Step 9, Amends and Family

Step 9

9.  Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.[1]

I rehearsed my amends with my sponsor.  She helped me with the wording so that it was not blaming, general enough to get the point across and the job done, and not cause any hurt feelings.  I’m so glad she was there to help me.

I made amends to my sister and to my mother.  I started with Mom.  We were on her canopy bed talking and I just casually did my thing.

“Mom, I realize there were times I judged you and would say things that were hurtful.  I know now that I was frustrated by the disease the family had and was trying to fix everything.  I realize now that wasn’t my job.  I’m sorry about that.”  That wasn’t what I said word for word, but that is the gist of it.

“I just assumed you understood,” Mom said.

“Your steps are very similar to AA,” she added.

With Alice, I said something very similar.  We were sitting in her car.  She was very nice about it. 

I’m really glad I did it and I was glad when it was over.

Now I am in the middle of my second Step 9.  It’s taking the form of a forgiveness list to myself.  I made a list of things I am going to forgive myself for.  Then I am making a list of new behaviors I can plug in that will help me to not do the things that are destructive to me.   I’m working hard on it.  It’s a very long list.   I read all of this to my sponsor during our weekly phone calls.

What I’m realizing, however, is that the more I forgive myself, the more I can forgive others.  This is especially true of my students.  The more I recognize their behaviors as ones I had growing up, the more empathy, compassion, and forgiveness I have for them.  First, I have to forgive myself for doing those things.  Then I can forgive them.  It makes things so much easier. 

The ninth Step is tough but very effective.

[1] Ibid.