Escape into Food

I began escaping into food very early in my life.

Actually, when I first arrived at Stockbridge Central School, I could have been identified as a picky eater.  I remember picking at my hot lunch and not liking it. 

Well, that didn’t last long.  My friend Claire was the protagonist in this incident.  I think she convinced me the food wasn’t so bad.  Pretty soon, I was wolfing it down like it was my last meal.

“Slow down, Juliet… the food isn’t gonna run away from ya!” she said at other times.

I ate a lot during my school years.  Food was my drug of choice. Dad hated that, and Mom would pick on me as she stuffed food in my mouth at the same time, sending out a mixed message. 

My compulsive overeating had begun.  Food was my painkiller, my entertainment, my best friend and companion.  It helped me feel better because as I stuffed down the food, I would stuff down all of my sadness.  Before you knew it, I was plowing through every piece of food in sight.  Except lima beans. And liver. Ugh.  I still hate both.  My biggest nightmare is a lima bean, mushroom, liver, black olive, and blue cheese soufflé topped off with a round of sushi.  Man that would make me put my fork down in a hurry.  Ick.   

But my soufflé nightmare never materialized, so I started eating everything else in sight and got chunky.

All of a sudden, I couldn’t get enough food. 

Here are Juliet’s Codependency and Feelings Patterns that are often at work when I am eating compulsively: 

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns

• It’s difficult for me to recognize my moods or articulate them.
• I am inclined to diminish, change, or refute my moods.
• My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
• I think I have to be perfect and so do you.  Nothing less will do.
• I am less than.

Juliet’s Feelings Patterns

• This is all my fault, I did something wrong. 
• They are going to abandon me.
• They are going to reject me.
• I don’t deserve good things.
• I am less than. 
• I am ashamed. 
• I’m bad and now everyone knows it.  I’ll be alone forever. 
• Different from everyone 
• I am only worth what I accomplish.
• I’m not good enough to be here.

Here are some positive affirmations that I use when I have the urge to eat compulsively:

• God and me fill that empty space inside of me.
• God doesn’t make junk. I am a perfect child of God just the way I am.
• I am beautiful inside and out.
• I am beautiful, thin, and a winner.
• I do my best to take care of myself and that is all I can expect of anyone, including myself.
• I am enough
• I deserve good things. 
• Today I am God’s brand new creation. 
• I release the need to blame anyone, including myself. 

Here are some mantras that help me when I’m feeling compulsive: 

• Where could I put my mind that’s not on this?
• I am powerless over this situation. I am powerless over my compulsiveness. My life has become unmanageable.
• Put the fork down and go do something else.
• Julie has a job to do. Julie has to follow God and let go, make her music, paint, work her recovery program, and do her book. That’s what God wants.
• In this moment, I let go of what I can’t control.
• In the moment I let go and let God.
• Dear God, I give you my compulsiveness for my highest good.

 [1] Adapted from the Family of Origin packet materials provided by the Sequoia Recovery Center.