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Making Contact (Spirituality)

 Listen to the silence

Listen to it whisper and moan

Listen, it just might tell us

What’s going on.

 ~ Listen to the Silence, from Beloved,

by Juliet A. Wright, copyright, 1991, all rights reserved

Many times on my way to or from work, I see a beautiful sky, dressed in dark, medium blue with black clouds and stars sprinkled through it. This is me making contact with God. I look at this breathtaking firmament and know God is going to take care of me. God is sovereign, in control, the man at the helm. He has a plan for Juliet. All I have to do is listen, trust, obey, and let go.

A 12-Step Call

I’ve been struggling with my food addiction for the past month. Actually I’ve been dealing with it since I got out of diapers, but I have had a special concern about it lately. So I opened The 12 Step Workbook of Overeaters Anonymous and found I was on Step 11. Making contact with God is the spiritual principle for Step 11. This is God’s will. I wrote and wrote and wrote as I poured out my heart to God in the form of answers to the questions posed in the workbook. It really helped.

Today I opened my computer files to see what spiritual principle was up next for editing, as I work on the completion of this book. Making contact was next on the list. Wow! My heart stopped. This is what they call a 12-Step Call. No doubt about it, God is speaking to me, wanting me to work Step 11. That is making a spiritual connection. This seeming happenstance is in fact God knocking on my door, reminding me to keep my focus on Him and His plan.

Relationships take time, energy, and attention. If I want a good relationship with someone, I must make a commitment to spend quality time with them. In the human perspective, this means time spent just with that person, eye to eye, ear to ear, focusing only on them. It means listening, speaking, sharing, being. It does not mean being in the same room, bed, car, or office with someone and ignoring them. That is not quality time. I’ve been there and I consider it emotional abuse. Now if both parties acknowledge each other and agree on silence, that is one thing. But if two people are in the same space and not communicating and one person is not getting their needs met, that is not making contact.

I think the same ideas apply to my relationship with God. If I want to have a good relationship with God, I must make time to be with Him every day. For me, this means sitting down with him first thing in the morning, and pouring out my heart and soul on paper in my journal. It also means me pouring out my heart and soul to Him in prayer. Then it means me closing my mouth, opening my heart and mind, and listening to Him. It means focusing on Him and what He wants for my life. It means that I keep bringing myself back to Him and to this time with Him, every moment that my mind wanders. It does not mean me doing fly-by-night prayers while I’m vacuuming, cleaning the sink, answering emails (how would that even be possible?) or, heaven forbid, watching TV. Quality time. God and I need quality time together. After all, we’re talking about God here.

And that, to me, is my definition of making contact, or spirituality. It has to do with my relationship with God. It means I take time daily to sit down and talk to God, just him and me.

As noted earlier, making contact, or spirituality, is the spiritual principle behind Step 11.

Step 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.[1]

When I need God, I just talk to Him. I just sit down in my chair at my altar and tell Him what’s on my mind. I tell Him what’s up with me. Then I wait. I wait on the Lord. I listen. I listen and wait some more. Then I open his Word and read what He has to say to me. It doesn’t have to be perfect. I just have to do it. I also talk to Him about stuff throughout my day whether I’m commuting, teaching, practicing, communicating with someone, writing, gardening, mowing the lawn, loading the car, washing the dishes, walking in the woods, taking a shower, waiting for a concert to start at Tanglewood, or lying in my bed waiting to fall asleep.

I include the 11^th Step in my prayers (I call it My 11^th Step Prayer), several times a day. I say:

I seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact God as I understand God, asking only for His will for me and the power to carry that out.

I also pray this prayer:

Dear God, let my thoughts be your thoughts, my words be your words, and

my actions be your actions.

I pray this prayer every day when I get to school, before I get out of the car. After teaching all day, I still have a tendency to beat myself up for any mistakes I made. I am working on changing that a little bit at a time.

This prayer reminds me of this portion of Psalm 19:

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer.”

~ Psalm 19:14

Making conscious contact with God makes my life better in every way. It opens the pathways, clears the throat, gets the blood moving. It makes a way open to see what God wants and clears the road to doing his will.

In terms of my over-responsibility and caretaking, I can sit, get in touch with God, and see what he wants me to do in a certain situation. He can also tell me if what I’m already doing is right or wrong.

Good decisions and results evolve from consistent contact with a Higher Power. For example, a couple of years back, one of my second-year viola students quit halfway through the year. She said it was because she had soccer practice after school and didn’t have time to practice the instrument. I, of course, blamed myself for her departure. Her mother had been dropping her off way too early for orchestra and I could not make that work with my schedule. So I had worked it out with the principal and the parent to have the student wait in the principal’s office until I arrived at school. This seemed to work out fine. I blamed myself anyway, for not being able to get to school early enough to coincide with her mother’s schedule.

I made conscious contact with God and gave the problem to Him. I asked that His will be done with Tina and orchestra class. Then I called the mom and expressed disappointment on her answering about Tina quitting, but wished them the best.

The mother actually called me back the next day and said that Tina had not wanted to play viola at all at the beginning of the year. She had asked her daughter to continue because she was good at it. The mom also said that she and Tina had agreed that she would finish out the year. She told me it wasn’t my fault. To Tina, soccer was more of a priority. I had made contact with God, gave it to Him, and His will was done. Making contact works. As a result, this change was made smoothly.

Asking for God’s will and the power to carry it out also makes my days run smoother. My early morning worship and prayer time allows me to start my day with God, which puts my focus for the day on Him. This makes me more inclined to ask Him to help me with things during the day, that His will be done. This really helps. I tend to be more relaxed, listen better, wait to respond, be less defensive and more open to the viewpoints of others. It also better enables me to admit I’m wrong, a defect of character I have been working on getting rid of for a long time now.

Another example of the positive effect making contact has had on my life occurred very recently. It is related to my brother-in-law passing away from cancer at the young age of 56. As I’ve mentioned, I have been very concerned for my sister’s well-being during this whole time. My over-responsibility and caretaking have gone through the roof at times. I’ve really struggled. This defect has been severe sometimes since Zeb’s death.

Throughout the 14 months that passed between his diagnosis and death, I have been transformed by God. I spent much of these months begging and pleading for a miracle. I was asking anyone and everyone to pray for his healing. Gradually, it became apparent that he was not going to recover. I began doing Step 11, making contact and asking that only His will be done. Zeb is now in heaven with God. I worry so much about my dear sister and the pain she is enduring in dealing with his death. But I’m learning to give that to God too. May His will be done in her life. I make contact, ask for help, and let go. It works. This is about God’s will and His will alone, not Juliet’s.

I still struggle some days, but lately the time of turmoil is shorter. For example, today my sister called me and said that she is having another memorial for him, maybe next April or May. I thought the memorial I did was enough. My therapist said we are only expected to do one. I don’t know if I could take another one. Plus, I’ll be teaching. So here is a perfect instance in which Juliet is trying to figure this out for herself.

What’s the better option? Give it to God. Ask Him what he wants me to do. Then sit, make contact, and listen for what He tells me to do with the situation. And He will tell me. Maybe not in that instant, but He’ll tell me in some way or another. I don’t have to sit here and fret and stew about how I don’t want to go through that again. I can give it to God.

My sister and I spent last Christmas together. During the planning process, very high priced hotels were suggested. I actually had the courage to say they were too expensive for me. This is a step forward. This is Juliet taking care of herself. This is the result of program. Making contact with God definitely helps me with my defect of over-responsibility. Just sit down and talk to God about it. Or go for a walk and talk to him. Or get on my knees in the middle of my office and beg. I just did that, actually. I feel better. I should go put a note in my God Box too. Good idea.

Indecisiveness creeps in here when I’m waiting to hear from God on what he wants me to do. The good news is that I don’t have to make a decision right away. If I’m asked to make a decision right away, I can say I’m not ready to do that.

My daily early morning contact with God has many parts to it. I journal, read my daily calendar bible verse, look it up in both of my bibles and underline it, and pray and do silent worship for 25 minutes. I also write some of the bible verses on index cards and work on memorizing them a little bit at a time. This happens every morning except Sunday when I go to a Quaker Meeting. I cherish the Quaker Meetings and I know God speaks to me through those people.

As noted, I try to make and/or keep contact with God all during the day. At certain points, I’ll need His support more. For instance, I might not know what to say to a student. So I may say, “God, please help me.” I’ll whisper it. Under certain circumstances, I don’t care if people hear me converse with God.

Sometimes I have so much to do here at the house with surviving, getting wood in, laundry, groceries, bills, etc., plus practicing music and the Hidden Angel business that I don’t know what to do first. So I ask God to decide for me. This works really well. God points me in a direction, I follow and do what’s in front of me and it gets done. Making Contact is vital for me and it works.

I make contact with God in all matters, especially in CoDA business situations. A Co-Dependents Anonymous group conscience is a good example of when I would ask God to watch over what’s happening in the business meeting. A group conscience is when the members of a CoDA meeting get together to discern a Higher Power’s (God’s) will for the group in a matter that affects how we run our group. This is spirituality in action.

Several years ago, I came to a crossroads in another arena of my life — my teaching career. I had a teaching position that was at risk of going part-time and the pay was low. The principal called me and said she would hire me as a para-professional (teachers assistant) for the remainder of my time, so I could relax. I would have a job. I went upstairs to my altar and gave thanks to God. I would be okay.

Then I found out about another teaching position; the job was local and had more days of just teaching music. I interviewed, liked the principal, and took the job. I worked out the schedule between the two principals so that both schools could be serviced. I thanked God. I felt God was telling me to do these two jobs.

Then a few days before school started, I got a call back about a position I had applied for in another district. I was working summer school at the time. I prayed about what to do. I asked God. I was going from the original message I felt He had given me when he told me to stay at my original school. I kept praying about this new job offer and development. I didn’t get any new messages and was getting really frustrated. Finally, I thought I got a message that said, “Go for it. Take care of yourself.” I wasn’t clear where this message was coming from. Was it coming from me and what I wanted or from God? I really began to feel like I was driving myself crazy, like a dog chasing her tail in circles. I kept praying and meditating for a long time that morning about it.

Later that morning, I went to work. I figured I might get a phone call from this new school district. I continued my prayers to God. I said, “God, please, if you want me to have this job, put the words in my mouth.” I asked questions about the job too. I received the responses I wanted for the questions I asked and, when they offered it to me, I took the job. I have that job to this day and am accepting this as God’s will for my life and me carrying that out.

My therapist told me once that, basically, if we don’t know what to do, we give it all to God and then do what’s in front of us. Then we accept what we have done as God’s will for us for that day. This keeps the dog from chasing her tail. I like this practice and I use it. That way, I am still making contact with God and doing my best to carry out His wishes.

I must keep contact with God at all times. I need to let God live through me and live my life for me. I have to ask Him what He wants, pray for the willingness and strength to do what He wants, and do it. This means doing what God wants, not what I want. What he wants makes everything better in the end. It is the only way that works.

