. Powell, moved me into the second-grade reading group. I had been separated from my peers, which, to me, meant I had done something wrong and was being punished. I felt very sad and didn’t understand what I had done wrong. I cried the whole time I sat there. Mrs. Powell was reading us a story about a girl crying at the breakfast table. 

“Annie sat at the breakfast table and her tears landed with a plop in her cereal bowl. Just like Juliet’s,” Mrs. Powell said as I sobbed. 

Mrs. Powell was very sweet and would never hurt a fly. I think she probably couldn’t understand why I was so upset. I think subconsciously I was afraid my sister wouldn’t love me anymore if I was as smart as her or at her level in school. So I stayed in first grade. 

When I was still in grade school, a lady at a restaurant scolded me and I lied about why. I couldn’t have been more than seven or eight. I was at a salad bar fixing myself a plate. I saw some pickles that looked interesting. I selected one, took a bite, decided I didn’t like it, and put it back in the bucket on the salad bar. A woman saw me perform this angelic transaction.

“Oh, you shouldn’t do that,” she said, shaking her head and frowning at me.

I just happened to have a heaping pile of apple butter on my plate right then. So I went back to the table and told everyone that the lady yelled at me for taking too much apple butter. Fibber! I knew what she was mad at me for. I felt shame about this for a long time.  When I did my CoDA 9^th step, I confessed to this little sin. I forgive myself for judging myself for not being perfect.

---

[1] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.

[2] Ibid.

[3] Melody Beattie, Codependent No More. (Center City, MN: Hazelden, 1992), p. 36.

[4] Codependents Anonymous, Meeting Starter Packet. (www.coda.org,2009), p. 29.

---

 

Wright, J. Everything Is My Fault. (Pownal, VT: Hidden Angel Publishing, 2012).

 

 

 

THE TWELVES THAT HELP

Introduction

The 12 Steps are at the heart of the Codependents Anonymous program.

The 12 Steps have been adapted for CoDA from the Steps and Traditions from Alcoholics Anonymous with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

I work the Steps to recover.

Working the Steps

To truly experience recovery from codependency, one has to “work the Steps.”  That[  means attending meetings, getting and reading the CoDA Big Book and the Workbook, getting a sponsor, answering the Workbook questions, and reading the answers to your sponsor.

People work the steps in their own way at their own pace. Some people go fast, some people really take their time.  Many 12 steppers work the steps multiple times.  Some people only work them once. How long it takes to work the steps is different for each person. There is no right or wrong.  It is whatever is right for you. 

I started working the steps as soon as I started going to meetings.  As of the writing of this book I have been in recovery for seven years and have been through the steps twice.

I am planning on starting my third time through the steps this coming week.  I do this with my sponsor.  This is what is right for me.

Working the steps has helped me because right from step one they have taught me that I cannot control others and I am not responsible for them.  They also teach me that I don’t have to go through anything alone. I can give my life to God and he will take care of me.  I can take an honest look at myself separate my behaviors from my self worth. I can work with God to help get rid of the defects of character that affect my life in a negative way.  I can fix whatever my behaviors have done with my relationships.  Then I can share my story with others and help them on their journey.  It is in this sharing that helps me to keep working my program and deepens my recovery. 

Here are the 12 Steps, followed by a brief discussion on each step. 

The 12 Steps of Codependents Anonymous

1.  We admitted we were powerless over others — that our lives had become unmanageable.

2.   Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3.  Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

4.  Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5.  Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6.  Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7.  Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

8.  Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

9.  Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10.  Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

11.  Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.

12.  Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other codependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.[1]

I also want to provide you with CoDA’s 12 Promises. These wonderful assurances always motivate me to keep working on myself. Within my discussion of the steps, I have included some of the Promises that I use most often.

The Twelve Promises of Co-Dependents Anonymous

I can expect a miraculous change in my life by working the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous. As I make an honest effort to work the Twelve Steps and follow the Twelve Traditions…

1.I know a new sense of belonging. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.

