Searching for Numbness

I wasn’t even hungry but somehow I ate it all, 

searching for ice cream. 

Searching for the sweetness, 

Searching for numbness,

Begging for the exit.

Avoiding the truth.

Trying not to feel

Frozen, dazed lump. 

I need something to dull my senses

Like I’m dazed, in shock

My sun is down yet it is day. 

Joy has left the world for good.

I’ve been found out.

Declared guilty. 

Everyone knows it.

abandoned forever.

I need something 

To take this pain away. 

I wasn’t even thirsty, but somehow I drank it all 

Searching for whiskey

Searching for the sweetness

Searching for numbness,

Begging for the exit.

Avoiding the truth.

Trying not to feel

Sauced drunken soak.  

Drunk with anger and shame.

Dear God I’m a shipwreck

Without a rescue 

Strung out and coming down hard

Needy and clinging. 

Stopping traffic

And the stranger on the street. 

Somebody help

God I’m so thirsty

Give me some more 

Take me away

In a hearse headed for hell

I was completely desperate and somehow I called them all

Searching for my shrink

Searching for my sponsor

Searching for forgiveness. 

Begging for the exit.

Believing the lies. 

Trying to get healed. 

Sad sorry soul. 

So I become the witness and observe my feelings, 

I must feel them, but they’re  not me.

I unearth my past. 

Something I’ve buried. 

Deal with my Waterloo I am free

I’m giving my soul 

Room to breathe. 

The charges are dropped 

Now I believe. 

I was finally willing, and somehow I read it all

Searching for answers

Searching for forgiveness

Searching for mercy

Begging for redemption

Reading the truth 

Ready to believe

Grateful, saved, soul

Despair is knocking, 

He can’t come in. 

Stay away from my door

There’s no more tattoo 

Of you on my soul

You see his Word has drawn me in. 

He promised to teach

The way I should go

he vowed to guard

My sorry soul 

Just believe, trust and obey. 

~ Searching for Numbness, by Juliet A. Wright, 

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