Concert Confusion

Wait to be hired

Wait to be fired

Wait for a voice

Wait for a choice

Wait to work

Wait to rest

Wait to try and

do your best

~ Waiting Part Three by Juliet A. Wright

copyright 2010, all rights reserved

Very recently, I received two somewhat, in my opinion, reprimanding emails from one of my principals regarding who was to be in the audience of one of my school orchestra concerts. What happened was that I had booked a concert on the same morning as the school field day for certain grade levels. (Field day involves lots of outside activities for students and lots of parent volunteers are involved also.) I booked this concert with this principal’s knowledge, but I sense there was a misunderstanding about what grade levels I needed for my orchestra concert. I don’t think she remembered that I teach third grade. I was going to remind her of this fact but was afraid of offending her, so I just kept quiet. Initially, when we first picked the date, we scheduled the concert for first thing in the morning. Fast forward a week and I get the first email that reprimanded me for not checking the schedule when booking a calendar and why didn’t I know that field day was that day, blah, blah, blah. I informed her that I did check the schedule and reminded her that we decided together that I would do the concert first thing in the morning and that way it wouldn’t conflict with the field day.

So we agreed to keep the same schedule. My third grade students would come and perform first thing and then leave right away to go do the field day outside. Fine. The principal asked me to arrange this with the teachers. So I did that. The teachers then decided that they would like to have their third graders who are not in orchestra come to see the concert and see their peers perform. They decided that they would all sit in the back and leave as soon as the third grade orchestra members were done performing. That was completely agreeable to me. I mean, we were only talking about 5 minutes of performing, and I know my students would like to perform for their peers. I arranged this with the teachers and everyone was happy. I sent an email to the teachers, the custodian, the band teacher, and the principal confirming the plan so that everyone involved would know what was going on.

Then I received the second reprimanding email from the principal, which simply stated that I had misunderstood what was going on and that only my students who were going to perform would be there and no third grade students would be watching. She hoped I now understood what was happening. There was no formal greeting or sign off, no thank you or anything. Just a basic “you don’t get it.” I was upset by this email. I felt bad about myself too, like I had goofed up.

Here’s an example of how I use my Process One to get myself out of this low self-esteem attack:

1. I consciously breathe in and out slowly. Breathing with awareness brings me back to the present moment. It gives me an automatic time-out.

2. I become aware of what I’m doing.

3. I ask myself, What’s going on in my body, feelings, and brain? I’m feeling bad about myself because I didn’t speak up in the first place reminding her of what grades I teach. Then I tried to follow the wishes of everyone involved and she sent me a reprimanding email saying I don’t get what’s going on.

4. If possible, I write down the information and journal about how I’m feeling. Now I feel sad, stupid, worthless, unappreciated, unimportant, defective, wrong, shamed, and I’m obsessed about all of it.

5. I pray for the willingness to accept the situation and information as it is. God help me to be willing to accept the events as they occurred, the concert situation as it is, and myself as I am in this moment.

6. I pray for acceptance of the situation. God help me to accept the emails from my principal, the concert plan as it is, and myself as I am in this moment.

7. I admit powerlessness over said problem. I am powerless to change the details of the concert, my boss’s wishes, her email, her opinion of me or my program, or the past events and how they occurred.

8. Then I become willing to feel my feelings. I feel sad, stupid, worthless, unappreciated, unimportant, defective, and it hurts.

9. I pray for God to help me with the pain I feel inside. God, please help me move through this pain and come to a place of serenity. I know you appreciate me, so I should appreciate myself. I know I don’t get my self-worth from my job or what others think of me. I have worth because I exist.

10. I put a note in my God Box about it. God, I give you my concert, email, and principal situation at this school to the highest good of all involved.

11. Where can I put my mind that is not on this? I go do something else.

12. The something else lately has been me playing music on my violin, viola, cello, and guitar when I feel despair coming on or am in the middle of the CoDA crazies. Playing music gets me relaxed, calm, breathing, and balanced. I go play music on my instruments, do step work, write, or get to a meeting.

13. I have to remember that God doesn’t make junk. I am a beloved child of God just the way I am. I don’t have to do anything to be okay. I am okay just because I’m me. I must never forget that. I am a worthwhile person just because I exist. I repeat this to myself a few times.