Juliet’s Daily Contact Prayers:

Dear God, let my thoughts be your thoughts, my words be your words, and

my actions be your actions.

Dear God, let there be more of you and less of me.

Listen, trust and obey.

Is what I’m praying for in line with the will of God?

Whatever you want, God.

It’s not about what I want, it’s about what you want, God.

How do I know it is God’s voice I’m hearing and not my own desires or Satan’s? I remember talking to a program friend about this. Sometimes it can get confusing in regards to whose voice I’m hearing. But if I listen closely to what is being said and what purpose it serves, than clarity comes in. Satan usually wants to drive me farther from God so he will put doubt in my mind and heart. He will also point my mind and will towards things and activities that will make me more comfortable and feed my ego. Being human, I want both of those things, so it would be easy to listen. God usually points me in the direction of what is right, just, based on truth, in line with helping others, in line with helping me achieve the highest version of myself. If the message fits that, I know that it is God.

I made contact with God about my barn, asking that His will be done. I worried that rebuilding it violated the Quaker testimony of simplicity, because it was not something I needed to survive, or so I thought. Well, apparently I was wrong and it was God’s will that it be rebuilt because the process went quite smoothly and now it’s done! Now my barn is an art studio that doubles as a guest room for visitors like my sister. The bottom part is a shed for storage. God is great.

How do I know when I have followed God’s will and not my own? Well, usually it feels right and runs smoothly when I follow God’s will. When I follow my own desires — especially if they are physical, selfish, or self-serving (it’s all about me, making myself look good) — it usually feels awful in the process and turns out badly.

For example, I do think He wants me to do this book and my audiobook. He seems to want me to teach orchestra lessons publicly and privately. He seems to want me to go to Quaker Meeting.

What do I do when I don’t want to do what the voice says? How do I get my own will out of the way? I pray for the willingness to be willing to do His will. I ask God to help me get my own will out of the way. Then I act as if, and do what is in front of me to do. I say The Serenity Prayer and get moving. I usually want my own way. I’m human. But my own way usually gets me in trouble. Remembering this helps me do His will because I know He knows what’s best for me.

God loves Julie. God will help her listen and obey better. I do okay. I need to give up control. I need to listen and obey when he says enough is enough. I need to stop when He says it’s time to stop.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• You are doing God’s work.
• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Before you go into a room, hold it in the Light of God.
• Use your inner wisdom
• Do your best, do your Make a Plan Process (covered in the first book), let go and let God.
• Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10.

I have positive affirmations that help me with making contact:

• Today I am Gods brand new creation.
• Everything God intends to accomplish in and through me shall be done.
• I listen to the Christ within that loves, guides, and strengthens me.
• All good in me comes from God.
• Let God’s will be done through me.
• Let life be willed through me.

Additional practices I engage in when working the principle of making contact:

• Submission: I get down on my knees in the morning, give my life and my day to God, and ask that His will be done. I say The Lord’s Prayer, The Serenity Prayer and My 11^th Step Prayer.
• Journaling: I get everything I’m feeling and thinking out of me and on paper.
• Scripture: Reading the bible every morning helps me to discern God’s will for me and helps to give me the strength to do His will.
• Worship: I pray to God. I get it out of me and into His healing arms. I tell him I’m sorry, what I want, what I don’t want, what I’m grateful for, and ask for help for others. I listen to God through meditation while repeating “Yeshua” or “Here I am, Lord.” These words help me focus.
• Exercise: working out really brings me closer to God. I have had a few spiritual awakenings on the treadmill.
• Quaker Meeting: God speaks to me at Quaker Meeting. Sometimes He speaks to me directly at Meeting or through the messages spoken by others at our weekly worship. (I cover the Quaker silent method of worship in the Recovery in Religious Organizations Chapter of this book).
• Constant God Connection: I pray as much as I can throughout the day, listen for His guidance and try to do His will as I think He has told me. Sometimes he speaks to me through other people at my CoDA meetings, through a radio sermon, in a book, or through people I see during my day.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “No my will but thine be done,” “let go and let God,” “I can’t, God can, I think I’ll let Him,” and “You are exactly where you are supposed to be at this moment.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Evening Prayers: At night before I go to sleep, I get on my knees and pray that He’ll watch over me.
• Evening Surrender: As I’m falling asleep, I repeat, “I surrender Lord, I surrender.”
• Rest: I get more sleep so I can hear what God is saying to me.

I give God my life.

I have a very happy life, and I have gratitude and happiness more than ever before. This is thanks to the daily contact I have with God and my efforts to do His will and His will alone. He has given me a gift in my ability to contact Him any time, anywhere. Thank you, God. God speaks to me and I am grateful.

[1] Ibid., p. iv.

Perseverance

But in front of me.
Is a man who’s done his time.

He’s learned his lessons fine for now.

He’ll be taken back.

To try and try again.

Our lessons they send us back.
But can I see?

Can I see?

Can I see?

~ In Front of Me, from Fearless Moral Inventory,

by Juliet, A. Wright, copyright 2008, all rights reserved

I must work diligently if I am going to continue to recover from codependency. As the saying goes, “It works if you work it.” I have found this to be very true for me.

Perseverance is the spiritual principle behind Step 10.

Step 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.[1]

To me, perseverance means that I keep trying and don’t quit — no matter what. I put one foot in front of the other foot. I keep watch over my behavior patterns and work to change them for the better. I know that these new behavior patterns will lead me closer to God.
Some behaviors and thought processes take much time and effort to change. My over-responsibility and caretaking defects are good examples of this. I have been actively practicing these behaviors for many, many years now. So getting rid of them and building in new ones will take time. It is taking me a long time to learn to take care of myself, let others be responsible for their feelings, and to speak honestly about how I feel and what I need. Sometimes I succeed, many times I fail. I do experience small increments of growth if I work hard. I am taking baby steps.

So I keep trying. I keep going. I lie in bed every night and ask God, “Did I do what you wanted me to do today?” Sometimes I get an answer, sometimes I don’t. If I don’t get an answer, then I accept that what I did was God’s will for me, and that I did my best. If I made mistakes, I admit them and try to do better the next day, not repeating the same mistakes.

Part of the process of building in these new behavior patterns involves doing my step work. I try to do my step work every single week: write something, read it, and then send it to my sponsor.

Every morning, I get on my knees, say The Lord’s Prayer, and give my life to God.

I ask God to do my teaching for me, my step work for me, my writing for me, my work for me. Then I get up and go do my best.
When I take a personal inventory, sometimes I realize I am wrong and I admit it. Like yesterday, I was teaching students from one of my elementary schools and I started working with the violinists on baby mi (E) string.(I teach my students to name the strings, grandpa, papa, mama and baby. This helps them remember which string is which.) One student said, “I don’t remember doing this string,” and his book was blank. So was another student’s. Soon, I had to admit I was wrong. I looked at my notes, and on the last lesson, we had only prepared for the concert. That was it. So I admitted I was wrong and started teaching it to them. Now I know the first student has had baby mi (E) string before, last year. But he lost his book, and struggles with practicing, so he probably doesn’t think he has had it before. My point is that I had to admit I was wrong.

I need to add humility to this equation. To me, correctly admitting I’m wrong means “humbly” admitting I’m wrong. This means knocking off the resentful attitude that finds something to criticize in another person to make myself feel better. I am that small sometimes and am embarrassed to say so. It has just been so engrained in my mind that I have to be perfect that sometimes I still try like heck to make it someone else’s fault. That’s just being really honest. If it is someone else’s fault, it’s not my fault. Then I’m okay. I’m still perfect.

But wait a minute! I’m not perfect! I am a flawed human being. There is only one perfect being in existence and that is God. It’s okay for me to makes mistakes.

While I’m diligent in my efforts to do the best job I can, I admit I’m wrong. I made other mistakes at that school that same week. I thought I had only one lesson with those students that month, so I told them I wouldn’t see them for a couple of weeks. Then I looked again at the calendar, talked to the secretary, and there was a lesson the next week. So I had to call their parents and say, “Sorry, I was wrong; there is violin lesson next week.” I was wrong and I survived. It’s true!

I also have to admit when I’m right. Like in reviewing my perseverance, I see that I’ve been working very hard at not raging anymore. I did pretty well this week. I didn’t have any rage attacks.
My over-responsibility and caretaking recovery is in the process of taking two steps forward and one step back. I have been overly worried about my sister to the point of obsession the last few days. I was taking my morning walk in the woods when this type of thing occurred. Every time the obsession would start, I would have to catch it and bring myself back into the moment. And it was a beautiful moment. The forest near my house is one of the most beautiful places in the world as far as I’m concerned. Anyone who would walk there and still say there is no God would have to be declared insane, in my opinion. So I kept redirecting my attention. It does not serve me to obsess.

Last night, I did some caretaking of a friend who called on the phone. (That blasted telephone again.) I spent all of my vacuuming time talking to her on the phone. I compromised and swept with a broom while talking to her instead. I tried to do what I could to make it okay with myself but deep down I really wanted to vacuum the house. So next time I should let the person leave a message and then I’ll call them back.

The other night, I learned that a colleague’s husband died at a relatively young age. I started internalizing it, feeling her feelings, I was very, very sad. Then I caught myself. I can’t fix it. I can’t bring him back. I don’t have to feel her feelings. I can have compassion and empathy. I sent a card. I signed their online funeral list. That’s enough. I caught myself getting enmeshed with these people, and I did some step work to correct it.

Today I learned that a Quaker friend of mine knows someone whose kids were killed by their nanny. How awful. Not fair. I can’t internalize that either. I am only responsible for myself. Baby steps.

There’s always another chance to try again. I just have to be tenacious. I only fail if I stop trying. I can’t do that. I have to keep working on my recovery; otherwise, these defects will eat me alive.

I persevere with trying to learn the violin. I bought an awesome machine that plays Music Minus One CDs but slows them down. Very cool! Very fun. Using this machine helps my practice time to go very quickly and is very fulfilling.
I admit that my rage doesn’t serve me. So my therapist asked me what I could do to get out of rage, go into the Observer and, distract the inner spoiled six-year-old child inside of me that has tantrums when I don’t get what I want and start raging. I said, “Music might work.” Lincoln Park, The Matrix and The Matrix Reloaded soundtracks, Tom Petty, and Porcupine Tree all fit the bill as music that will get my rage safely out of my body. So now they’re in my car, along with my Angry Bird mascots that sit on my dashboard.

I persevere in trying to do Weight Watchers and do my diet. When I go over my points, I admit it and try again.

I persevere in trying to not feel responsible for everyone.

I persevere in trying to keep Hidden Angel Company going, while teaching full-time. It’s very busy.
I am determined to do a good job teaching. It’s going pretty well. I told my therapist that it seems like God must want me to do that. She said, “When you do what God wants you to do, he rewards you.”

I persisted in getting my first book done and published and now I have 16 good reviews. My sponsor says that this is God’s way of saying “good for you” 16 times.

