Forgiveness

Forgiveness

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

~ Ephesians 4:32

But with you there is forgiveness,

So that we can, with reverence, serve you.

~ Psalm 130:4

Forgiveness has really been on my mind lately. It has been on my mind in relation to myself. It is a vital, fundamental spiritual principle. Without it, I cannot lead a healthy spirit-filled life. I must be able to forgive others and myself. Otherwise, my grudges will turn me into a dark, gnarled mess. Forgiveness comes directly out of my step work.

To me forgiveness means that I am releasing the anger, resentment and blame that I feel towards someone or myself for a wrong that has been done against me. I let it all go and move forward.

The principle of forgiveness is related to Step 9.

Step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.[1]

The Lord’s Prayer asks the Lord to forgive us the way we forgive others.

     And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.

~ Matthew 6:12

Saying I’m sorry is one of the easiest, yet hardest things for me to do. It’s easy in that I have the defect of over-responsibility and think everything is my fault, so of course I have to say I’m sorry for everything I’ve done wrong, which is everything. I say I’m sorry a lot. I always have. What makes saying I’m sorry difficult is the fear of abandonment and fear of rejection that come with saying I’m sorry and making amends with someone.
Since I’ve been in program, I have learned that part of making amends is changing one’s behavior. Part of that change, for me, is coming face to face with what I’ve done and the person I’ve done it to, say I’m sorry and make an effort to change.

Based on what the Lord’s Prayer says, if I don’t forgive others, that God shouldn’t forgive me. Not good. I want forgiveness. So I have to give forgiveness if I want to receive it in return.
How do I know if I’ve forgiven someone? Well, if I’m still crabbing about something someone has done to me, that probably means I’m still ticked off about it. That means I’m probably harboring resentments about whatever it is I think they did to me. In my mind, it means I haven’t truly forgiven them.
So this means that if God forgives me the way I’ve forgiven that parent Jenny for hurting my feelings at a concert recently, then he hasn’t forgiven me. I obviously haven’t forgiven the parent because I’m still complaining about their behavior and thinking negative thoughts about it. I’m harboring a grudge.

I have done extensive step work in regards to my mother and father. I have looked at these relationships through the lenses of relationship inventories, defects of character inventories, and codependency patterns. This step work has helped me to heal these relationships, even though they have both passed on. Completing my Step 9 and making amends with my parents further helped me heal these relationships. Although my father made his transition in 2003, I feel I was able to make amends and heal this relationship through step work, prayer, meditation, journaling, and therapy after he died. I did a Step 9 with my mother before she passed away and much healing was accomplished as a result.

This step work has enabled me to forgive my parents for all of the unhealthy behaviors and lack of nurturing in my life. My hard work has enabled me to let go of the anger and resentment that I once felt toward them. They did the best they could. Their lives were turned upside down by many incidents, including disbarment, addiction, miscarriages, and infidelity. As a child, I was caught up in that and wasn’t in the position to stick up for myself or correct anything.
Resentment is a dangerous feeling that weights one down with darkness that can be life-long and harmful. I carried the bag of bricks of resentment for a long time. Thank heavens, I got into recovery and learned I could put that bag of bricks down. My childhood was filled with fear, doubt, pain, self-blame, shame, loneliness, and a terrible lack of a strong spiritual foundation. I was taught to look without f0r all of my approval, self-worth, love, and acceptance. Since I didn’t get that at home, I looked to my peers at school, boys, food, academic success, physical beauty, and success in extracurricular activities – such as music and horse showing. Nothing filled that empty space inside.

My mother tried to fill the empty space inside with alcohol. Dad filled it with power, control, and other women. I chose food. It didn’t work for any of us.

I grant pardon to my mother for drinking and not being a good Mom sometimes. She was hurting and did the best she could.
I grant pardon to my father for yelling at me about how fat I was in that restaurant (covered in the first book). He was in pain too and was taking it out on me. He was shattered by the loss of his career.

I forgive Brad (a man I dated who I discuss in the first book) for being controlling, manipulative, and self-serving. I know everything that happened between us happened for a reason and for our highest good. My relationship with him was one of the primary relationships in my life that brought me to CoDA and for that I am grateful.

I forgive Alex (my ex-husband; covered in first book) for having a change of heart and wanting out of our marriage. Our relationship has gone through a lot of healing and amends since I wrote my last book. I am very, very grateful to God for this. My friendship with Alex has grown a lot since we made amends and I very happy about that.

I absolve Betty (a friend) for not emailing me back six years ago when I sent her that beautiful email in which I poured out my heart to her. I accept that she was at a place where she felt her boundaries needed to be established a little farther out than I would have liked.

Forgiveness requires letting go. It requires that I let go of what I want. It requires that I accept where the person is at and stop trying to change that. It also obliges me to take care of myself.

When I need to forgive someone for something, the background is that I probably have not gotten something from him or her that I felt I wanted or deserved. It could also mean that I feel that I got treated poorly when I didn’t deserve that.

