The Inner Teen

One morning during my worship, I received a message from God that I didn’t understand. 

The message was Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is what you need to be concerned about.  Be who you are.

What is Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma?  I didn’t know what it was or what it had to do with being myself. So later on in my day, when I had a minute, I got on the Internet and looked it up.  This disease is a form of cancer.  The cause of this disease has been linked to hair dye.  I was bleaching my hair at the time and had been for years.  This message hit me like a ton of bricks.  I prayed and prayed about it and eventually went back to my natural hair color. 

But there was more to the message.  Be who you are.   What did that mean?  I prayed some more.  I listened some more. 

The next message that came through was Cut your hair.  Be who you are.  

I was very troubled by this as I had long hair that I really liked.  I prayed some more and listened.  Over the next couple of months, I repeatedly received the same message.  I listened, obeyed, and cut my hair.

I know now that the purpose of this message and of cutting my hair was to get me in touch with my inner teen.  My inner teen is me at 14.  She is overweight, has short hair, and a very round face.  By cutting my hair, in a way I became her again (minus the weight). 

The message became more detailed, adding things like do that book. I had been talking to a friend of mine about writing a book about my codependency and this message from God just confirmed that.  Writing the book is also helping me to heal my inner teen.

My inner teen has even lower self-esteem than my inner child. She often hides her face from me too full of shame to turn around.  She sees herself as a fat ugly loser. She is me at 14, that same year that Dad yelled at me for being fat in a restaurant full of people. The same year Cain tore my clothes off behind the Catholic Church. The same year Betty stopped talking to me. The same year that we had that awful “If you don’t stop, I’m leaving you” family meeting that produced absolutely zero positive results regarding my mother and her drinking.

My inner teen had all of these bad sexual experiences, and it has had a lasting effect on her.  Yet she has sexual urges herself and she thinks herself dirty for it.  She hates talking about this. However, Elizabeth Gilbert who toured the world and wrote a great book Eat, Pray, Love talks about it so why not?  Sexuality.  I don’t know if my inner teen will ever be accepting of and comfortable with this subject.   She deals with the sensual part of herself as best she can. 

This pimply kid still exists inside me. Every day, I go inside and give her a big hug.  I tell her everything is going to be okay. I want to go back in time and tell her love starts here.  So what if 20 years beyond your teens, your husband has a change of heart and skips town?  So what if your best friend isn’t talking to you?  You’re still okay.  You are a beloved child of God, just the way you are. 

Inner child work has been a very important part of my recovery.  I try to connect with my inner children as often as possible.  I will continue this important work.