Surrender, Self-Will and the Overly Responsible Codependent

I am a Quaker. To be quite specific about it, I am eighth generation Quaker. Quakerism abounds from my mother’s side of the family.  I worship with unprogrammed Friends.  For those of you who are not so familiar with Friends (Quakers) practice, unprogrammed Friends meet on Sundays for worship in silence to “Wait on the Lord.” There is no minister. We sit and listen for God’s guidance. When we sense that Spirit has something for us to say to the group, we rise and speak He is telling us to say. Many meetings are conducted almost totally in silence with no messages at all. (Incidentally there are programmed Friends, who do have somewhat of a regular church service with a minister. We are on the other end of the spectrum from that.)

So when it comes to Waiting on the Lord, as we say, or listening for Divine Guidance from that of God that is within us all, I am pretty up on that. I have been an active member of one Quaker Meeting or another for the past twenty-two years now. I have held several service jobs in these meetings, including but not limited to Clerk, Recording Clerk, member of Ministry and Counsel, Peace and Social Justice, Library Committee, and Adult Education. I have led workshops on Quakerism 101 and led singing before or after meeting on Sundays. So I’m not a newbie.

The other day as I was sweating my face off on the cross trainer at my local YMCA, I read another few pages of one of the Quaker texts I’ve been studying, Listening Spirituality Volume II, Corporate Spiritual Practice Among Friends. This is a fantastic book and I highly recommend it to anyone with an interest in Friends practices. In the particular chapter I was reading, the author was addressing the issues love, care, respect and humility among Meeting members.  The specific passage that caught my eye and got me thinking was portraying the idea that Spirit can help us to become less self-centered, let go of self-will and dedicate ourselves to the well being of others in the Meeting. The purpose to this end would be oneness and harmony with our fellow Quakers.

Sounds great. Count me in. However, as an overly responsible, caretaking codependent, I can pretty much drive that eco-friendly tour bus right off a cliff. You see, as an overly responsible codependent caretaker, everyone is more important than me. I don’t count. In my family of origin I was taught this. I was there to serve everyone else and I was responsible for everything that went wrong. It was my fault. So I hear this “get rid of self-will and don’t be self-centered,” and go one thousand miles in the other direction to the point where I pretty much don’t exist. “Okay, I’m just lame,” I say to myself. “I can’t stick up for myself or matter.  It doesn’t matter what I think or want.”

I took this passage of the book and these ideas, and decided to make amends with a fellow Quaker who has stopped coming to Meeting because of me, she says. So I called her and left a message and apologized. She called while I was leaving the message, so during that time, I apologized again! She said she couldn’t talk then and could she call me back. I suggested some times.  I’ve never heard from her.

Obsessiveness is another one of my defects of character. So I obsessed about this person, my attempted apology and failure for a week. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why couldn’t I just act like a normal human and think, “I did the best I could, I tried, so be it,” and let it go? Because I am codependent.

Now I’m sure the author of this fantastic, must-read book, Listening Spirituality, did not intend for us as readers, to obsess, take on the meeting as our cross to carry, and blame ourselves for everything all the time. Rather, I think she probably means that, as I stated in my last blog, God needs to be in the drivers seat. It’s not about what I, Juliet want. It is about God speaking through us to discern what is best for the Meeting. We are a spiritual family. But it doesn’t mean that I have to lie down and let the eco-friendly Quaker tour bus run over me!

All I have to do is my best. All I have to do is let go of my self-will, and let God speak and act through me to the best of my ability. I don’t have to be perfect, even though Quakers are historically known for striving for perfection.  All I have to do is the best I can to let God’s Light shine through me. I can do that. Breathing might help too. Hopefully when I go overboard and am ready to let the tour bus run over me, my fellow Quakers will help me out and put on the brakes. Loving communities do that. And I love my Quaker Meeting. I am so grateful each and every day to be a member of such a wonderful spiritual group that seeks together to discern and follow the voice of God. I can’t imagine anything more important.