The Barn and Anita Flew into Action

The Barn

The barn was the place where he would vent his anger at me.  Perhaps a horse would fright at something, or a grain bucket wouldn’t hang right. Or maybe the water bucket would spill on him on his way to the stall, or he’d drop some hay, or I wouldn’t hear him and would do something wrong.   The slightest thing would make him go off like a time bomb.  

My biggest sin was being too sensitive.  I remember one time he said to me, “I feel like I can’t say anything to you because you’re so sensitive.”  In my typical fashion, I may well have said nothing.  But somehow the subject got brought up again with me saying I didn’t want him to feel like he couldn’t talk to me because I’m too sensitive. 

“I don’t feel that way,” he said.  Okay, mixed signals. 

“I’ve had a hard life with a lot of disappointments,” I remember him saying.  I remember him getting so rageful I thought he was going to cry.  Poor guy.  He was really hurting.  I see myself in him.

The animals could sense his stress too, especially the horses.

My sister and I would always dread it when he would get the horses out as they would always freak out.  We’d typically be hitching them to a cart.  They would often not want to stand still during this process.  Either that or they wouldn’t want to go up the hill from the big barn to the ring. They would be hitched to the cart, refusing his commands to go up the hill and balking at moving forward. He would get frustrated and start yelling and cursing.  That wouldn’t really help.  So, the rage would start again.  It was a continuous cycle. Eventually they would obey and we would get them up to the ring for a workout. But what we had to go through to get to that point stunk.

Anita Flew into Action

Alice and I competed at the New England Morgan Horse Show every summer.  During one of those summers, while Alice was preparing for a very important equitation class (where the rider’s form is judged), Mom and I decided to go back to the hotel.  Unfortunately for everyone, we failed to realize that the coat for Alice’s riding habit was still in Mom’s car. 

Dad went to see Anita at Bridlevale Farms for help. 

Anita found a new habit for Alice to wear   Somehow, Mom and I got back just in time for Alice to change into her own habit and enter the show ring on time. Then the shit really hit the fan.  Dad yelled and went into a completely out of control, blaming tantrum that could be heard all over the fairgrounds.

“Anita flew into action!” he repeated like a broken record, his eyes wide with a face so expressive that one would think that he had just witnessed Christ rising from the dead.

“Alright, alright,” Mom finally interrupted in her shaky, yet I’ve-had-enough voice.

“So what, you’re going to get mad now?” he said, laughing at her.

He was completely impossible to argue with, so it was useless trying.  He always won.   Always.  I was always being prosecuted when I was talking to him.  He was trying to trip me up and he would succeed in spades every time.  He would just hammer and hammer and hammer and hammer me to death until I broke.  He was great at it.  That’s why he won so many cases.  I didn’t stand a chance at defending myself. I was toast.

He did that to my mother too. So she got back at him by drinking.  It was the only defense she really had.  This was their game and they played it all the time.

Naturally I felt like if I was perfect, he wouldn’t have to get so upset. 

Below I have listed the Codependency Patterns that were active during these experiences, which are on the left. The responses to the right reflect the new Juliet who is in recovery from codependency.  

This is progress. Huge progress. Am I perfect? No. Not by any stretch of the imagination. But progress, not perfection, right? One foot in front of the other foot. 

I also had a big list of Juliet’s Feelings Patterns. Again, thanks to 20 years of recovery, these patterns have changed as follows: 

Now back then, as a kid, I did the best I could. I didn’t have this recovery then. I think my parents did the best they could too. They were going through a lot of tough stuff during this time in their careers, marriage and life in general. They were difficult years.