Searching for Numbness – How I Wrote It

I wrote this song as a story about a person who is searching for relief of their hurt and pain. I have used food, alcohol and the opinions of others to stop the pain I feel inside. In the final resolution I find relief from my pain in my relationship with God and in his Word. My food addiction started when I was a child. That is what I used to make the pain go away, specifically pizza and coffee ice cream. I remember eating until I was uncomfortably full, and would feel bad about myself. But for a while, it numbed me out. The pain went away. When I got older, I would occasionally use alcohol to numb myself out and make the pain go away. 

The inspiration for my verse on alcohol came from an experience I had at my local YMCA. I was getting ready to pull into the driveway for my early morning swim, and a young woman flagged me down, asking for help. It was about 6:00 am. She said she needed help, that someone had left her there and she was stranded. I led her up to the YMCA. She was clearly very strung out on something, probably not alcohol, probably opioids. 

When she came in the door she started rummaging around in the lost and found for a sweatshirt. I said “I think those belong to people.” Then she said she was really thirsty and needed something to drink. I asked her who left her there and she pointed to the tattoo on her chest. That is where the line “There’s no more tattoo of you on my soul, comes from.” At that point I kind of selfishly left her with the very kind person at the front desk.  

Eventually a police car and an ambulance came and she got some help. 

In my recovery I have sought and continue to seek help from my therapist and sponsor. I get relief there too, from pain, but it is a good relief.  Recovery is hard work, but I am learning new behaviors that work better for me and I am slowly learning to love myself. I am learning that I am a good person who deserves love and who doesn’t have to believe all of the lies that my inner critic tells me. 

In the bridge I sing about the work I do in recovery to deal with my past so that I can change my behaviors and move on. I do have feelings but they don’t have to drive the bus. I must feel them, but I can do that, do the journaling, stepwork and other recovery work I need to do to face it and move on. As they say, Jesus has dropped the charges. I am free from my past. 

The last verse brings me home to God, his Word and my salvation. I cannot express how much comfort and strength that I find in God’s word. I always have his love. And the more I read that book, the stronger my faith is. That, in combination with my daily silent worship and journaling, are slowly turning me into the person God wants me to be. That is where the real relief from the pain comes from. It is better than any ice cream, alcohol, or worldly approval could provide.

Here are the lyrics. 

Searching For Numbness 

I wasn’t even hungry but somehow I ate it all, 

searching for ice cream. 

Searching for the sweetness, 

Searching for numbness,

Begging for the exit.

Avoiding the truth.

Trying not to feel

Frozen, dazed lump. 

I need something to dull my senses

Like I’m dazed, in shock

My sun is down yet it is day. 

Joy has left the world for good.

I’ve been found out.

Declared guilty. 

Everyone knows it.

abandoned forever.

I need something 

To take this pain away. 

I wasn’t even thirsty, but somehow I drank it all 

Searching for whiskey

Searching for the sweetness

Searching for numbness,

Begging for the exit.

Avoiding the truth.

Trying not to feel

Sauced drunken soak.  

Drunk with anger and shame.

Dear God I’m a shipwreck

Without a rescue 

Strung out and coming down hard

Needy and clinging. 

Stopping traffic

And the stranger on the street. 

Somebody help

God I’m so thirsty

Give me some more 

Take me away

In a hearse headed for hell

I was completely desperate and somehow I called them all

Searching for my shrink

Searching for my sponsor

Searching for forgiveness. 

Begging for the exit.

Believing the lies. 

Trying to get healed. 

Sad sorry soul. 

So I become the witness and observe my feelings, 

I must feel them, but they’re  not me.

I unearth my past. 

Something I’ve buried. 

Deal with my Waterloo I am free

I’m giving my soul 

Room to breathe. 

The charges are dropped 

Now I believe. 

I was finally willing, and somehow I read it all

Searching for answers

Searching for forgiveness

Searching for mercy

Begging for redemption

Reading the truth 

Ready to believe

Grateful, saved, soul

Despair is knocking, 

He can’t come in. 

Stay away from my door

There’s no more tattoo 

Of you on my soul

You see his Word has drawn me in. 

He promised to teach

The way I should go

he vowed to guard

My sorry soul 

Just believe, trust and obey. 

~ Searching for Numbness, by Juliet A. Wright, 

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