TAKE THIS MOMENT

One of the most beneficial lessons I have learned through working my program is that all I have is this moment and I need to cherish that. In the following journal entry, I explore this idea.

It’s Not All or Nothing

I used to be an “all or nothing” black and white thinker. Either it was all bad or all good. I need all of Sunday off or I need this or that or I won’t be happy. Now every moment that I get that is softer and easier is a blessing from God. If I can just take it moment-by-moment and not have it be “all or nothing,” I’ll be doing okay. I’ll be making progress.

Take today for example. I had a great Quaker Meeting for worship and stayed awake through the whole thing. As a result, I had a really good day. Then I had a great session with my sponsor. Good recovery is taking place. Alice called after 8 pm and I still answered the phone. I was kind and sweet and wanted to talk to her. I stared at my Tanglewood picture the whole time and took myself there in my mind. I heard the soft breeze sifting through the trees and felt it on my face, grateful for its cooling effects after a hot day. As if at Tanglewood, I smelled the bug spray that I had applied amply to my body to protect me from vicious bugs. I could hear the Emerson String Quartet playing Mozart’s String Quartet #15 in D Minor. Good stuff. I did good.

What I am learning is that this life is not “all or nothing.” It’s about moments. Every moment that I get that is pain-free, obsession-free, and worry-free, in which I am accepting and going with whatever is happening, is a good one. Every instant that is not catastrophic, heart-pounding, or stuffed with that gut-aching despair and sadness is a gift. Every time I follow up a negative thought with a positive thought is a victory.

Recently, at our annual Quaker Sessions, we were asked to let there be “no more weeping and wailing.” Let’s just truly experience and accept where we are at today. Let us be joyful even with the tensions that exist in our lives because ultimately God listens and we listen.

I need to cherish this moment. It’s all I have. Some moments are joyful, some are very, very sad. Some make my heart race. Some are peaceful. When I’m sitting out on the porch of my Vermont cabin listening to the brook babble below, that is a peaceful moment. That is my own piece of heaven. I will focus on that.

If what it took was my dear brother-in-law getting sick with brain cancer to get me to learn to live in the moment that is pretty sad. But at least I’m getting to the point where I’m not always thinking, “This is what’s going to happen tomorrow and that is happening next week.” That is progress. This moment is good. This moment is fine. I can deal with it.

The future is a loosely knit sweater that could be pulled out at any time. Let’s just live for today. Make loose plans for the future. Just for today I’m going to do this. Just for this moment, I will have God write my book for me. Just for today, I will work on my book first before practicing. Live in the moment. That is the answer.

It’s time to abandon the idea that I have any clue about what the future holds. Holding tightly to any fixed point in space that’s in the future is futile.

I will strive to live in this instant and to bring joy there. I don’t know what the next 5 minutes are going to bring. But I know in this moment I can take in everything that’s happening and find a way to be joyful and thankful to God for it. It’s not “all or nothing” forever; it is this moment and that’s all.

Thank you, God.