I am determined to recover from my defects. I will practice new behaviors every day. I will do this by:

1. Letting others take care of themselves.
2. Stopping work when I’m too tired to continue.
3. Getting more sleep.
4. Being kind to others.
5. Breathing in and out.
6. Bringing myself back to this moment when obsessing.
7. Practicing gratitude, instead of negativity.
8. Leaving myself enough time to do things so that I can be more patient.

I will not give up.

I persevere in trying to get closer to God, to surrender to him, to give up control, which I think I secretly idolize. I preserve in trying to listen to Him and hear Him. I need more sleep to do this.

Just like my car won’t run right if I don’t check the oil, get the tires changed and balanced, and keep the windshield washing fluid dispenser full, I won’t get better from codependency if I don’t do my 10^th Step every day and keep trying to get closer to God, healthier, and rid of my defects.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• Use your inner wisdom
• Humans make mistakes; that’s okay.
• Change your self-judgment habit.
• Do your best, do your Make a Plan Process (covered in the first book), let go and let God.
• I am doing the best I can in this moment to nurture my career and myself.
• Treat it like the front page of the paper.
• You are only in control of where you put your attention.
• I’m not in charge here.
• Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10.

I have positive affirmations that help me with my perseverance:

• It’s okay that you’re not perfect.
• It’s okay for me to make mistakes every day.
• It’s okay for my child and me to be who we are, ourselves. We are loveable.
• I will listen to the truth, which is that I am a good person.
• I do the best I can in everything I do and that’s enough. I am a good person.
• Today I am Gods brand new creation.
• Today everything God intends to accomplish in and through me shall be done.

The steps I take to practice perseverance:

• More Journaling: I journal as much as necessary to get my feelings out of me and on paper.
• Worship: I talk to God through prayer to get the strength I need to get through my day. Then I listen through meditation to what God has to say by sitting in silent worship and waiting upon him. This helps me to get up and keep trying again for another day. At night before I go to sleep, I ask God, “Did I do what you dswanted me to do today?” I listen. Accept. Sleep.
• Exercise: working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill and lifting weights all help me get the perseverance to keep going and try again.
• Constant God Connection: I pray as much as I can throughout the day. This includes morning and evening prayers on my knees, silent prayers and listening for His direction throughout my day. Sometimes he speaks to me through other people at Quaker meeting, at my CoDA group, through a radio sermon, in a book, during a bible study, or through people I see during my day.
• Program Literature: I read the Codependents Anonymous Basic Text, the Codependents Anonymous Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions Workbook (often called the 12 and 12) and other literature. Reading this literature helps me to better understand the purpose behind Step 10 the benefits of perseverance.
• Scripture: Reading the bible every morning helps me to remember that God is charge of my life, he must come first and is giving me guidance on what to do. His word has a lot to say about perseverance.
• Willingness: I pray for the willingness to get up and try again, one day at a time.
• Read the Daily List: I read my list of defects of character to God every morning and humbly ask him to remove them if and when he is ready. I become recommitted to overcoming these defects.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Don’t quit before the miracle happens,” “I can’t, God Can, I think I’ll let him,” “Willingness is key,” “When all else fails, follow directions,” “Progress not perfection” and “You are exactly where you are supposed to be.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Let it go: once I give it to God, I let go and trust Him. Move on. I consider that it is as it’s supposed to be at this moment.

I have a very happy life and I have gratitude and happiness more than ever before thanks to the work I do with my sponsor and this program. I have been given a gift. Thank you, God!

[1] Ibid., p. iv.

Forgiveness

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

~ Ephesians 4:32

But with you there is forgiveness,

So that we can, with reverence, serve you.

~ Psalm 130:4

Forgiveness has really been on my mind lately. It has been on my mind in relation to myself. It is a vital, fundamental spiritual principle. Without it, I cannot lead a healthy spirit-filled life. I must be able to forgive others and myself. Otherwise, my grudges will turn me into a dark, gnarled mess. Forgiveness comes directly out of my step work.

To me forgiveness means that I am releasing the anger, resentment and blame that I feel towards someone or myself for a wrong that has been done against me. I let it all go and move forward.

The principle of forgiveness is related to Step 9.

Step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.[1]

The Lord’s Prayer asks the Lord to forgive us the way we forgive others.

     And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.

~ Matthew 6:12

Saying I’m sorry is one of the easiest, yet hardest things for me to do. It’s easy in that I have the defect of over-responsibility and think everything is my fault, so of course I have to say I’m sorry for everything I’ve done wrong, which is everything. I say I’m sorry a lot. I always have. What makes saying I’m sorry difficult is the fear of abandonment and fear of rejection that come with saying I’m sorry and making amends with someone.
Since I’ve been in program, I have learned that part of making amends is changing one’s behavior. Part of that change, for me, is coming face to face with what I’ve done and the person I’ve done it to, say I’m sorry and make an effort to change.

Based on what the Lord’s Prayer says, if I don’t forgive others, that God shouldn’t forgive me. Not good. I want forgiveness. So I have to give forgiveness if I want to receive it in return.
How do I know if I’ve forgiven someone? Well, if I’m still crabbing about something someone has done to me, that probably means I’m still ticked off about it. That means I’m probably harboring resentments about whatever it is I think they did to me. In my mind, it means I haven’t truly forgiven them.
So this means that if God forgives me the way I’ve forgiven that parent Jenny for hurting my feelings at a concert recently, then he hasn’t forgiven me. I obviously haven’t forgiven the parent because I’m still complaining about their behavior and thinking negative thoughts about it. I’m harboring a grudge.

I have done extensive step work in regards to my mother and father. I have looked at these relationships through the lenses of relationship inventories, defects of character inventories, and codependency patterns. This step work has helped me to heal these relationships, even though they have both passed on. Completing my Step 9 and making amends with my parents further helped me heal these relationships. Although my father made his transition in 2003, I feel I was able to make amends and heal this relationship through step work, prayer, meditation, journaling, and therapy after he died. I did a Step 9 with my mother before she passed away and much healing was accomplished as a result.

This step work has enabled me to forgive my parents for all of the unhealthy behaviors and lack of nurturing in my life. My hard work has enabled me to let go of the anger and resentment that I once felt toward them. They did the best they could. Their lives were turned upside down by many incidents, including disbarment, addiction, miscarriages, and infidelity. As a child, I was caught up in that and wasn’t in the position to stick up for myself or correct anything.
Resentment is a dangerous feeling that weights one down with darkness that can be life-long and harmful. I carried the bag of bricks of resentment for a long time. Thank heavens, I got into recovery and learned I could put that bag of bricks down. My childhood was filled with fear, doubt, pain, self-blame, shame, loneliness, and a terrible lack of a strong spiritual foundation. I was taught to look without f0r all of my approval, self-worth, love, and acceptance. Since I didn’t get that at home, I looked to my peers at school, boys, food, academic success, physical beauty, and success in extracurricular activities – such as music and horse showing. Nothing filled that empty space inside.

My mother tried to fill the empty space inside with alcohol. Dad filled it with power, control, and other women. I chose food. It didn’t work for any of us.

I grant pardon to my mother for drinking and not being a good Mom sometimes. She was hurting and did the best she could.
I grant pardon to my father for yelling at me about how fat I was in that restaurant (covered in the first book). He was in pain too and was taking it out on me. He was shattered by the loss of his career.

I forgive Brad (a man I dated who I discuss in the first book) for being controlling, manipulative, and self-serving. I know everything that happened between us happened for a reason and for our highest good. My relationship with him was one of the primary relationships in my life that brought me to CoDA and for that I am grateful.

I forgive Alex (my ex-husband; covered in first book) for having a change of heart and wanting out of our marriage. Our relationship has gone through a lot of healing and amends since I wrote my last book. I am very, very grateful to God for this. My friendship with Alex has grown a lot since we made amends and I very happy about that.

I absolve Betty (a friend) for not emailing me back six years ago when I sent her that beautiful email in which I poured out my heart to her. I accept that she was at a place where she felt her boundaries needed to be established a little farther out than I would have liked.

Forgiveness requires letting go. It requires that I let go of what I want. It requires that I accept where the person is at and stop trying to change that. It also obliges me to take care of myself.

When I need to forgive someone for something, the background is that I probably have not gotten something from him or her that I felt I wanted or deserved. It could also mean that I feel that I got treated poorly when I didn’t deserve that.

Sometimes this treatment is not on purpose. Often the person does not even realize they are doing it. And besides that, it’s not being done to me. Much of the time, the person is just reaching out or expressing themselves, trying to rid themselves of stress, extreme sadness, panic, or despair. When this happens to me, nine times out of ten, the timing doesn’t work for me. So then I get mad at them like they are doing something bad to me. Then I try to forgive them. But they didn’t do anything. For instance, I’m the one who answered the phone late at night and let the person’s sadness get all over me.

What happens is that I take on the other person’s feelings. I feel what they feel and want to fix them. This is my over-responsibility and caretaking. This is how I harm myself. In cases like this, I need to disengage, detach, give the person back their problems, and go take care of myself. This happened a lot with my sister during my brother-in-law’s illness. This behavior pattern caused me a lot of distress. I do this kind of thing to myself; I am aware of this. I need to forgive myself for being a caretaker, and start detaching and taking care of myself.

Sometimes, as was the case with Brad, I was manipulated, which caused a lot of confusion, suffering, self-blame, and shame. The manipulation in that relationship also led me to engage in behaviors that I felt shame about, that I was not comfortable with. Why did I do this? I’m a people pleaser. I get my self-worth from what others think of me.

Juliet’s Codependency Patterns:

I shower you with favors and pleasures to make you stay.

My fear of abandonment and fear of rejection determine how I behave.
I shove my morals under the carpet to be with you.

Of all the people I need to forgive, the one I need to forgive the most is myself. I am very hard on myself. I have a difficult time releasing the anger, resentment and blame that I feel towards myself for something I have done wrong. I turn all of that blame, anger and resentment inward. It does not feel good and it doesn’t serve me. If I can’t forgive myself, how I can I forgive others? I can’t. It has to start with me. I need to change this behavior and learn to forgive myself. I need to do a Step 9 on myself.

For example, I really have to work on cancelling the debts I feel I owe myself for not getting enough done each day. I have traditionally beat myself up mercilessly for not accomplishing huge amounts of work on my book, not practicing my music, not writing blogs and not doing book promotion. Thank goodness (because of the work I do with my step work and in program), I am starting to realize that there are only so many hours in a day. I can get only so much done in a 24-hour period. And you know what? There’s always tomorrow. Even if I think the world is going to end if I don’t accomplish everything on my three page “to do” list, it’s not true. Life will go on. It will be okay.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Treat it like the front page of the paper.
• Remember your bubble. My therapist told me to imagine a protective bubble around myself so that when hurtful things happen, I am not affected. The bad stuff only hits the outside of the bubble.
• You are only in control of where you put your attention.
• I’m not in charge here.
• It’s not my fault.
• Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10.

