Driving Lost

Waiting to sob

From the bottom of my soul

Trying like hell to give up control

~ Waiting by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2010, all rights reserved

I have no sense of direction. I get lost at the drop of a hat. I’ve gotten lost in Los Angeles, Hawthorne, Malibu, Menlo Park, Mountain View, Kansas City (both of them!), Boston, Maine, New York State, Woodstock, Lenox, and even in Pittsfield, Massachusetts where I work. And I’m sure I left out like a million places. I can get lost going to the bathroom. Is it an illness? A condition? Is something blocking by brain? I have always been like this. I have always gotten lost very, very easily.

A couple of years back, my sister and her husband gave me a GPS, which helped. That machine was made for people like me, who obviously came out of the womb lost, not knowing where to go next. That’s me.

The problem with GPS systems is that you have to tell them where you want to go. Then you have to put in the right address. Then the GPS has to like the address you put in. A lot of the time it says, “Address not found.” That makes me so mad. Now come on. Please. The person who lives there gave me the address. The Internet likes the address. What’s your problem, Mr. Map-in-a-Box Computer Program? Frustrating! 

Sometimes there is a roadblock or detour that Mr. GPS hasn’t seen or figured out. Then he starts giving you grief for going the wrong way. “Recalculating.” Okay fine, what can I do? I’m not driving through the river or over the side of the mountain. This was especially true in New England following Tropical Storm Irene when many of the two-lane highways were severely damaged and barely functional.

Most recently, I was lost in Acadia National Park in Maine. It is a beautiful, peaceful, Spirit-filled, mammoth place. It has one-way streets that intersect with two-way streets. It has signs that say, “Do not enter” and “This way only.” I don’t like that. I typed in Acadia National Park into the nice little GPS box and the box led me to the main gate. That’s not where I wanted to go. I wanted to go to the Visitor’s Center. What’s the matter with you? Then I tried to follow the directions of the guard. Then I drove around lost for one hour. The Man-inside-the-Box was laughing. Serves her right, stupid human.

You can imagine what came next. Rage. Yelling. Gone was the sweet Christian Quaker Juliet who was listening to her bible CDs in the car. Enter raging, cursing, mean, Kathy Bates character in Fried Green Tomatoes when she rammed the dickens out of that VW Bug that took her parking spot. Marilyn Manson and The Matrix Reloaded soundtrack replaced the bible CDs and were blasting in my car. Pretty soon I started having hot flashes and I was sweating like some sort of farm animal. This only added to my rage.

Eventually I realized I had driven myself not only crazy, but right out of the park as well. So then I got to turn around and do it all over again. Great fun! Eventually I found my way to the ocean walk, got a parking spot, and went for a walk.

Enter calm Juliet apologizing to God for her temper tantrum, saying her positive affirmations, reciting her gratitude list, asking for forgiveness for her terrible, obviously inherited temper. 

So what is the purpose of me getting lost? Acceptance? Surrender? Letting go of control? Patience? I would say all of the above. And faith. Hello? I need to have faith. God is going to help me to find out where I am going. I need to turn it over, stop freaking out, and go on God’s timetable, not mine.

The good news is stated in the bible:

 He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

~ Philippians 1:6 (NIV) 

Thank heavens! I get another chance or two to get it right. I mean I don’t know if I’ll ever really know where I’m going when I’m behind the wheel of a car, but maybe I can handle it differently so that I don’t have to rage over it.

Maybe the only time I really know where I’m going is when I admit that I’m lost. When I surrender, give up control, let go, have faith, practice acceptance. The fact that I think I know where I’m going and what will happen next is just an illusion anyway, a fantasy. Only God knows that. My requests for the knowledge of His will unveils a few ice crystals that are really part of a huge glacier. Crystal by crystal it is revealed to me. I will trust. I will accept. I will surrender. I will breathe in and out. Relax. Breathe.

I am now more aware of when I am moving into rage and am able to get back into balance by using the tools I have listed below. I have also learned from my beloved sponsor that I can choose how to feel. She says that even when I’m in the middle of a rage in my car because of traffic delays, detours, I’m running late, or whatever, I can choose to be content. I can just decide to be calm, accepting, and happy and be that way. I don’t know if I have achieved the ability to do that in all cases quite yet, but I’m starting to remember her words, and that is the first step. That is progress.

Quite recently, after being in my car for way too long and getting very angry about it, I remembered her words. I can just decide to be happy and calm, I thought to myself. I relaxed and made it home safely. I also made a vow not to get into my car at all the next day. That helped a lot.

Here I practice Process One:

1. I consciously breathe in and out slowly. Breathing with awareness brings me back to the present moment. It gives me an automatic time-out.

2. I become aware of what I’m doing.

3. I ask myself, What’s going on in my body, feelings, and brain? I’m lost.

4. If possible, I write down the information and journal about how I’m feeling. I am feeling rageful; I’m wasting time and not accomplishing anything. I also feel fear because I don’t know where I am.