2. I am no longer controlled by my fears. I overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity and dignity.

3. I know a new freedom.

4.    I release myself from worry, guilt, and regret about my past and present. I am aware enough not to repeat it.

5. I know a new love and acceptance of myself and others. I feel genuinely lovable, loving and loved.

6.    I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners.

7. I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy.

8.   I learn that it is possible to mend – to become more loving, intimate and supportive. I have the choice of communicating with my family in a way which is safe for me and respectful of them.

9.    I acknowledge that I am a unique and precious creation.

10.    I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth.

11. I trust the guidance I receive from my higher power and come to believe in my own capabilities.

12. I gradually experience serenity, strength, and spiritual growth in my daily life.

---

[1] Codependents Anonymous, Codependents Anonymous. (Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 1995), p. vi.

---

 [RKQ1]Add a little more background. At what stage does someone in CoDA work the Steps? How long does it take? Why does it help?

Perfectionism

 

You keep pushing and pushing for perfection

That’s how I win your affection

You keep pushing and pushing to change me

I try and fail

Good-bye to my dreams.

 

I’ll lose myself trying to please you.

 

I missed your mark

Of perfect

 

(From Expectations, from Fearless Moral Inventory, by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2010, all rights reserved:)

 

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns:

 

• I think I have to be perfect and so do you.  Nothing less will do.

 

• Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong. 

 

One of my biggest, most dangerous, and debilitating defects is perfectionism. I think I have to be perfect in everything I think, feel, do, and say or I’m a bad person who isn’t worthy of love. I have to be perfect with everyone all the time.

 

Dad was a perfectionist. I was responsible for making him look good.  That means I had to be perfect in every way.  I was expected to get straight As, behave perfectly, and look perfect.  He expected my sister, my mother, and myself to look and conduct ourselves in a certain way at all times.  Nothing less than the best was acceptable.  If we were anything less than perfect, love was taken away from us. So I learned that if I wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t lovable and wouldn’t be loved.

 

Therefore, as I child I learned that my family’s problems were the result of my imperfection.  If I were perfect, Mom wouldn’t drink, Dad wouldn’t screw around, and my sister would be happy.

 

Both Alex and Brad were perfectionists.  I tried to be perfect for them too. I thought that if I were perfect, Alex would still be in love with me.  If I were perfect, Brad would have fallen in love with me and would have forgotten about his ex-wife. It didn’t work.

 

I felt that Hollywood expected me to be perfect if I was going to succeed out there.  If I was perfect, I would have been a success as a guitar player and recording artist playing sold out shows at the Viper Room and have a body like Heidi Klum.

 

If I say I’m going to practice for two hours, it has to be two hours exactly, not one hour and 58 minutes.  If my practice time at Interlochen was supposed to start at 6:00 pm, I had to be in that chair by 6:00 pm, not 6:01. That meant running from the cafeteria after dinner and leaving my friend Joy in the dust.

 

When I’m measuring my food, it has to be exactly one cup — no more no less. When I’m cleaning, I have to get every speck. All pictures have to hang perfectly straight. When I put on my mascara, every single lash has to be perfect, even if I’m late for work. My weight has to be perfect too. I want the scale to say 124, not 124.2.

 

When I was attending Interlochen, I had my heart set on being Valedictorian. That

meant I needed to get a 4.0. I only got a 3.92, and I felt very disappointed with myself.

 

I give myself grief about making mistakes. I recently came across an old report card from Interlochen.

 

“I would like her to back off a bit,” one of my dance teachers wrote.  Reading that really hit me like a punch in the stomach.  I still feel shame when I read it. I was obviously always in her face asking questions, bugging her, trying to be perfect.  That must have been the problem at IAA. I was just so intense that no one could stand me.  I didn’t have an off button.  I never relaxed.  I thought I had to be perfect and that meant being on top of it at all times, every minute.  I can see how that would get wearing.

 

As I sit here writing this, I am angry at myself for not being perfect. I am full of shame.  I upset the dance teacher.  I was obnoxious. How dare I?

 

Sometimes I push my perfectionism on my students.  I expect them to be perfectly on time, not drop their violin, hold their bow perfectly, have all their work done, play everything perfectly and not need me to physically help them. For a long time, I expected the violin to be the center of their universe.  I get stressed out during my lessons if they’re late, slow, fooling around, or unprepared, especially when we have a concert coming up.

