Rage

Let the child rage

Let her get it out

Yell and scream

Stamp your feet

Let it out

Rage underneath

Grit your teeth,

Pound and yell,

Cry out loud, but don’t forget to love

And dream

~ Let the Child Speak from Fearless Moral Inventory by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2010, all rights reserved

I still struggle with rage sometimes. Now and then exhaustion, stress, work, lack of time to myself, self-denial, self-blame, too much time in my car, and hormones can send me over the edge into rage. I have been working my program and I think my rage times are shorter and less intense. I now have a good set of tools in my recovery toolbox that I can pull out when rage strikes and they work really well for me. I can calm myself down and get back into balance.

Here are a couple of stories that exhibit recent rage attacks and how I handled them.

Daily Dose of Dislikes

Wait for the mail

Wait for the phone

Wait for a friend

Wait to be alone

Waiting for sound

Waiting for someone

To bring me around

Waiting in line

To lose my mind

What I might find

Insanity is mine

~ Waiting by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2010, all rights reserved

I just took my daily dose of dislikes. I take one every time I want to torture myself unnecessarily. Much of the time it involves making phone calls to my bank, credit card, phone company, or other automatic-frustration-available-here type of organizations. UGH! This daily dose of dislikes is a good example of how resentment and rage can go hand in hand.

So what’s going on with me today? What defect is emerging its ugly head? I am feeling resentful. Why? Because for the 40^th time I had to call the bank to try to get them to send me a reminder that the auto bill pay for a non-profit organization phone bill is going to happen. But they can’t send me the reminder. They can only send the old treasurer of the non-profit the reminder. However, I am now the new treasurer, so this is very frustrating. Now I’m not even clear if the auto bill pay is going to happen or not. It had better not because I just paid the bill.

So I have to remember when this bill is due. But remembering is beyond my capabilities. I can’t remember anything. It took a half-hour of my time to not get this done and most of that time was spent on hold. I am feeling very angry and resentful about it.

If it makes me resentful, it’s not a choice. Resentment leads to rage. So why did I bother calling? Unknown. Why don’t I just put a note on my own phone bill or calendar that says, “Don’t forget non-profit bill!” Cuz that is the only reminder I’m going to get.

How much will the bill be? I don’t know. I’ll have to guess. Maybe I’ll just pick a number out of a hat to decide how much to send them. This is very aggravating! It isn’t even clear to me why they won’t switch it from the old treasurer to me. They just said that since she is the one who opened the account, it has to be sent to her. This doesn’t make any sense to me.

Resentment and rage are my problem. I’m the one who called the bank. I knew what I was getting into with them. This is after calling another Internet utility company last night and getting someone from heaven knows where that I couldn’t understand who hung up on me. That was another winner. What a party. I can’t stand having this much fun!

Resentment. Frustration. Anger. Get it out. I have The Matrix Reloaded soundtrack on and they are screaming their lungs out. Awesome. That helps. I have my candles going. That helps. I’m journaling, typing, spilling my guts, working on my book. That helps too. Breathe. It’s okay. Just get over this hump. It’ll be okay. God loves you. Keep writing.

Bruises by Unloco is my new favorite song. This is the stuff!!! He is screaming his lungs out. He is helping me express myself. Yes! Go boy go!!!

Listening to this music really helps when I’m frustrated. Wailing on my punching bag at the same time is even better.

The poor bank lady. I feel bad for her. God bless the bank lady. It’s not her fault that this process is just a waste of time. I wish I had been nicer to her. I knew how the conversation was going to end when I started so what was the point? I knew she was going to come back and say she couldn’t help me. God please bless the bank lady. She really tried hard to help me. I hope she talks to nicer people than me.

That’s it, Unloco, scream some more about your bruises. Let it out. Thank you for helping.

I am expressing my rage and trying to let go of my resentments. After all, I did it to myself.

And see this stuff totally works for me. I listened to Bruises by Unloco about ten times. Then I listened to the entire Matrix Reloaded soundtrack. I lit some candles and wrote on my computer about how I’m feeling. I wrote and wrote and wrote. And now I’m calm. Now Unloco has taken a refreshments break and Brahms is helping me out with his String Quartet #1 Opus 88 in F. Thanks Brahms!