It Really Is True
IT REALLY IS TRUE
My jaw dropped as I read the list. I saw myself in every entry. I had tears rolling down my face. I felt my stomach tighten. It really was all my fault. I was really sick. Brad was right. I was responsible for everything that had gone wrong between us. Everything everywhere was my fault. How would I ever recover?
Here is the list I read (presented with further refinements to my own patterns):
Juliet’s Codependency Patterns[1]
I am not conscious of my own moods, I am conscious of your moods.
If you’re happy, I’m happy.
Your moods and actions are my fault.
If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.
It’s difficult for me to recognize my moods or articulate them.
I am inclined to diminish, change, or refute my moods.
If you like me, I like me.
If you think I’m good, I think I’m good.
I ignore and ditch all my other friends as you are the center of my world.
I don’t know what I need, I focus on what you need.
I like to do whatever you like to do. What I like to do isn’t important.
Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong.
I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.
I shower you with favors and pleasures to make you stay.
My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
I shove my morals under the carpet to be with you.
Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll do or be whatever you say.
Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll feel however you want me to feel.
I think I have to be perfect and so do you. Nothing less will do.
I am less than.
The recovery facility that was treating Mom for alcoholism had a family weekend that all family of origin members were encouraged to attend. They sent preparatory materials for me to look over before my arrival. In the packet was information about Codependency, including the patterns list.
I read the list sitting in my car in the parking lot of the Hollywood Presbyterian Church waiting for a music teachers meeting to start. I cried when I realized I was reading about myself. This was me! Every single trait on the sheet described how I relate to people. Wow! There was so much wrong with me.
How I felt about myself in almost every relationship and situation could be summed up by the following list:
This is all my fault, I did something wrong.
They are right, I am wrong.
They are going to abandon me.
They are going to reject me.
I don’t deserve good things.
I am less than.
I am ashamed.
I’m bad and now everyone knows it. I’ll be alone forever.
Different from everyone
I am only worth what I accomplish.
I’m not good enough to be here.
This is my story.
I am writing down this story in an effort to understand my history. I need to know and understand where I’ve been so that I can figure out where I am and where I’m going.
I have decided to look at my codependency as it manifests itself in my relationships with my family of origin, school friends and acquaintances, close friends, romantic partners and within social situations. Names have been changed to protect the anonymity of those involved.
I began to write this book in an effort to get all of my recovery and therapy notes in one place so I could refer to it when it’s needed. Therefore, in addition to the relationship material discussed above, this document also includes information about my defects of character as well as my program of recovery.
All of the techniques, exercises, processes and literature contained herein are all part of my program that is helping me heal. My hope is that others reading this will gain insights from it about their own recovery.
My name is Juliet and I am [a] codependent.
WHAT IS CODEPENDENCY?
Codependency has been referred to as relationship addiction. A codependent person becomes addicted to controlling another person.
To put it another way, an alcoholic admits powerlessness over alcohol, whereas a codependent admits powerlessness over other people.
Melody Beattie, author of many books on the subject, including Codependent No More, The New Codependency, The Language of Letting Go, and The Codependents’ Guide to the Twelve Steps, defines codependency this way:
A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.
Codependency is when I take caretaking and controlling behaviors too far. It is when I become obsessed about controlling and/or manipulating another person to the point that I forget about myself.
WHAT’S A FEARLESS MORAL INVENTORY
What do I mean by inventory? Just as a store manager takes inventory to find out what they have in stock and what they need to order, I am taking a sincere look at my positive and negative behaviors and belief systems (also defined as defects of character) as they have manifested themselves in my life.
There are many ways to do an inventory. For example, one can do an inventory based on different time periods of their life. Examinations of significant events, habits, convictions or relationships are also options.
This book has two types of inventories in it. The first one is a relationships inventory. I have examined my conduct to view how it has affected the relationships with my family of origin, school associations, friendships, romances and work contacts. I changed the names of everybody to respect their anonymity. The second inventory is an assessment of my defects of character. In this section of the book I take a look at my defects of character and how they have affected my life.
These are merely examples of how to do a relationships and defects inventories. They are not right or wrong; they are just what I did. I hope that reader will be able to use them as models for doing their own inventories.
Codependency In My Family of Origin
My codependency began in my family of origin, which was dysfunctional. The Codependents Anonymous welcome states that “many of us were raised in families where addictions existed…,”[4] and I was no exception. My mother was an alcoholic. My codependent behaviors developed as a survival response to this disease that the family contracted.
I continuously practiced Juliet’s Codependency Patterns and Juliet’s Feelings List, as they appear in “It Really Is True,” with all of my family members.
Above all, I felt like I was responsible for everything that went on in the family. Everything that happened was my fault, something I did wrong. These feelings fed my fear of abandonment and rejection and my resulting perfectionism.
What follows is some information about my family that may help shed some insight into this baffling disease of codependency.
My Earliest Memories
I have a few early memories that I believe foreshadowed my codependency.
One of these memories took place at a ski area daycare center. I must have been too young to ski, probably around the age of three or four. As I recall, I did something that called for attention from the daycare workers, and they yelled at me severely for it. I was crying hard. I thought, “I’m a bad person because I did this.” I still have residual effects of this treatment to this day.
I have another memory of my sister Alice and me playing in the downstairs hallway on a Sunday afternoon. We had little plastic horses and dolls we were playing with. One of the dolls was named Little Linda. Alice said that Little Linda was going away for a while. The fact that Linda was leaving made me feel really sad. As I look back on it now, Linda represented my sister Alice somehow. This was the first time I was fearful of being abandoned and rejected by my sister.
I remember crying when my first grade teacher, Mrs. Powell, moved me into the second-grade reading group. I had been separated from my peers, which, to me, meant I had done something wrong and was being punished. I felt very sad and didn’t understand what I had done wrong. I cried the whole time I sat there. Mrs. Powell was reading us a story about a girl crying at the breakfast table.
“Annie sat at the breakfast table and her tears landed with a plop in her cereal bowl. Just like Juliet’s,” Mrs. Powell said as I sobbed.
Mrs. Powell was very sweet and would never hurt a fly. I think she probably couldn’t understand why I was so upset. I think subconsciously I was afraid my sister wouldn’t love me anymore if I was as smart as her or at her level in school. So I stayed in first grade.
When I was still in grade school, a lady at a restaurant scolded me and I lied about why. I couldn’t have been more than seven or eight. I was at a salad bar fixing myself a plate. I saw some pickles that looked interesting. I selected one, took a bite, decided I didn’t like it, and put it back in the bucket on the salad bar. A woman saw me perform this angelic transaction.
“Oh, you shouldn’t do that,” she said, shaking her head and frowning at me.
I just happened to have a heaping pile of apple butter on my plate right then. So I went back to the table and told everyone that the lady yelled at me for taking too much apple butter. Fibber! I knew what she was mad at me for. I felt shame about this for a long time. When I did my CoDA 9th step, I confessed to this little sin. I forgive myself for judging myself for not being perfect.
[1] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.
[2] Ibid.
[3] Melody Beattie, Codependent No More. (Center City, MN: Hazelden, 1992), p. 36.
[4] Codependents Anonymous, Meeting Starter Packet. (www.coda.org,2009), p. 29.
Wright, J. Everything Is My Fault. (Pownal, VT: Hidden Angel Publishing, 2012).
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