Mom

My mother was one of the strongest people I knew.  She died 14 years ago come April. I can only hope to be as strong as she was someday. I trust that she is looking down on me from heaven, sending me some of her strength because I sure need it. Despite everything she had been through, which was a lot, she still got up every day, put her makeup on, and did what she could to fulfill her dreams. I admire that. She was one of the most loving, giving, caring, sensitive, compassionate, creative, and talented people I have ever met.

She could also be one of the most cunning, manipulative, critical, judgmental, and dishonest people I ever knew. Mom would put her acting talents to work and pull the wool over people’s eyes on a regular basis. She could talk anyone into and make anyone believe anything.

It is only after going through some of the most painful emotional experiences and lessons of recent times that I can even begin to fathom the horrible garbage she went through. But she still kept going. We didn’t see eye to eye on that much stuff. But I sure admired her stamina and strength of spirit.

As I look back now on our history together, I believe that she did the best she could to be a good mother to me. That was the most she could give and she gave it. 

My relationship with my mother is one of the primary relationships that brought me to Codependents Anonymous (CoDA).

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns[1] Present With Mom

I am not conscious of my own moods, I am conscious of your moods.

If you’re happy, I’m happy.

Your moods and actions are my fault.

If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.

It’s difficult for me to recognize my moods or articulate them.

I am inclined to diminish, change, or refute my moods.

If you like me, I like me.

If you think I’m good, I think I’m good.

I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.

My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.

I think I have to be perfect and so do you.  Nothing less will do.

I am less than.

[1] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.

Juliet’s Feelings Patterns Present With Mom

This is all my fault, I did something wrong.

They are right, I am wrong.

They are going to abandon me.

They are going to reject me.

I don’t deserve good things.

I am less than.

I am ashamed.

I’m bad and now everyone knows it.  I’ll be alone forever.

Different from everyone

I am only worth what I accomplish.

I’m not good enough to be here.

It would take many years of program work to undo these codependency and feelings patterns. 

[1] Ibid.