Conflict Avoidance and Passiveness

I can feel change comin’

Comin’ over me

It’s gonna be so different

Just wait and see

~ Change from Fearless Moral Inventory by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2010, all rights reserved

I still don’t enjoy conflict and I’m still a passive person. But I stick up for myself more often than I used to and that is progress. In the past I would just shove whatever I wanted under the carpet in order to keep the peace. Whatever I wanted wasn’t that important. You were the person who was important. I don’t do that as much now. I stick up for what I want.

The previous example of speaking my truth in the conflict with Doris is a good example of Juliet learning to be assertive. It was not easy, but I did it.

I am also learning to be more assertive and less afraid of conflict at work. For example, in my recent attempts to schedule end-of-the-year concerts for my orchestra students, I have encountered some conflicts with my fellow teachers and their end-of-the-year field trips. Communication can be a tricky thing in the education field, and pretty much any field, I would suppose. Some educators have the tendency to schedule things without consulting the school calendar. I had scheduled a concert with the principal on a certain day and time. When I told my students about it, they said they were going on a field trip and wouldn’t be there. I emailed the individual organizing the event but did not get the information in her response that I wanted. The old Juliet would have just given up, picked another day, sulked, and said I don’t matter, forget it. The new Juliet called the teacher in question and talked to her on the phone about it. We communicated and solved the problem. I did not come from a passive place, or a place of fear of abandonment or fear of rejection. Business is business. I did not take it personally. The concert is now scheduled. This is progress.

I also spoke assertively to someone after a CoDA meeting a few months ago. At the end of our meeting, we passed around a bag of positive affirmations. Everyone that wants to picks an affirmation out of the bag and reads it. One individual picked a piece of paper out of the bag and said, “Oh look, Juliet’s phone number!” I did not appreciate it. I did not engage in crosstalk, but waited for the meeting to be over. At the close of meeting, I told the person how I felt.

I said: “I just want you to know that we don’t do thirteenth stepping at this meeting. I didn’t appreciate your comment about the phone number. It wasn’t okay with me. Please don’t do it again.”

In their best-selling book, Boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend recommend that people practice new behaviors in a safe place, such as a support group.^[1] So I was practicing in a safe place and was practicing on someone that I felt safe being assertive with. I didn’t have anything to lose.

The outcome was that the person took it quite well, at least from my point of view. The person made an excuse like that was not what they meant, it was joke, etc. I stood my ground. We ended the conversation and parted ways.

That is me sticking up for myself. That is me walking right into a potential conflict situation and saying what I need to say for myself. That is me realizing I am worth speaking up for. I matter. This progress is the result of working this program. I feel good about this growth and will keep practicing being assertive in safe environments.

Mantras that help me when I’m facing a conflict:

• Remember your bubble. My therapist told me to imagine a protective bubble around myself so that when hurtful things happen, I am not affected. The bad stuff only hits the outside of the bubble.
• Treat it like the front page of the newspaper.
• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Before you go into a room, hold it in the Light of God.
• Dear God, I give you this conflict for my highest good.
• Observe, don’t react.
• Don’t take it personally. This isn’t about me.
• God, please speak through me.
• God, please take care of this conflict for me.
• Does this serve you?
• You have a choice.
• Go for process, not content.

 
Positive Affirmations that I say when preparing to face a potential conflict and am feeling passive:

• Juliet deserves good things.
• I am worthy of love just because I exist.
• My cross ring and my Angry Birds remind me to take myself to Tanglewood when I’m facing a conflict.

Additional practices that help with my conflict avoidance and passiveness.

• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy does it,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” “Let go and let God” and “Turn it over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax when I’m preparing to face a potential conflict.
• Give it to God: I place the person and situation I feel overly-responsible for into a beautiful, imaginary goblet and offer it up to God. Then I put a note in my God Box about it. This helps me let go and move on.

^[1] Cloud, Henry and John Townsend. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life (Audio). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2001.