Willingness

Willingness

Your hands made me and formed me;

Give me understanding to learn your commands.

~ Psalm 119: 73 (NIV)

Willingness is a spiritual principle that is vital to my recovery from codependency. Willingness is directly connected to the success or failure of my spiritual life. I must be willing to change, grow, accept, surrender control, work hard, and admit when I’m wrong.
Willingness to me means that I have made a positive choice inside of me to try to do what I’m supposed to do.

Willingness is the spiritual principle behind Step 8:

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.^[1]

In Step 8, I’m getting ready to say I’m sorry for what I’ve done and I’m making a list of those I have to say it to in my life. This can be a really scary thing for me. I have fear of abandonment and fear of rejection. Plus making amends with someone could potentially lead to conflict. They could still be ticked off about whatever it is that I did, or said, or didn’t do or say. I am a conflict-avoidant codependent. This could keep me from making the list at all, throwing it away, or burning it in my wood stove and saying, “Forget it.” I must first make a positive choice inside myself to bravely make a list of the people that my codependent behaviors have affected. Then I need to choose to make amends to them all because that is the right thing to do. That is willingness. That is Step 8.

I think that part of this process involves turning the outcome of the amends over to God and letting go of expectations. Expectations often lead to disappointment. I can see myself as I make the list, playing out all the amends with these various folks in my head. My codependent “all or nothing” catastrophic thinking often leads me down the path of doom. They are going to yell at me, get mad at me, tell me I’m bad and leave me forever. I’m too scared. This is what I would tell myself. This “all or nothing” catastrophic thinking would make me not want to make the list or the amends. It would take away all my willingness.
If I decide to do what is right, make amends, and detach myself from any outcomes, giving them to God, this makes the process easier and takes a lot of the threat away. This opens the door to me becoming willing.

Part of making the list is knowing what people to put on the list for amends and who stays off the list. I make the initial list in this regard and my sponsor helps me weed this list out. My family of origin goes on the list. Others outside my family of origin went on the list, but for one reason or another did not make the final cut.

My family of origin taught me that everything was my fault. I was the scapegoat. Thus I developed the defects of over-responsibility and caretaking. Since I was responsible for everyone, everything was my fault. Love was taken away when I did something wrong. I was bad and unlovable. So I’ve grown up thinking that. And now, sometimes, or maybe more than sometimes, I take responsibility for things that aren’t my fault. This could lead me to put people on the amends list that don’t belong there.

So I need to keep these things in mind when I’m making my list. This is one of the many places that my sponsor can come in handy. She can listen to me tell my stories of what has happened and what I think I’ve done wrong and help me get clarity on what I actually need to say and to whom. This helps me with my list and with my willingness.
Another thing that helps me with my willingness is self-love. If I can separate my self-worth from my behaviors, a lot of the fear goes away. If I know that I am a beloved child of God no matter what I’ve done or what happens, I can more easily become ready to put myself out there, admit what I’ve done, and let the outcome be as it may.

Letting go of my defect of over-responsibility and caretaking will help me to become more cheerfully ready to make my list and my amends. If I am no longer responsible for someone else’s life or feelings, then I can become more willing to make amends to them because there is less to lose. I am not responsible for their feelings. I am only responsible for myself. This takes a lot of pressure off me. It makes life easier.

So I make my list, go over it with my sponsor, discuss my defects, fears and worries, and a plan is developed. All of this required my willingness. I became willing. I’m ready to put myself out there.

During this process, I have to constantly make the positive choice to stop being overly responsible for other people and take care of myself. This means giving the person I’m obsessing about back to God and letting go. Then I have to do the right thing to take care of myself, which is to unplug the phone, turn off my brain, and stop obsessing, stop trying to fix it, solve it, kill the pain for the other person. That is tough for me. Sometimes I have to pray for the willingness to be willing to change this behavior. I can only do this with God’s help. God help me to do the right thing.

I am willing to let God be the center of my life. I am willing to keep turning over my life to Him and let Him be the boss. I am willing to let Him write my amends list for me. And He should be the focus of my mind, heart, and soul anyway. It’s about the amends He wants me to make, not the ones I think I need to make. He knows better than me.

Then I need to be willing to say I did the best I could for today in making my amends list. If I find myself unable to do this, I pray for the willingness to be willing to say I did the best I could for today. I need to trust my ability to hear and follow God’s directions.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• You are doing God’s work.
• Relax and watch.
• You are only in control of where you put your attention.
• I’m not in charge here.
• Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

I have Positive Affirmations that help me with my willingness:

• I humble myself before the Lord; I will listen.
• It’s not about what I want, it’s about what God wants.
• I submit to the will of the Lord.
• God will live my life for me today. I don’t have to do anything. All I have to do is be a body.
• God will overcome the false prophets in my head.

So the spiritual principle of willingness has a very vital place in my life. It is the concrete foundation under my Step 8 work as I make my amends list and prepare to go forward with my amends. It’s necessary for me to do what God wants me to do.

Additional practices I engage in when working the Principle of Willingness:

• Renunciation: I get down on my knees in the morning, give my life and my day to God, and ask that His will be done. I say The Lord’s Prayer and The Serenity Prayer. This helps me to become willing. At night before I go to sleep, I say to God, “I surrender God. Dear God, I surrender.” I listen. I breathe. I sleep.
• Prayer: When I’m not cheerfully consenting to do what God wants me to do, I pray the following prayers:
  • I pray for the willingness to be willing.
  • I ask God for the strength to do it.
  • I ask God to do it for me.
  • I ask the Holy Spirit to do it through me.
• More journaling: I get all of my resistance, fears, selfish desires, and control issues out of me and on paper. I write about things like: What am I willing to do? What is keeping me from being willing to do what He wants me to do?
• Worship: Talking to God through consistent morning prayers and meditation is a vital step in my becoming willing to give up what I want for what He wants. Meditation is necessary because that is where I just sit and listen for His guidance.
• Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to calm down and see things more clearly.
• Program literature: I read Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA’s basic text), The Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions Workbook of Co-Dependents Anonymous (often called The 12 and 12), and other literature. Reading this literature helps me to better understand the purpose behind Step 8 and become willing to write my list.
• Scripture: When I need to become willing, I often read the following scripture:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.
~Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

• Constant God connection: I pray as much as I can throughout the day. This helps me to become willing, as I want to do His will and please Him. It helps me to remember He is in charge, not me.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “There is a God, it is not me,” “I can’t, God Can, I think I’ll let Him,” “Willingness is key,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” and “Just for today.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.

^[1] Ibid.