Twist You Codependent, Twist!

He wonders if she’ll ever get it right

Lonelyhearts will you start tonight

Wonder if she’ll ever see the light inside herself.

~ Lonelyhearts by Juliet A. Wright

Copyright 2010, all rights reserved

We are hard on others, but the person we are hardest on is ourselves. In this story, I describe an experience in a yoga class and how I still suffered from low self-esteem and an overactive inner critic. But I did better than I had the day before in spin class.

So today was Day 2 of Juliet out amongst the 20-something beautiful people of the world. I was taking a flow yoga class in luscious La Jolla while I was on vacation. At least there were a few more people who looked like they were my age than in the spin class I had taken two days before.

The room was packed with people, which meant, at times, that someone’s feet were in your face. At least they were clean and didn’t smell. I was surrounded by people who were remarkably adept at twisting themselves into an amazing pretzel and then balancing on one foot. So adept, I am not.

I did my best. I was not as intimidated as I was in spin class. I still didn’t have the right clothes. I was wearing my baggy, slightly unattractive light green sweatpants and a purple Vermont t-shirt that didn’t match. I had no makeup on and my hair was back in a braid in an attempt to hide the scalping I’d received at a barber shop the previous day. Okay, so he didn’t scalp me, but he cut at least 3-4 inches off, which was more than I wanted. I had asked for a trim. I had agreed to two inches, not three. It actually seems like more than three. So now I can’t look in the mirror for at least two weeks until it grows out a little bit. This too shall pass. My hair will grow.

“Put a hat on and forget it,” my mom would say.

So, back to yoga. I did my best. I stretched, twisted, balanced, downward dogged, up dogged, cameled, bull posed, proud warriored, and did a lot of prayer pose in more ways than one. The small, thin, dark-eyed instructor wore perfect makeup and yoga attire. She seemed to be very gentle and kind. A couple of times she came over and gently adjusted my poses. She kept reminding us to breathe, which is great because I tend to forget to do that, especially when I’m really concentrating on something. She was a wonderful teacher. She even threw some meditation into the mix, which completely agreed with my Quaker self.

I sometimes lost my balance and became self-conscious. My inner critic called me a klutz.

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns at work:

I am less than.

• I’m not good enough to be here.
• I don’t deserve to be here.

 Juliet’s feelings patterns:

I am less than.

• I don’t deserve to be here.
• I am different than everyone else.

Positive Affirmations:

I am good enough to be here.

• I am worthy of love just because I exist.
• I am trying my best, which is all I can ask of anyone, including myself.
• I don’t have to be perfect.
• It’s okay to make mistakes every

 I don’t have to listen to my inner critic. All he does is make my low self-esteem escalate to gigantic proportions. I can tell him to go away. I did that at this yoga class.

Even if I’m not perfect, it’s okay for me to be around people who are. And the reality is that they’re not really perfect either; I just think they are. So I can tell my perfectionism to take a hike, along with my low self-esteem. I can take my spider-veined, saggy kneed, gray rooted, page boy haired, geeky dressed body into a yoga class full of beautiful, pretzel twisted hard bodies and still love myself just because I’m me.

Who knows. Maybe my presence will make them feel better about themselves. I hope so. They’re probably criticizing themselves the way I do myself.

If the sharing of my experiences helps just one person, it’s worth it. Even if that person is me. That is recovery.