Low Self-Esteem

And what is she? What is she?

She is hopeless

A loser

Out of her mind.

~ Beloved by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2005, all rights reserved

I still struggle with the defect of low self-esteem. The good news is that I’m slowly ridding myself of this defect. I feel much better about myself today than I did in the past. I’m beginning to see my worth as a person. I’m a worthwhile, lovable person just because I am a child of God. I can love myself just because of that.
Sometimes, however, I still get down on myself and tie my self-worth to what I accomplish in a day, how hard I work, how well my books sell, how many students I have, what other people think of me, and how I look.

What really affects me is what my students and their parents think of me. Making mistakes with, disappointing, or losing students is very, very hard on my self-esteem. I beat myself up endlessly when such incidents occur and really have to work my program to recover.

Process Four really helps me to stay centered and balanced in the classroom.

Let’s revisit Process Four:

• Don’t take it personally.
• Don’t react.
• Stick to business and just teach music.
• Think before you speak.
• This too shall pass.
• Let it go.

• Don’t take it personally: I learned this from my therapist. Anything that anyone says to me is about them, even if it sounds like it’s about me. This helps me realize that I didn’t do anything intentionally wrong to hurt someone. They’re telling me about them.

• Don’t react: I live in a world of reactors. I have been guilty of this myself. I get input from someone and blurt out whatever I’m feeling at the moment. The right thing for me to do is to stop, consider the situation, and say nothing, until I’m sure about what they said, what happened, and how I feel about it. This also helps me to keep my self-esteem up because it prevents me from saying and doing things that I’ll regret later.

• Stick to business and just teach music: So after I have restrained myself from reacting to whatever a person said or did, I just stick to business and teach music. That is why I’m there. Juliet needs to do her job. That also helps build my self-esteem because I’m doing what I’m supposed to do.

• Think before you speak: I need to think before I speak. This is related to don’t react, but it is helpful for me to have it as a separate step to remind myself to do it. What I say matters in the classroom and there are lots of little ears engaged. I need to be careful to say what God wants me to say, not what I want to say. Being in a constant state of prayer helps me to think before I speak.

• This too shall pass: I have placed this slogan here because sometimes things are said and done in the classroom and on email by parents that are very hurtful to me. I have to remind myself that the moment and the hurt will not last forever. God will get me through it.

• Let it go: This slogan is here because after I have experienced whatever hurtful verbal or email comment or criticism that occurred, and have reminded myself that this too shall pass, then it’s time for me to let it go. I put it in my imaginary beautiful goblet and offer it up to God. Then I move on.

I say these steps as mantras to myself whenever I need to during my workday or any other time. They help me get my center back and help me focus on God.

Another activity I engage in that helps me to stay centered on God is reading scripture at lunchtime. I have scripture written on index cards in a bag in my purse. I read scripture during my lunch break while I eat. This really helps me recover from whatever may have just gone on in the classroom by getting my focus back on God. Knowing that I have a loving, merciful God who cares about me and is sovereign over my life improves my self-esteem. I know I’m not charge, I don’t have to control or fix it, and I’m worthwhile because God loves me.

Deep down I am truly beginning to realize that I have worth as a person just because I exist. We all do. We all have worth. We are all worthy of God’s love, regardless of who we are or what we have or haven’t done. We are all equal in the eyes of God.
I used to get my self-worth from the promise of a successful music career. I’ll be a worthy person when I achieve success in music. As I look under the carpet of my past, I find my dream of commercial musical success trampled and crumpled like a dirty gum wrapper that flew out of my pocket, landed on the ground, and was never thrown away. I wanted that musical success for a very long time. Now I know that probably isn’t going to happen for me, at least not the way that I thought I wanted it. This self-pronounced failure gave me low self-esteem for a long time. I’ve failed. I didn’t get there. I didn’t make it. I don’t matter.

Thanks to recovery I now have a different outlook on the music I make in my life. Now I’m writing and playing my music to heal myself. I share it with others in case it might help them to heal. That is the God in me speaking to the God in them. I like that. Thank you, God. Under the carpet near the gum wrapper, there is the old Juliet who got her self-worth from her musical success. So when she failed, she wasn’t worth anything as a person. We can throw that self-image in the recycle bin and fix it right up. Juliet is a beloved child of God just because she is herself.

Next to that crumpled gum wrapper from under the carpet that represents my tortured music career are small pieces of a muffin that dropped while I was eating breakfast and changing violin strings at the same time. These pieces of muffin represent the Juliet who used to get her self-worth from the men in her love-life. Let’s throw that in the garbage too.

I used to think I was only worthy if a man loved me at that moment. For most of my adult life, that was Alex. So when our marriage failed, I thought I had no worth. The soul searching and step work I have done on that relationship has helped me heal from the related pain and relieved me of those misconceptions. I am grateful to God for this healing and learning. Thank you, God.
I definitely take some of my self-worth from what I look like. When I was younger, my relying on this source of worth was worse. I was supposed to look great all the time when I was young. Above all, I was supposed to be thin. This was fueled by my parents’ expectations and, later, a career in Hollywood. I still take some of my self-worth from what I look like, but it’s not nearly as severe as it used to be. Moving out of Hollywood and back to Vermont really helped me with this. I know that I’m a good person underneath it all and that won’t change with 5 pounds of fat, 5 pounds of makeup or a lack thereof. I’m a perfect child of God just the way I am. Despite aging, I really like how I look. That’s a huge step forward for me. That’s recovery.