Heaven, Hell and Purgatory

I had a really interesting conversation with a close friend of mine yesterday about heaven, hell and purgatory. This talk had been activated by three oil paintings of the same names that I had created over the past weeks.  One looks like what I think heaven would be like, greens, and blues, beautiful, serene, calming, and placid. Purgatory has some reds in it, but also includes a state of brownish, yellow confusion that has not quite given into the red burning state.  Hell has a greenish yell sky with red on the bottom.

So my friend asked me to explain myself. Did I really think there was a hell where, if I’m bad I’ll go there and burn or all eternity? And what is purgatory? If I’m in heaven, am I flying around with a harp and wings?  She then went on to suggest that we create our own heaven, hell and purgatory on this planet.

So what does Juliet think?  I think that heaven is a place that I go to be with God. I’ll be with Christ. It will be a comfortable place. I think hell is a place where I would be separated from God for eternity. That would be lame. I wouldn’t like that. I’m not sure about purgatory in terms of it being another place, unless I am such a confusing messed up case when I get there that they are like, “hold up, we need to get a confused-mess-intervention-team to figure her out. Throw her in purgatory until the committee can convene.”

I do agree with my friend that I have the ability to create my own heaven, purgatory and hell right on this planet. Heaven is lying in my bed at night listening to the train go by. Heaven is also sitting under the stars at Tanglewood listening to music that only God could have created. Heaven is sundried tomato, feta and cheese pizza followed by a really good glass of Cabernet, topped off with a chocolate dessert. Heaven is my music, my writing, my art, and my cabin, my Quaker meeting.  It is the sweet, smiling face of one of my students who comes up to give me a hug and is glad to see me. It is a sweet student who tries their best to play in front of all of their peers. That is heaven.

Purgatory is waiting to hear about how my brother-in-law is doing in his surgery. It is waiting for that stupid, evil tumor of his to go away. Purgatory is spending hours fretting over a violin that someone thinks I lost and I’ve looked in ever classroom, closet, car, truck, boat, plane, trashcan, rock and spaceship to find it. And it is nowhere. Purgatory is me being lost in my defect of indecision, not knowing where to turn next.

My hell on earth is being swallowed up by my defects to character. Low self-esteem and the inner critic run a close race with obsession in this contest. Hell is me lying awake obsessing over a disagreement I had with a friend, or a family member, convinced they will never speak to me again; now they know how truly awful I am, the secret is out and now I’ll be alone forever. Then fear of abandonment and fear of rejection join in on the bullying session. Then I obsess about how I can fix it. Because I am codependent you see and that was part of my job in my family of origin. I was supposed to be perfect and fix it. If I just obsess long enough, I’ll figure it out. I’ll make them love me, I’ll figure out how to beat the cancer; the lost violin will fall right through the roof of my cabin.  If I beat myself up enough, maybe I can turn back the clock and erase that stupid thing I said to my student and not be defensive around them. Hell is feeling helpless over the illness of a loved one or family member. Yes, my defects do create hell on earth.

I find my salvation lies in my creativity. Creating music and art helps me survive.  I always feel better after playing my violin or my guitar.  And writing songs is my lifesaver – lots of songs. Listening to Mozart and Britten also helps me climb out of the hellish pit of depression and helplessness.  That and, of course, surrendering to God.  Surrendering in prayer is essential.

I don’t think I’m headed for a roasting pan. I have to try and avoid putting myself in it right here on earth.  That beautiful, serene, calming, wonderful place called heaven is real to me and I look forward to meeting Christ, shaking Peters hand and taking Paul’s class on Romans. And I’m sure they’ll have plenty of art and music studios there in which I can create whenever I want.  Tanglewood will be there too, of course, heaven style, with plenty of great lawn space, stars, and beautiful music. Sounds heavenly to me. Sign me up.