Light In My Classroom

Light appeared in my classroom today – beautiful, radiant, heart-warming Light.  This Light had nothing to do with me. This Light came in the form of dedicated Orchestra Angels, their eyes focused, ears open, hearts content to do their best to make the music that fills their souls.  I am so grateful for them. They made my day. How wonderful it is to be a teacher when the teacher and students are on the same wavelength, with the same interests, goals, hopes and dreams.  It is for this that I became a music teacher.

These particular students attend the school we will call School B.  I teach at their school one afternoon a week. The periods are short, only 30 minutes. Most of the eight schools I teach at follow this rigid schedule. This can lead to lots of frustration if the students are late, have a broken string, the bridge has fallen out, had to take a test…. You get the point. But today the water was flowing beautifully and harmoniously down the stream.  All the students were on time, focused, sweet, there to learn and just plain fun.  I don’t take credit for any of this.  This was the Light.  I was merely the facilitator organizing the learning, but it was the Light in the students that made it happen.  We made music together – beautiful, heart-felt music.  I am so thankful to work in a school district that still values the arts.

So one would think that this teacher could just bask in the glory of her afternoon, be thankful, and let that be that.  But no, not when you are a codependent who thinks everything is your fault.  When you are a perfectionistic codependent with low self esteem who blames yourself for everything, it is even worse.

The catalyst that is pouring salt on this hot fudge sundae of a day would be experiences I had a School A prior to my arrival at School B.  I want to be clear that I had some great classes at School A today.  There were many little Angels shining their Light in my School A classes; trying hard to learn, loving music, giving me their eyes, ears and physical efforts to create something pleasing to the ear for our upcoming concerts.  But, there were also some Rascals in orchestra today that wanted to do anything but learn. We were just on different planets. Of course I found this frustrating.  I am so time conscious and some students are so not time conscious.  They don’t have any idea what time it is, how little of it we have together, and the huge mountain of work we have to do to get ready for a concert in a very few weeks.  So why can’t I just heave a huge sigh, tell God I did the best I could, leave it at school, go home and stack my wood knowing I did the best I could? Why can’t I? Because I’m codependent.  I have been beating the daylights out of myself for how that lesson went. I had to pull a girl aside and set her straight on the behavior expectations in orchestra.  Then I feel mean and awful. Did I ruin her life?  Is she crying somewhere? Are her parents going to send me a lambasting email? Am I going to be eating peanut butter next week?  Or is she playing a video game and I am the last thing on her mind? Who knows.

All I can do is the best I can do.  Teachers everywhere work harder than anyone will ever know.  It is a very, very difficult job.  The majorities of teachers I have met work hard every day trying to get kids to learn believe in themselves and become productive members of society.  We do want our students to have joy in their lives.  Sometimes it takes hard work to get there. When we are a team with our students, we can accomplish amazing things.  But when half of the horses in the wagon train are pulling the other direction, it makes it hard to accomplish things.

So I come back to the Light. Every single day of my life, before I go into a school, I give my lessons to God. God, let your will be done with these lessons.  Let my words be your words. I need to have faith that He heard me.  I will, to the best of my ability, try and be a beacon of Light to the many little Blessings who enter my classroom every day.  I will try and deflect the Darkness, or better yet, tell it to take a hike.  And, like any good Quaker would do, I will strive to find and focus on the Light in each and every Blessing that crosses my threshold. And maybe somewhere in there I can learn to give myself a break and realize that I am doing the best I can.