Skinny Isn’t Everything

This country puts too much of an emphasis on the physical appearance of women.  One does not have to do much searching to find tabloid news in which some celebrity is being chastised for weight gain or praised for weight loss.

This judgment and public chastising is not only detrimental to the person being judged, but it’s very superficial.  What is important is what is in a person’s heart and soul.  Every person on this planet is a beloved child of God just the way they are. I think God would be much happier with a person with a person who has warmth, compassion and understanding towards others whether they look like a fashion model or not.

Karen Carpenter was the victim of such criticism. I have always been a fan of hers.  I love her low alto voice.  As a kid I spent hours listening to and learning the songs she recorded with her brother. Years ago I watched a movie about her life and struggles with anorexia. Her obsession with her weight was triggered by a review she had read about a recent performance she and her brother had given. The reviewer had referred to her as Richards chubby sister.

Karen lost her battle with anorexia and died at the age of 32. I know we are all responsible for our own feelings and responses to things and I am in no way blaming whomever that review was for her death.  But I do think that people need to be more mindful of the judgments they pass on people in regards to their weight and appearance.  Looks aren’t everything.

Everything I am saying here I say to myself.  I am just as guilty as the next person for judging people for their weight. Last year I discovered a wonderful new folk singer who shall remain nameless.  I found her through a local women’s music festival, fell in love with her voice and bought her CD.  I still play it constantly. Not too long ago I found a video clip of this person on the internet and discovered that they were heavy.

“Oh wow, that’s too bad,” I thought to myself.  “That probably is going to have an affect on her career.  I wonder why she doesn’t lose weight?” I immediately scolded myself for this superficial judgment and did a 10^th step personal inventory on the subject. I was wrong and I knew it.

I myself have struggled with my weight my whole life. Throughout my career in Hollywood it was always an issue and had a negative affect on my job opportunities. Bandleaders were always getting on me about my weight.  It didn’t matter how talented I was.  How I looked was all that mattered.

Part of this has to do with my upbringing.  Both of my parents were always criticizing me for my weight.

One specific incident is stuck in my brain for all time. It has seriously affected how I feel about myself. What I interpreted from this incident was that I was a fat, ugly, unlovable loser.

My Codependency blames this incident. The reality is that I feel this way about myself because this is how I feel about myself. That’s it. My feelings and thoughts about myself are my responsibility.

Anyway, the following incident affected my inner teenager and me for years to come.

We stopped somewhere along the New York Thruway for a snack on the way home from Madison Square Garden, where my sister had been competing in the National Horse Show on her Saddlebred horse. I ordered a corn muffin with butter on it. Dad went berserk.

“You have a weight problem and you have to deal with it,” he roared in front of the whole restaurant.

I spent the rest of the meal staring at the muffin while I tried not to cry, because Lord knows, I would have gotten in trouble for that too. Don’t show your feelings. I was so mortified.

We were traveling in separate cars and I was riding in Mom’s car. When we got in the car to head home, I started bawling immediately.

“I feel so ugly,” I said.

“He never should have done that,” she responded.

People get judged for being fat. We live in a society where looks matter — a lot. I’ve fallen right into it too. I diet like crazy and work out like a fiend. I write down my weight every day and measure every morsel of food. I feel better though, being lean and in shape, and I’m actually as healthy as a horse.

From that day on, my inner child has felt like a fat, ugly loser. I am currently working with a therapist, CoDA, Overeaters Anonymous (OA), Weight Watchers, my sponsor, and in an inner-child workbook to rid myself of these negative beliefs.

That was one of the most shameful moments of my whole life.

I wrote my song “Expectations” about this very subject.

Why aren’t I thin, I overeat

Why aren’t I pretty, long arms, big feet

Shame on me, admit defeat

With your fantasy, I can’t compete

It’s perfect

 After all it’s all about you

 You’re the one who’s good

Why can’t I be who you want me to be

And take care of you like I should

You keep shoving expectations on me

I just keep trying to please you

You keep shoving expectations on me

I’ll lose myself trying to please you.

(Expectations, from Fearless Moral Inventory, by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)

Excerpts taken from

Wright, Juliet A. Everything is My Fault. Pownal, VT: Hidden Angel Publishing, 2012. p. 53.