Obsessiveness

Is anything too hard for the Lord?

~ Jeremiah 22:7

I still have the defect of obsessiveness. It is one of the oldest and most deeply rooted parts of my disease. Thanks to the hard work I’ve been doing in recovery, the frequency and duration of my obsessive episodes is lessening. I am now able to more quickly recognize my obsessions when they occur, plug in my recovery tools, and get back into balance. I am happy to report that I now have more serene days than obsessive days. That is a blessing. That is program.

When I do get caught in episodes of obsessiveness, my experience there is painful, dark, lonely, and desperate. It is an awful place to be. Over and over again what I’m worried about plagues my brain. It’s like I’m an addict in need of a fix. When I’m obsessing, I’m really suffering. At that moment, I can’t imagine ever getting myself out of my mania and back in balance.

I am not helping anyone by obsessing, least of all myself. It doesn’t matter whether I’m fixated on my family of origin issues, problems at work, issues with friends, or just getting on my own case for making mistakes in one of those areas. What matters is that it doesn’t solve anything. All it does is make me miserable.

I heard a preacher recently who said that when we are worrying, it is like we don’t trust God enough to take care of our problems so we worry instead. But what we have to do is trust him. He is powerful and big enough to fix our problems and He will do so in His own time, in His own way. We must get out of the way and let Him do it.

One of the tools I use to get myself out of an obsession and back into the present moment is journaling. Here is a recent journal entry that I produced in an attempt to get out of an obsession:

I have to turn Alice over to God. I have been listening to my CoDA tapes all week. I have been saying my positive affirmations and using my cross ring and Angry Bird anchors to take myself to Tanglewood when I talk to her. I just got a message from Alice today when I was practicing music with a friend. She sounded tired and sad. I called Alice back and left her a message. I didn’t hear from her so even though it was after 8:00 pm I called her again and reached my sister. I felt like God was telling me to call her. I stared at my Tanglewood picture the whole time. I tried to take myself there, to that serene, relaxing, divine place. I tried not to take on her sadness. I think I did okay. I was sad when I hung up but I still functioned. I tried to just make it okay that she was sad. It’s all I can do to take care of myself now. I’m overtired, overworked, worn out. I feel like I’ve been doing a crappy job on my step work lately and I feel bad about it. I’m just so tired and have been working non-stop. I forgive myself for judging myself for not being good enough.

I turn it over. I let go. I’m not in charge. She has to feel her own feelings. I don’t want her to hurt. God is in charge. I need to focus on God and what he wants me to do. He wants me to do my book.

During this particular episode, I was attending The New England Quaker Yearly Meeting that I spoke of earlier in this book. I was obsessed about my family issues, overtired, suffering from IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), and wandering around an unfamiliar campus lost. Here is a journal entry from that time:

I’m overtired, lost, and suffering from IBS. This campus is too big and confusing and I want to go home. I’m so worried about Alice that I can’t see straight. I feel lost emotionally too. Who am I and why am I here? I feel like I don’t fit in. Plus I look awful. The image staring back at me in the mirror shows a body beginning to sag, an ever-wrinkling face, and more gray hair than ever. My life is half-over and what have I done with it? I can’t fix Alice or save her. It’s like what is happening to her is happening to me. I know I’m enmeshed right now and need to pull myself out of this obsession.

So how did I pull myself out of this painful obsession? I went and volunteered at the Friends’ Bookstore that they have every year at the New England Yearly Meeting. This is the same bookstore that I spoke of earlier that I spent so much time in. Volunteering at this store involved learning how to run a cash register and an iPad credit card scanner. Nothing like technology to get me out of my obsession and back to living in the present moment! Working in that store required all of my concentration. While I did complain about spending more time there than I wanted to give, God was actually providing what I needed most at that moment. Working there got me out of my own head and helped me to heal, be present, and restore some serenity to my life.

This episode represents one of many obsessive episodes that have transpired in the last couple of years. The good news is that I plug in my Processes and deal with my episodes of obsessions when they do occur and get myself back in balance.

Mantras that help me in times of obsession:

• Where could I put my mind that’s not on this?
• What am I grateful for?
• I am powerless over this situation. I am powerless over my obsessiveness. My life has become unmanageable.
• Let it go, Juliet.
• I will live in this moment. I won’t obsess. Obsessing leads me away from God.
• Let’s just trust God for that.
• Let the other person’s (fill in name in question) issues be theirs.
• Juliet has a job to do. Juliet has to follow God and let go, make her music, paint, work her recovery program, and do her book. That’s what God wants.
• In this moment, I let go of what I can’t control.
• In the moment, I let go and let God.
• Dear God, I give you this problem for my highest good.

Additional practices that help to me work through my obsessions:

• Music: I listen to and/or play etudes, Handel’s Messiah, and Bach’s Sonatas and Partitas on my violin, or sing and play my own music on my guitar when I feel despair coming on. It helps me relax.
• Exercise: Working out on my punching bag, swimming, walking on my treadmill or in Hopkins Forest, and lifting weights all help me to get rid of the negative energy that comes with obsessiveness.
• Gratitude list: Reading my gratitude list helps to bring me out of my obsessive tailspin and back into the present moment. I often combine my workout on the treadmill with a reading my gratitude list, which is really effective.
• Slogans: I repeat my favorite slogans, such as “Easy does it,” “This too shall pass,” “Act as if,” “Let go and let God” and “Turn it over.” Repeating the slogans really helps me relax.
• Service work: I always feel better after doing service work. I know I’ve done something good by giving back and helping other people.
• Inner child work: Connecting with my inner child helps me to get out of my obsession. It gets me in touch with how I am really feeling and processing things inside and why.
• Attend meetings: Going to a CoDA meeting is one of the best ways for me to get out of my own head and back into a balanced state of mind. I often see myself in the shares of others, which helps me to not feel so alone and thus less defective.
• Step work: I work the steps on whatever situation is fueling my obsession. I read this work to my sponsor. Reading the work I’ve done on the principles also helps me a great deal.
• Documentation: I record my thoughts and revelations about my obsession into a tape recorder and notate them later.
• Program literature: I read Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA’s basic text), The Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions Workbook of Co-Dependents Anonymous (often called The 12 and 12), and other literature. Obsessiveness is a big topic in many of these documents, so reading them is always helpful in bringing me back to serenity. 
• Scripture: Reading the bible every morning helps me to get my mind back on God where it belongs and off of my obsession. God comes first.
• Let it go: Every time I let go and let God, my obsession leaves a little bit more and for a longer period of time. I give to God and go on with what is in front of me. I do this as many times as needed.