Codependency and Getting Rid of Negative Self Talk

Hi, my name is Juliet and I am a recovering codependent. This website is not affiliated with any 12-step program. 

I have many, many codependent characteristics, also known as defects of character, that do not serve me well. Today I find myself engaging in many of them. Here is some of the negative self talk that is buzzing around my busy head at the moment:

1. I judge myself harshly as never being good enough.
2. What others think of me is always right and I am always wrong.
3. I determine my self worth from the opinions of others.
4. I determine my self worth from what I accomplish in a day.
5. I take everything personally.
6. I don’t take criticism well.
7. I am a mistake.

Here is what happened that made these defects of character raise their ugly heads. It sounds very silly to be speaking of this incident, but it happened and I felt bad, so here goes. You know how Facebook lets you know when your friends have birthdays? Well a friend of mine had a birthday, so I clicked on the button to say happy birthday. Well, you know how Facebook, and seemingly every other computer app for that matter, likes to predict what you are going to write and fills it in for you? (Completely annoying). Well, that happened and before I knew it, I had written the wrong person’s name in the slot and sent it. And it appeared that there was no going back. I couldn’t change it. Nor could I respond in that context. Happy Birthday and get out. That’s it. Please leave. Fine. So I sent a message to my friend explaining myself, apologizing and wishing them, once again, to have a nice birthday.

Well the bad news is that my error is still up there on his birthday list for the world to see. And the person whose name was accidentally written in there saw it, wrote to me and corrected me, saying “It’s not my birthday, it is So and So’s birthday.. Sigh. I’m like “I know that. I pressed send too quickly and the auto fill messed me up.”

Then I felt dumb, less than.

I am not good enough. Another codependent characteristic.

Silly right? I am aware these are not really problems. The world is full of a deadly virus, prejudice and racial injustice continue to poison this country, and the leadership is completely oblivious to anything having to do with reality.

But, this is my reality. I am a codependent. And incidents like these open up old wounds. The old tapes start playing and my inner critic, who is really my father living inside my head, starts telling me all of those lies over and over; you are not good enough, you are less than, stupid, you hurt peoples feelings, you are ugly, reminds me of every mistake I have ever made in the past….. Oh he goes on and on. It is not fun.

So, how to I get my head back on straight and back into the arms of recovery?

Here are the tools I use to make a plan and fix to the situation in my head:

1. I breathe deep.
2. I become aware of what is going on in my body, feelings and brain. My heart is racing, I have that familiar ache in my gut when I am really, really sad and my brain is telling me that I am dumb, stupid, less than. Plus my inner critic is telling me I hurt someone’s feelings. So now I’m really bad.
3. I ask myself, what is the information? I made a mistake.
4. I breathe in and out deeply again.
5. I give it to God. Please God, take this off my plate.
6. I make God my real friend, like Jesus is right next to me, helping me.
7. I say my positive affirmations, which I know to be true:
   • It’s okay for me to make mistakes every day.
   • I make mistakes, I’m not a mistake.
   • What other people think of me is none of my business.
   • Other people’s actions, moods and opinions of me have nothing to do with me.
   • Let it go.
   • Turn it over.
   • Breathe.
   • Easy does it.
   • Just relax.
   • Trust God and do the next right thing.
   • I can’t God can, I think I’ll let Him.
8. I say to myself, “Where can I put my attention that is not on this?”
9. I remember that God will show me what to do and when to do it. He will also reveal to me what I need to know when I need to know it.
10. I breathe in and out.
11. I go do something else, that makes me happy.

And if my obsessiveness kicks up again, the hamster is on the wheel and my mind is chewing on this situation and every mistake I’ve ever made, again, I say my positive affirmations once more and redirect it to what I am doing.

This process works for me and as a result I am leading a much happier life. Maybe it will work for you too.

I hope you have enjoyed this narrative. I would like to invite you to visit my website store, at www.hiddenangel.net, where you can explore the books and CD’s I have for sale under Hidden Angel Publishing and Hidden Angel Records.

Have a nice day!