Process for Getting Out of a Judgment Received by a Family Member

Process for Getting Out of a Judgment Received by a Family Member

In the example below, I had just been judged by Mom for eating part of that quesadilla  that I discussed earlier in “My Relationship With Mom” chapter.  Here is the process I used to get me back into the Observer.

1.  I get into the Observer by asking myself, What’s going on in my body, feelings, brain?

2. I observe what’s going on in these three areas and take note of my answers.

My body: My heart is racing. I’m sweating and starting to breathe heavily. My face is flushed.

My feelings: I am feeling scared, then sad, regretful, then full of shame.

My brain: My brain is saying I did something wrong. 

3.  I breathe in and out and few times. 

4.  My conditioned response is to feel guilty.  I observe it but don’t give it any energy.

I change the habit by stepping back.  Time out!!!! Breathe in and out again.

5.  I observe what is being asked of me.  What does she want?  (To make me responsible for her and her feelings, to tell me about her.)

6.  I observe my inner response.  (Shame, self-blame, self-loathing, severe sadness)

7.  What are my choices for handling this?  (To continue to feel bad, or to realize that this is about her, not about me. These are her issues.)

8.  I make a choice for how I want to handle the situation. (Realize this is about her, not about me. Don’t take it in as blame.)

9.  I make a different choice from what she wants. (I will politely tell her to back off. This is her issue, not mine.)

10. I let go and let God.

11. I thank God for taking away the guilt, over-responsibility, and shame.

Juliet Wright, Everything Is My Fault, (Pownal, VT: Hidden Angel Publishing, 2012) p. 264-265.