My Resolution With Mom
My relationship with my mother in the later years of her life was a healthier one. I won’t say it was perfect, because it wasn’t, but I think I learned how to take care of myself.
Taking care of myself involved a few things. I lived on the opposite side of the country. I saw her a few times a year. I talked to her often on the phone. My sister and her significant other lived close to her and assumed the responsibility for taking care of Mom. I am very appreciative of that.
I tried not to let her get under my skin. One way I supported myself in this endeavor was to not stay with her for more than a few days at a time. She always said that guests are like fish; after three days they smell. She never came to my place in Vermont. The state of Vermont had bad memories for her and I understood that.
I am trying hard to work on myself. I’m learning healthier behaviors that work better for me and for those around me. I’m hoping it is having a positive effect on my family of origin.
If I’m angry, I either hit my punching bag and yell and scream or I journal and then burn what I’ve written. If I’m sad, I’m learning to let myself cry. If I’m happy, I try to share it with people. And I try not to let my happiness be diminished if the person I am sharing it with doesn’t share my excitement.
My real test came when Mom fell off the wagon and started actively drinking again in October of 2010. I was proud of the way I was able to let go and not get panicked about it. I was able to observe, not react, at least for the most part. Yay me!!! Unfortunately she also had cancer at the time. Her alcohol use as well as her chemo aggravated her seizure disorder and she failed quickly. She died on Saturday, April 30, 2011 at 5:05 am in hospice.
I have known several people who have had cancer and it gets to me every time. I can’t help thinking, What if it was me? What would I be thinking and feeling if I were the one that was just diagnosed with cancer? How would I make it okay with myself? I wrote my song Something to Believe In as my response to those questions.
The moment I woke up
Was the day the tests came back
With ev’ry word that left his lips
Sweat poured down my back.
Heart pounding, mind racing,
Soul screaming, paralyzing,
Knee buckling,
blood draining disbelief.
(God this isn’t real.)
And my resolution…
But I guess that’s the way he wants it,
To end it would be a sin
This is our trial, our test of faith
Endure the suffering, and win the race
It’s not our show
It’s his to run, we can only come home
Like the prodigal son
Do our best to give up control
Bide our time, walk in faith
And search for
Something to believe in
Something to hold
Something to dream about
Before my blood runs cold
Inject it like a serum
let the truth be told
Cuz Lord I need it now.
(Something to Believe In, from Fearless Moral Inventory, by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2010, all rights reserved,)
I really miss Mom. I miss the good times. I’m glad she didn’t suffer.
I think Mom was broken for a really long time and couldn’t dig her way out of her brokenness. Maybe the gift she gave me was that I saw her leaning on the sink, too numbed out to cope with the pain of losing the love of her life. She gave me that experience so that when I went through that experience myself, I could be strong enough not to lean against the sink and numb myself out.
I did choose to dig my way out and not destroy myself for the sake of my relationship with my husband. I chose differently than Mom did. I wish things had turned out differently for me and for Mom, but like CoDA teaches, it’s not Juliet’s will be done, it’s Thy will be done.
Life is not perfect. It’s not a fairy tale. Things happen. People get hurt. People get sick. People make mistakes. People cheat. People lie. People die. People check out and die before situations are resolved and it makes for a very uncomfortable departure. So one does their best to grieve, heal, go on and become the person God intends for her to be. That is what I am doing.
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