 

Here’s a journal entry that documents how this defect of character invades my work life.

 

May 25, 2010

 

I am pushing my perfectionism on my music students just like Dad pushed his perfectionism on us. I really feel him behind my eyes when I’m like that and it doesn’t feel good.  I need to change this behavior.

 

I want my students to be good so I’ll look good too.  I am also very determined to get through everything I planned in that lesson for that day. That’s not right.  Maybe they’re not ready to learn what I have for them to learn.  That’s me spreading my disease. Violin lessons should just be a good experience for them.  I need to chill out and not be so hell bent so that everyone can relax a little bit. 

 

If there is a way to mix high expectations with joy, I need to figure out how to do that. 

 

At least I was able to look at my kids and acknowledge the good things they did and not completely push my perfectionism on them.  I could respect the fact that they are there and they are trying.

 

 

I have since discovered that it’s okay not to be perfect.  It’s okay to make mistakes.  I am still a good person.  I’m still lovable.

 

Besides, even if I had been perfect, it wouldn’t have fixed my parents’ problems anyway.  It wouldn’t have made Alex or Brad love me.

 

I still hate making and admitting to mistakes.

 

Here are some of Juliet’s Positive Affirmations that support my work in this area.

 

It’s okay for me to make mistakes every day.

           

God knows everything about me and loves me anyway.

 

God loves me in spite of my mistakes. 

 

 

I say these positive affirmations 21 times every day to help combat my perfectionism.

 

I believe that someday God will relieve me of this defect of character.

 

 

 

I am grateful for the simplicity God has placed in my life. I am thankful whenever I can look in the mirror and say, “Juliet is a simple person.” There are many times now when I can say that.

 

I am striving to live a life centered on God. I live my life for Him. I am pulling out all the stops to have everything in my life support this God-centered life.

 

This new, less distracted life has God at the center of my teaching, workouts, books, music, housekeeping, and service work for CoDA and Quaker Meeting. It has God at the center of my walks in the woods, trips to the store, and attendance at Weight Watchers meetings. All God, everywhere, all the time.

 

Living my life in this simple way, revolving around God, allows me to more easily get rid of the complexities that clutter my life. For example, since I started working my 13^thPrinciple of Simplicity, I found that I was less likely to overbook my calendar. I stopped saying yes all the time and started saying no. This is great recovery for a complaint codependent. I also began questioning whether I really needed something, instead of just buying it automatically. I chose a simple cell phone instead of an iPhone or Smart Phone. I started throwing more things away instead of saving them on the “What If I Need It” Principle.

 

As I discussed in “Simplicity” (my added 13^thPrinciple) earlier in the book, my life here at home is pretty simple technologically — at least by today’s standards. I am happy about that. Juliet is simple in her life at home.

 

I’m learning to be simple in my speech and communication. I try to let my yes be yes and my no be no without miles of explanation. This fits into the Quaker testimony of simplicity very well, as they believe in simplicity of speech. I practice this in all of my communication, but especially in Quaker Meeting, where I am the most successful at it.

 

I am also practicing simplicity in my personal life by making the decision to be celibate and devote my life to God. This makes my life less complicated, especially since I am an outer-focused codependent. Let’s get the gorilla out of the room. This act of simplicity has brought more serenity to my life than I ever could express.

 

Juliet is becoming a simple person. I look ahead to a simple, God-centered life.

I will do this with God’s help. I am grateful for his grace and love.

 

 

 

All my life I’m waiting

For one thing or another

Patience is my lesson

And time is my mother

 

~ Waiting Part One from Fearless Moral Inventory by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2010, all rights reserved

 

 

One of my biggest defects of character is impatience.

 

To me, patience means that I’m willing to wait for what I want or need. Impatience means that I want what I want right now and don’t ever want to wait for it.

 

That pretty much sums it up for me. I’d like everything right this minute, please. I can’t stand waiting. Whether I’m in traffic, on hold on the telephone, in line at the checkout counter at the grocery store, or waiting for my computer to boot up, I’m always in a hurry. Maybe it’s because I’m always late, always short on time, and thus am always trying to fit too many activities into a small amount of time. Or maybe it’s because I live in a society where multi-tasking has become the norm. Perhaps it is a combination of all of those things.

