Perseverance

Perseverance

But in front of me.
Is a man who’s done his time.

He’s learned his lessons fine for now.

He’ll be taken back.

To try and try again.

Our lessons they send us back.
But can I see?

Can I see?

Can I see?

~ In Front of Me, from Fearless Moral Inventory,

by Juliet, A. Wright, copyright 2008, all rights reserved

I must work diligently if I am going to continue to recover from codependency. As the saying goes, “It works if you work it.” I have found this to be very true for me.

Perseverance is the spiritual principle behind Step 10.

Step 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.[1]

To me, perseverance means that I keep trying and don’t quit — no matter what. I put one foot in front of the other foot. I keep watch over my behavior patterns and work to change them for the better. I know that these new behavior patterns will lead me closer to God.
Some behaviors and thought processes take much time and effort to change. My over-responsibility and caretaking defects are good examples of this. I have been actively practicing these behaviors for many, many years now. So getting rid of them and building in new ones will take time. It is taking me a long time to learn to take care of myself, let others be responsible for their feelings, and to speak honestly about how I feel and what I need. Sometimes I succeed, many times I fail. I do experience small increments of growth if I work hard. I am taking baby steps.

So I keep trying. I keep going. I lie in bed every night and ask God, “Did I do what you wanted me to do today?” Sometimes I get an answer, sometimes I don’t. If I don’t get an answer, then I accept that what I did was God’s will for me, and that I did my best. If I made mistakes, I admit them and try to do better the next day, not repeating the same mistakes.

Part of the process of building in these new behavior patterns involves doing my step work. I try to do my step work every single week: write something, read it, and then send it to my sponsor.

Every morning, I get on my knees, say The Lord’s Prayer, and give my life to God.

I ask God to do my teaching for me, my step work for me, my writing for me, my work for me. Then I get up and go do my best.
When I take a personal inventory, sometimes I realize I am wrong and I admit it. Like yesterday, I was teaching students from one of my elementary schools and I started working with the violinists on baby mi (E) string.(I teach my students to name the strings, grandpa, papa, mama and baby. This helps them remember which string is which.) One student said, “I don’t remember doing this string,” and his book was blank. So was another student’s. Soon, I had to admit I was wrong. I looked at my notes, and on the last lesson, we had only prepared for the concert. That was it. So I admitted I was wrong and started teaching it to them. Now I know the first student has had baby mi (E) string before, last year. But he lost his book, and struggles with practicing, so he probably doesn’t think he has had it before. My point is that I had to admit I was wrong.

I need to add humility to this equation. To me, correctly admitting I’m wrong means “humbly” admitting I’m wrong. This means knocking off the resentful attitude that finds something to criticize in another person to make myself feel better. I am that small sometimes and am embarrassed to say so. It has just been so engrained in my mind that I have to be perfect that sometimes I still try like heck to make it someone else’s fault. That’s just being really honest. If it is someone else’s fault, it’s not my fault. Then I’m okay. I’m still perfect.

But wait a minute! I’m not perfect! I am a flawed human being. There is only one perfect being in existence and that is God. It’s okay for me to makes mistakes.

While I’m diligent in my efforts to do the best job I can, I admit I’m wrong. I made other mistakes at that school that same week. I thought I had only one lesson with those students that month, so I told them I wouldn’t see them for a couple of weeks. Then I looked again at the calendar, talked to the secretary, and there was a lesson the next week. So I had to call their parents and say, “Sorry, I was wrong; there is violin lesson next week.” I was wrong and I survived. It’s true!

I also have to admit when I’m right. Like in reviewing my perseverance, I see that I’ve been working very hard at not raging anymore. I did pretty well this week. I didn’t have any rage attacks.
My over-responsibility and caretaking recovery is in the process of taking two steps forward and one step back. I have been overly worried about my sister to the point of obsession the last few days. I was taking my morning walk in the woods when this type of thing occurred. Every time the obsession would start, I would have to catch it and bring myself back into the moment. And it was a beautiful moment. The forest near my house is one of the most beautiful places in the world as far as I’m concerned. Anyone who would walk there and still say there is no God would have to be declared insane, in my opinion. So I kept redirecting my attention. It does not serve me to obsess.

Last night, I did some caretaking of a friend who called on the phone. (That blasted telephone again.) I spent all of my vacuuming time talking to her on the phone. I compromised and swept with a broom while talking to her instead. I tried to do what I could to make it okay with myself but deep down I really wanted to vacuum the house. So next time I should let the person leave a message and then I’ll call them back.

The other night, I learned that a colleague’s husband died at a relatively young age. I started internalizing it, feeling her feelings, I was very, very sad. Then I caught myself. I can’t fix it. I can’t bring him back. I don’t have to feel her feelings. I can have compassion and empathy. I sent a card. I signed their online funeral list. That’s enough. I caught myself getting enmeshed with these people, and I did some step work to correct it.

Today I learned that a Quaker friend of mine knows someone whose kids were killed by their nanny. How awful. Not fair. I can’t internalize that either. I am only responsible for myself. Baby steps.

