Service

Service

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use

your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.    

~ Galatians 5:13

Service is a huge part of my program. Being of service to others is how I give back. Giving back helps me to practice the principles of the program, and it is one of the ways I express my gratitude for what the program has done for me. I put others before myself, practice humility, acceptance, surrender, compassion, willingness, and faith. Anyone I have ever spoken to in program agrees that being of service is one of the most rewarding parts of the whole process.

To me, service means that I freely give my time and abilities to do the work of the organizations of which I am a part. These organizations as of now are Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) and my Quaker Meeting.

I do a lot of service work for my CoDA program. I started and frequently lead a CoDA Basic Text Meeting on Tuesday nights at a town near me. I also act as GSR (Group Service Representative), literature person, and treasurer for this meeting. The GSR, group service representative, attends the Intergroup meetings (where people from various local meetings come together as a larger governing body) and then reports back to the local meeting on what is happening. I also serve as treasurer for our Intergroup.

In addition, I host an online “Peeling the Onion” CoDA meeting on Wednesday nights. This meeting uses the CoDA booklet Peeling the Onion as its source for topics.^[1] Online CoDA meetings happen in a chat room set up by Online CoDA and operate there. Thus, the leader’s role involves typing a script that includes the format that would normally be read at an in-person meeting (the CoDA Preamble, Welcome, 12 Steps, and 12 Traditions).

I take 12-Step calls too, ideally when it’s convenient for me to do that. However, as I’ve discussed, the phone is a constant source of stress for me. As it works in real life, sometimes I take calls when it’s not ideal for me to do that. Sometimes this leads to resentment, which means it’s not a choice. I’m working on correcting this.

I do service work because I can’t keep it until I give it away. What does that mean? It means that doing service work helps me practice my program. If I don’t use what I’ve learned and keep it in the forefront of my mind, I’ll forget it. It’s like practicing my violin, viola, and cello. If I don’t get them into my hands every day, I forget things. I need to keep them in my hands. It’s the same with my spiritual program. It works if I work it.

Service is the spiritual principle behind Step 12.

12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other codependents and practice these principles in all of our affairs.^[2]

I also think about service as a way of giving back to my community.

The bible tells us in many different places to love one another. Here are a couple of verses:

Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

~ 1 John 4:11 (NIV)

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

~ John 13:34 (NIV)

To me, this means I need to love and serve the people in my spiritual communities. I consider my CoDA group part of my spiritual community. I need to love them the way God has loved me.

This also means, however, that I need to love myself the way God loves me. That means taking care of myself. This means giving myself a break. Juliet needs to be of service to herself. This means letting go of control. I did a bad job of that recently. I was trying to pay my land-line phone bill and the online bill pay through my bank was not working properly. This made me really mad. This was the only time I had that week to pay my bills. I didn’t want to have to remember to do this another time. My brain is crammed full of enough stuff already. So, while being angry and annoyed, I found myself rummaging through my garbage for the land-line phone bill envelope they give you so I could pay it the old-fashioned way — through the mail. Then I started to calm down as I registered my land-line, cell phone, and credit card to pay them on their own websites. Thank you God for putting that into my mind to pay them that way. It took more time than usual to pay my bills, but I got the job done. Thank you, God, that I have the money to pay my bills.

Positive Affirmations Regarding Abundance

1. I live in abundance and gratitude in that I have everything I need to sustain myself in this life.
2. I am abundance plentiful. I love abundance plentiful me.

I practiced service last year when I attended the funeral of the husband of a woman who used to attend my Quaker Meeting. I gave back to her. The family was appreciative. That’s giving back to others. That is what is right.

I am of service to my Quaker Meeting as well. I frequently arrive early to set up. I am also their recording clerk, make announcements on behalf of FCNL (the Friends Committee on National Legislation), serve on Ministry and C0uncil, and lead singing twice a month. I do this to give to God and to express my gratitude. Plus, God says we are to use our gifts and abilities in the service of God’s people. It is my duty to serve. I do it.

I used to fuss about doing so much and used to stress about leading singing. For one thing, I’m not an accompanist. Accompanists can transpose at the drop of a hat and sight-read anything, first time through, no problem, no mistakes. That’s not me. And for some reason, I seem to be allergic to capos (a device that raises the pitch of an instrument). Not really, but I have just never stopped and taken the time to really figure out how to use them. So I transpose on the spot from the hymnal. Since hymnals always seem to have songs in some ridiculously high key, I transpose a lot. And our Quaker Meeting uses a songbook to sing from, not a traditional hymnal. The difference is that a hymnal has all of the music notation in it for the song. This songbook (The Group Singing Songbook by P. Blood and A. Patterson) does not have that. Rather, it just has the lyrics and a quick outline of what the chords are. They do have teaching CDs that can be purchased to help a person learn the songs. I have purchased a few of these and have benefited from that. But if one puts all of these factors together, this accompanying business can be really frustrating. I do my best. I’m not perfect. I try. I give back. It is my God-given duty.

Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good.

~ I Corinthians, 12:7 (NIV)

So I have been given the gift of music to be able to give it back to my spiritual family. I have been given the gift of codependency to reach out to codependents everywhere.

When I’m struggling with my defects of character, being of service to others can help me to get out of my own way, out of the house, and on to other things — instead of obsessing about my problems. As with my over-responsibility and caretaking, getting out into the world and doing my service work gives me a break from worrying about my family of origin. It also helps me practice the principles and gets me back on track.

How does it do that? It helps me to put God first. I go to a meeting, for example, and read the 12 Steps. This reminds me that I am powerless over others. My life has become unmanageable. That right there whips me back into shape. Juliet is trying to control things she can’t control. Leading a meeting is great way to get me back on track. Reading the Steps, Promises, Traditions, and Welcome remind me of where I’ve been, where I’m at, and the direction in which I want to be headed. The direction I want to steer clear of is the codependent crazies.

The good news is that most of the time, after I’ve done service work, I am living in the moment, and focused on God and what he wants me to do. I am back in balance. Stepping away from my service work would send me into a caretaking spiral and all of those old bad habits would raise their ugly green heads. They would chase me around my cabin, trap me in the corner next to the mousetraps, and swallow me whole. Then the phone would start ringing and poor, overtired Juliet would feel like she HAD to answer the phone and caretake whomever is calling — instead of taking care of herself, grabbing dinner, relaxing a little bit, and going to bed and getting sleep.

Being the Intergroup treasurer is a lesson in the spiritual principle of perseverance. I’m not an accountant. Whatever training I’ve had in Excel, I’ve forgotten. I have to persevere, while practicing patience, kindness, compassion, willingness, forgiveness (mostly of myself and my mistakes), and gratitude. I am so grateful for this service work. Board meetings are like another CoDA meeting in some ways. I know I’m with my people and practicing my program. I am so grateful for my Intergroup. I interact with people with a lot of recovery time and it’s so very helpful and comforting in so many ways. I am not alone. I belong. I matter. I never in my whole life felt like I belonged to a group. I was always the loner, the outcast. I didn’t fit. The ugly duckling. Now I fit somewhere. I’m so grateful.

I was also of service to my online CoDA group a while back by holding a Group Conscience about the use of the symbol “!!” As discussed earlier, online meetings are conducted in a chat room. Thus, everything that people express is typed in. Sometimes symbols and abbreviations are used to cut down on typing time. The meaning of the symbol “!!” as it was typed in was meant to be symbolizing hands held in prayer. The person who typed it was responding to something someone “spoke” (wrote) during the meeting. The speaker objected to the use of the symbol. They considered it crosstalk. Crosstalk in CoDA meetings is when someone responds verbally or physically to someone’s share. Crosstalk is not allowed in meetings. Meeting members are supposed to sit quietly and listen without comment. Thus, when the person typed “!!” the speaker felt the person was responding to them. They also thought that the hands held in prayer violated their religious beliefs. Thus the purpose of the Group Conscience was to determine whether or not the use of the symbol would be allowed in the chat room during meetings.

I had to prepare for this. I read a great article in the Group Conscience section of the online CoDA forums on how to do Group Conscience. I thus posted and enforced the following rules:

Notes for Group Conscience

Tradition 1, Tradition 2, Tradition 4

1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon CoDA unity.
2. For our group purpose, there is but one ultimate authority — a loving Higher Power as expressed to our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.
3. Each group should remain autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or CoDA as a whole.^[3]
4. Wait to be recognized.
5. Each person may speak only once.
6. Each person will be given a time limit.
7. We are making a decision based on what Higher Power thinks is best for the group as a whole, not one person.
8. The decision is based on majority rule.
9. Crosstalk rules still apply. Say what is true for you. Avoid discussing others.

The group conscience went quite well. The group voted unanimously to not allow the use of the symbol “!!” and to consider it crosstalk. So I posted a note in the Group Conscience section of the online CoDA website, stating that for the Peeling the Onion meeting, use of the symbol “!!” would be considered crosstalk.