14. From now on, I will go play music, go do step work, work on my book, or walk in Hopkins Forest when I feel a low self-esteem attack coming on. I will pray and give it to God too. He will help.

15. Even if I don’t ask for clarity in understanding first, perfectly obey my principal’s wishes, and make mistakes, or get told to do things differently, I am still okay. I’m still a worthwhile person, worthy of the love of God. I can always talk to God about it. He’ll help me.

16. I take myself to Tanglewood by looking at a picture I have of Tanglewood. If I’m not near my picture, I use my cross ring as an anchor to remind myself to take myself to Tanglewood in my mind. It helps me relax and breathe.

After I go through Process One, I proceed to Process Two — Make a Plan:

1. I recheck my anxiety level. How am I feeling? I feel more relaxed and positive about myself. I feel like everything is going to be okay.

2. I breathe big and deep.

3. What’s the information? My principal sent me two reprimanding emails and I’m blaming myself for not speaking up when I should have and feel lousy about myself.

4. What are my choices? I can keep beating myself up about it, replaying it in my mind, and thus living in the past, or I can accept what happened, turn it over to God, let it go, and move on.

5. I hold the outcome in the Light of God, give thanks, and visualize what I want.

6. I take action in the direction of the choices I’ve made. If needed, I plan my additional steps. I will accept what happened and stop beating myself up. I will do step work around the incident and will read it to my sponsor. I will then go play music.

7. I affirm my choices and accept them. I accept my plan and am comfortable with it.

8. I give it all to God by either placing my problem in an imaginary goblet and offering it up to God with arms outstretched, or by getting on my hands and knees and giving it to him. Dear God, I give you my principal at this school, her opinion of me, and my future there to the highest good of all involved.

9. I ask myself, Where could I put my mind that’s not on this? I go play Bach and etudes on my violin and play my own music on my guitar. I once again rediscover why God has me on this earth – to play music.

Positive Affirmations: I am a worthwhile person just because I exist.

• I love myself unconditionally.
• I am a child of God.
• I don’t have to do anything to be okay.
• God doesn’t make junk. I am perfect just the way I am.

Additional practices that help me work through my low self-esteem. Submission: I get down on my knees in the morning, give my life and my day to God, and ask that His will be done. I say The Lord’s Prayer, The Serenity Prayer, and My 11^th Step Prayer. This helps to remind me that God loves me and is there for me.

• Worship: I pray to God. I walk into His healing arms. I tell him what is bothering me and ask for help. I ask him through prayer to help me feel better about myself. I listen to him through meditation.
• Constant God connection: I pray as much as I can throughout the day, listen for His guidance, and try to do His will as I think He has told me. Just knowing that I’m trying to do His will and follow Him helps me to feel better about myself. If I’m listening to and following God, there must be good in me.
• Step work: I work the steps on whatever situation is triggering my low self-esteem. Doing a 4^th Step inventory of my positive character traits also helps. An example of this can be found in the “Positive Character Traits” part of this book.
• Program literature: Reading the 12 Promises, 12 Steps, and 12 Traditions of Co-Dependents Anonymous really helps me to rediscover my sense of worth by getting me back on track with program and putting God in the driver’s seat. Reading the CoDA basic text and the stories within its pages reminds me that I am worthwhile just because I exist and that I’m not terminally unique.
• Music: I listen to and/or play etudes, Handel’s Messiah, and Bach’s Sonatas and Partitas on my violin, or sing and play my own music on my guitar when I’m feeling bad about myself. Being able to play music raises my self-confidence.
• Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, taking a spin class, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to feel better about myself.
• Attend meetings: Going to a CoDA meeting is one of the best ways for me to work through the tough times when I’m suffering from low self-esteem. I learn a lot from what others share and just being with them makes me feel less defective.
• Gratitude list: Reading my gratitude list helps bring me back to a place where I realize how wonderful my life is, how much I have, and how much I’ve accomplished. This helps me to realize that I count and matter in this world.
• Documentation: I record my thoughts and revelations about the situation that is causing my low self-esteem. Then I listen to the tape and write the contents into my computer. Working the matter out in this way really helps me to become settled on the matter.  
• Give it to God: I place the person and situation that is triggering my low self-esteem into a beautiful, imaginary goblet and offer it up to God. Then I put a note in my God Box about it. This helps me let go and move on.
• Service work: I always feel better after doing service work. I know I’ve done something good by giving back and helping other people.