 

I’m very impatient. I’ve written a three-part song about my impatience, in fact. A selection from that song introduces this section. The song is called Waiting. Here are some more choruses from that piece of music:

 

Why must I keep waiting

For time that doesn’t exist

Am I missing something

Or trying to resist

 

Why must I keep waiting

Everything takes forever

Life is never simple

It’s always an endeavor

 

~ Waiting Part Two from Fearless Moral Inventory by Juliet A. Wright copyright 2010, all rights reserved

 

 

Why must I keep waiting

For hours without salvation

What is it that I’m gaining

But pain and frustration

 

Why must I keep waiting

What is it I’m to learn

If it’s peace I have none

More lessons will I earn

 

~ Waiting Part Three from Fearless Moral Inventory by Juliet A. Wright copyright 2010, all rights reserved

 

 

I am impatient for many different things. I’m impatient at the wheel of a car when I get behind a slow driver. I’m impatient when the phone rings, I answer it, and I don’t have time to talk and need to hang up. I’m impatient when I’m tired. I’m impatient with my art. I’m impatient when I’m in line at a Cumberland Farms convenience store, where some person is buying lotto tickets, cigarettes, sandwiches, and everything else behind the counter at a very slow pace.

 

I’m impatient when it comes to my weight loss too. God tells me to be patient and to persevere. I do my best. I am learning to endure the weight loss process by being happy with small amounts of weight loss at a time. This comes in opposition to my old self who expected to lose 10 pounds in one night by starving myself as I have in the past. It took me a while to gain the weight, it will take me a while to lose it. Good things come to those who wait. In this way, I am learning patience. One step forward, two steps back.

 

The bible addresses patience in the book of James:

 

Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near.

~ James 5:7-8 (NIV)

 

When I’m struggling with patience, James reminds me to look for support in the prophets who were patient and persevered. I need to do this because:

 

As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered.

~ James 5:10-11 (NIV)

 

So the principle of perseverance is being addressed here. James wants us to keep going, keep trying, and not give up. In the book of James, Job — even though he was suffering from all kinds of illness and loss — persevered.

 

Patience and perseverance go hand in hand in my world too. I must learn to go by God’s timing, not my own. And I must remember that everything is happening as it is meant to happen.

 

Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake.^[1]

 

The booklet Let Go and Let God by Steve Mays says that God made Joseph wait 13 years before he became head of Egypt as Prime Minister.^[2]

 

So here I have the concept of patience coming at me from multiple sources. That is God talking to me. I must listen.

 

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God that He may exalt you in due time. ~ 1 Peter 5:6 (NIV)

 

Steve Mays says we are impatient by nature. All humans are. He says sometimes God withholds things because he wants to do something even greater in the end. God is not in a hurry.^[3] My therapist says that too. There is no urgency in Spirit.

 

 

Patience at Work

 

Patience and tests produce endurance. That must be why I went through all of those difficulties with my professional development approvals this year. Each year, I take my two professional development days and one personal day and go to the American String Teachers Association Conference. The conference is in a different place every year. In 2015, it was held in Salt Lake City, Utah. Every time, the process of getting it approved by my superiors gets a little more difficult. This go-round really took the cake. My school district has a new computer program that records absences. Of course I’m still learning how to use it.

 

The process is supposed to be really efficient, but that was not the case this time. I followed the process by filling out the necessary paperwork and putting the dates in the computer. Then my Deputy Superintendent said I couldn’t go. So I canceled the trip. I was really confused and disappointed by the Deputy Superintendent’s decision. This trip is one of the highlights of my year. Then she said I just entered the information wrong, but it could be fixed and I should go. So I fixed all of the information in the computer and sent it to her. She approved it. I thought I was all set. Later that month, she contacted me and stated that she never heard from me and therefore didn’t approve it. Then she left our district to work somewhere else. By then, I had paid for my non-refundable plane ticket and conference attendance fees. I was very frustrated and bewildered by this. I don’t blame my former leader. No one is perfect and she was no doubt doing the best she could, just as I was.
I did not give up. I stuck with it. The administration asked me to be patient and trust that it would be approved. I did that. I waited for the administration to help me fix the problem and they did.

