Spin You Codependent, Spin!

Why aren’t I pretty, long arms, big feet

Shame on me, admit defeat

With your fantasy, I can’t compete

It’s perfect

~Expectations, by Juliet A Wright,

copyright 2009, all rights reserved.

In this entry I describe a recent experience I had in a Spin Class while on vacation. My low self esteem kicked in and I felt less than. My CoDA tools helped me get back into a positive, self–accepting state of mind.

I took a spin class today. I was in La Jolla, CA, where I met my sister for Christmas vacation. The class took place in a Spin Studio. There was dark lighting and a bunch of bikes crammed into a small space. There were many perfectly fit beach-ready 20 something’s surrounded me on their bikes clad perfect spin wear. The music was loud and pumping with the latest dance tunes blasting through the latest high tech speakers.

Instantly this 50-year-old codependent felt inadequate.

Juliet‘s feelings and codependency patterns:

I am less than

I don’t deserve to be here.

I’m not good enough to be here.

I felt like bawling. What a fraud I am. What am I doing here? I don’t belong here! I belong in Vermont stacking wood or maybe, at most, at my tiny little spin class in North Adams where I fit in a little better.
I couldn’t understand one thing the instructor was saying other than the occasional gear number, or “up, down.”   It reminded me of being in a rock club and watching a band sing when you can’t understand one single lyric.

“How did you like the band?” someone might ask.
“ I have no idea, I couldn’t understand what they were saying.”

I chose to try out these special spinning sneakers that had clips on the bottom. The clips hook to the pedals in some tortuous attempt to keep you from running away, kind of like Kevin Bacon’s shoe lace tied him to the tractor to keep him from jumping off the tractor in Footloose.

Somehow I guess they are supposed to make your legs work harder. Don’t get me wrong; I’m all for working hard. I’ve been eating since I got here and I feel like a beached elephant seal. Plus my digestion isn’t working because I’m no longer accustomed to the strong west coast coffee. So that’s not helping either. Sigh.

So what was I doing there? I wasn’t good enough, fit enough, young enough, and pretty enough to be there. I wasn’t enough. I was only me.

Then I saw a woman in front of me who was kind of doing her own thing. She wasn’t necessarily following the teacher or anyone else. She was just going at her own pace, doing her own thing.
So maybe I can be like her, I thought. Maybe all I can do is by best. I don’t have to live up to the perfect, thin, blonde beach 20 something anymore.
It reminded me of living In LA, and having to look and be a certain way just to survive there. LA is a very superficial place where looks are everything. It doesn’t matter if you are a nice person, a Godly person or anything like that. All that matters is what you look like.

In the music business it mattered that you looked good enough to turn people on. Your job was to get them to buy drinks, dance, meet someone, go home, get lucky and come back and do it again. We sold sex and booze. That was our job.

I don’t fit that bill anymore.
Then I realized all I have to do is be myself.

I’m enough for that.
I’m no longer bleach blonde. My knees sag. I remember a bar customer coming up to me one night and telling me how ugly my knees were and could I please cover them up.
But all I have to do is be myself. I am a beloved child of God just because I’m me. I don’t need to fit into anyone else’s mold.

I need to do what God is telling me to do. I need to do what is in front of me. That means to practice my violin and work on my book.

The spin class did end.

This too shall pass.

No one laughed or pointed a finger at me.

I exercised.

I was enough for me.
I was enough in that moment.

I was probably only less than in my own mind.

Working my CoDA program has taught me to use the slogans and positive affirmations when my inner critic starts going nuts. It has taught me to recognize my defects and codependency patterns and change my behavior. In this case my low self-esteem was running rampant.

I feel better about myself when I go to meetings, read program literature say my slogans, and positive affirmations.
Doing this keeps this stuff in my brain so I can reference it during moments like this. It can be referenced to remind me that I am enough.

Positive affirmations:
I am enough.

I am a beloved child of God just because I exist.

I am doing the best I can in this moment and that is all I can expect from anyone, including myself.

God loves me just the way I am.
Slogans:
This too shall pass.

Let go and let God.
Act as if.

Turn it over.

However I can do it in that moment, it’s enough.

That is recovery.