I was also of service to myself by saying no to hosting another meeting. Here’s how that came up. I had emailed the host of the relationships meeting to ask her about her knowledge of the above symbol (“!!”). She was not familiar with it. She emailed me back and said that she had to resign as host of the relationships meeting due to time constraints. She said she was praying for someone to take over hosting so the meeting didn’t have to close. I emailed her back saying I was full up with hosting the Peeling the Onion meeting and could not take on another meeting right now. Good for me.

I am of service to my sponsor by speaking to her once a week. I help her work her program and she helps me work mine. After we are done speaking, we both feel like we have been to a meeting. It is a gift from God. I learn so much from her experience, strength, and hope. She has a lot of recovery time so she has a lot of wisdom to share. I am grateful.

I am of service to others in CoDA by writing this book. I am reaching out to others and sharing my experience, strength, and hope.

It is very frustrating in program sometimes because people don’t volunteer to help, especially with online meetings. I can’t even get people to greet sometimes. A greeter welcomes people who come into the meeting (chat room) after the meeting has started. It involves clicking on their icon and typing a message in the pop-up window. I don’t know if meeting attenders just want to sit there and have the meeting served to them on a silver platter, if they feel they don’t have time to serve, or if they lack confidence in their ability to serve. I always try to give instructions ahead of time about how to do the service positions. Whatever the reasons are for not serving, it’s too bad because they won’t get the recovery benefits of being of service. I will because it’s going to help me heal from codependency.

I started the Basic Text Meeting I’m in because I needed to study the CoDA basic text. God spoke to me through the basic text, Co-Dependents Anonymous,^[4] one night when I was depressed about Zeb’s cancer. I was in such despair I didn’t know what to do. So I woke up the next morning, grabbed my basic text, and got on the treadmill. I saw myself on every page. It showed me that I was taking my caretaking and over-responsibility too far. Then I knew I needed to study this book again. So I started the meeting. I am giving to others and they are giving back. God speaks through all of us. Thank you, God.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• You are doing God’s work.
• Make everything you do in your life spiritual.
• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Before you go into a room, hold it in the Light of God.
• Use your inner wisdom.
• Relax and watch.
• You have a choice.
• You are only responsible for yourself.
• Treat it like the front page of the paper.
• Humans make mistakes; that’s okay.
• Change your “how high” habit. When someone says “jump,” I have a habit of saying “how high?” I don’t have to do what everyone else wants me to do anymore.
• Set boundaries for yourself.

I have Positive Affirmations that help me with my service:

• I do the best I can in everything I do, and that’s enough. I am a good person.
• Today everything God intends to accomplish in and through me shall be done.
• I listen to the Christ within that loves, guides, and strengthens me.
• All good in me comes from God.
• Let God’s will be done through me.
• Let life be willed through me.
• I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.

~ Ephesians 4:1 (NIV)

Additional practices I engage in when working the Principle of Service:

• More journaling: I journal as much as I need to in order to get the issues out of me.
• Worship: Through prayer and meditation, I search my soul for what is there before God. He helps me see it clearly.
• Music: I listen to and/or play Handel’s Messiah and Bach’s Sonatas and Partitas when I feel despair coming on.
• Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to get ready to do the service work that is in front of me.
• Documentation: I record my thoughts and revelations about my soul searching into a tape recorder and notate them later.
• Program literature: I read the Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA’s basic text), The Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions Workbook of Co-Dependents Anonymous (often called The 12 and 12) and other literature. God speaks to me in this way too.
• Scripture: Reading the bible every morning helps me to discern God’s will for me and helps to give me the strength to do His will. I memorize scripture when I need support.
• Attend meetings: Through sharing and listening at meetings, I hear God speak to me. This helps me to become ready to do service.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy does it,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” “Let go and let God” and “Turn it over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Step work: Doing step work helps me to relax, come back to center, and realize what is right and true for me. It works every time.
• Service work: I always feel better after doing service work. I know I’ve done something good by giving back and helping other people.
• Take a break: I am of service to myself when I become aware of how tired I am and that it is time to stop working. I am still learning how to do this.
• Let it go: I am of service to myself every time I give my life to God. I let go, trust Him, and move on. I consider that it is as it’s supposed to be at this moment and I always feel better.

^[1] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Peeling the Onion. Dallas, TX: CoRe Publications, 2007.

^[2] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous. Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 2009, p. iv.

^[3] Ibid., p. v.

^[4] Ibid.