There’s always another chance to try again. I just have to be tenacious. I only fail if I stop trying. I can’t do that. I have to keep working on my recovery; otherwise, these defects will eat me alive.

I persevere with trying to learn the violin. I bought an awesome machine that plays Music Minus One CDs but slows them down. Very cool! Very fun. Using this machine helps my practice time to go very quickly and is very fulfilling.
I admit that my rage doesn’t serve me. So my therapist asked me what I could do to get out of rage, go into the Observer and, distract the inner spoiled six-year-old child inside of me that has tantrums when I don’t get what I want and start raging. I said, “Music might work.” Lincoln Park, The Matrix and The Matrix Reloaded soundtracks, Tom Petty, and Porcupine Tree all fit the bill as music that will get my rage safely out of my body. So now they’re in my car, along with my Angry Bird mascots that sit on my dashboard.

I persevere in trying to do Weight Watchers and do my diet. When I go over my points, I admit it and try again.

I persevere in trying to not feel responsible for everyone.

I persevere in trying to keep Hidden Angel Company going, while teaching full-time. It’s very busy.
I am determined to do a good job teaching. It’s going pretty well. I told my therapist that it seems like God must want me to do that. She said, “When you do what God wants you to do, he rewards you.”

I persisted in getting my first book done and published and now I have 16 good reviews. My sponsor says that this is God’s way of saying “good for you” 16 times.

I am determined to recover from my defects. I will practice new behaviors every day. I will do this by:

1. Letting others take care of themselves.
2. Stopping work when I’m too tired to continue.
3. Getting more sleep.
4. Being kind to others.
5. Breathing in and out.
6. Bringing myself back to this moment when obsessing.
7. Practicing gratitude, instead of negativity.
8. Leaving myself enough time to do things so that I can be more patient.

I will not give up.

I persevere in trying to get closer to God, to surrender to him, to give up control, which I think I secretly idolize. I preserve in trying to listen to Him and hear Him. I need more sleep to do this.

Just like my car won’t run right if I don’t check the oil, get the tires changed and balanced, and keep the windshield washing fluid dispenser full, I won’t get better from codependency if I don’t do my 10^th Step every day and keep trying to get closer to God, healthier, and rid of my defects.

Juliet’s Mantras that Help:

• Use your inner wisdom
• Humans make mistakes; that’s okay.
• Change your self-judgment habit.
• Do your best, do your Make a Plan Process (covered in the first book), let go and let God.
• I am doing the best I can in this moment to nurture my career and myself.
• Treat it like the front page of the paper.
• You are only in control of where you put your attention.
• I’m not in charge here.
• Be still and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10.

I have positive affirmations that help me with my perseverance:

• It’s okay that you’re not perfect.
• It’s okay for me to make mistakes every day.
• It’s okay for my child and me to be who we are, ourselves. We are loveable.
• I will listen to the truth, which is that I am a good person.
• I do the best I can in everything I do and that’s enough. I am a good person.
• Today I am Gods brand new creation.
• Today everything God intends to accomplish in and through me shall be done.

The steps I take to practice perseverance:

• More Journaling: I journal as much as necessary to get my feelings out of me and on paper.
• Worship: I talk to God through prayer to get the strength I need to get through my day. Then I listen through meditation to what God has to say by sitting in silent worship and waiting upon him. This helps me to get up and keep trying again for another day. At night before I go to sleep, I ask God, “Did I do what you dswanted me to do today?” I listen. Accept. Sleep.
• Exercise: working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill and lifting weights all help me get the perseverance to keep going and try again.
• Constant God Connection: I pray as much as I can throughout the day. This includes morning and evening prayers on my knees, silent prayers and listening for His direction throughout my day. Sometimes he speaks to me through other people at Quaker meeting, at my CoDA group, through a radio sermon, in a book, during a bible study, or through people I see during my day.
• Program Literature: I read the Codependents Anonymous Basic Text, the Codependents Anonymous Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions Workbook (often called the 12 and 12) and other literature. Reading this literature helps me to better understand the purpose behind Step 10 the benefits of perseverance.
• Scripture: Reading the bible every morning helps me to remember that God is charge of my life, he must come first and is giving me guidance on what to do. His word has a lot to say about perseverance.
• Willingness: I pray for the willingness to get up and try again, one day at a time.
• Read the Daily List: I read my list of defects of character to God every morning and humbly ask him to remove them if and when he is ready. I become recommitted to overcoming these defects.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Don’t quit before the miracle happens,” “I can’t, God Can, I think I’ll let him,” “Willingness is key,” “When all else fails, follow directions,” “Progress not perfection” and “You are exactly where you are supposed to be.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Let it go: once I give it to God, I let go and trust Him. Move on. I consider that it is as it’s supposed to be at this moment.

I have a very happy life and I have gratitude and happiness more than ever before thanks to the work I do with my sponsor and this program. I have been given a gift. Thank you, God!

[1] Ibid., p. iv.