I have positive affirmations that help me with my forgiveness:

• Today I forgive myself and others.
• I forgive myself for not being perfect.
• It’s okay for me to make mistakes every day.
• It’s okay for my child and me to be who we are, ourselves. We are loveable.
• I will listen to the truth, which is that I am a good person.
• I do the best I can in everything I do and that’s enough. I am a good person.
• It’s okay that you’re not perfect.
• Today I am Gods brand new creation.
• Today everything God intends to accomplish in and through me shall be done.

The steps I take to practice forgiveness:

• More Journaling: I journal as much as necessary to rid myself of resentment, anger, blame and guilt.
• Worship: I talk to God about my resentment, anger, blame and guilt through prayer. I ask God to fill the empty space inside me and to give me what I thought I needed from the other person. Then I listen through meditation to what God has to say by sitting in silent worship and waiting upon him. This helps me move to a place of forgiveness.
• Exercise: working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill and lifting weights all help me to get rid of the anger, blame and resentment inside, which brings me closer to the forgiveness of myself and others.
• Constant God Connection: I pray as much as I can throughout the day. This includes morning and evening prayers on my knees, silent prayers and listening for His direction throughout my day. Sometimes he speaks to me through other people at Quaker meeting, at my CoDA group, through a radio sermon, in a book, during a bible study, or through people I see during my day.
• Scripture: Reading the bible every morning helps me to remember that God is charge of my life, he must come first and is giving me guidance on what to do. His word has a lot to say about forgiveness and I find it very helpful.
• Willingness: I pray for the willingness to forgive the person and myself.
• Read the Daily List: I read my list of defects of character to God every morning and humbly ask him to remove them if and when he is ready. I forgive myself for having these defects.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “There is a God, it is not me,” “I can’t, God Can, I think I’ll let him,” “Willingness is key,” “This too shall pass” and “Just for today.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Let it Go: I realize that things happen. I don’t have control over what goes on. I’m doing the best I can.

When I practice the spiritual principle of forgiveness I feel the blessed ease of spirit that comes from forgiving myself and others. I thank God for helping me to be able to forgive myself, which opens the door to forgiving others.

The way that you deal with forgiveness and any of the principles is by dealing with your feelings. Get them out of you. Look at your feelings and accept them. Come to a place where you are all right.

Thank you, God for this learning.

[1] Ibid., p. iv.

Willingness

Your hands made me and formed me;

Give me understanding to learn your commands.

~ Psalm 119: 73 (NIV)

Willingness is a spiritual principle that is vital to my recovery from codependency. Willingness is directly connected to the success or failure of my spiritual life. I must be willing to change, grow, accept, surrender control, work hard, and admit when I’m wrong.
Willingness to me means that I have made a positive choice inside of me to try to do what I’m supposed to do.

Willingness is the spiritual principle behind Step 8:

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.^[1]

In Step 8, I’m getting ready to say I’m sorry for what I’ve done and I’m making a list of those I have to say it to in my life. This can be a really scary thing for me. I have fear of abandonment and fear of rejection. Plus making amends with someone could potentially lead to conflict. They could still be ticked off about whatever it is that I did, or said, or didn’t do or say. I am a conflict-avoidant codependent. This could keep me from making the list at all, throwing it away, or burning it in my wood stove and saying, “Forget it.” I must first make a positive choice inside myself to bravely make a list of the people that my codependent behaviors have affected. Then I need to choose to make amends to them all because that is the right thing to do. That is willingness. That is Step 8.

I think that part of this process involves turning the outcome of the amends over to God and letting go of expectations. Expectations often lead to disappointment. I can see myself as I make the list, playing out all the amends with these various folks in my head. My codependent “all or nothing” catastrophic thinking often leads me down the path of doom. They are going to yell at me, get mad at me, tell me I’m bad and leave me forever. I’m too scared. This is what I would tell myself. This “all or nothing” catastrophic thinking would make me not want to make the list or the amends. It would take away all my willingness.
If I decide to do what is right, make amends, and detach myself from any outcomes, giving them to God, this makes the process easier and takes a lot of the threat away. This opens the door to me becoming willing.

Part of making the list is knowing what people to put on the list for amends and who stays off the list. I make the initial list in this regard and my sponsor helps me weed this list out. My family of origin goes on the list. Others outside my family of origin went on the list, but for one reason or another did not make the final cut.

My family of origin taught me that everything was my fault. I was the scapegoat. Thus I developed the defects of over-responsibility and caretaking. Since I was responsible for everyone, everything was my fault. Love was taken away when I did something wrong. I was bad and unlovable. So I’ve grown up thinking that. And now, sometimes, or maybe more than sometimes, I take responsibility for things that aren’t my fault. This could lead me to put people on the amends list that don’t belong there.

So I need to keep these things in mind when I’m making my list. This is one of the many places that my sponsor can come in handy. She can listen to me tell my stories of what has happened and what I think I’ve done wrong and help me get clarity on what I actually need to say and to whom. This helps me with my list and with my willingness.
Another thing that helps me with my willingness is self-love. If I can separate my self-worth from my behaviors, a lot of the fear goes away. If I know that I am a beloved child of God no matter what I’ve done or what happens, I can more easily become ready to put myself out there, admit what I’ve done, and let the outcome be as it may.

Letting go of my defect of over-responsibility and caretaking will help me to become more cheerfully ready to make my list and my amends. If I am no longer responsible for someone else’s life or feelings, then I can become more willing to make amends to them because there is less to lose. I am not responsible for their feelings. I am only responsible for myself. This takes a lot of pressure off me. It makes life easier.

So I make my list, go over it with my sponsor, discuss my defects, fears and worries, and a plan is developed. All of this required my willingness. I became willing. I’m ready to put myself out there.

During this process, I have to constantly make the positive choice to stop being overly responsible for other people and take care of myself. This means giving the person I’m obsessing about back to God and letting go. Then I have to do the right thing to take care of myself, which is to unplug the phone, turn off my brain, and stop obsessing, stop trying to fix it, solve it, kill the pain for the other person. That is tough for me. Sometimes I have to pray for the willingness to be willing to change this behavior. I can only do this with God’s help. God help me to do the right thing.

I am willing to let God be the center of my life. I am willing to keep turning over my life to Him and let Him be the boss. I am willing to let Him write my amends list for me. And He should be the focus of my mind, heart, and soul anyway. It’s about the amends He wants me to make, not the ones I think I need to make. He knows better than me.

Then I need to be willing to say I did the best I could for today in making my amends list. If I find myself unable to do this, I pray for the willingness to be willing to say I did the best I could for today. I need to trust my ability to hear and follow God’s directions.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• You are doing God’s work.
• Relax and watch.
• You are only in control of where you put your attention.
• I’m not in charge here.
• Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

I have Positive Affirmations that help me with my willingness:

• I humble myself before the Lord; I will listen.
• It’s not about what I want, it’s about what God wants.
• I submit to the will of the Lord.
• God will live my life for me today. I don’t have to do anything. All I have to do is be a body.
• God will overcome the false prophets in my head.

So the spiritual principle of willingness has a very vital place in my life. It is the concrete foundation under my Step 8 work as I make my amends list and prepare to go forward with my amends. It’s necessary for me to do what God wants me to do.

Additional practices I engage in when working the Principle of Willingness:

• Renunciation: I get down on my knees in the morning, give my life and my day to God, and ask that His will be done. I say The Lord’s Prayer and The Serenity Prayer. This helps me to become willing. At night before I go to sleep, I say to God, “I surrender God. Dear God, I surrender.” I listen. I breathe. I sleep.
• Prayer: When I’m not cheerfully consenting to do what God wants me to do, I pray the following prayers:
  • I pray for the willingness to be willing.
  • I ask God for the strength to do it.
  • I ask God to do it for me.
  • I ask the Holy Spirit to do it through me.
• More journaling: I get all of my resistance, fears, selfish desires, and control issues out of me and on paper. I write about things like: What am I willing to do? What is keeping me from being willing to do what He wants me to do?
• Worship: Talking to God through consistent morning prayers and meditation is a vital step in my becoming willing to give up what I want for what He wants. Meditation is necessary because that is where I just sit and listen for His guidance.
• Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to calm down and see things more clearly.
• Program literature: I read Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA’s basic text), The Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions Workbook of Co-Dependents Anonymous (often called The 12 and 12), and other literature. Reading this literature helps me to better understand the purpose behind Step 8 and become willing to write my list.
• Scripture: When I need to become willing, I often read the following scripture:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.
~Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

• Constant God connection: I pray as much as I can throughout the day. This helps me to become willing, as I want to do His will and please Him. It helps me to remember He is in charge, not me.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “There is a God, it is not me,” “I can’t, God Can, I think I’ll let Him,” “Willingness is key,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” and “Just for today.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.

^[1] Ibid.

Humility

But it’s all in His time

Listening’s up to me

Got to do as I’m told

He has a plan for me

Loveable faithful me

The future is mine to see

Listening to his voice

He knows what’s best for me

~ Change from Fearless Moral Inventory

by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2008, all rights reserved

Humility is one of the most important and meaningful spiritual principles for me. I must learn to be humble if I’m going to heal and grow as God’s child.

My definition of humility is that I recognize that I’m not any better than anyone else, I don’t have all the answers, and I’m not in charge. God’s in charge. It’s about what He wants.

Scripture speaks well of humility…

Humility makes us patient under trials.

~ Job 1:22 (NIV)

These are the ones I look on with favor:
those who are humble and contrite in spirit,
and who tremble at my word.

~ Isaiah 66:2 (NIV)

God opposes the proud
but shows favor to the humble.

^{~1 Peter 5:5 (NIV)}

Humility is the bed on which Step 7 rests:

7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.^[1]

Humility to me means that there is a God and I am not God. I heard that in a meeting once and really liked it.

God has a plan and I know very little about it. But he has a plan and it’s a good one. Far be it for me to call God’s plan anything less than perfect.

So I became aware of, accepted, and became ready to let go of my defects, especially over-responsibility and caretaking. Now I humbly ask God to remove them. God is above me. He is powerful over all things. He is wise. He knows what is best. So when I ask, I ask in that light, knowing that He sees the whole picture and I am just a tiny piece of dust. I only see what’s around me. So I ask in that context, humbly, not knowing the whole story.

I think faith ties into humility too. If I have faith in God the way I say I do, then I should be able to trust whatever He says and do what He is asking without question or doubt. This requires being humble and getting my big, fat human ego and pride out of the way. My defects of character include pride, vanity, control, over-responsibility and caretaking, amongst many others. God help me give up these defects.

To me, humility means that God knows everything and I know nothing. I give my life to God and submit to what I believe is His will for me. I will listen to God for guidance, and when I receive it, I will thank Him. When wisdom comes from my mouth after I’ve prayed, I know it is from God. Heck, whenever wisdom comes from my mouth at all — whether I’ve prayed or not — it is God, not me.

