Early Memories of a Ham

I started my music career in the first grade when I got a solo in the Christmas show at Stockbridge Central School. I don’t remember what I sang. I think I was always a ham though.

When my sister and I had our first dance recital, I saw Dad in the audience, so I stopped and said, “Hi Daddy,” and waved to him. Everyone laughed.

I used to play Karen Carpenter songs on my guitar for my seventh-grade friends and I think they liked it. 

I was the Artful Dodger in the musical Oliver Twist eighth grade and did well in the role. I never missed a line.

I played “Cold as Ice” by Foreigner to Greg Carpenter, my first guitar teacher, but was too shy to sing.

By the time I got to the Arts Academy, the private music high school I attended, I would develop stage fright to such an extent that I could barely play.

These were my earliest memories of codependent behaviors.

Juliet’s codependency patterns:

I am not conscious of my own moods. I am conscious of your moods.

If you like me, I like me.

If you think I’m good, I think I’m god.

My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.

I think I have to be perfect and so do you. Nothing less will do.

I am less than.

Juliet’s Feelings:

This is all my fault. I did something wrong.

They are right. I am wrong.

They are going to abandon me.

They are going to reject me.

I don’t deserve good things.

I am less than.

I am ashamed.

I am bad and now everyone knows it.

I’ll be alone forever.

Different from everyone.

I am only worth what I accomplish.

I’m not good enough to be here.