Other Mom Games
Mom did not limit her badgering of me to just food. She would get on me for other things too.
For example, let’s say I planned to take a flight to go home, but the weather called for a snowstorm. Mom would totally press my buttons about that, and I would react right on cue.
“Now you probably won’t get out of town. Your flight will be cancelled so you might as well get used to it.”
Then when I’d wig out, she’d say, “Are you going to win the prize for worry wart? Are you going to win the prize for drama queen? What are you getting so upset about?”
These statements lay blame. I’d get defensive and snap back. And she knew that was how it would play out. Why do people do that to each other?
Mom and I did not do well in the car together, either. I would hand her the directions so she could read them to me, but then she couldn’t read them right. So then I would turn onto the wrong street.
“Well, shoot, this isn’t right,” I’d say. Then I’d take the directions in my own hands and try to figure out where in the blazes we were.
Then when we got to our destination, she would complain about me.
“Julie started bawling me out,” she’d say. See? From my point of view, she did this on purpose.
She always enjoyed comparing me to my father. She knew it would totally send me flying. And of course it worked like a charm. I would react just as she planned.
When I was younger, it was worse. She would sit in the passenger seat while I was driving and nitpick at me nonstop until I snapped. One time I got so full of rage that I slammed on the brakes of her brown Mercedes right in the middle of the road and the car skidded. Mom got really mad at me and told me she wouldn’t let me drive anymore. I guess I wasn’t acting like the perfect little soldier then was I? The whole scene felt like one big manipulation. Let’s pick at Juliet until she explodes, won’t that be fun? She’s just like her father.
Sometimes, however, she was really intuitive and sweet.
She took me shopping the Christmas after my divorce and bought me some really pretty, very expensive jeans. I felt bad about her spending so much money on me.
“I would buy you the world if I thought it could take away one ounce of the pain of this divorce.” That was very sweet of her.
That same night, however, she retreated to her bedroom, pretending to watch something on television that I didn’t want to watch, so she could drink instead of spending time with me. It’s times like those that I felt she shut me out.
After I broke up with Brad, she gave me a new watch. (When I was dating Brad, he had given me a nice watch for Christmas.) Mom said she didn’t want me to have to look at a watch every day that had been given to me by him. How very intuitive of her. Thanks Mom!!!!
That was really nice and it felt good. I really appreciated it.
Juliet’s Codependency Patterns Present in Mom Games
Your moods and actions are my fault.
If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.
Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong.
I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.
My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll do or be whatever you say.
Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll feel however you want me to feel.
I think I have to be perfect and so do you. Nothing less will do.
I am less than.
[1] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.
Juliet’s Feelings
This is all my fault, I did something wrong.
They are right, I am wrong.
They are going to abandon me.
They are going to reject me.
I don’t deserve good things.
I am less than.
I am ashamed.
I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever.
Different from everyone
I am only worth what I accomplish.
I’m not good enough to be here.
[1] Ibid.
Now that I am in recovery, if I were in the same situations with her again, I would handle it differently. I would give her comments, opinions and feelings back to her. They are about her, not me. This would probably create conflict, which is something that I have always run from, due to my fear of abandonment and fear of rejection. But since we are all different people, we are never going to agree on everything. Conflict is a part of any human relationship. So I would stick up for myself. It probably would have worked out fine. Maybe this is practice for future relationships.
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