One Thanksgiving Day, I was driving north to see friends. I saw a beautiful sky filled with mysterious dark clouds and yet these clouds were surrounded by a little bit of pink, with the sun’s rays trying to break through it all. Then the Holy Spirit told me that the purpose of our lives is to make God smile. I need to be humble, admit when I’m wrong, and give to others. His sky made me smile. Nothing like one of God’s beautiful skies to make me submit to God. Thanks for the reminder, God. I got it and needed it. You are in charge.

When I’m humble, I ask God to remove my defects of self-will, selfishness, a controlling nature, and my urge to fix everyone and everything. Fixing everyone and all of their problems is not my job. It’s God’s job. Juliet needs to stop trying to do God’s job. I am not God. So I humbly admit that it is all about what God wants, not about what I want. I’m not in charge.

At the end of the Book of Job, Job realizes that he has to love God for who God is, not what God gives him. That is humility. I need to get out of the way, love and trust God, and submit to His will. I need to live in holy obedience so His will can be done through me and God can make me into the person He wants me to be.

I am one of the vehicles through which God works on this planet. In order to successfully complete this journey, I must get out of God’s way so He can work. I can do this by asking God to live through me. I did this recently. I was getting ready for a gig that was supposed to happen that night. I was worried about my set list and readings list. So I asked God to write the set and readings list for me. It worked really well. I felt really ready for my gig.

My family of origin taught me that I was responsible for everyone else. I was responsible for their behavior and their feelings. I have been practicing that behavior for many years. I started chipping away at it when I got into recovery nine years ago. I am only responsible for myself. That is the only person I can take care of. How egotistical of me to think I can fix others. I need to humble myself before God and give my family, the grief, the outcomes, the future back to Him. He has a plan. He knows best. He is wise. I must remember that and bow down before Him. Then I must do the work He has put me on this earth to do.

I will practice humility. This is God asking me to be humble. Asking me to do His work, risk looking like a moron. It’s about God, not me.

Practicing humility means that I’m willing to get up and try again. I won’t let my pride make me quit, even after I look like a stupid fool in front of people — such as with my students.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve swallowed my pride so much I want to vomit everything up in front of me. That’s how I felt in my family of origin. My inner child thinks this means that she doesn’t matter, only other people matter. She thinks humility means she is going to get silenced again. She thinks humility means she doesn’t count, her voice won’t be heard. I reassure her and tell her that’s not true. What’s true is that she is a beloved child of God. She does have a voice and there is a time and place for that. She must also submit to God’s authority and listen to Him. She must obey.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• I’m not in charge here.

• Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

God’s way is the better way. Humility means that even if you have an idea about what to do, you should do it the way God wants you to do it. In the end, it will serve Him better — which means in the long run that it will serve you better. As my sponsor Grace says, “Turning it over means trusting that God loves you enough to give you the good stuff.”

So humility is necessary if I’m going to turn my defects over to God for Him to remove if and when He chooses. So I give it to God. When He answers me, I accept it, do it, move on. That is humility. He knows what’s better for me than I do.

I have Positive Affirmations that help me with my humility:

• I humble myself before the Lord; I will listen.
• It’s not about what I want, it’s about what God wants.
• I submit to the will of the Lord.
• God will live my life for me today. I don’t have to do anything. All I have to do is be a body.
• God will overcome the false prophets in my head.

Additional practices I engage in when working the Principle of Humility:

• Worship: Talking to God through consistent morning prayers and meditation is necessary for me to get out of the driver’s seat and focus on what God wants. I need to be alone with God every morning to listen for His voice and serve Him better.
• Journaling: I journal every morning to get the pride, ego, and control issues out of me and into the open so they can be dealt with.
• Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to calm down and see things more clearly.
• Scripture: Reading the bible every morning helps me to remember that God is in charge of my life. He must come first and is giving me guidance on what to do.
• Constant God connection: I pray as much as I can throughout the day. This includes morning and evening prayers on my knees, silent prayers, and listening for His direction throughout my day.
• Read the daily list: I read my list of defects of character to God every morning and humbly ask Him to remove them if and when He is ready.
• Submission: When God gives me a message, instructions, or assignments, I try to do them, whether I want to do them or not. I trust that He knows what’s best for me more than I do. I do my best.
• Awareness: I increase my awareness of my moods, my actions, and the things that are happening around me. By being more aware of what’s happening in my body, my feelings, and my brain, I can be more available to hear what He has to say and become more humble.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “There is a God, it is not me,” “I can’t, God can, I think I’ll let Him,” “Willingness is key,” “This too shall pass,” and “Just for today.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Rest: I get more sleep so I can hear what God is saying to me.
• Let it go: I realize that things happen. I don’t have control over what goes on.

^[1] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous. Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 2009, p. iv.

Acceptance

Your strength is to stand still, after you see yourselves;
whatever you see yourselves addicted to,
temptations, corruption, uncleanness, etc.,
then you think you shall never overcome.
And earthly reason will tell you, what you shall lose;
pay no attention to that,
but stand still in the light that shows them to you,
and then strength comes from the Lord,
and help contrary to your expectation.
Then you grow up in peace, and no trouble shall move you.

~ “To Friends, to stand still in trouble, and see the strength

of the Lord” by George Fox^[1]

Acceptance is a vital spiritual principle, one that I struggle with very much sometimes. I apply it to different things on different days. When I first started writing about acceptance, most of the time I addressed it in terms of what I can get done in a day. I attach my self-worth to what I can get done each day. This issue addresses my defect of workaholism.

Today, however, I am addressing acceptance on the level of recognizing that things are how they are. I will just work on trying to let it be, instead of letting the circumstances of my life tie my gut into a knot that strangles my soul. That chokes out every bit of happiness, joy, and faith I have, until I sink into Satan’s pit of despair. He would love that.

Now it’s not about what I can get done in a day, but about my beloved sister and (at this point) her wonderful late husband and why couldn’t I fix it? Why couldn’t I make it okay for them? When he was sick, I had a hard time accepting that and wanted to be the one to save him and save my sister Alice from having to go through all of the pain of taking care of yet another sick person. Now that he has passed, I am having a hard time accepting the fact that he is gone. Alice has to grieve and I can’t do it for her. I love her. I don’t want her to be sad. But I can’t fix it. I must let go and let this be her experience. This struggle all relates to my defect of over-responsibility and caretaking.

I think of acceptance as being my recognition of reality as it is.

Acceptance is the spiritual principle behind Co-Dependents Anonymous Step 6:

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.^[2]

The defects of character that were revealed in my soul searching from Step 4 (the fearless moral inventory) and admitted to in the integrity of Step 5 (admitting our wrongs) must be accepted in Step 6. There they are, staring me in the face. No use denying it.
So I admit to my defects of character and agree that they are no longer of use to me. They need to go. Over-responsibility, caretaking, selfishness, low self-esteem, and all the rest of my 86-item defects list are only wreaking havoc on my life. I can’t get rid of them until I accept the fact that I have them. That is what George Fox was talking about in the opening quote to this section on Acceptance. Let’s see reality as it is and agree that it is there. Now what do we do about it?

The hard work I have been doing in recovery has allowed for me to work on removing defects of character, while still learning to set boundaries. Finding a balance that allows for me to care about others and still take care of myself can be very difficult. I am still learning how to do that. My over-responsibility makes that very challenging.

I would often become rageful, frustrated, and/or desperate over the stress of dealing with family business, illness, and crisis. This always seemed to come up at times, such as on a Sunday night, so I would go to work exhausted, sad, freaked out, unable to function. My over-responsibility and caretaking would tell me I had to fix the problem at hand right then and there.
The Juliet that is learning to set boundaries, refrain from over-responsibility and caretaking, may choose to take care of herself — instead of being available for potentially upsetting information that could make Monday morning more difficult than it already is. The new Juliet is learning to accept the fact that she can’t fix everything.

Juliet’s inner critic, on the other hand, gives her loads of grief for being selfish. Juliet is so selfish. Your family is having such a hard time and all you are worried about is getting to bed on time? How selfish of you. That is what my inner critic would say to me. It comes directly from the messages I received from my family of origin. I don’t have to listen to those lies anymore. The inner critic is tied to my low self-esteem, another one of my character defects.

I do think it’s important for me to be there for others, as I am able, and sometimes when crisis situations arise, the timing can be really difficult. It is up to me to assess each situation as it comes up and somehow strike a healthy balance between caring for myself and being supportive of others.

A year ago I was raging and frustrated, refusing to accept life as it was. My inner child would have been stomping her feet, all ticked off because her summer trip would probably be screwed up on account of illness and family crisis.

Now I am learning the difference between selfishness, self-care, and my ability to care for others. When I have recognized true selfishness in me, I have done step work around it, dug through my issues, and thrown my selfishness in the trash. At least, most of it. I have become ready to have God remove my selfishness and he did remove a lot of it. Thank you, God.

In order to get rid of my defects, I have to accept that they are there and that they no longer serve me as behaviors. I have had the integrity to admit my wrongdoings and now it is time for me to receive with gratitude the responsibility of changing my behavior.

I accept the fact that I feel overly responsible for and want to caretake my family. I receive the information that it is my behavior that sets this in motion. It does not belong to anyone else. I recognize how destructive this behavior pattern is for me. Feeling overly responsible for others has a negative impact on my own spirit, my ability to take care of myself, and do what God wants me to do. It also has a negative effect on how I treat others.

For example, there were days during my brother-in-law’s illness when I was so sad about him and my sister that I was bordering on despair. I was on the edge of the cliff, for sure.

I have a picture of a Protection Bird that I drew for my therapist that is supposed to protect me from negative vibes and sadness when I come into contact with someone who is sad. There were days during his illness that it didn’t work. I was still very melancholy to the point that I could barely function.

But function I still managed to do, by the grace of God. I knew I had to have faith that this was all happening for a reason. Maybe it happened to give me fuel for this book, so I can get it out there and share what I’ve learned with others. There were days when I was hurting from the bottom of my soul. Step work and my faith in God was all that would cure me.

It was on one of those desperate days that I looked in Melody Beatties’ Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps for help. I realized that I needed to detach. I needed to separate myself from what I couldn’t change or control. This would lead to acceptance. Then it was up to me to do what I could to take care of myself. That meant writing this and getting it out of me. Journaling is still a vital tool that I use for my recovery on a daily basis.

The Juliet from 18 months ago wrote the following:

Acceptance. I pray for the willingness to be willing to accept the fact that I can only get so much done in a day. I receive with approval, whatever I got done today. There are only so many hours in a day. I accept the fact that I am only going to get done what God wants me to get done.

I believe I am doing the best I can. If I really don’t believe it, I will “act as if” until I believe it.

Yesterday, I practiced acceptance with my early morning orchestra when not one soul showed up. I even practiced acceptance when NONE of them brought their instruments down early to be tuned like they were supposed to and NONE of them had their music with them or their book either! Ugh! I don’t sound like I’m accepting it, but I am. That orchestra may only know two pieces for the concert. We may have to tell jokes.

The Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book says acceptance means I am recognizing that everything is the way it’s supposed to be at this moment.^[3]

So I give it to God and do what’s in front of me.

The Juliet of today is trying to favorably believe that there are circumstances in the lives of those I love that I cannot control. I had to accept the fact that I couldn’t cure my brother-in-law’s cancer. It was beyond my control. Now I have to accept the fact that I can’t take away my sister’s grief.

I am ready to have God remove these defects of over-responsibility and caretaking. They are debilitating. They are making my life unmanageable.

George Fox’s recommendation about acceptance in the beginning quote is to just sit still in the Light and face what is. Just look at it. This is truth. Then God sheds Light on it for what can be done about it. He will give us all answers.

So I accept everything is as it’s supposed to be at this moment. The experiences I have had with my sadness, the illness and death of my brother-in-law, the seemingly endless stream of family tragedy are all here to teach me something. It is fuel for me to become more dependent on God and give my life to Him. It is here to teach me something, to help me write this book, to help others, to get over my over-responsibility and caretaking. That alone would be worth it. Dear God, help me let go of my over-responsibility and caretaking. Dear God, help me to become closer to and more dependent on you.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses,

let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.

And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

~ Hebrews 12:1 (NIV)

What the above verse says to me is that, in order to follow God and do what he wants me to do, I need to get rid of all of the excess baggage that slows me down and often prohibits me from moving at all. This means getting rid of my defects of character. The first step to that process is acceptance.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• You are only in control of where you put your attention.
• I’m not in charge here.
• Relax and watch.
• Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

Positive Affirmations:

• I listen to the Christ within that loves, guides, and strengthens me.
• All good in me comes from God.
• I do the best I can in everything I do and that’s enough. I am a good person.
• Let God’s will be done through me.
• Stop all or nothing catastrophic thinking, little steps at a time.
• Stop patterns of negative thinking; I think only positive thoughts about myself and others.
• Today everything God intends to accomplish in and through me shall be done.

This program works. Writing about what is going on with me, working it through, filtering it through the spiritual principles… it all works for me. Whenever I am in despair, I do my step work through it. Then God’s grace brings me healing and relief in the midst of sadness and darkness. That is a miracle. That is program. I am grateful.

Additional practices I engage in when working the Principle of Acceptance: 

• More journaling: I journal as much as I need to in order to get the issues out of me, sort them out, and see how I feel about them.
• Worship: I pray to God to help me accept what is. This really helps me when I’m struggling with something. Then I meditate, listening for what he wants me to do.
• Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to calm down and sort out how I’m feeling about things.
• Documentation: I record my thoughts and revelations about my experience with acceptance into a tape recorder and notate them later.
• Ask the observer: When I’m having trouble accepting something, I get into the observer position and ask myself, “How am I feeling right now? What is it about this situation that’s bothering me?” I journal about those feelings and thoughts.
• More mantras: Mantras help me to focus on listening for God’s guidance throughout my day, and they help me to hear and see the truth about myself. Two mantras that work well for me are “I open all before thee” and “Here I am, Lord.”
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy does it,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” “Let go and let God” and “Turn it over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Turn it over: I give it to God, ask him to take over, and let it go as much as possible. To do this, I often put a note in my God Box about it.
• Let it go: I give it to God, let go, and let Him handle it. Move on.
• Breathe: I breathe in and out. I consider that everything is as it is supposed to be at this moment. I am safe.

^[1] Fox, George. A Collection of Many Select and Christian Epistles, Letters and Testimonies Written on Sundry Occasions, by That Ancient, Eminent, Faithful Friend, and Minister of Christ Jesus, George Fox. RareBooksClub.com, 2013.

^[2] Co-Dependents Anonymous. Co-Dependents Anonymous. Dallas, TX: CoDA Resource Publishing, 2009, p. iv.

^[3] Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous: The Big Book, 4^th ed. New York, NY: Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc., 2001, p. 417.

Integrity

The view at the top of the ladder

Shows a soul searching for what she can keep

~ Beloved, from Beloved,

by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2005, all rights reserved

Integrity is the spiritual principle that plants its feet firmly in truth. It is a foundational adherence to honesty and uprightness. I must have integrity if I am to live a Godly life. Integrity is one of the Quaker testimonies and is the structure on which a faithful Christian life is based. I must be honest and fair, focusing on the truth in all situations.

To me, integrity means that I live my life by an ethical and moral standard that is based on honesty and truth.

Integrity is the spiritual principle that is at the core of Step 5:

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.^[1]

If I have integrity, it means I care about what the truth is and that I tell the truth. It means that I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. What I do and how I conduct myself is real and upright, not self-serving and deceitful. I conduct myself in a reliable, honorable way in all matters.

Now there lies a problem. Being a compliant codependent, I sometimes say yes when I mean no. During those times, I lack integrity. Last year, I went to a Quaker Yearly Meeting. It was my first time at this event. Well, as soon as I got there, I quickly overbooked myself as usual. First of all I signed up for the choir ahead of time. I love singing and enjoyed it, but I did not realize what a huge daily commitment it was. It was very time consuming. I also signed up to volunteer at the on-site Quaker Yearly Meeting Bookstore for three afternoons in a row. That was fine with me. No problem. But on my last day, I stayed one hour longer than I wanted to because the manager wanted to go to another meeting. I said yes when I meant no. That didn’t serve me because I got resentful. I lacked integrity. I won’t do that again.

I have to have integrity in terms of admitting how I feel about over-responsibility and caretaking. Sometimes I need to be by myself and take care of myself. I don’t like it when the phone rings late at night. I don’t like it when people I love are hurting. I don’t like it when they have crises late at night and call me, especially when I have to teach in the morning. This sounds really selfish, but it’s true. It’s just too hard for my little codependent brain and heart to handle. I get too upset. My heart hurts and I feel like I have to fix it. The hamster gets on the wheel and away we go with obsession. It’s too much. My heart is racing just thinking about it. That’s the truth.

Even the little things matter. Take my taxes, for example. I know I have to be honest and forthcoming about what I spend my money on. In the past, I have purchased classical music partly for enjoyment and partly so I can listen to it and become a better teacher and musician. One might say I could write it off as sheet music on my taxes. It is for my job after all. As much as I would like to do that, I cannot. It just isn’t right. Too bad. I bought a lot of classical CDs.

I used to get tax advice from other people who would tell me not to worry about it.

“Just write a figure in there and that’s what it is,” they would say to me. “Don’t worry about it.” I followed their advice when I was younger, but I can’t do that now. It’s not right.

I also need to have integrity in terms of the private strings lessons I give to some of my students. They often pay in cash. I know I don’t have to declare it because how would they know? But I know. Truth is truth. I made that money and I can’t cheat the government. So even though it’s cash, I’m declaring it honestly.

I have integrity. I have to admit that with Cain (a relationship that I looked at in the first book), I told him I would have sex with him even though I meant to say no. I can’t just completely blame him for being a bad person. I should have said no to begin with. So that is what I learned. I have to say what I mean and mean what I say.

I can’t just say that Brad was a completely bad person, because I should have walked out the door — although he was manipulative. I knew in my soul that what we were doing and where we were headed was not right for me. That was the truth. I should have followed God’s truth from the beginning of that relationship and saved myself a lot of heartache. I learned from that too.

How can I have more integrity in my life?

By not answering the phone, when I don’t want to talk. Let the machine get it when it’s appropriate for me.

I can have more integrity in my teaching life by admitting when I’ve crossed the line from responsible teacher to control freak who wants to be right, respected and admired by her students. On the one hand, my job requires that I fulfill the task of teaching my students to become honest, upright, responsible citizens. This means teaching them to remember to come to lessons with their instrument and their music and to be on time.

This can be a very difficult job. I have students who are always late, never have their book, never practice and don’t seem to care. They think the rules don’t apply to them. They play with long fingernails week after week, when I’ve asked them to clip them. Sometimes if they don’t have their music, they blame me, saying I didn’t give it to them. I know what is right. I know what is true. What they are saying isn’t true. I need to teach them to be honest and do what is right.

On the other hand, there is a limit to what I can make my students do. As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. I can’t force the students to be on time, to remember or keep track of their book, or to bring their instrument. I can only keep giving them the information they need to succeed.

When I repeat myself over and over again to my students about these matters and they still do not follow directions, it is easy to become frustrated. So then I think to myself “why bother? Why keep telling them what to do when they won’t listen? It is wasted energy. Why don’t I just give up the ghost and if they don’t have their stuff or do their work, who cares?”

The answer is because I have integrity. I have to focus on doing what is right, honest, and true. That means getting in the classroom and teaching those kids to the best of my ability, no matter what the circumstances are – because that is my job. Every student must get the best service I have. This means making sure that they know what to do, when to do it, where to be and when to be there. This means repeating it as often as I need to. It means adjusting my teaching methods as necessary to service different students so that they will be successful in my classroom.

Adhering to what is right and true in the classroom also means knowing when I’ve crossed the line by taking my job home with me and fretting all weekend about how some kid got the better of me. Then the correct thing for me to do is let it go. I need to let it all go and take care of myself. Because to not do this is to give my over-responsibility free reign. I will fret and stew and think “how can I get this kid do what they need to do? I have to fix them, to get them to do the right thing.”

I give the children the information they need repeatedly. At some point they need to take the ball and run with it. So at the end of the day I need to go do something that makes me happy, like sit by the fire and listen to it crackle, go stare at the stars in wonder or sit in my rocking chair on the porch and just breathe in and out. That is the magic answer for me to during those times.

I want to teach the children to have integrity too and accomplishing that can be a difficult job as I am not their only influence. I think it is very important for children to understand and adhere to the moral standards of truth, right and wrong.

I want to have integrity. Pointing fingers at myself, I know I have to get in the car and get to work at all costs, to follow my sponsor’s instructions. It was right for me to go to work even though it was dangerous for me to be on the wintry road and I was grumpy at the administration for putting our lives at risk. At least we got another day under our belt.

If I have integrity, I am going to keep admitting when I am wrong. But I also have to admit that I’m right once in a while. I do my best to do what is right. If someone asks me how much money they owe me, I will give them the true amount. If someone asks me why I left a recent music concert early, I will say it is because I found the performer’s lyrics offensive. That is my truth.

If I have integrity, I tell the truth even when it is easier to lie. That means that when I am listening to someone and their circumstances are starting to make me sad to my core, I must either tell them, change the subject, or end the conversation. Over-responsibility and caretaking are not a healthy choice. Going into despair and not being able to function are not a good choice for me. I must build in a new behavior of taking care of myself.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Relax and watch.
• Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10.

Positive Affirmations:

• I listen to the Christ within that loves, guides and strengthens me.
• All good in me comes from God.

When I have integrity and something is done right, it is God doing it – which I think is true.