5. I pray for the willingness to accept the situation and information as it is. God help me to be willing to accept the fact that I am lost and wasting time being lost.

6. I pray for acceptance of the situation. God help me to accept the fact that I am lost and wasting time.

7. I admit powerlessness over said problem. I am powerless over the fact that I am lost and wasting time.

8. Then I become willing to feel my feelings. I am rageful and also fearful about being lost.

9. I pray for God to help me with the pain I feel inside. God please help me to get rid of my rage and fear in a safe and healthy way.

10. I put a note in my God Box about it.

11. Where can I put my mind that is not on this? I sit by the side of the road and breathe in and out. I find the closest walking destination in the park and walk there for a while to calm myself down.

12. I have to remember that God doesn’t make junk. I am a beloved child of God just the way I am. I don’t have to do anything to be okay. I am okay just because I’m me. I must never forget that. I am a worthwhile person just because I exist. It’s okay that I got lost.

13. From now on, I will make sure that I plug the correct address into the GPS or I’ll take the shuttle to the hiking spot. I will pray and give it to God too. He will help.

14. Even if I get lost again, I’m still okay. I’m still a good person. I am a beloved child of God. I can always talk to God about it. He’ll help me.

15. Take myself to Tanglewood: I use my cross ring as an anchor to remind myself to go to Tanglewood in my mind. It helps me relax.

After I go through Process One, I proceed to Process Two — Make a Plan:

1. I recheck my anxiety level. How am I feeling? I feel more relaxed. My heart rate has slowed down and I’ve wiped the sweat from my brow.

2. I breathe big and deep.

3. What’s the information? I’m lost.

4. What are my choices? I can turn around, go back the way I came, and stop at the nearest walking spot no matter what it is.

5. I hold the outcome in the Light of God, give thanks, and visualize what I want.

6. I take action in the direction of the choices I’ve made. If needed, I plan my additional steps. I am turning around, going back the way I came, and then I’ll stop at the nearest walking spot no matter what it is.

7. I affirm my choice and accept it. I accept my plan and am comfortable with it.

8. I give it to God by either placing my problem in an imaginary goblet and offering it up to God with arms outstretched or by getting on my hands and knees and giving it to him. Dear God, I give you my “lostness” and ask you to help me find my way to the highest good of all involved.

9. I ask myself, Where could I put my mind that’s not on this? I put on my Matrix Reloaded soundtrack and then a bible tape. I breathe in and out. I listen while I find the nearest walking spot. I relax.

Mantras that help me with my rage:

• In this moment, I let go of what I can’t control.
• In the moment, I let go and let God.
• Relax and breathe.
• Where could I put my mind that’s not on this?
• I am powerless over this situation. I am powerless over my rage. My life has become unmanageable.
• Treat it like the front page of the newspaper.
• Humans make mistakes; that’s okay.
• I recite The Serenity Prayer like a mantra.

Positive Affirmations that help me get out of a rage:

• All is well in my world.
• I am relaxed and calm.
• Thank you God for your mercy and grace.
• Everything is as it is supposed to be at this moment. 
• Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

I have recently also come up with a list of words that I say that help to calm me down:

Serenity, joy, truth, love, hope, peace, trust, faith, green, water, God, omnipotent, omniscient, sovereign, Nature, crunching, running, walking, breathing, relaxing, calm. Thank you, God.

Additional practices that help me when I’m fighting my rage:

• Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me release my rage and get back into balance.
• Loud music: I listen to loud rock music like Lincoln Park, The Matrix Reloaded soundtrack, or Porcupine Tree while I’m driving or using my punching bag. It’s one of my favorite ways to release anger in a healthy way.
• Angry Birds: I have three Angry Bird figures that I have stuck to my dashboard. Looking at them while I drive helps me to get the anger out of me and calm myself down. They are my mascots.
• Playing my instruments: I play etudes on my violin, or sing and play my own music on my guitar after I exercise as a way to help myself relax after a rage attack.
• String quartets: Brahms and Mozart string quartets bring me into a place of serenity, no matter what’s going on in my life.
• Gratitude list: Reading my gratitude list helps to bring me out of my angry tailspin and back into the present moment. I often combine my workout on the treadmill with reading my gratitude list, which is really affective.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy does it,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” “Let go and let God” and “Turn it over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Inner child work: My inner child tells me why I’m angry and tells me what she wants to do about it. Then we talk to God about it and make a plan. This is very helpful to me.
• Step work: I work the steps on whatever situation is fueling my rage. I read this work to my sponsor. I’m even able to laugh at myself afterwards. That is a sign that I’ve stopped taking myself so seriously, which is good.
• Documentation: I record my thoughts and revelations about my rage into a tape recorder and notate them later.
• Scripture: Reading scripture helps me to get my focus back on God, where it belongs, and this calms me down.
• Deep breathing: I take a few minutes to do some deep breathing. With every exhale I let go and my rage leaves a little bit more and for a longer period of time. I do this as many times as I need to continue.

Thank you God for this learning.