Compulsiveness

I wasn’t even hungry but somehow I ate it all,

Searching for the ice cream.

Searching for the sweetness,

Searching for the numbness,

Begging for the exit, avoiding the truth,

Trying not to feel,

Frozen, dazed lump.

~ Searching for Numbness, by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2015, all rights reserved

I am much less compulsive with food than I used to be. I think the key for me is that I recognize now when I am upset about something and vulnerable to engage in emotional eating to numb myself out. I think this a direct result of practice in getting into the Observer. I become aware of what’s going on in my body, feelings, and brain and as a result steer myself away from the fridge and towards one of instruments, my song writing corner, or my book.

I am still compulsive with food around my family of origin. This is a long standing habit and survival tool with me when it comes to family. I met my sister Alice in San Diego for the holidays last year and found myself struggling with food. Thinking ahead, I had brought the Twelve Step Workbook of Overeaters Anonymous (OA) with me, and I answered some of the questions every night before bed. I also brought the current issues of OA’s Lifeline magazine and read them before bed too. In addition, my sister and I got a lot of exercise and engaged in fun activities like going to the zoo and to the beach. All of this helped me to keep my compulsive eating under control.

I am also more successful and diligent in using my recovery tools to keep me from binging. These anti-binging tools include:

• Going to Weight Watchers meetings
• Cooking all food ahead of time for the week
• Measuring and weighing my food
• Writing down everything I eat every day
• Reading Overeaters Anonymous and Weight Watchers literature,
• Exercising
• Eating foods that won’t trigger a binge (These are different for everyone, and I have a list of foods that I know I need to avoid.)
• Writing songs
• Chewing gum
• Working on my book
• Getting into bed with a good book

These things all help to keep me from binging. Sometimes I repeat a tool, like exercise. For example, I have already taken three walks today. Who cares? I don’t care. I do what works for me.

I also take care of myself when I travel by taking my food recovery tools with me. For example, when I went to the New England Yearly Meeting last summer, I bought a fridge and took it with me to the conference. I also brought most of the food I would need for the trip with me. I heated my food up in the microwave at the dorm. I brought my measuring cups, canned pumpkin, dishes, whatever I would need to stay on program. This helped me to stay binge-free and kept me from IBS attacks. It means hauling a lot of stuff around, but my serenity is worth it.

I am no longer compulsive with alcohol. I limit my use of this substance and am comfortable with how and when I use it.

I don’t know if I would still classify myself as a compulsive dieter. I follow a diet that is a combination of my Weight Watchers points plus diet and my IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) diet. As I stated above, I cook all my food ahead of time and portion it out for the week into little containers. I write down everything I eat. This is a part of the plan that works for me.

Rarely do I compulsively weigh myself like I used to in the past. I used to weigh myself multiple times in different parts of the house until I got the number I liked. If I didn’t get the number I liked, I would rage. This would often trigger an IBS attack, which would make my rage worse. Not a good plan. I can count maybe only two times in the past two or three years that I’ve weighed myself compulsively. This is progress. And when I do get obsessed with the number on the scale and feel like I can’t live another minute until it gives me the number I want, then I know I need to start using the tools.

Here is a journal entry from last summer when I was struggling with the numbers on the scale:

July 18, 2014

Scale really bad. Really upset. Too much olive oil. Steam only, no fat.

So what did I do to get out of this? I plugged in the tools.

I am still celibate and free of my compulsion with sex. In my last book, I spoke of my fear of being a sex addict when I was in my relationship with Brad, the man I dated after my divorce from Alex. I think I was addicted to sex with him because it was the only time, if ever, that he was intimate and loving to me. Then I could pretend that he really loved me, when I knew that he didn’t. That is codependency staring me right in the face.

The phone just rang while I was typing the previous paragraph. The caller-ID said that my phone was calling me. How is this possible? Maybe it is God talking to me. Maybe it’s God’s way of telling me that I hit the nail on the head.

God is going to fill that empty space inside of me. He is all I need. I don’t have to try to fill that space with food, alcohol, sex, or low weigh-ins. I have found the answer and it is God. Thank you, God.

This too shall pass. Easy does it. This won’t last forever. I will lose the weight.

Mantras that help me when I’m feeling compulsive:

• Where could I put my mind that’s not on this?
• I am powerless over this situation. I am powerless over my compulsiveness. My life has become unmanageable.
• Put the fork down and go do something else.
• Treat it like the front page of the paper.
• Humans make mistakes; that’s okay.
• Change your self-judgment habit.
• Juliet has a job to do. Juliet has to follow God and let go, make her music, paint, work her recovery program, and do her book. That’s what God wants.
• In this moment, I let go of what I can’t control.
• In the moment I let go and let God.
• Dear God, I give you my compulsiveness for my highest good.

Positive Affirmations that help me with compulsiveness:

• God and me fill that empty space inside of me.
• God doesn’t make junk. I am a perfect child of God just the way I am.
• I am beautiful inside and out.
• I am beautiful, thin, and a winner.
• I do my best to take care of myself and that is all I can expect of anyone, including myself.

Additional practices that help to me when I’m feeling compulsive:

• Reading: If I’m ever in the mood to be compulsive with food, it is at night, right before bed. Nothing gets me out of the fridge like a good book. The promise of reading in bed gets me away from the kitchen and into the wonderful world of literature. It works every time.
• Exercise: I put down the fork and go to the gym. I close the pretzel bag and go for a walk in Hopkins Forest (a beautiful wooded area near me that is a protected nature reserve). Swimming, walking, spinning, yoga, lifting, they all rid me of my compulsions.
• Step work: I get out my Overeaters Anonymous Twelve Step Workbook and work the steps when I’m in a compulsive mood. When I go on trips to see my family, I take the workbook with me.
• Program literature: I read the Overeaters Anonymous magazine, Lifeline, on a regular basis. I see myself in its pages. Reading the stories it shares always helps me to get back on my program. I read them when I’m on my treadmill and take issues of the magazine on trips.
• Attend meetings: Going to a Weight Watchers meeting is one of the best ways for me to get rid of my compulsive urges and get back on program. Sharing fears, struggles, and tools with others is a key to my success. I feel supported and victorious, not alone and out of control.
• Painting: I am an amateur artist. I work with oil paints. Painting is a tool I use to get myself away from food and into doing something creative and positive for myself.
• Music: I practice my instruments or write a song to get myself out of a compulsion and back into balance. It works every time.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy does it,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” “Let go and let God” and “Turn it over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Service work: Service work always helps me get out of a compulsive episode. I bring non-perishable foodstuff to the local food pantry every month and give financially to the Vermont Food Bank. Service work with CoDA and Quaker Meeting at the local and yearly levels also gets my mind off of my compulsions.