In sharing my thoughts about integrity it is easy to see how it is the principle behind step 5, as I have shared “the exact nature of my wrongs.”^[2]

Additional practices I engage in when working the principle of integrity:

• More journaling: I journal as much as I need to in order to get the issues out of me.
• Worship: Through prayer and meditation I ask God what the right thing is for me to do. He helps me see it clearly.
• Exercise: working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill and lifting weights all help me to calm down and see things more clearly.
• Documentation: I record my thoughts and revelations about my integrity into a tape recorder and notate them later.
• Ask the Observer: When I’m with others and I hear something I’m not sure about, I stop and take a time-out. I get into the Observer position and ask myself “Is this true for me? Do I agree with this?” I make a choice and speak my truth when the time is right.
• Turn it Over: I give it to God, ask him to take over, and let it go as much as possible. To do this, I say, “Dear Lord, let my words be your words, my thoughts be your thoughts, and my actions be your actions.” I do this as often as I need to.
• Breathe: I breathe in and out. I relax.
• More Mantras: Mantras help me to focus on listening for God’s guidance throughout my day and helps me to hear and see the truth about myself. Two mantras that work well for me are “I open all before thee” and “Here I am, Lord.”
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy Does It,” “This Too Shall Pass,” “Act As If,” “Let Go and Let God” and “Turn it Over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Pat Myself on the Back: I realize that I’m doing the best I can to do what’s right and give myself credit for that.

^[1] Ibid., p. iv.

^[2] Ibid. pg. iv

Soul Searching

No more plastic world

No more cement walls

No more fake breasts

Eyelashes or makeup

Only purity

Leaves crunching under my feet

Rocks

Dirt

Twigs

Spirit is here

God is here

He loves me

Thank heavens

No more pretending to feel okay

No more lies

About how I feel

Just me my kid and God

Just me my kid and God

No more plastic world

Dear God I give you my life

~ No More Plastic World, by Juliet A. Wright,

copyright 2013, all rights reserved

Now I’ll confront my fears head on

Speak my truth, sing my song,

And if you choose to walk away,

After you’ve heard what I have to say, at least I believed in me.

~ All These Fears, from Fearless Moral Inventory,

by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2011, all rights reserved

The spiritual principle of soul searching lies underneath Step 4, which is about doing a fearless moral inventory. As I stated in my first book, when I take a fearless moral inventory “I am taking a sincere look at my positive and negative behaviors and belief systems (also defined as ‘defects of character’) as they have manifested themselves in my life.”

Wright, Juliet. Everything Is My Fault (Pownal, VT: Hidden Angel Publishing, 2012), p. 19.

My first book is my fearless moral inventory. This book is Part Two, and it is mostly about Soul Searching.

To me, soul searching means that I look deep within my true, spiritual self, to see the reality of what is there so that I can deal with it, fix it, enhance it or change it as is necessary to please God.

Soul searching is the spiritual principle behind Co-Dependents Anonymous Step 4:

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.[1]

I have done many inventories. Every time I do a fearless moral inventory, I search my soul. I look under every rock, every piece of dirty carpet, under the moths in the window sill, under the front seat of the car and dig out all of the dirt. As painful as this process is, I look at the dirt for what it is, and I examine it. I am fearless. I know I have to deal with what is. I must face the truth.

In searching my soul, I look for the positive things too. I must always remember to do this. Inventories are not just about negative things. I tend to always dwell on the negative things about myself. I must acknowledge the good as well as the “needs improvement.”

When I do my soul searching, I look deep within myself to see what makes me tick. What do I believe in? What do I not believe in? What do I think? How do I feel? It’s taken me ten years just to figure this out and I’m still cracking the code that is me. I am just now learning what I think about things and how I feel at any given moment. I didn’t know anything about any of that until I started going through this program at 41 years old.

In searching my soul, I discover a Christian Quaker who has put God first in her life. I see someone who struggles with passivity, vanity, rage, selfishness, complaining, compulsiveness, and especially over-responsibility and caretaking. I see someone who wants to do what God wants her to do, but she also wants what she wants too. I will get over it, with God’s help.

Soul Searching is a precursor to acceptance. We must find the problem before we can accept it.

In searching my soul, I see a Juliet who must learn to set boundaries on what is and isn’t hers to fix. The 18 months that elapsed between my brother-in-law’s illness and death were too difficult and full of despair with me trying to cure cancer, fix my family, and still live my life. Of course, Pastor Jeremiah says in his What to Do When You Don’t Know What to Do bible study that trials come along to make us stronger people. Satan brings them around to torture us, but God uses them to make us stronger. He is making us into the people he wants us to be.

Jeremiah, David. What to Do When You Don’t Know What to Do (San Diego, CA: Turning Point for God, Inc., 2009, 2014), Audio CD 1.

In searching my soul, I see a Juliet who is starting to rely more and more on playing her violin. I need to play my violin to heal myself, to be disciplined, to be sane. I need to play my Wohlfahrt Etudes every day. I need to listen to and play Bach’s Partitas on a regular basis. I need this in my life. And you know what? My hard work is paying off. I’m getting better at it. This is me taking care of myself. It is me taking responsibility for the only person I can change and fix: me. And actually I can’t even do that. Only God can do that. I can be willing.

Soul searching is the opposite of spitting out some standard answer that sounds good just to get it over with, so I can go eat chocolate until my pain goes away. (I like to eat chocolate when I’m stressed, by the way. It does help, if only for a moment. Dark chocolate only, please.)

Soul searching is digging down deep for the truth until I find it, without fear. This means digging out all of the rocks of my denial, avoidance, and procrastination, throwing them aside, and continuing with my pick axe and shovel until I reach the truth of what is there and how I feel.

I think soul searching is an ongoing process, requiring much repetition and refinement, as silver (refined seven times). This means many inventories. How many? As many as is required to continue to peel off the layers of the onion that are hindering the true flavor of who I am and who God wants me to be. This is especially true of my over-responsibility and caretaking. Overcoming those defects is taking me a long time. I still want to fix everything for everyone I love. I still let thoughts of this take over my mind and soul in an unhealthy way. Little by little, however, I am getting better. The steps are tiny, but I am walking the path. It doesn’t matter if I have to redirect my thoughts from my family of origin or the sad demise of my friendship with Doris back to God every five seconds. As long as I do it, I am working my program, working on recovery.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• You are doing God’s work
• Observe, don’t react. The Observer is who you really are.
• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Relax and watch.
• Treat it like the front page of the paper.

Positive Affirmation:

• I can look at the truth about myself and love myself anyway.
• I can make mistakes everyday.
• I am lovable.
• I recognize good things about myself.
• I love myself for who I am.

I am continuing to seek God and have Him shine the light on those dark parts of my cave where all the bugs and millipedes and creepy crawly things, bats, and icky muck live so I can get rid of them. I will keep doing this until I am the person God intended me to be. I’m doing the best I can.

Additional practices I engage in when working the principle of soul searching:

• More journaling: I journal as much as I need to in order to get the issues out of me.
• Documentation: I record my thoughts and revelations about my soul searching into a tape recorder and notate them later.
• Worship: Through prayer and meditation I search my soul for what is there before God. He helps me see it clearly.
• Exercise: working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill and lifting weights all help me to calm down and sort out how I’m feeling about things.
• Readiness: I pray for the willingness and courage to be very honest and get the truth out of me.
• Other Inventory Formats: I research other inventory formats that might help me work on my defects of character and make choices about working on them. This gives me yet another lense through which to view myself.
• Attend Meetings: through sharing and listening at CoDA meetings God speaks to me and reveals more of the truth about myself.
• Program Literature: I read the Codependents Anonymous Basic Text, the Codependents Anonymous Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions Workbook (often called the 12 and 12) and other literature. God speaks to me in this way too.
• Forgiveness: I forgive myself. This gives me the freedom to be really honest in my soul searching without fear of blame and shame. I realize that I’m doing the best I can and give myself credit for that.
• Release: I release my resentment. Resentment is a block to my healing.
• More Mantras: Mantras help me to focus on listening for God’s guidance throughout my day and helps me to hear and see the truth about myself. Two mantras that work well for me are “I open all before thee” and “Here I am, Lord.”
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy Does It,” “This Too Shall Pass,” “Act As If,” “Let Go and Let God” and “Turn it Over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.

[1] Ibid., p. iv.

Surrender

It’s not our show

It’s his to run,

We can only come home

Like the prodigal son

Do our best to give up control

Bide our time, walk in faith

~ Something to Believe In, from Fearless Moral Inventory,

by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2010, all rights reserved

I have to be able to surrender in order to live life in this world. It is just absolutely necessary. Otherwise I’ll drive myself completely crazy.

Surrender is one of the most basic and vital spiritual principles in the recovery program. It has become an essential spiritual practice for me. I surrender many things to God daily. I begin my day by getting on my knees and giving my day to God.
To me, surrender means that I give up control of something. In this case, I am giving up control of my life to God.

The principle of surrender is the river bed in which the water of Co-Dependents Anonymous Step 3 flows:

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.^[1]

I have faith, confidence, and trust in Christ and in God’s divine plan for me. Why then do I not have confidence in my ability to follow him? Because I don’t surrender enough. It is insufficient for me to just get on my knees once in the morning and think, “Okay, now I’m set.” I am much too human and flawed for that. I have to practice surrendering every moment of every day.

Sometimes I am a poor example of a child of God. For example, I rage, I lose my temper. My commute is annoying. My inability to get my carcass out of the gym on time to have a relaxed drive to work, if that is possible, is hopeless and totally rage-producing. So I will pray for the willingness to be willing to have confidence in myself and to give up control, get up every morning, and try again. Give up control. Surrender.

The phone brings out the dark side of me also. I get mad when it rings. Ridiculous, I know. I feel responsible for whomever is on the other end of the line. I have to fix them, take care of them. After all, they are probably calling me for help right?

At the same time, I can’t control when the phone rings. I probably can’t control whatever the person is calling about or asking me to do either. I need to surrender the phone to God. This is a circumstance beyond my control. I will address the phone in more detail in a later chapter.

When I surrender, I give up control of my life to God. I mean I never really had control of it anyway, but I come to terms with this in my mind. God’s in charge. I can’t control whatever it is.

I surrender to God my over-responsibility and caretaking. I don’t have to fix or control it. I can let go. I can give it to God. I can’t fix it and I don’t have to fix it. I let go and let God.

Surrender takes the pressure off me. Let go, Juliet.

I had to surrender a lot during my brother-in-law’s illness (and eventual death). Many days I was sad about his illness to the point that I could barely function. I was desperately worried about my sister in all of this. I felt responsible for her and wanted to fix everything for her. I didn’t want either of them to hurt. I wanted them to get their “happily ever after.” This was codependency because it was bordering on my not being able to take care of myself. I was just about at a standstill with despair. I couldn’t fix it, nor was it my responsibility. Where were my boundaries? I needed to surrender all of this to God and I did, repeatedly. It was difficult. It hurt. I hurt for them. Still, I kept surrendering.

Yes, I have had to surrender my over-responsibility and caretaking to God. He is the only one who can take it away from my tortured soul.

