My Compulsiveness around Mom

I had a tendency to compulsively overeat around Mom, especially food with sugar in it. I remember one particular incident back when my sister Alice was competing in the Miss Vermont Pageant. I went to the liquor store with Mom and bought a whole bag of dark chocolate Oreos.

This is my compulsion rearing its ugly head. My sponsor says this is my way of trying to be in control. Perhaps it is how I relieved stress when I was around her. I guess it was an escape mechanism.  

I am trying to recreate myself. I am trying to actively work a program of recovery from codependency, which includes new habits and healthier behaviors, while ridding myself of the old ones that no longer serve me. When I enter into the environment of my family of origin where I am expected to behave a certain way, it’s easy to slip into old behaviors and habits.  It’s what is expected.  It’s almost comfortable. I think that is where the sugar thing comes from.  I was always eating when I was younger. I think my mother planned for it and bought that kind of stuff so it would be there for me so I could gorge myself.

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns[1] During Compulsive Overeating

It’s difficult for me to recognize my moods or articulate them.

I am inclined to diminish, change, or refute my moods.

I ignore and ditch all my other friends as you are the center of my world. (Meaning the food.)

My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.

I shove my morals under the carpet to be with you.

I avoid my uncomfortable feelings by stuffing them down with food. 

I am less than.

[1] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.

Juliet’s Feelings[1]

I am less than.

I am ashamed.

I’m bad and now everyone knows it.  I’ll be alone forever.

Different from everyone

I’m not good enough to be here.

I don’t feel good about myself, so I eat to stuff those feelings down and make them go away.

[1] Ibid.