Control Freak
Dad was a real control freak. He insisted on controlling everything in the house. It was his kingdom and you better not forget it. He was in charge, the man of the house, the breadwinner, and the most important person. And who could blame him really? He had a lot on his shoulders. He had all that property to take care of, his restaurant, and a real estate business to run. He was the sole breadwinner and had to try and hide all of the family secrets on top of that. That’s a lot of pressure for one person.
Dad’s control was far reaching. I felt like he really wanted to control my entire life to make sure I was perfect enough to make him look good. That meant controlling how I looked, what I did, how well I performed in school, who I dated, how well I performed at horse shows, and how I expressed myself in all situations. If I was sick, he got mad at me. I remember one time we were in Northampton at a horse show, and I had a very bad sore throat. Instead of taking care of me and getting me the medicine I needed, he scolded me.
If I was emotional, he would get mad. When I was 15 I won the youth park saddle class at the Massachusetts Morgan Horse Show on my horse Ben. This was the only time he didn’t get mad at me for being emotional. Every other time, it was completely unacceptable. I was supposed to be his perfect, stone-faced, little soldier. He really wanted me to act and look a certain way at all times. No wonder I tried to change, diminish, or refute my moods. Why would I want more of his rage?
When I was in the show ring, he even tried to control the outcome of the class or show. It had to be arranged for victory. He never paid off any judges or anything like that, but he did arrange the qualifications of one show to not include equitation so that my score would be higher.
At one point, Mom wanted to go back to work and he wouldn’t let her.
“I am the breadwinner of this family,” he would yell.
Mom would have been better off working, but she bowed down to his demands. Everyone did.
Dad attempted to control everything around him.
Below I have listed the Codependency Patterns that were active during these experiences, which are on the left. The responses to the right reflect the new Juliet who is in recovery from codependency.
| Juliet’s Codependency Patterns Before Recovery | Juliet’s Codependency Patterns In Recovery |
| I am not conscious of my own moods, I am conscious of your moods. | I am conscious of my moods as well as your moods. My moods matter too now. |
| If you’re happy, I’m happy. | I can be happy even if you are not happy. My mood is no longer dependent on yours. |
| Your moods and actions are my fault. | I no longer assume responsibility for your moods and actions. They belong to you. If I catch myself feeling overly responsible for you and what is going on in your life, I put myself in check and work my program by doing stepwork, journaling and putting my mind on something else. |
| If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you. | I have compassion and empathy for you when you are hurting. But it doesn’t mean I have to feel your feelings. I don’t feel like I have to fix you. I can listen. |
| It’s difficult for me to recognize my moods or articulate them. | I am more in touch with what my moods are. If necessary, I take the time to discern how I am feeling and why. |
| I am inclined to diminish, change, or refute my moods. | I let my moods be what they are without denying or trying to change them. If I am in a setting where it is not safe to do this, I maintain my composure and limit my sharing until I am in a safe place. |
| If you like me, I like me. | Now I can like myself even if you don’t. This can still take some work depending on how close I am to the person involved. |
| If you think I’m good, I think I’m good. | Today I know that I am a beloved child of God just because God loves me. It no longer depends solely on what you think. |
| I don’t know what I need, I focus on what you need. | What I need is just as important as what you need. |
| I like to do whatever you like to do. What I like to do isn’t important. | What I like to do is just as important as what you like to do. If we disagree, we can compromise to find a balance in our activity that works for both of us. |
| Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong. | You are no longer always right and I am no longer always wrong. I have the ability to know the right thing to do. When I catch myself struggling with this, I go back to my recovery materials to get back in balance. |
| I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you. | My happiness and safety no longer depend on whether you stay or go. I have God, my CoDA and spiritual communities. If I catch myself falling into this trap with others, students or parents of students, I go back to my recovery materials to get back in balance. |
| My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave. | My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection no longer determine how I behave. I am very aware of what triggers me and have tools to deal with them. If I catch myself falling into this pattern, I get out my recovery materials or get to a meeting to get back in balance. |
| Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll do or be whatever you say. | I don’t like it when people are mad at me, but I no longer turn into a chameleon to avoid conflict. Conflict is part of the human condition. However, this can be a sensitive situation with my students’ parents. But I take time out, assess the situation, get support as necessary and make decisions that are appropriate. |
| Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll feel however you want me to feel. | I don’t like it when people are mad at me, but their anger doesn’t change my feelings. If I am uncertain about how I’m feeling, I will journal, call my sponsor or a program friend. |
| I think I have to be perfect and so do you. Nothing less will do. | No one is perfect but God. We all do our best. Perfectionism is one of my biggest defects of character. I am very aware of when it raises its ugly head. |
| I am less than. | I am enough just because I am me. I am equal to others. |
So what about my control issues? And what about my control issues in relation to my father?
- In a way, my efforts to hide my moods and be what he wanted me to be was a control pattern because I figured if I felt the way he wanted me to feel, then he would love me and I would feel safe.
- If I take on his actions and moods as being my fault, then that gives me control as I can try to fix them. To confront him with his actions and give his moods back to him might result in conflict. In that situation love would be taken away.
- All of my actions are designed to avoid fear of abandonment, fear of rejection and shame.
- If I am perfect, how can he abandon or reject me? Won’t he love me? This is another attempt at controlling the situation so that I will get the love I need and feel safe.
- I so wanted his love and approval. I tried for years and years to acquire it.
I don’t have to live that way today. My Higher Power, whom I choose to call God reigns supreme. I focus on him now. Sure, I have my slips where I worry too much about what someone thinks, but I go back to working my program and gain my center back.
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