I have to surrender my job to God too. I do this on a daily basis. Lately I have been too worried about what other people think of me. I have to give up my control of who takes my class, who has decided to quit who likes me, who doesn’t and whose parents are dissatisfied.

The good news is that I can lay down my arms to God. I don’t have to figure it out. Any of it. Even cancer. Juliet did not have to and could not cure cancer by the end of whatever day or days she was in a state of hopelessness. I don’t have to plan my life all out perfectly. All I have to do is my best, do what is in front of me, and trust that this was God’s will for me for that day. God can figure it out for me. He can pave the way for me and show me what he wants me to do. Whatever I did not get done today, he didn’t want me to get done. Whatever I got done, it is enough.

A Living Sacrifice

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.

                  ~ Romans 12:1

I need to present my life to God as a living sacrifice. That means keeping my emotions out of things, like the CoDA Basic Text says:

In seeking God’s will for us for specific situations, we may be led to let go         emotionally and do nothing — neither taking nor making changes in our      path circumstances.^[2]

And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.

 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospels will save it.”

~ Mark 8:34-35
This last bible verse was on my desk calendar a couple of days ago and this idea came to me:

God is in charge. I can surrender my life to him. Give my life over. Give up on controlling everything.

This is what surrender means to me. Whenever I was on the edge of despair over my brother-in-law’s illness , I got on my knees and surrendered. I gave it back to God. I Turned it over. Whenever I am in anguish over the demise of my long time friendship with Doris, I can give it over to God. He can do for me what I cannot do for myself.

The good news is that I don’t have to figure it out. I can abandon my need to control everything and be in charge. I can yield to the temptation to think I’m all that and I am in charge. I’m not in charge. I am just dust.

Surrender means to me that I will do today one step at a time and give every step to God. I will try my best to do what he wants me to do. I will put God first today. I will surrender. I will say this every morning. Just for today. Every day.

One step at a time. Live in gratitude.

Surrendering is becoming as natural as breathing for me. Today, that is. Right now. With every breath I am letting go and letting God.

It means surrendering my worries about Alice. Let go, Juliet. Detach. Surrender them to God. He will take care of her.

It means surrendering my responsibility to others. Here’s all these people God, please take over.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Relax and watch.
• Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10.

Positive Affirmation:

• I listen to the Christ within that loves, guides and strengthens me.

I was listening to Reverend Steve Mays on my way to work one day. He said that sometimes God removes people from our lives because we put too much emphasis on them. God wants the emphasis to be on him. This might be God’s work in my life right now. He wants me to put him first, do my job and most of all, do this book. That is my work on this planet right now. That is the job he has for me to do. I will do my best to do it.

Surrender means putting God in the driver’s seat. He’s the one who should be there. Not me. I mean He is there already and my control and spot in the driver’s seat is just an illusion. I just have to acknowledge that and get my stupid human ego out of the way. I will follow. I will listen. Thank you, God.

Surrender, Juliet. Let go. Just let go.

Additional practices I engage in when working the principle of surrender:

• Submission: I get on my knees and say, “I surrender, dear Lord; I surrender. I give you my life. It is about what you want, not about what I want.”
• More journaling: I journal to get the issues out of me.
• Scripture: I read my bible, especially verses that involve pouring out my soul to God and trusting him with my life.
• Worship: I worship through prayer and meditation. I talk to him through prayer and listen in meditation. Worship is complete surrender to God.
• Exercise: working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill and lifting weights all help me to calm down and see things more clearly.
• God is in Charge: I remember that God is sovereign and he has a plan for me. All I have to do pray, listen, obey and let go.
• The God Within: I realize that there is part of God inside me and I can trust that.
• Breathe!: I breathe in and out.
• Let it Go: I let it go.
• Get Rid of Negativity: I burn my journal notes, if necessary, to get rid of that negativity.
• Relief: I feel better!
• Gratitude: I give thanks to my generous, forgiving, wonderful God. He is so good to me.
• More Mantras: Mantras help me to focus on listening for God’s guidance throughout my day. Two mantras that work well for me are “I open all before thee” and “Here I am, Lord.”
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy Does It,” “This Too Shall Pass,” “Act As If,” “Let Go and Let God” and “Turn it Over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.

^[1] Ibid., p. iv.

^[2] Ibid., p. 73

Faith

Then I embrace my loving God

He fits me like a glove.

~ My Sinking Ship from Fearless Moral Inventory,

by Juliet A. Wright, copyright 2009, all rights reserved

Faith is one of the most fundamental, foundational, and important spiritual principles. I need to have faith in something greater than myself in order to be able to obtain victory over what I am struggling with. For me, it goes deeper than that. I have to have faith in order to even get out of bed and function in the morning. Faith is a huge part of my life and who I am. It’s a part of my every waking moment.

To me, faith means that I completely believe and trust in something, whether I see it in front of my eyes or not. I choose to believe it.

Two synonyms for faith are trust and hope.

Faith is believing the word of God and acting upon it no matter how I feel because God promises a good result.

~ James McDonald, author of Lord, Change My Attitude Before It’s Too Late

Faith is the substance of things hoped for and evidence of things unseen.

~ Hebrews 11:1.

One of my favorite bible teachers said that faith is not a blind leap in the dark — that is superstition. Faith is based on knowledge, belief, and trust. That takes time.

To me, faith is my complete belief, trust, and confidence that something is true without having to see it first. I have faith that Christ was both fully human and fully God. I did not have to watch him rise from the dead or turn the water into wine in order to believe it. God has performed many miracles in my life. My experience of these miracles has helped to build my trust in Him. I do good things only because God does them through me. I can take no credit in the good I do in this world, except to say that I do my best to be obedient to him.

Faith is the spiritual principle behind Co-Dependents Anonymous Step 2:

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.^[1]

 I admit I am powerless over my over-responsibility and caretaking. I cannot control them. They are controlling me. My life has become unmanageable.

So what do I do? There must be something bigger, better, and more in control of everything to help me out here. There must be something out there that can do for me what I cannot do for myself, as program friends often say. That is God. He can help me. He can bring back my sanity.

I have complete confidence that God exists and is very present in my everyday life. He is the director of my life’s journey. I know I will be with Him when I die and go to heaven.

In order to have faith in someone, I must know them. In order to know them, I must spend time with them, understand them, and cultivate a relationship with them.

I trust God because I know God. I spend time with God. I spend time reading and listening to his Word, listen to Him at Meeting, during my morning worship, and on my way to work. I talk to and listen to Him throughout the day. Sometimes I am too tired to hear him. I am working on correcting that.

I would not be anywhere without my faith in God. I would have crumbled like a dry piece of coffee cake when Alex and I split up ten years ago. I was devastated, but God got me through it. I went to meeting. I met with my Clearness Committee. They told me of God’s will as we discerned it together. I knew these people and had spent time with them. I trusted them. I trusted the God that spoke through them.

If I had never met those committee members before, or hadn’t spent time on other committees with them, I would not have had that trust base. But I did. I trust the God that speaks through them. I trust the God that speaks through my therapist. I trust the God that spoke to me and told me to move to Vermont, do my book, do my music, cut my hair, and go back to my natural color.

I heard somewhere that faith is not believing God can, but knowing God will. I like that.

So it’s like walking across a rickety bridge over a canyon and trusting that if I’m meant to live I will live, and if I’m meant to die, I will die. And I will die willingly because that is what God wants.

Faith is trusting that whatever happens is meant to happen and is the will of God.
I have faith, trust, and confidence in my God. I recognize that he knows what is best for me. He has saved me from my sins. He will guide me through my life. Whatever happens will be his will and I will handle it one tiny step at a time. It will all work out. I will trust, have confidence in, and believe it will all work out the way God wants it to work out and it will be perfect.

I have a sign in my office that says, “Listen, Trust, Obey.” I will do my best to listen to God, trust what he says, and obey Him. I will turn it all over to Him and let go of the rest.

I have confidence in and rely on God that he will lead me down the path of this life that’s best for me to learn what I came here to learn.

I just wish I could do a better job of being his child. I wish I could do a better job of remembering and trusting that the Holy Spirit lives inside me and I can trust and follow that. I will work hard on that.

I have faith that God is there and he can help me with my over-responsibility and caretaking as I struggle with it daily. He is there and can protect me from myself as I worry, fret, stew, try to fix everything, save others from hurting or dying, trying to play God. I am not God. That is not my job. He has that job.

He will do his job. That is what Step 2 is – believing he is there and is sovereign. He is in control.

Sometimes it seems like the crisis wheel keeps spinning in our family with one thing after another. I worry it will spin out of control.

Other times I just plain get sick of the endless series of disasters that seem to come down our Family Pike. My sponsor tells me that this is just how life is.

So now, when I am fretting about all of this stuff, what is going to happen and how I can control it, I will stop and remember that there is a God and I turn it over to Him. Then I will let go and repeat helpful slogans to myself.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• Hold the outcome in the Light of God.
• Be still and know I am God. ~Psalm 46:10
• Treat it like the front page of the paper.

Here is a slogan from Pastor James MacDonald that has been very helpful for me:

Let’s just trust God for that.^[2]

I will work hard on building trust, confidence, assurance, hope, and certainty in my ability to listen to and follow the God that is inside of me, instead of doubting, blaming, and shaming myself.

Positive Affirmations:

• There is that of God inside me.
• God doesn’t make junk. I am a perfect child of God.
• Doubting the God in me is like doubting God. I have faith in the God in me. I’m doing the best I can.

Additional practices I engage in when working the principle of faith:

• More Journaling: Writing gets everything out of me.
• Reflection: I look at what I wrote and admit my powerlessness over my defects of over-responsibility and caretaking.
• Worship: Through prayer and meditation, I surrender my life to God and listen to Him. I am practicing my faith.
• Scripture: I become involved in daily bible study through the bible, bible audio CDs, and audio sermons.
• Exercise: working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill and lifting weights all help me to calm down and see things more clearly.
• Documentation: I record my thoughts into a tape recorder and notate them later.
• The God Within: I try to remember I have that of God inside of me and I can trust that.
• Pray Continuously: I talk to and pray to God throughout the day as much as possible. This can include giving thanks, surrendering on my hands and knees, or asking for help out loud.
• God Is In Charge: I realize that God has a plan for me and it will be revealed to me when the time is right.
• I’m Doing My Best: I realize I’m doing the best I can and give myself credit for that.
• Get To A Meeting: I get myself to a CoDA meeting, either in person, online, or just by myself reading the literature and meeting format. (Discussed in Recovery In Program)
• Step Work: I do step work, read it to my sponsor, or print it out on the computer and mail it to her, or both.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy Does It,” “This Too Shall Pass,” “Act As If,” “Let Go and Let God” and “Turn it Over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.

Thank you, God!

^[1] Ibid., p. iv.

^[2] MacDonald, James. Lord, Change My Attitude Before It’s Too Late (Chicago, IL: Moody Publishers, 2001).