Acceptance

Acceptance

Your strength is to stand still, after you see yourselves;
whatever you see yourselves addicted to,
temptations, corruption, uncleanness, etc.,
then you think you shall never overcome.
And earthly reason will tell you, what you shall lose;
pay no attention to that,
but stand still in the light that shows them to you,
and then strength comes from the Lord,
and help contrary to your expectation.
Then you grow up in peace, and no trouble shall move you.

~ “To Friends, to stand still in trouble, and see the strength

of the Lord” by George Fox^[1]

Acceptance is a vital spiritual principle, one that I struggle with very much sometimes. I apply it to different things on different days. When I first started writing about acceptance, most of the time I addressed it in terms of what I can get done in a day. I attach my self-worth to what I can get done each day. This issue addresses my defect of workaholism.

Today, however, I am addressing acceptance on the level of recognizing that things are how they are. I will just work on trying to let it be, instead of letting the circumstances of my life tie my gut into a knot that strangles my soul. That chokes out every bit of happiness, joy, and faith I have, until I sink into Satan’s pit of despair. He would love that.

Now it’s not about what I can get done in a day, but about my beloved sister and (at this point) her wonderful late husband and why couldn’t I fix it? Why couldn’t I make it okay for them? When he was sick, I had a hard time accepting that and wanted to be the one to save him and save my sister Alice from having to go through all of the pain of taking care of yet another sick person. Now that he has passed, I am having a hard time accepting the fact that he is gone. Alice has to grieve and I can’t do it for her. I love her. I don’t want her to be sad. But I can’t fix it. I must let go and let this be her experience. This struggle all relates to my defect of over-responsibility and caretaking.

I think of acceptance as being my recognition of reality as it is.

Acceptance is the spiritual principle behind Co-Dependents Anonymous Step 6:

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.^[2]

The defects of character that were revealed in my soul searching from Step 4 (the fearless moral inventory) and admitted to in the integrity of Step 5 (admitting our wrongs) must be accepted in Step 6. There they are, staring me in the face. No use denying it.
So I admit to my defects of character and agree that they are no longer of use to me. They need to go. Over-responsibility, caretaking, selfishness, low self-esteem, and all the rest of my 86-item defects list are only wreaking havoc on my life. I can’t get rid of them until I accept the fact that I have them. That is what George Fox was talking about in the opening quote to this section on Acceptance. Let’s see reality as it is and agree that it is there. Now what do we do about it?

The hard work I have been doing in recovery has allowed for me to work on removing defects of character, while still learning to set boundaries. Finding a balance that allows for me to care about others and still take care of myself can be very difficult. I am still learning how to do that. My over-responsibility makes that very challenging.

I would often become rageful, frustrated, and/or desperate over the stress of dealing with family business, illness, and crisis. This always seemed to come up at times, such as on a Sunday night, so I would go to work exhausted, sad, freaked out, unable to function. My over-responsibility and caretaking would tell me I had to fix the problem at hand right then and there.
The Juliet that is learning to set boundaries, refrain from over-responsibility and caretaking, may choose to take care of herself — instead of being available for potentially upsetting information that could make Monday morning more difficult than it already is. The new Juliet is learning to accept the fact that she can’t fix everything.

Juliet’s inner critic, on the other hand, gives her loads of grief for being selfish. Juliet is so selfish. Your family is having such a hard time and all you are worried about is getting to bed on time? How selfish of you. That is what my inner critic would say to me. It comes directly from the messages I received from my family of origin. I don’t have to listen to those lies anymore. The inner critic is tied to my low self-esteem, another one of my character defects.

I do think it’s important for me to be there for others, as I am able, and sometimes when crisis situations arise, the timing can be really difficult. It is up to me to assess each situation as it comes up and somehow strike a healthy balance between caring for myself and being supportive of others.

A year ago I was raging and frustrated, refusing to accept life as it was. My inner child would have been stomping her feet, all ticked off because her summer trip would probably be screwed up on account of illness and family crisis.

Now I am learning the difference between selfishness, self-care, and my ability to care for others. When I have recognized true selfishness in me, I have done step work around it, dug through my issues, and thrown my selfishness in the trash. At least, most of it. I have become ready to have God remove my selfishness and he did remove a lot of it. Thank you, God.

In order to get rid of my defects, I have to accept that they are there and that they no longer serve me as behaviors. I have had the integrity to admit my wrongdoings and now it is time for me to receive with gratitude the responsibility of changing my behavior.

I accept the fact that I feel overly responsible for and want to caretake my family. I receive the information that it is my behavior that sets this in motion. It does not belong to anyone else. I recognize how destructive this behavior pattern is for me. Feeling overly responsible for others has a negative impact on my own spirit, my ability to take care of myself, and do what God wants me to do. It also has a negative effect on how I treat others.

For example, there were days during my brother-in-law’s illness when I was so sad about him and my sister that I was bordering on despair. I was on the edge of the cliff, for sure.

I have a picture of a Protection Bird that I drew for my therapist that is supposed to protect me from negative vibes and sadness when I come into contact with someone who is sad. There were days during his illness that it didn’t work. I was still very melancholy to the point that I could barely function.