 

This process taught me patience and perseverance. Working my program helped me to stay calm and take things in stride, instead of going to a place of anxiety and obsession. I had to wait for the Deputy Superintendent’s replacement to be hired. Then I had to persevere and patiently resubmit all that paperwork to get the trip approved. I was patient. I asked God for help. Once again He delivered. The trip was approved and I went.

 

 

Patience and Art 

 

I am also learning patience through the medium of art. I am an amateur visual artist, dabbling in oil painting. I’m not good at it, but I love it. I am slowly learning a little bit at a time. I built myself an art studio that has a barn underneath. The studio has a bathroom and doubles as a guest room. It has a wonderful view out the windows.

 

The purpose of painting in my life is to teach me patience. When I first started art, I approached it like I approach everything else. I was in a hurry. I wanted to create a perfect, museum-worthy painting in an hour. Right. Hello? I was still like that until recently. Then I had an awakening. Why don’t I just leave this painting on the easel for a while until I get it how I like it?

 

Now my paintings are not something I am trying to get finished, in the can, signed right away. They are something I am patiently picking away at over time. The old Juliet would have been yelling at herself, saying, “You just bought all of those art-instruction DVDs and videotapes and you haven’t even gotten through the first video yet! Hurry up! I want all of those videos done by the end of the month!” Tell me, do I have a drill sergeant in my head or what? That is my inner critic barking orders. I don’t have to listen to him.

 

Painting teaches me patience in many ways. First of all, it takes time to apply the medium to the canvas and work it in to the point where it can be successfully painted upon. Secondly, it takes time and patience to mix the desired color to be just right. The process cannot be rushed. Thirdly, it takes time, control, effort, and infinite patience for me to do the brush strokes just right as I try to emulate what the instructor is doing on the DVD. (I am teaching myself to paint via Bob Ross’s Joy of Painting series. Right now, I am working with his 3-hour “how to paint” DVD, which is fantastic.)

 

I am learning patience in other areas of my life too. A while back, I was leaving the coffee place and an old man was trying to make it to his car. This poor old man was really struggling and didn’t have a cane, so he was moving just a little bit at a time. Why didn’t he have a cane? I felt badly for him. The old Juliet would have been annoyed that he was so slow and in her way. The new Juliet had compassion for this man and was debating about whether or not to help him. That is a step forward, towards the kinder, more compassionate Juliet and away from the impatient Juliet. I’m learning to be more patient with others. I’m learning to be patient with myself. I’m doing the best I can. I’m doing as much as I can.

 

I’m still impatient when I am driving in traffic and I’m working on that. I’m also trying to leave earlier so that there is less stress involved and more time available to get where I’m going. I also try to get up at the crack of dawn when possible to get where I’m going so I miss traffic. I have my Angry Birds stuck to my dashboard. They are there to calm me down and they do so quite effectively. I keep lots of music in my car that I use to calm myself down and get into the patient mode when I’m driving. As I stated earlier, The Matrix Reloaded soundtrack is great for calming me down.

 

God is not on my time line. I am on His time line. He has a better plan for me, better than what I could have orchestrated. I need to chill out, trust Him, and keep going. These tests of patience are producing perseverance in me.

 

Juliet’s Mantras on Patience

• I am learning patience.
• I will become a more patient person.
• Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

~ Corinthians 13:4 (NIV)

• Juliet is patient, Juliet is kind. Juliet does not envy, she does not boast, she is not proud. ~ Juliet’s translation

 

So now I will take my impatience with my professional development approval and put it into Processes One and Two.

 

 

 

Process One:

 

1. I consciously breathe in and out slowly. Breathing with awareness brings me back to the present moment. It gives me an automatic time-out.
2. I become aware of what I am doing.
3. I ask myself, What’s going on in my body, feelings, and brain?

Body:  Body is tense, heart is starting to race. My body is starting to sweat.

