Catch and Kiss

When I was seven, the Pilate family moved to Pittsfield, Vermont. Ava and her really cute brother Sylvester started attending Stockbridge-Pittsfield Central School. One time, a bunch of us were on the playground during recess and the other kids decided to play “Catch and Kiss.”  They caught Sylvester and held him down by his hair.  I kissed him as instructed.  I’m pretty sure I kissed him on the cheek.  I would never have been bold enough to kiss him on the lips.  I mean, give me a break, I was only seven. 

But I do remember getting in trouble because of the kiss.  I was bawling in the teacher’s room like I had committed a mortal sin or I was going to be sent to the gas chamber. I don’t remember what happened except that I was too scared to go home for fear of getting in trouble. So I hid behind the apple trees until someone saw me. I don’t remember what else happened after that. I was mortified. I guess it must have all worked out okay.  Mom, no doubt, had bigger problems on her mind. I don’t even remember her getting mad at me or anything.

Why did the teachers make such a big deal about it? Were they conservative? I knew they were drinking and smoking and hitting kids.  (One of the teachers was caught with booze under the sink.) Yet they yelled at a kid for kissing another kid on the cheek?  I think they were yelling at the wrong people. After all, it wasn’t my idea. I was bullied into it by the other children.  Bullying, however, wasn’t a big deal back then.

Well, I guess they didn’t want to encourage promiscuity.

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns

• I am not conscious of my own moods, I am conscious of your moods.
•  Your moods and actions are my fault.
•  It’s difficult for me to recognize my moods or articulate them.
•  I am inclined to diminish, change, or refute my moods.
•  If you like me, I like me.
•  If you think I’m good, I think I’m good.
•  I don’t know what I need, I focus on what you need.
•  I like to do whatever you like to do. What I like to do isn’t important.
•  Your customs and thoughts are always right. I’m always wrong. 
•  I am obsessed with making you happy, with saving you.
•  My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
•  I shove my morals under the carpet to be with you.
•  Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll do or be whatever you say.
•  Please don’t get mad at me, I’ll feel however you want me to feel.
•   I am less than.

Juliet’s Feelings Patterns

• This is all my fault, I did something wrong.
• They are right, I am wrong. 
• They are going to abandon me.
•  They are going to reject me.
•  I don’t deserve good things.
•  I am less than.
•  I am ashamed.
•  I’m bad and now everyone knows it.  I’ll be alone forever.
•  Different from everyone
•  I’m not good enough to be here.

Positive Affirmations that are helpful when I am suffering from fear of abandonment, fear of rejection and shame: 

• I make mistakes, I’m not a mistake
• I will listen to the truth, which is that I always do my best and that’s enough.
• Just for today I will act in a way that I admire in someone else. 
• Their judgments are about them. They are telling me about them. I’ll remember my bubble. 
• What other people think of me is none of my business, even if it’s good. 
• It’s okay to make mistakes every day.
• I make mistakes, I’m not a mistake. 
• I am only responsible for myself. 
• I am worthy of love just because I exist.
• I am a beloved child of God just because I exist.
• Stop all or nothing catastrophic thinking, little steps at a time.

Here are some mantras that are helpful when I am suffering from fear of abandonment, fear of rejection and shame: 

• God is in charge. 
• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Don’t take it personally.
• Treat it like the front page of the newspaper. (This is another technique that my therapist taught me. Whatever I’m going through, I can imagine it is a headline on the front page of the paper that has some distance from my daily life. I find it helpful.)
• Humans make mistakes; that’s okay.
• Use your inner wisdom.
• Change your how high habit. When someone says jump, I have a habit of saying “how high?” I don’t have to do what everyone else wants me to do anymore. 
• Change your self-judgment habit.
• Set boundaries for yourself.
• Remember your bubble. (My therapist told me to imagine a protective bubble around myself so that when hurtful things happen I am not affected. The bad stuff only hits the outside of the bubble.) 
• Do your best, do your Make a plan Process, let go and let God. 
• It’s not my fault.

Now that I look back on this experience, I realize that I was such a compliant people pleaser. It is no wonder that incident played out like it did. I did the best I could in that moment. Thanks to recovery, I don’t have to do that anymore.