CoDependency at School 

The overarching codependent theme for Juliet at school was that I had low self-esteem and felt less than. Therefore, I tied my self-worth to my accomplishments in my schoolwork and, of course, my looks.  If I was good in school, I had self-worth.  If I failed at school, I was worthless. 

I thought that if I was perfect at my schoolwork, people wouldn’t have to find out what an awful person I was.  If I was perfect in everything I did, I could make Mom and Dad’s problems go away and maybe they would love and approve of me.  Maybe they’d forget how ugly I was.  

I had no self-worth.  I didn’t perceive myself as a loveable or worthwhile person.  I was only loveable or worthwhile if I was perfect, getting straight As, and receiving love from the person who I wanted to love me.   Thus, most of the time, I was a failure.

Grade School and Junior High

The patterns I describe below were especially true at the Interlochen Arts Academy High School and the University of Miami. 

While at Stockbridge Elementary School (kindergarten through sixth grade), I became too impacted by the dysfunction going on at home to realize that this was what I was doing. 

At Rochester Junior Senior High School School (seventh through ninth grade), I tied my self-worth to my looks, who liked me, and my grades.  Since most of the time I wasn’t doing as well as I wanted in any of those areas, I considered myself a failure. I felt less than.

My grade school and junior high school years were spent in Vermont.

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns at Work:

• I am not conscious of my own moods, I am conscious of your moods.
• If you’re happy, I’m happy.
• Your moods and actions are my fault.
• It’s difficult for me to recognize my moods or articulate them.
• I am inclined to diminish, change, or refute my moods. 
• If you like me, I like me. 
• If you think I’m good, I think I’m good. 
• Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong.   
• My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
• I think I have to be perfect and so do you.  Nothing less will do.
• I am less than

[1] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.

Juliet’s Feelings[1]

• This is all my fault, I did something wrong.
• They are right, I am wrong.
• They are going to abandon me.
• They are going to reject me.
• I don’t deserve good things.
• I am less than.
• I am ashamed.
• I’m bad and now everyone knows it.  I’ll be alone forever.
• Different from everyone 
• I am only worth what I accomplish.
• I’m not good enough to be here.

I have positive affirmations now which help me with this:

• What other people think of me is none of my business. 
• Other people’s behavior has nothing to do with me. 
• I am worthy of love just because I exist. 
• I am enough.
• God knows everything about me and loves me anyway.
• I am a child of God. 
• Today I am God’s brand new creation. 
• None of this is my fault. 
• I release the need to blame anyone, including myself. 

Thank you, God, for this learning.

[1] Ibid.