Low Self-Esteem

Low Self-Esteem

Out they come

My worms

They’re here

Blame, obsession,

Self-hate and fear

It’s time to weed this wormwood

From my fruitful brain

(Midgard, from Fearless Moral Inventory, by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

These lyrics speak of my own feelings about myself that produce my low self-esteem.

I have low self-esteem.

The entire Juliet’s Feelings List from “It Really Is True” applies here. That is how I feel about myself.

All of my feelings are typical of a codependent with low-self esteem. As a child, I felt like nothing I did was ever good enough.

Even today, I am my own worst enemy.

I have old tapes that start playing in my head, telling me lies. Here’s an example:

Stupid girl.  The only reason you are singing at your dad’s party is because you are his daughter.  You aren’t any good. You are a fat ugly loser, remember?  No one else would give you the time of day.  You are pathetic. 

These tapes start playing at full volume when I make mistakes.  Perfectionism can lead to lots of shame and low self-esteem.

Since I have low self-esteem, my self-worth is tied up in how you feel about me. 

Like many codependents, it’s very difficult for me to make choices.  I was in denial about this pattern for a long time, but lately it has really been staring me in face. I don’t want to make a mistake and pick the wrong decision.  Even small decisions, such as where to eat, can make me crazy.  A fairly recent crazy-making decision dilemma was whether or not to purchase a new artificial Christmas tree as the mice trashed my old one.  I went around and around about it like a dog chasing her tail. If I bought a new one, I’d have to throw away the old one, and that meant poor Mother Earth would have yet something else in one of her already overflowing land fills.  If I didn’t buy one, I’d have to live with a Christmas tree that had been somewhat damaged by the mice.

This defect only gets worse when I’m with someone else.  In this case, I try to second-guess what they want so then they will be happy.

Other characteristics typical of someone with low self-esteem are being critical of myself, not being aware of or denying my needs, and thinking that the other person is always right and I am always wrong.  These patterns were evident not only in my family of origin, but in my relationships with Brad and Alex, friends, and work colleagues.

I have never thought that I deserve to get my needs met, so it’s very hard for me to ask for what I need. Then I would say yes when I meant no, especially when I wanted something different from what the other person wanted.  Then I would try not to want it, denying myself.

The bottom line is that the other person is the only one who is important. I don’t count because I’m not worthy enough to count.

I don’t trust my own judgment about anything.  Everyone else knows better than me.  Alex knew best about fashion, hair, food, music, what sounded good, how you were supposed to act, what you were supposed to do.  My sister knows the scoop with Miss Manners.  Everyone else is always right.

My inner critic spews venom filled with lies that fuel the fire of my low self-esteem.

These verses in my song My Mighty Warrior (The Linton Worm)speak of the inner critic’s pursuit of me:

He chases me

Throughout the day and night

Breathing lies

Until I think he’s right.

Why must we endure this test

Can’t it just be laid to rest

And finally

Set us free.

(My Mighty Warrior, from Fearless Moral Inventory, by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

Songwriting continues to be a very healing recovery activity for me.  I will continue to use it in that manner.  Thank you God for these gifts.

By working my Codependents Anonymous program, I am slowly getting some self-esteem.  I will keep working my Program, and by the grace of God, I will continue with my recovery.