Feelings: Angry, frustrated, impatient, and rageful.

Brain:  I’m very tired of waiting for my professional development to be approved. Nothing is happening and I’m stressed out about it. I can’t get my money back for the flight, hotel, or conference fee. If they don’t approve my time off, I’ll be out all that money and I won’t get the professional development this year.

4. If possible, I write down the information and journal about how I’m feeling. I feel angry, frustrated, impatient, and rageful.
5. I pray for the willingness to accept the situation and information as it is. God help me be willing to accept this endless waiting process for my professional development approval as it is.
6. I pray for acceptance of the situation. God help me to accept this endless waiting process for my professional development approval. Help me accept that you have a reason for this process and delay and that it is for my highest good.
7. I admit powerlessness over said problem. Dear God, I admit powerlessness over my professional development approval process.
8. Then I become willing to feel my feelings. I feel angry, frustrated, impatient, and rageful. I really let myself feel it, all out. I let my rage out by playing Porcupine Tree’s Fear of a Blank Planet, or The Matrix Reloaded soundtrack to relieve myself of this anxiety. I will glance at my Angry Birds while I listen. This helps me get my rage out. If I’m at home, I will exercise and pound and yell to get rid of that icky anger energy inside of me.
9. I pray for God to help me with the pain I feel inside. Dear God, I am powerless over this anger, frustration, impatience, and rage that I am feeling now. I ask that you remove these feelings of pain from me.
10. I put a note in my God Box about it. Dear God, I give you my professional development approval and my feelings about the situation to the highest good of all involved.
11. Where can I put my mind that is not on this? I go do something else.
12. The something else lately has been me playing music on my violin, viola, cello, and guitar when I feel despair coming on or am in the middle of the CoDA crazies. Playing music gets me relaxed, calm, breathing, and balanced.
13. I have to remember that God doesn’t make junk. I am a beloved child of God just the way I am. I don’t have to do anything to be okay. I am okay just because I’m me. I must never forget that. I am a worthwhile person just because I exist.
14. From now on, I will just decide to be happy and patient when confronted with situations where I feel anger, frustration, impatience, and rage. If this doesn’t work, I will repeat step 8 above of Process One until I feel calm. I will pray and give it to God too. He will help.
15. Even if I never get my professional development approved and I lose all that money, I am still okay. I’m still a good person. I am a beloved child of God. I can always talk to God about it. He’ll help me.
16. I take myself to Tanglewood: When I do this, I look at a picture I have of Tanglewood and take myself there in my mind. If I’m not near my picture, I use my cross ring as an anchor to remind myself to go to Tanglewood in my mind. It helps me relax. I am at Tanglewood sitting on the lawn and the breeze is blowing my hair. The orchestra is beginning to play.

 

After I go through Process One, I proceed to Process Two — Make a Plan:

 

1. I recheck my anxiety level. How am I feeling? I feel better, more relaxed.
2. I breathe big and deep.
3. What is the information? I am impatient about my professional development coming through and am stressed about losing money over it.
4. What are my choices? I can stay stressed, or I can do whatever I can to resolve the situation and leave the rest in God’s hands.
5. I hold the outcome in the Light of God, give thanks, and visualize what I want. Thank you God for helping me with my professional development approval process. If it is your will, I pray that I am able to go on my trip and that I will be at peace during the whole process.
6. I take action in the direction of the choices I’ve made. If needed, I plan my additional steps. I am doing everything I can to resolve the situation with my professional development approval and give it to God to fix the rest.
7. I affirm my choice and accept it. I am comfortable with my plan.
8. I give it to God by either placing my problem in an imaginary goblet and offering it up to God with arms outstretched, or by getting on my hands and knees and giving it to him. Dear God, please take this issue off my plate. I place it in your capable, loving hands.
9. I ask myself, Where could I put my mind that’s not on this?
10. I go play my instruments, write a song, work on my book, or do some painting.
11. I thank God.