Sometimes this treatment is not on purpose. Often the person does not even realize they are doing it. And besides that, it’s not being done to me. Much of the time, the person is just reaching out or expressing themselves, trying to rid themselves of stress, extreme sadness, panic, or despair. When this happens to me, nine times out of ten, the timing doesn’t work for me. So then I get mad at them like they are doing something bad to me. Then I try to forgive them. But they didn’t do anything. For instance, I’m the one who answered the phone late at night and let the person’s sadness get all over me.

What happens is that I take on the other person’s feelings. I feel what they feel and want to fix them. This is my over-responsibility and caretaking. This is how I harm myself. In cases like this, I need to disengage, detach, give the person back their problems, and go take care of myself. This happened a lot with my sister during my brother-in-law’s illness. This behavior pattern caused me a lot of distress. I do this kind of thing to myself; I am aware of this. I need to forgive myself for being a caretaker, and start detaching and taking care of myself.

Sometimes, as was the case with Brad, I was manipulated, which caused a lot of confusion, suffering, self-blame, and shame. The manipulation in that relationship also led me to engage in behaviors that I felt shame about, that I was not comfortable with. Why did I do this? I’m a people pleaser. I get my self-worth from what others think of me.

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns:

I shower you with favors and pleasures to make you stay.

My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
I shove my morals under the carpet to be with you.

Of all the people I need to forgive, the one I need to forgive the most is myself. I am very hard on myself. I have a difficult time releasing the anger, resentment and blame that I feel towards myself for something I have done wrong. I turn all of that blame, anger and resentment inward. It does not feel good and it doesn’t serve me. If I can’t forgive myself, how I can I forgive others? I can’t. It has to start with me. I need to change this behavior and learn to forgive myself. I need to do a Step 9 on myself.

For example, I really have to work on cancelling the debts I feel I owe myself for not getting enough done each day. I have traditionally beat myself up mercilessly for not accomplishing huge amounts of work on my book, not practicing my music, not writing blogs and not doing book promotion. Thank goodness (because of the work I do with my step work and in program), I am starting to realize that there are only so many hours in a day. I can get only so much done in a 24-hour period. And you know what? There’s always tomorrow. Even if I think the world is going to end if I don’t accomplish everything on my three page “to do” list, it’s not true. Life will go on. It will be okay.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Treat it like the front page of the paper.
• Remember your bubble. My therapist told me to imagine a protective bubble around myself so that when hurtful things happen, I am not affected. The bad stuff only hits the outside of the bubble.
• You are only in control of where you put your attention.
• I’m not in charge here.
• It’s not my fault.
• Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10.

I have positive affirmations that help me with my forgiveness:

• Today I forgive myself and others.
• I forgive myself for not being perfect.
• It’s okay for me to make mistakes every day.
• It’s okay for my child and me to be who we are, ourselves. We are loveable.
• I will listen to the truth, which is that I am a good person.
• I do the best I can in everything I do and that’s enough. I am a good person.
• It’s okay that you’re not perfect.
• Today I am Gods brand new creation.
• Today everything God intends to accomplish in and through me shall be done.

The steps I take to practice forgiveness:

• More Journaling: I journal as much as necessary to rid myself of resentment, anger, blame and guilt.
• Worship: I talk to God about my resentment, anger, blame and guilt through prayer. I ask God to fill the empty space inside me and to give me what I thought I needed from the other person. Then I listen through meditation to what God has to say by sitting in silent worship and waiting upon him. This helps me move to a place of forgiveness.
• Exercise: working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill and lifting weights all help me to get rid of the anger, blame and resentment inside, which brings me closer to the forgiveness of myself and others.
• Constant God Connection: I pray as much as I can throughout the day. This includes morning and evening prayers on my knees, silent prayers and listening for His direction throughout my day. Sometimes he speaks to me through other people at Quaker meeting, at my CoDA group, through a radio sermon, in a book, during a bible study, or through people I see during my day.
• Scripture: Reading the bible every morning helps me to remember that God is charge of my life, he must come first and is giving me guidance on what to do. His word has a lot to say about forgiveness and I find it very helpful.
• Willingness: I pray for the willingness to forgive the person and myself.
• Read the Daily List: I read my list of defects of character to God every morning and humbly ask him to remove them if and when he is ready. I forgive myself for having these defects.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “There is a God, it is not me,” “I can’t, God Can, I think I’ll let him,” “Willingness is key,” “This too shall pass” and “Just for today.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Let it Go: I realize that things happen. I don’t have control over what goes on. I’m doing the best I can.

When I practice the spiritual principle of forgiveness I feel the blessed ease of spirit that comes from forgiving myself and others. I thank God for helping me to be able to forgive myself, which opens the door to forgiving others.

The way that you deal with forgiveness and any of the principles is by dealing with your feelings. Get them out of you. Look at your feelings and accept them. Come to a place where you are all right.

Thank you, God for this learning.

[1] Ibid., p. iv.