Pretend You Don’t See

Pretend You Don’t See

One habit of survival I developed as a child was “pretend you don’t see.”  This process involved immediately looking away in a very relaxed, unnoticeable way when one sees something that one shouldn’t.  It avoided getting yelled at, humiliated, spanked, or shamed. 

I pretended I didn’t see what was happening.  I didn’t look, even if I wanted to know. 

I used this technique the first time I saw my dad kissing another woman.  I must have been young because the staircase of my dad’s office building seemed big to me and I could still slide down its railing. I was coming down that staircase (the normal way) after visiting Grammy Amy in her apartment and looked into Dad’s office. There he was kissing a blonde woman.  I remember that I walked in and he immediately tried to cover it up, by making small talk.

“Well, anyway,” he stuttered, trying to compose himself and moving away from her. 

“Julie, this lady has a dog like Tack.”

Even at that young age, I knew his words were nonsense.  I knew I was walking in on something that was not meant for my eyes or ears. But there I was so what was I supposed to do?  Denial was easier for me than confrontation, and still is.  So I walked in the room, pretended I didn’t see anything, pretended everything was okay.  It seemed to be the only option. A quick exit from the room would only have made things more uncomfortable.  So I made small talk with the woman and Dad until she left.

In her book Codependents’ Guide to the Twelve Steps, author Melody Beatty states that “Denial refers to our ability to ignore what is happening, even when it is right before our eyes…part of us knows what’s true; part of us knows what’s real.”[1]

I used denial many, many times when Mom or Dad was drunk.  I felt embarrassed by it, but wasn’t supposed to say anything. Denial.  Pretend it isn’t happening.  Ignore it.  The family preferred it that way.

This is also linked to my defect of being overly responsible, because part of me was trying to save the other person from embarrassment.  I was responsible for their feelings. However, I could get the backlash for exposing them, so I was also protecting myself.

Gosh, I can’t imagine what would have happened if, when I caught Dad kissing that woman, I had said, “Wow, you’re cheating on Mom, you pig.” I think his head would have blown off, or he would have killed me.  Or both.

Melody Beattie has a very good section on denial in her book, Codependent No More.  In it, Beattie states that she believes we perform most of our codependent behaviors when we are in denial.[2] It also makes us extra crazy, because we are lying to ourselves.[3]

I did this for years.  By pretending I was crazy, defective, and the like, I could avoid dealing with the frightening reality I was living. My mother’s alcoholism, and my dad’s rage, sex addictions, and legal issues caused problems.  But, deep down, I knew I was lying to myself, so it didn’t really work.

I also used this denial/pretend you don’t see technique when a pervert in Miami was jerking off while he pretended to ask me for directions.  Pretend you don’t see it. 

I used this technique at my wedding too. I remember one woman’s blouse had come undone and was wide open while we were talking.  I didn’t want to embarrass her, so I pretended I didn’t notice.

I would also use it when I found the card on the counter that eventually ended my marriage.  Pretend you don’t see the gorilla in the room.

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns at work: 

• I am not conscious of my own moods, I am conscious of your moods.
• If you’re happy, I’m happy.
• It’s difficult for me to recognize my moods or articulate them.
•  I am inclined to diminish, change, or refute my moods.
• I shower you with favors and pleasures to make you stay.
•  My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
• I shove my morals under the carpet to be with you.
• Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll do or be whatever you say.
• Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll feel however you want me to feel.

Juliet’s Feelings Patterns at work:

• They are right, I am wrong.
• They are going to abandon me.
• They are going to reject me.
• I don’t deserve good things.
• I am less than. 

I have positive affirmations which help me with this:

• What other people think of me is none of my business. 
• Other people’s behavior has nothing to do with me. 
• I am only responsible for myself
• God loves me. God is in control. I am safe. 
• Everything is as it is supposed to be at this moment. 
• Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. 
• Stop all or nothing catastrophic thinking, little steps at a time.

I have mantras that help me with this too:

• Trust God and do the next right thing. 
• This too shall pass
• Easy does it.
• I can’t. God can. I think I’ll let him. 
• Let go and let God. 
• Just relax.
• Breathe.

Thank you, God, for this learning.

[1] Melody Beattie, Codependents’ Guide to the Twelve Steps. (New York, NY: Fireside, 1990), p. 217.  

[2] Melody Beattie, Codependent No More, 2^nd Edition (Center City, MN: Hazelden, 1992), p. 135

[3] Ibid.