Additional practices that help to me work through my impatience:

• Music: I listen to Porcupine Tree’s Fear of a Blank Planet, The Matrix Reloaded soundtrack, or Linkin Park when I feel severe impatience coming on. It helps me relax.
• Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to get rid of the negative energy that comes with impatience.
• Scripture: Reading the bible every morning helps me to discern God’s will for me and helps to give me the strength to do His will. It helps me to remember that he is in charge and I’m not. I’m on his time table, he is not on mine.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy does it,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” “Let go and let God” and “Turn it over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Take a break: Sometimes I need to just stop, sit, and breathe. This helps get rid of the anxiety and stress associated with being impatient. I need to keep practicing this. Sitting and doing nothing but breathing is a really good exercise in patience for me.
• Let it go: I rid myself of anxiety and impatience every time I give my life to God. I let go, trust Him, and move on. I consider that it is as it’s supposed to be at this moment and I always feel better.

^[1] Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous: The Big Book, 4^th ed. New York, NY: Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. 2001, p. 417.

^[2] Mays, Steve. Let Go and Let God: Casting Your Cares Upon the Lord. Gardena, CA: Light of the Word, 2009, p. 9.

^[3] Ibid, pp. 6-7.

I can feel change comin’

Comin’ over me

It’s gonna be so different

Just wait and see

 

~ Change from Fearless Moral Inventory by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2010, all rights reserved

 

 

I still don’t enjoy conflict and I’m still a passive person. But I stick up for myself more often than I used to and that is progress. In the past I would just shove whatever I wanted under the carpet in order to keep the peace. Whatever I wanted wasn’t that important. You were the person who was important. I don’t do that as much now. I stick up for what I want.

 

The previous example of speaking my truth in the conflict with Doris is a good example of Juliet learning to be assertive. It was not easy, but I did it.

 

I am also learning to be more assertive and less afraid of conflict at work. For example, in my recent attempts to schedule end-of-the-year concerts for my orchestra students, I have encountered some conflicts with my fellow teachers and their end-of-the-year field trips. Communication can be a tricky thing in the education field, and pretty much any field, I would suppose. Some educators have the tendency to schedule things without consulting the school calendar. I had scheduled a concert with the principal on a certain day and time. When I told my students about it, they said they were going on a field trip and wouldn’t be there. I emailed the individual organizing the event but did not get the information in her response that I wanted. The old Juliet would have just given up, picked another day, sulked, and said I don’t matter, forget it. The new Juliet called the teacher in question and talked to her on the phone about it. We communicated and solved the problem. I did not come from a passive place, or a place of fear of abandonment or fear of rejection. Business is business. I did not take it personally. The concert is now scheduled. This is progress.

 

I also spoke assertively to someone after a CoDA meeting a few months ago. At the end of our meeting, we passed around a bag of positive affirmations. Everyone that wants to picks an affirmation out of the bag and reads it. One individual picked a piece of paper out of the bag and said, “Oh look, Juliet’s phone number!” I did not appreciate it. I did not engage in crosstalk, but waited for the meeting to be over. At the close of meeting, I told the person how I felt.

 

I said: “I just want you to know that we don’t do thirteenth stepping at this meeting. I didn’t appreciate your comment about the phone number. It wasn’t okay with me. Please don’t do it again.”

 

In their best-selling book, Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend recommend that people practice new behaviors in a safe place, such as a support group.^[1] So I was practicing in a safe place and was practicing on someone that I felt safe being assertive with. I didn’t have anything to lose.

The outcome was that the person took it quite well, at least from my point of view. The person made an excuse like that was not what they meant, it was joke, etc. I stood my ground. We ended the conversation and parted ways.

 

That is me sticking up for myself. That is me walking right into a potential conflict situation and saying what I need to say for myself. That is me realizing I am worth speaking up for. I matter. This progress is the result of working this program. I feel good about this growth and will keep practicing being assertive in safe environments.

 

Mantras that help me when I’m facing a conflict:

• Remember your bubble. My therapist told me to imagine a protective bubble around myself so that when hurtful things happen, I am not affected. The bad stuff only hits the outside of the bubble.
• Treat it like the front page of the newspaper.
• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Before you go into a room, hold it in the Light of God.
• Dear God, I give you this conflict for my highest good.
• Observe, don’t react.
• Don’t take it personally. This isn’t about me.
• God, please speak through me.
• God, please take care of this conflict for me.
• Does this serve you?
• You have a choice.
• Go for process, not content.

