IT  REALLY IS TRUE

My jaw dropped as I read the list.  I saw myself in every entry.  I had tears rolling down my face.  I felt my stomach tighten.  It really was all my fault.  I was really sick.  Brad was right.  I was responsible for everything that had gone wrong between us.  Everything everywhere was my fault.  How would I ever recover?

Here is the list I read (presented with further refinements to my own patterns):

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns1

I am not conscious of my own moods, I am conscious of your moods.

If you’re happy, I’m happy.

Your moods and actions are my fault.

If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.

It’s difficult for me to recognize my moods or articulate them.

I am inclined to diminish, change, or refute my moods.

If you like me, I like me.

If you think I’m good, I think I’m good.

I ignore and ditch all my other friends as you are the center of my world.

I don’t know what I need, I focus on what you need.

I like to do whatever you like to do. What I like to do isn’t important.

Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong. 

I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.

I shower you with favors and pleasures to make you stay.

My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.

I shove my morals under the carpet to be with you.

Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll do or be whatever you say.

Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll feel however you want me to feel.

I think I have to be perfect and so do you.  Nothing less will do.

I am less than.

The recovery facility that was treating Mom for alcoholism had a family weekend that all family of origin members were encouraged to attend. They sent preparatory materials for me to look over before my arrival.  In the packet was information about Codependency, including the patterns list. 

I read the list sitting in my car in the parking lot of the Hollywood Presbyterian Church waiting for a music teachers meeting to start. I cried when I realized I was reading about myself.  This was me!  Every single trait on the sheet described how I relate to people.  Wow! There was so much wrong with me. 

How I felt about myself in almost every relationship and situation could be summed up by the following list:

Juliet’s Feelings2

This is all my fault, I did something wrong.

They are right, I am wrong.

They are going to abandon me.

They are going to reject me.

I don’t deserve good things.

I am less than.

I am ashamed.

I’m bad and now everyone knows it.  I’ll be alone forever.

Different from everyone

I am only worth what I accomplish.

I’m not good enough to be here.

This is my story. 

I am writing down this story in an effort to understand my history.  I need to know and understand where I’ve been so that I can figure out where I am and where I’m going. 

I have decided to look at my codependency as it manifests itself in my relationships with my family of origin, school friends and acquaintances, close friends, romantic partners and within social situations.   Names have been changed to protect the anonymity of those involved.

I began to write this book in an effort to get all of my recovery and therapy notes in one place so I could refer to it when it’s needed.  Therefore, in addition to the relationship material discussed above, this document also includes information about my defects of character as well as my program of recovery. 

All of the techniques, exercises, processes and literature contained herein are all part of my program that is helping me heal.  My hope is that others reading this will gain insights from it about their own recovery. 
 

My name is Juliet and I am a codependent.

1. Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.
2. Ibid.