The Inner Child and Doris

There was a time in my life when I was having problems with my friend Doris. During that week, I engaged in a lot of obsessive behavior. It was a very, very painful time for me. So in that time I spent time doing visioning work with my inner child in an effort to heal.I had just received a very upsetting email from Doris. I had an incredible urge to go back to my old habit of engaging the following Juliet’s Codependency Patterns:

• I am not conscious of my own moods. I am conscious of your moods.
• If you’re happy, I’m happy.
• Your moods and actions are my fault.
• If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.
• I am inclined to diminish, change, or refute my moods.
• Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong.
• I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.
• I shower you with favors and pleasures to make you stay.
• My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
• I shove my morals under the carpet to be with you.
• Please don’t get mad at me. I’ll do or be whatever you say.
• Please don’t get mad at me. I’ll feel however you want me to feel.
• I am less than.^[1]

The following Juliet’s Feelings Patterns were also knocking at my door:

• This is all my fault. I did something wrong.
• They are right. I am wrong.
• They are going to abandon me.
• They are going to reject me.
• I don’t deserve good things.
• I am less than.
• I am ashamed.
• I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever.^[2]

But thanks be to God, He got me out of that computer chair and sent me upstairs to my altar. I contacted the inner child and the inner teen.

Here’s the conversation I had with my inner child, inner teen, and Christ during this difficult time:

The children are sitting on the curb, swaying back and forth, their heads in their hands. Both the teen and the child are crying.

I stand nearby. I look like a duplicate of the inner teen in this vision.

Teen (now looking down): I’m bad.

Child (looking at me): I’m bad and I hurt her. I’m bad. I need to write back.

Doris barges in.  I tell her to leave and close the door after her.

I rub my inner children’s backs.

Me: It’s okay. I love you. I will never leave you.

Doris tries to interrupt again.  Once more, I tell her to leave, but she ignores me.

Me: I will not react, I will not react.

Instead, I tell Doris to leave another time. This time she does.

The children and I are hugging and holding each other. Hugging and holding each other some more.

Me: What do you want me to do?

Child: I don’t want to be bad.

 
Me: You’re not bad.

Child: I hurt her.

Me: You didn’t mean it.

Doris barges in again.

Me: Leave!

The two children have stopped crying and they are looking up at me.

Note that Doris barges into my vision repeatedly. I know now that she represents my father. This probably has little to do with her, although it has been my experience of her that she can behave in aggressive and controlling ways sometimes. For example, crossing my boundaries, by calling later than I like, manipulating situations to achieve desired outcomes, etc. I do not blame or judge her for any of this.

Me to the children: What do you want to do?

Child: Let’s give it to God, have dinner, and go to bed. It’s late.

I ask the teen what she thinks.

Teen: I want to throw up, I feel horrible. This is horrible.

The teen holds her stomach, while rocking back and forth.

Teen: I want respect. Nobody respects me.

Me: I respect you, God respects you. Let’s focus on God.

Teen: I feel like I don’t matter. I don’t count. I don’t count to Doris. You have to make me matter. I don’t matter. I don’t matter. I don’t matter.

Me: Of course, you matter. You matter to me and to God. God loves you just the way you are.

Child: Let’s go home. Let’s give this to God.

The teen stops rocking back and forth and nods her head in agreement.

Me: I agree. Let’s give it to God, eat, and go to bed, okay?

Me: Jesus, please be the center of my life. Please show me what to do.

Jesus to me: Let go Honey, let go. (He is looking into my eyes.) Let go. I’ll tell you what to say when the time is right.

He is kicking his sandal against a post, to remind me of the following bible verse that pertains to this situation:

If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.

~ Matthew 10:14 (NIV)

Me: Dear God, I give you my life. Please help, Jesus.

We all hug.

Me: We are a team, right? We are a team, right? Will you get me through tomorrow, Jesus?

Jesus: Yes, my love. Walk by faith, not by sight. Go do your stuff.

As I mentioned, during this vision my friend Doris kept barging in. I would have to put her behind a steel door and kick her out of my vision. She would also barge in on me during regular activities during the day. I would kick her out of the pool, spin class, out of my prayer time. It was an obsession, my obsession, my issue. My feelings are my responsibility and mine alone. Gradually she stopped barging in on us. She went away. The child started to be more comfortable and began focusing on other things. This inner child visioning is very, very helpful for me. My child feels like she is heard, love, respected and safe. I, in turn, am able to love myself more an and engage in more positive, self loving behavior.

^[1] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.

^[2] Ibid.