 
Positive Affirmations that I say when preparing to face a potential conflict and am feeling passive:

• Juliet deserves good things.
• I am worthy of love just because I exist.
• My cross ring and my Angry Birds remind me to take myself to Tanglewood when I’m facing a conflict.

 

Additional practices that help with my conflict avoidance and passiveness.

• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy does it,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” “Let go and let God” and “Turn it over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax when I’m preparing to face a potential conflict.
• Give it to God: I place the person and situation I feel overly-responsible for into a beautiful, imaginary goblet and offer it up to God. Then I put a note in my God Box about it. This helps me let go and move on.

^[1] Cloud, Henry and John Townsend. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life (Audio). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2001.

 

He wonders if she’ll ever get it right

Lonelyhearts will you start tonight

Wonder if she’ll ever see the light inside herself.

 

~ Lonelyhearts by Juliet A. Wright

Copyright 2010, all rights reserved

 

We are hard on others, but the person we are hardest on is ourselves. In this story, I describe an experience in a yoga class and how I still suffered from low self-esteem and an overactive inner critic. But I did better than I had the day before in spin class.

So today was Day 2 of Juliet out amongst the 20-something beautiful people of the world. I was taking a flow yoga class in luscious La Jolla while I was on vacation. At least there were a few more people who looked like they were my age than in the spin class I had taken two days before.

The room was packed with people, which meant, at times, that someone’s feet were in your face. At least they were clean and didn’t smell. I was surrounded by people who were remarkably adept at twisting themselves into an amazing pretzel and then balancing on one foot. So adept, I am not.

I did my best. I was not as intimidated as I was in spin class. I still didn’t have the right clothes. I was wearing my baggy, slightly unattractive light green sweatpants and a purple Vermont t-shirt that didn’t match. I had no makeup on and my hair was back in a braid in an attempt to hide the scalping I’d received at a barber shop the previous day. Okay, so he didn’t scalp me, but he cut at least 3-4 inches off, which was more than I wanted. I had asked for a trim. I had agreed to two inches, not three. It actually seems like more than three. So now I can’t look in the mirror for at least two weeks until it grows out a little bit. This too shall pass. My hair will grow.

“Put a hat on and forget it,” my mom would say.

So, back to yoga. I did my best. I stretched, twisted, balanced, downward dogged, up dogged, cameled, bull posed, proud warriored, and did a lot of prayer pose in more ways than one. The small, thin, dark-eyed instructor wore perfect makeup and yoga attire. She seemed to be very gentle and kind. A couple of times she came over and gently adjusted my poses. She kept reminding us to breathe, which is great because I tend to forget to do that, especially when I’m really concentrating on something. She was a wonderful teacher. She even threw some meditation into the mix, which completely agreed with my Quaker self.

I sometimes lost my balance and became self-conscious. My inner critic called me a klutz.

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns at work:

I am less than.

• I’m not good enough to be here.
• I don’t deserve to be here.

 Juliet’s feelings patterns:

I am less than.

• I don’t deserve to be here.
• I am different than everyone else.

Positive Affirmations:

I am good enough to be here.

• I am worthy of love just because I exist.
• I am trying my best, which is all I can ask of anyone, including myself.
• I don’t have to be perfect.
• It’s okay to make mistakes every

 I don’t have to listen to my inner critic. All he does is make my low self-esteem escalate to gigantic proportions. I can tell him to go away. I did that at this yoga class.

Even if I’m not perfect, it’s okay for me to be around people who are. And the reality is that they’re not really perfect either; I just think they are. So I can tell my perfectionism to take a hike, along with my low self-esteem. I can take my spider-veined, saggy kneed, gray rooted, page boy haired, geeky dressed body into a yoga class full of beautiful, pretzel twisted hard bodies and still love myself just because I’m me.

Who knows. Maybe my presence will make them feel better about themselves. I hope so. They’re probably criticizing themselves the way I do myself.

If the sharing of my experiences helps just one person, it’s worth it. Even if that person is me. That is recovery.