But function I still managed to do, by the grace of God. I knew I had to have faith that this was all happening for a reason. Maybe it happened to give me fuel for this book, so I can get it out there and share what I’ve learned with others. There were days when I was hurting from the bottom of my soul. Step work and my faith in God was all that would cure me.

It was on one of those desperate days that I looked in Melody Beatties’ Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps for help. I realized that I needed to detach. I needed to separate myself from what I couldn’t change or control. This would lead to acceptance. Then it was up to me to do what I could to take care of myself. That meant writing this and getting it out of me. Journaling is still a vital tool that I use for my recovery on a daily basis.

The Juliet from 18 months ago wrote the following:

Acceptance. I pray for the willingness to be willing to accept the fact that I can only get so much done in a day. I receive with approval, whatever I got done today. There are only so many hours in a day. I accept the fact that I am only going to get done what God wants me to get done.

I believe I am doing the best I can. If I really don’t believe it, I will “act as if” until I believe it.

Yesterday, I practiced acceptance with my early morning orchestra when not one soul showed up. I even practiced acceptance when NONE of them brought their instruments down early to be tuned like they were supposed to and NONE of them had their music with them or their book either! Ugh! I don’t sound like I’m accepting it, but I am. That orchestra may only know two pieces for the concert. We may have to tell jokes.

The Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book says acceptance means I am recognizing that everything is the way it’s supposed to be at this moment.^[3]

So I give it to God and do what’s in front of me.

The Juliet of today is trying to favorably believe that there are circumstances in the lives of those I love that I cannot control. I had to accept the fact that I couldn’t cure my brother-in-law’s cancer. It was beyond my control. Now I have to accept the fact that I can’t take away my sister’s grief.

I am ready to have God remove these defects of over-responsibility and caretaking. They are debilitating. They are making my life unmanageable.

George Fox’s recommendation about acceptance in the beginning quote is to just sit still in the Light and face what is. Just look at it. This is truth. Then God sheds Light on it for what can be done about it. He will give us all answers.

So I accept everything is as it’s supposed to be at this moment. The experiences I have had with my sadness, the illness and death of my brother-in-law, the seemingly endless stream of family tragedy are all here to teach me something. It is fuel for me to become more dependent on God and give my life to Him. It is here to teach me something, to help me write this book, to help others, to get over my over-responsibility and caretaking. That alone would be worth it. Dear God, help me let go of my over-responsibility and caretaking. Dear God, help me to become closer to and more dependent on you.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses,

let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.

And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

~ Hebrews 12:1 (NIV)

What the above verse says to me is that, in order to follow God and do what he wants me to do, I need to get rid of all of the excess baggage that slows me down and often prohibits me from moving at all. This means getting rid of my defects of character. The first step to that process is acceptance.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• You are only in control of where you put your attention.
• I’m not in charge here.
• Relax and watch.
• Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

Positive Affirmations:

• I listen to the Christ within that loves, guides, and strengthens me.
• All good in me comes from God.
• I do the best I can in everything I do and that’s enough. I am a good person.
• Let God’s will be done through me.
• Stop all or nothing catastrophic thinking, little steps at a time.
• Stop patterns of negative thinking; I think only positive thoughts about myself and others.
• Today everything God intends to accomplish in and through me shall be done.

This program works. Writing about what is going on with me, working it through, filtering it through the spiritual principles… it all works for me. Whenever I am in despair, I do my step work through it. Then God’s grace brings me healing and relief in the midst of sadness and darkness. That is a miracle. That is program. I am grateful.

Additional practices I engage in when working the Principle of Acceptance: 

• More journaling: I journal as much as I need to in order to get the issues out of me, sort them out, and see how I feel about them.
• Worship: I pray to God to help me accept what is. This really helps me when I’m struggling with something. Then I meditate, listening for what he wants me to do.
• Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to calm down and sort out how I’m feeling about things.
• Documentation: I record my thoughts and revelations about my experience with acceptance into a tape recorder and notate them later.
• Ask the observer: When I’m having trouble accepting something, I get into the observer position and ask myself, “How am I feeling right now? What is it about this situation that’s bothering me?” I journal about those feelings and thoughts.
• More mantras: Mantras help me to focus on listening for God’s guidance throughout my day, and they help me to hear and see the truth about myself. Two mantras that work well for me are “I open all before thee” and “Here I am, Lord.”
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy does it,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” “Let go and let God” and “Turn it over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Turn it over: I give it to God, ask him to take over, and let it go as much as possible. To do this, I often put a note in my God Box about it.
• Let it go: I give it to God, let go, and let Him handle it. Move on.
• Breathe: I breathe in and out. I consider that everything is as it is supposed to be at this moment. I am safe.

^[1] Fox, George. A Collection of Many Select and Christian Epistles, Letters and Testimonies Written on Sundry Occasions, by That Ancient, Eminent, Faithful Friend, and Minister of Christ Jesus, George Fox. RareBooksClub.com, 2013.

^[2] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous. Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 2009, p. iv.

^[3] Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous: The Big Book, 4^th ed. New York, NY: Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc., 2001, p. 417.