Illness an Mess

Neither one has noticed what’s up ahead

They haven’t even noticed the lights have changed

One moment with your head turned can really change your life.

Worship money, you’ll lose it all

Then you’ll really pay

And I almost had it my way

I almost had it made

The best money can buy

I could have had the best there was

I would have sacrificed the love

(From The Best Money Can Buy, from Beloved, by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2003, all rights reserved.)

In his mid-60s, Dad was diagnosed with Pick’s disease, a form of dementia.  I am uncertain of the date as he kept it a secret from everyone but Seleste, his secretary and apparent girlfriend.   He lost the ability to read and write, answer and dial a telephone, and eventually drive. He couldn’t put on his jacket or find the door handle by himself.  He got lost walking around the farm and in the town where he worked. 

Eventually, he moved into the apartment upstairs from his office and had Seleste taking care of him and driving him to Stockbridge on the weekends. 

Ultimately, his illness was revealed to the family.  At least it explained a few things.

Very shortly after that, my parents were in a very serious car accident.  Mom was driving. Neither one of them was wearing their seatbelt.   We never wore them as kids either.

Mom had been drinking and there was booze in the cubby, but due to her amazing acting abilities the police never found it.

Both of my parents refused initial medical treatment.

A short time later, Dad ended up in the hospital with pneumonia due to a cracked rib. He eventually went into a nursing home and never came out. 

Since Dad had lost the ability to read, write, and dial a telephone, Seleste was conducting all of his business affairs.  This means that she had her name on all of the accounts, including the liquid assets.  Dad had lost a lot in the Crash of 1991, so he had much of his money in cash.  None of my father’s affairs were in order at the time of his illness.

So, Dad was in a nursing home, Mom was self-medicating to dangerous extents, and the secretary was in control of all the money.  What a mess! 

Watching Dad fail and pass away was difficult for all of us.  It took a huge toll on everyone emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially and this changed everyone’s lives forever.  The financial and legal mess we were left with was even worse.  Top it off with Mom’s struggles with her disease and you’ve got chaos with lots of stress for anyone to deal with. 

Fast forward through the nursing homes, hospital visits, attorneys, accountants, investors, guardians, heaps of legal documents, real estate matters, and secretary clean-up duty, and we get to the result. My sister and I finally got the whole mess sorted out and kept our parents as safe as we could.  It took twelve years. 

I wrote my song The Best Money Can Buy about the car accident and Seleste’s intentions with my father’s money. 

Worship money and you’re bound to lose; that’s my motto.  You can’t take it with you.  In the end, six feet of dirt make us all one size.[1] 

I, of course, tried to blame myself.  If I had forced Dad to tell me what was wrong with him and not been such a wimp, somehow I could have prevented all of this.

Are we responsible for our parents?  I think it’s difficult for anyone to say without any guilt at all that they are not responsible for their parents.  I mean who else was going to muddle through this confusion and take care of these people if we didn’t do it?  Saddle an overly responsible codependent with this and you’ve got some real stress on your hands.

It was my responsibility to fix all of this.  And it was obviously all my fault.

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[1] Ola Belle Reed, “Six Feet of Earth Makes Us All of One Size,” The Angels Are Singing. (Cambridge, MA: Rounder Records, 2002). 

Since I have been in recovery, I have learned a few things. Everything is not my fault. 

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns at work:

• Your moods and actions are my fault.
•  If you hurt, I hurt; I think I have to fix you.
• I don’t know what I need, I focus on what you need.
•  I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you. 
• My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
• I think I have to be perfect and so do you.  Nothing less will do.

Juliet’s Feelings Patterns at work:

• They are right, I am wrong.
• They are going to abandon me.
• They are going to reject me.
• I don’t deserve good things.
• I am less than. 
• I am ashamed. 
• I’m bad and now everyone knows it.  I’ll be alone forever.

I have positive affirmations which help me with this:

• I am only responsible for myself
• God loves me. God is in control. I am safe. 
• Trust God and do the next right thing.
• Everything is as it is supposed to be at this moment. 
• Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. 
• Just relax.
• Breathe.
• What other people think of me is none of my business. 
• Other people’s behavior has nothing to do with me. 
• Stop all or nothing catastrophic thinking, little steps at a time.
• Stop patterns of negative thinking. I think only positive thoughts about myself and others.
• I live in abundance and gratitude in that I have everything I need to sustain me in this life.

I have mantras that help me with this too:

• This too shall pass
• Easy does it.
• I can’t. God can. I think I’ll let him. 
• Let go and let God. 

Thank you, God, for this learning.