Face-to-Face with My Inner Critic (Music Heals Me Again)
My angel has fallen
The serpent is callin’
He’s ready to swallow me whole
~ Third World Station from Beloved
by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 1991, all rights reserved
In my first book, Everything Is My Fault, One Woman’s Journey through Codependency and on my musical recording Fearless Moral Inventory, I address a problem I had in my home with mealy worms. You know those tan little worms that can get into your flour or dog food or whatever. I had tons of them. I had just moved into a log cabin in the woods. Believe me, they were not the only critters to move in.
Anyway, the mealy worms became so numerous that I didn’t know what to do. So I asked the advice of another local person, who said I probably had a mouse’s nest somewhere and I needed to find it and clean it out.
How did I find the nest? I found a suspicious pile of mouse droppings, bird seed and other disgusting, unidentifiable matter in a little pile on my basement floor. I looked up and right above me were all of my bathroom pipes. I had heard that mice travel through the walls around where the pipes are. So I tore out the drywall behind my bathroom sink and, sure enough, behind the bathroom wall there was a mouse’s nest. It was so gross. This nest contained bird seed, dog food (from the last owner I guess, I don’t have a dog), insulation, paper, mouse droppings, mealy worms, and who knows what else. Gross! I cleaned it out and repaired the drywall and paint.
My therapist and I had decided that just about everything I go through in my life should become a song. Thus I began to do research on worms, their meaning, and mythological history. I learned that another word for worm is dragon. Thus came my songs, Midgard (although Midgard is actually the home of the dragon that I refer to in “Replace the Face,” I named my dragon Midgard because I liked the name better[1]) and My Mighty Warrior (The Linton Worm) – (this “worm” was a snake/dragon type creature who lived on Linton Hill and terrorized the area years ago[2]). I also did some artwork around them. I like these songs and often sing them at my concerts.
Very recently I was speaking with my therapist about my inner critic and how he was really hammering on me about some mistakes I had made at a concert. I had not been able to let it go.
She suggested that I give the critic an image, maybe of an animal. Then I remembered the painting I had done a few years back of a dragon swallowing me. At the time I created it, I had decided that the dragon must actually represent my inner critic. She suggested that I ask him what he wants, who gave him his job, and try to make friends with him.
All of a sudden, the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I remembered all of the songwriting and artwork that I had done about this dragon. But now I know why the worms were in my life, and what they led me to discover, which is the dragon. Now the dragon’s purpose has been revealed. He is my inner critic. I had portrayed myself as his victim but had not identified him as my critic. I had identified him as my defect of obsessiveness. Having him as my inner critic makes much more sense to me.
My art and music had set the stage for what would happen later in my life. That is, God talking to me. That is Spirit actively working in my life. God was working inside me to fix my relationship with the inner critic. The process was all started with those mealy worms. It developed as I expressed myself through poetry, song, and art. This is so overwhelming to me that I almost stop breathing just thinking about it.
Here are some selections from the lyrics of these two songs Midgard and My Mighty Warrior (The Linton Worm). Some of these lyrics are sprinkled elsewhere in the book:
Midgard
Out they come
My worms
They’re here
Blame, obsession,
Self-hate and fear
It’s time to weed this wormwood
From my fruitful brain
For years
Under your scrutiny
Your mind was wrapped
Around yourself
But Thor is here
And she is crying mutiny
And Midgard shows his face again
I sure don’t see him as my friend
I am surrounded
There is no end
Your help you send
And Midgard follows me again
I must dig deep to reach the end
I am obsessed I must transcend
Again
He’s bearing down but I defend
My digging trains me to transcend
I kiss his face, he is my friend
My soul God mends.
~ From Fearless Moral Inventory by Juliet A. Wright
copyright 2010, all rights reserved
My Mighty Warrior (The Linton Worm) not in TOC
He chases me
Throughout the day and night
Breathing lies
Until I think he’s right.
Why must we endure this test
Can’t it just be laid to rest
And finally
Set us free.
Where are you?
When I need you most?
My mighty warrior
When will you save me
From this wicked worm
That tortures my soul
Bring it under control
In my frail canoe I cross his fire
To find the strength to call him a liar
And follow the song in my heart
Where are you?
When I need you most?
My mighty warrior
When will you save me
From this wicked worm
That tortures my soul
Bring it under control
~ From Fearless Moral Inventory by Juliet A. Wright
copyright 2008, all rights reserved
My inner critic breathes lies to me all the time, just like the song says. I don’t have to listen to him.
It has really helped me to give my inner critic an image. Writing songs about him has been especially healing. Painting pictures of him has also really helped me to identify him, separate him from myself, and defuse his power. Doing this work has also helped me to increase my awareness of when I move into acting out certain defects of character, such as low self-esteem and obsessiveness. I will continue writing songs and doing art around my defects of character and my inner critic. It’s helping me heal.
In previous parts of this book, I have identified my inner critic as my father and I am not contradicting that. This is another way of looking at the same issue. The inner critic is my father, but giving him the face and persona of the dragon is another way for me to interact with him, perhaps defuse him, make him my friend. That way, I can put his critical spirit to rest like I did through the Replace the Face Panel Series. Obviously this work has many layers to it and takes time. I have done multiple inventories on my dad. I consider the Replace the Face Panel Series to be a kind of inventory in a way, as I’m working through personal issues to determine my feelings, actions, and behaviors.
To see the painting of me and my inner critic, visit my website at www.hiddenangel.net.
Things I can do to disarm my inner critic:
- Give him an image, such as an animal or creature.
- Paint or draw a picture of him.
- Write songs about him and how he makes me feel.
- Ask him questions, such as “What do you want?” “Who sent you here?” “What is your job?” and “What do you need?”
- Tell myself that his words are lies and I don’t have to believe them.
These conversations with the inner critic are new work for me to do. I look forward to doing this work and seeing the results.
[1] McCoy, Dan. “Midgard,” last accessed August 27, 2015. http://norse-mythology.org/cosmology/the-nine-worlds/midgard.
[2] Firstfoot.com. “The Linton Worm,” last accessed on August 27, 2015. http://www.firstfoot.com/scotchmyth/lintonworm.htm.
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