Workaholism

Workaholism

I am a workaholic.

I tie my self-worth to what I accomplish. This leads me to be compulsive with my work so that at the end of the day I can feel good about myself. I can numb myself out with work just like I can with food. I am only worthy of love if I accomplish a certain amount of work.

When I was at the Interlochen Arts Academy, my workaholism manifested itself in my practice habits. I would spend hours practicing guitar and piano whether I was conscious or not. I felt guilty if I got more than four hours of sleep at night. I was falling asleep all the time in class and probably looked like a fool. I was only worth the work I got done that day. The same thing was true at University of Miami.

Some of my work habits during my time in Los Angeles could be viewed as workaholism. Much of it, however, was just Juliet trying to support herself.

I worked two or three jobs at a time just to make ends meet and would drive long distances to accomplish this. I would be so tired while driving that I would fall asleep at the wheel regularly.

I fell asleep at the wheel so many times on the way home from gigs in LA. It’s amazing I got anywhere alive.  I was absolutely always in my car.  I would wake up on the freeway and not know where I was.  I would try absolutely everything to stay awake. I would eat, drink coffee, chew gum, bounce up and down, slap my face, run the air conditioning, blast music — you name it. I tried everything except drugs.  Nothing worked.

One night I was at a stoplight at the corner of Crescent Heights and Sunset and someone shook my shoulder.  It was the woman from the car behind me. I guess I must have had the window open.

“I saw you sitting here through a couple of lights and wanted to make sure you were okay.”

I thanked her. That was really nice of her.   I hadn’t been drinking that time, either.  I was just too plain tired.  I was working all day and all night and living on three or four hours of sleep a night.  I can see why Alex would be worried about me.

When I was in Automatic Acceleration, we commuted to both San Diego and Palm Desert when the band was first formed.  This meant hours and hours of time in my car in traffic.

When I worked with Lisa, we commuted very long distances as well.

In fact, every band I was in commuted very long distances to get to gigs.  Very rarely did we play close to home.  That is just how it was.

Then I would get up and work all day.

Thank you God for keeping me alive all those years.  I appreciate it.

Juliet’s Positive Affirmations around workaholism include:

• God help me love myself regardless of what I do or don’t accomplish. I am worthy of love just because I exist. Thank you God. Not my will but Thine be done.